anniversary number seventeen

Aaron got home from tennis around 10pm and we played games with the kids until around midnight.  Long after everyone was asleep, I laid wide awake, thinking.  About how much I love my little family and how lucky we are to all be together, safe and happy and relatively healthy.  I thought about each year of our marriage and how things have changed, but really how everything is still exactly the same as the day we were married.  I decided to pull out my laptop and quietly scroll through photos of the two of us over the years.  What I found was kind of alarming (and sickening, if you ask Aaron.)  We have hundreds of photos together.  This is proof that he really loves me.

While looking through all of these photos, I thought about the first time Aaron said, "I love you."  He said it long before I did and I doubt he wanted to hear the response I gave him, but it just came out.  After he said "I love you." and I said, "I know."  Its something he teases me about now because I have always been a stuck-up brat.  But the truth is, I KNEW.  It was so tangible, he didn't even have to say the words. I have always felt loved by him, even when we were just good friends.  He knows my flaws better than anyone else, but he accepts and loves me anyway.  It's so easy to love him back because he's so open and vulnerable with the way he cares.  I know he feels the same way about our kids, other family members and close friends... he genuinely loves them and you can feel it.  Our kids feel secure around him because they KNOW he loves them unconditionally.  I want to be the kind of person who makes others feel loved.  I want to give it freely, without expecting anything in return.

(these are a few of my favorite photos/memories of the last 17 years...)

I wish so badly we had a photo of the two of us the day Gabe was born.  I'm still living off the high of Aaron's face when he walked into the bathroom and saw that I had delivered the baby alone.  Right now that's my #1 favorite memory with Aaron..  It will go down as one of the highlights of my life.

born to be a superstar

The other day a friend shared this short video on facebook and I looove stuff like this.  I mean, it's only been a little over a year since I've been practicing this kind of thinking.  I believe I've always been an active optimist or positive thinker, but I was always worried about doing what is "right" rather than creating what I wanted.  I would often wait until I knew for sure what to do and now I move forward in whatever direction feels good and trust that what I need will come to me at the right time..  To me, this feels so natural.  For as long as I can remember, I've always felt like a superstar... I mean, I am totally average and I still have so much I can improve on.  But I can pull out an inner superstar when I need her... and that's everyday at some point.  I am getting better and better at staying in that mindset all day.. I am specifically referring to Lady Gaga's short segment in this video.

My Simon was also born this way.  He comes across as super arrogant and thinks that he does everything well.. you can't convince him otherwise.  I wondered if putting him in school would crush this personality trait because he's totally behind in reading (we thought he was dyslexic, but I think he's just not interested yet.) But school has only made him more confident in himself.  I think he realizes he's a bit of an underdog in his classroom, but he doesn't care one bit.  He focuses on what he's good at and stays positive and upbeat.  He does his own work 100% and never wants help (why would he need help?) and he brings home some pretty ugly projects.  I feel bad that we laugh at him and his school work, but it's just amazing to me that he stays confident.  He gets that from me-- I was born arrogant and I still am.

I keep waiting for Sciatica to humble me.  I'm not saying it hasn't brought out some serious frustration.  So many people feel bad for me or say how sorry they are that I am going through this.  But I don't feel bad for myself and I don't feel sorry that I am experiencing this.  Yes, it totally sucks.  But it's kind of awesome too.  This is the most pain I've ever experienced.  It's pain that cannot be treated with medicine.  It feels like my leg is on fire 24/7.  It doesn't go away when I sleep, and it's always worse if I try to do anything.  Standing for more than an hour and sitting in a hard chair for more than 30 minutes makes the pain almost unbearable.  But it hasn't killed me, and it won't.  I am a freaking superstar.  I have been able to separate my body from my spirit and realize that nothing can keep me down.  I definitely feel down, but I don't stay there.  I fight every single day.  I wake up with the best intentions.  Most mornings I tell myself that I am going to knock it out of the park.  I don't usually... and a lot of evenings I feel totally defeated because I wasn't able to do what I set out to do (even when my goals were so minuscule, like showering and getting dressed... or running one simple errand and I wasn't able to do it.)  But I wake up the next day with a new hope and a renewed desire to get better.  I have explored every possible option.  And I am not giving up until I am better.  I may have to deal with this the rest of my life and that's okay too.  I can handle it.  I am so much stronger than I thought I was.  I may be weak physically and completely unproductive (according to my old standards) but mentally and emotionally I am better than I have ever been.

Last year (or maybe 18 months ago) I went to a three day conference where I left my kids at home all day to fend for themselves.  Ben was 14 and Eden was 1.  Each night I came home from the conference to sleep.. and my house was clean, dinner was on the table without a lot of fuss or planning, the kids got their homework and chores done with ease and it felt so good!  At the end of the conference, I decided to become a parenting coach because I knew that I could help others create a better atmosphere at home.  It's been awesome and I love each of my clients and their kids.  I know I've helped them in significant ways and it feels good.

This experience with sciatica has been the ultimate test for our family.  We moved away from extended family..  Aaron is now working further from home with a busier schedule and longer hours.  My kids are now in school (which is much harder in many ways) and we've added a newborn to the mix which is never an easy adjustment.  And we are CRUSHING it in so many ways.  My kids have all stepped up to the plate and knocked it out of the park.  Each of us have different talents and strengths and we are learning to use them to make our home better.  They take care of each other and they are so extremely helpful and kind to me.  We've grown closer and even though I want to get back to my normal, every day life, I am so grateful for this experience.  Aaron hasn't needed to take any time off work.  We haven't had any outside help.  We've had a ton of visitors come through (that's been helpful in many ways, but it's also been more work.) And we've rocked it.  Yes, there has been frustration and lots of tears (mostly on my end.) but we have a stronger marriage because of it and my kids have each grown up in different ways.  I've LOVED being able to experience it and witness it.  It makes me so happy and so grateful.

I'm not out of the woods.  I am still seeking for answers and a solution.  I think it will come down to surgery (and it's been complicated trying to get insurance to pay for it without jumping through a lot of time-consuming loopholes.)  We've spent so much money on so many alternative experiments... literally thousands of dollars and it's frustrating when it hasn't helped or improved my situation.  I am just as numb and almost just as crippled as I was three months ago.  I am not crawling to the bathroom anymore, but I can't do very much.  But I still feel productive, in my own way.  I am reading and learning and growing.  I am strengthening my relationships.  I am still coaching parents and loving it.  I am a great mom and wife and that's what matters most to me.  Why hasn't anything worked or helped me?  I just don't think it's been the right time. I know I will get better.  But I also think that whatever comes my way is here to teach me and help me.  I see this as a blessing and an opportunity.  It totally sucks, but there are so many other things that are worse.  I will gladly take this over something life threatening or equally damaging to my family.  I feel like my mom when I say I wouldn't trade lives with anyone else, but I wouldn't.  My trials and obstacles are made for me.  I have so much to learn and improve and I'm looking forward to it.  My baby weight will eventually come off.  It may take me longer, but that's okay.  I would rather spend money on something else than doctors and medicine, but I'm so grateful for modern medicine and the option I have surgery and get my nerves back to normal.  Life is good and it's only going to get better.

floating down the river...

So, I've listened to two "Awesome with Alison" podcasts today (How have I not clicked on these before?) and here I am writing my second blog post.  Today is really the first day I've pulled out my laptop in three months and that in itself is unfortunate.  But anyway, I am listening to all kinds of good things and just wanted to write out what I was thinking.. Love her energy.  and btw, I totally do feel more awesome after listening.

In episode 13 (yes, totally skipping to whatever number sounds good.) Alison talks about planning an event and how magically its coming together.. she said a line that struck me.. something about how she jumped right into the river, hoping it would take her somewhere and how it feels magical.  This struck me because that's EXACTLY what mindfulness is..  it's magical.  and JUST TODAY I was talking to my sister on the phone and we were talking about how we get through hard moments.  I was telling her that my hardest moments over the past few months have always been after a doctor's appointment (because I wait up to 2 weeks to see a specialist or surgeon and then I am always let down because they want me to wait longer before moving forward.. give it some time, see another specialist, etc.  I obviously don't want to jump into surgery either, but dude, I haven't been able function.  My entire leg is numb and I feel pins and needles 24/7.)  And then often times if I am on my feet too much during the day, I will pay for it at night and feel a ton of pain before I go to sleep. anyway, this is way more complaining and less about how I cope with it.  So every night when I lay in bed and my leg is on fire and I can't get comfortable, I think of two things.  Every single night I fall asleep to these images and they have saved me.  First, I imagine myself running outside.  It's sunny, I have headphones and great music blasting and I am running as fast as I can and it feels so good.  It seems impossible at first because I can't even walk, but I imagine it until it feels real.  And then I switch to relaxation.  I relax and surrender by imagining myself in a river.  I am laying back in an innertube and the water is warm.  The sun (again) is on my face and my eyes are closed.  The river is moving, but I am not worried about where it's taking me because wherever it goes is right where I need to be.  I am not going to capsize.  I am not getting too much sun.  Everything is exactly the way it needs to be because life is working out for me.  I love this image and it's about the only vision that helps me realize that sciatica is what I need.  I don't know why I need it and I don't care.  I just need to enjoy the journey and stop asking so many questions... I don't need to rush the process and I will never end up where I am not supposed to because life is totally in my favor.  It's all working out for me.  I believe this deep down in my core and I connect with that feeling each night before I go to sleep.  It's saving me right now and allowing me to relax when no amount of pain killers will touch my numbness.  This sucks, but I am not going to go crazy.  I have moments of frustration and tears and hopelessness, but they are just moments.  They are necessary and they cleanse me, but they don't control me.  I am in control of my own emotions and life is totally in my favor.

YES or NO phase

I listened to an "awesome with Alison" podcast (episode 7) on being in a "Yes" or "No" phase.  It was my first Alison podcast... not sure why I picked out one in the middle, but I loved it and want to listen to more.  But it got me thinking about life and phases.

I have always been (or have always tried to be) a YES person.  I am definitely happiest when I can squeeze in the most fun/projects/activities/people as possible.  The best days for me have always been the most productive.  I don't really mean busy-work or errand running, I just mean a day full of meaningful things... that what productive means to me.  My emotional state has always seemed connected to how well I feel physically, because the more I can do, the better I feel.

My husband has teased me for 16 years that I am a YES MOM and he often sings the tune from Oklahoma, "I'm just a girl who cain't say no." and he sings it in a really high, annoying tone as if saying YES was a bad thing.  For him, maybe it was a bad thing (because sometimes my Yes included his participation) but for me, it's never been a bad thing because I genuinely feel better when I do more.  As a parent, I will say yes as often as I possibly can.  If I can't make it happen for my kids, I want THEM to figure out a way because life is short-- so let's make it happen if we can!  When I do say NO, my kids know I really mean it because it doesn't happen often, so no definitely means NO coming from me.

Fast forward to the past three months dealing with Sciatica and being in bed 23 hours a day for what seems like my entire life.  I can't even remember what it was like to be a YES mom.  I literally say NO to every thing that comes my way... and you know what?  It feels amazing.  I love being a NO person!!!!!  There are days where I literally get nothing done except a shower and getting dressed.  The simple basic things of life are on my someday list.  And I don't even care when that someday is... I just do what I can do and that is very little.  I am not saying that I don't want to get better or back to my everyday normal but I really don't know when that normal will be, so right now, I am in a total NO phase.  No to church, no to friends, no to anything social, no to date nights, no to everything... actually that's not true.  I don't say no to visitors and maybe I should because we've had nonstop visitors and I doubt I will say no anytime soon.  But I say yes to people coming to stay with us because it's a YES that I can say for my kids.. cousins/aunts/uncles to our house is a blast for my kids and their lives are very dull right now, so as long as they help me get ready for visitors, it's a total party.  Yes to all the parties!

So, what am I saying?  I guess that it FEELS SO GOOD to be a YES mom AND a NO mom!  because whenever you are doing the best you can, it really doesn't matter how much or how little you are doing..  I am just doing what I can and it feels good to let the rest go.  I am loving letting my life all go to pot!!! it feel so good, I will say YES later...

the parable of the unlaced combat boot

It's thursday December 22nd around 5:00 am.  I woke up about an hour ago and curled up in bed with my thoughts before I decided to come downstairs and write.  It's dark everywhere, except for the light coming from the christmas tree.  I am listening to pitter-patter of rain on the windows as well as the Felicity soundtrack from my laptop.

If we have a baby girl next month, I'd like to name her Felicity.  The name means happiness.  Happiness is a great way to describe how we feel about her arrival and the state of our family life during this pregnancy.  Aaron and I have come to an agreement that if it's a girl, I get to name her.  If it's a boy, he can pick the name.  My top boy name is FLOYD.  Floyd is his dad's middle name and I think it's totally bad-A.  Aaron isnt on the same page, unfortunately, with either Felicity or Floyd.  This is why we divide and conquer when it comes to hard decisions like naming our kids, or go generic to find a common ground.  What would it be like to be married to a man that agreed with my name choices?  I will never know.

I am not really an emotional pregnant woman.  I mean, I cry.  I have emotions.  But I don't cry often and when I do it's over totally bizarre and insignificant things.

When I was 8 months pregnant with Eden, Aaron lost his job.  I didn't shed a single tear.  We were in a really confusing stage in life, not knowing if it was right to stay put or move closer to extended family.  Everything was up in the air and I DIDN'T want to leave Vegas, but I didn't worry about it too much.  Then, out of the blue in the middle of church, as I bent down to grab something off the floor, the underwire to my favorite bra snapped in half.  I could NOT stop the tears.  In fact, three years later, here I am, getting all teary eyed over that amazing bra.  I loved it so much.  I have yet to find a replacement that makes me feel as comfortable and happy as that bra.

This pregnancy has kind of been the same way when it comes to the way I've handled my emotions.  The "big" things don't phase me too much.  There have been a few tough conversations I've had with family members over religion.  It should send me over the edge, but I really feel like dealing it without jumping to conclusions or taking it personally is healthy and that it will all smooth out over time.  I feel no stress or anxiety about it.  But the day-to-day things.... like losing my keys when the kids are all ready to leave is the END.of.the.WORLD.  I only have one set of keys to my van right now and I MUST know where that set is at all times or I will have a nervous breakdown.

Yesterday I got up early and showered for the day.  That's unusual for me to be ready before lunch.  Actually, it's unusual for me to be ready before dinner.  I usually take a bubble bath each night, so why do my hair and makeup if it's all just going to come off later, ya know?  Anyway, yesterday I was determined to take on the day and dressed to the nines, in all black.  I decided to wear my combat boots because they are the only black shoes I own and I felt like combating.  I asked Roma if she would help me tie them because bending over and lacing up those boots seemed impossible.  As I took a solid ten minutes to lace up one boot, Roma took over the other, but I was too busy bending over and concentrating on breathing, I didn't realize that Roma had pulled out my shoe lace completely instead of tightening it.  She handed my lace over and I started crying.  Tears just flowed down my face as if she had just stabbed me in the back.  I felt so betrayed and helpless.  How could she do that to me?????

I am not sure how long it took me to lace the shoe again, put it back on my swollen foot and tie it up, but I cried through the whole process.  The simplest things are sometimes the most difficult to deal with.  When I am in a fragile state, I just want to be able to do what I want to be able to do, and if I can't, I fall apart.  I just want to tie my shoes and breath at the same time. Is that too much to ask for?

The rest of the day, my eyes would fill up with tears just thinking about those who have chronic illnesses that aren't visible to the rest of us.  Being in a physically or emotionally fragile state without being able to ask for help without sounding pathetic sounds like the worst way to live.  Just thinking about all of the people in this world who can't do what they want to do when they want to do it makes me emotional.  If you are depressed and can't roll yourself out of bed, I am crying for you right now.  Not because I think you're pathetic, but because you are awesome.  And I know how it feels to be awesome, but still not be able to do what you want to do.  I hope things get better.  And if they don't, I hope you have a really comfortable pillow to cry on.

For me, not being able to roll out of bed in the morning is death.  I would rather die than stay in bed. Obviously, I am being a little dramatic here, but my entire day is about the early morning hours.  I don't know what it is about being outside to watch the sun come up, but it literally gives my body enthusiasm and excitement.  I can physically feel the light and energy fill my cells and I feed off of that energy for the rest of the day...  If I don't get up early, I usually don't have the enthusiasm to get anything done.  I would love to know exactly how many hours of sleep I need to function well, but if I had to take a guess I would say it's 4-5.  If I sleep more than 8, I think I am in a real sad state.  When I am unhappy, I sleep.  When I am excited about life, I am on my feet.

My best friend Jane read a book recently that reminded her of me.  I am going to do a terrible job retelling the story, and I don't even have a book title to reference from right now.  But she told me a story of a man who was on his death bed in the hospital.  He had no chance of survival.  So in his sorry state, he found himself leaving his hospital room and making his way up to the roof of the hospital to watch the sun rise.  The hospital staff thought that he was trying to commit suicide, so they sent him home to die.  When he got home, he continued his ritual of waking up to watch the sunrise.  Every morning, he woke up before the sun and sat outside to breath the fresh air and soon he realized something profound.  The birds started chirping all at the same time 40 something minutes before the sun peaked.  He became interested and started methodically keeping a journal of when the birds started singing and sure enough, it was the EXACT same 42 minutes before sunrise.  After research, he realized that trees start to photosynthesize (release oxygen) at their highest levels 42 minutes before the sun comes up.  His conclusion was that sunrise is the healthiest part of the day and that birds sing to fill their lungs with the healthiest air.  After a steady ritual of being outside and breathing in the freshest air and listening to the song of the birds healed this man completely and (according to the book, or according to my friend who read the book and then told me this story) the man is still alive today, teaching others about why it's so good to be outside, breathing in fresh air in the morning.

How cool is that story?  And the thing is... I KNEW THAT before she told me or any scientists measured the levels of oxygen in the air.  I've known it in my bones (for as long as I can remember) that I am most alive and the healthiest in the morning.  Is the sunrise beautiful to watch?  Always.  But it's more about the way I feel inside when I am outside, breathing in the sun.  I am looking forward to the time when I will exercise while watching... but for right now, my swing on my bedroom balcony is my sanctuary.  I feel more energized, empowered, enlightened, inspired than I have ever felt in a church sermon or in a conversation with anyone else.  (And for this reason I am not even sure I want to exercise in the morning because it might distract from that hour of meditation.)  I brought my phone outside for a while to take pictures of the sunrise and share what I was reading and thinking about, but then my phone died for a week and NOT having it out there was even better.  So I stopped documenting.  Kind of sad about it because... man, I didn't take pictures of some amazing views.  I bring books to read and sometimes I read chapters and sometimes I read a couple of lines, but always my mind is still and open to process my thoughts.  I have been able to completely "heal" over negative situations or conversations in my life on that balcony swing, just by sitting there and thinking.  I can take a scenario, (mine or a friend/client I hope to help) and I can process it in a way that completely takes out ALL negativity.  Not in a Polyanna, there is no reason to feel sad or upset, kind of way.  But in a way that gives the situation POWER, but only enough power to get over it, to easily let it go and leave you feeling so much stronger and better than you were before it ever showed up in the first place.  All experiences are here to teach us.  The difficult experiences teach us more.

Am I getting too cheesy or hippie or weird?  I hope it doesn't sound complicated, because it's the most simple process.  I wish I could spell it out as simply as it is in my mind, but take for instance my shoe lace that Roma untied.  Here (would be) the thought process I go through..

She is such a brat.
WHY would she do something so mean and cruel?
She is the WORST child ever.
She doesn't appreciate anything I do for her and she makes my life difficult on so many levels.
Am I overacting?  Probably.
Lacing up my shoe again isn't going to take me forever.
Dang, this sucks.
I can't bend over.
I hope I don't suffocate myself or my baby by bending in half.
I want to quit, but I can't.
I can do this.
There are so many people out there who can't tie their shoes either...
And not because they are in a temporary state of pregnancy.  This is their life on a day to day basis and it won't ever get better for them.
Wow.  They are amazing.
They keep waking up and going, even when they don't want to.
Whoever they are, those people who struggle to tie their shoes or roll out of bed, I will never know.
It could be anyone and so they are now everyone.
I hardly ever notice them because they don't draw attention to themselves.
I am sending out gratitude and love and appreciation for them, as well sympathy and admiration for those who deal with things that are too hard for them to talk about.
I hope I can touch them in some way.
I hope they feel comfortable to open to me.
They are my heroes.
I am a freaking hero too.  I am seriously a rockstar....
Look at my shoes.  I laced them up all by myself!
The boot that got completely untied is stronger and feels better than the other.
But I'm not going to untie the other, no chance of that.
Thank you sweet, gorgeous, adorable daughter of mine.
You are constantly helping me become stronger and more enlightened.
I love that you are in my life because you bring out the best side of me.
I bet that you also have struggles that you can't or won't talk about.
I hope, eventually, I will be the safe place for you to open up or the shoulder you can cry on.

Sounds and looks totally cheesy typed up like that, but it was a process I went through yesterday and now those positive thoughts of love and gratitude are carrying me inot the early morning hours of the next day.  The sun is now up.  I can't see it because it's a little cloudy and drizzly outside.  But I am going to lace up my tennis shoes (much easier than my boots) and I am going to take a walk outside for a few minutes until I feel refreshed enough but not quite frozen.  December 22 is going to be a good day, I can feel it.