grateful

Hi.  it's 6 am or so and Roma and I are hanging out together in the loft.  She woke up needing a drink around 4 and hasn't gone back to sleep.  And I was already awake when she came into my bedroom so we've been hanging for the last couple of hours.  She's watching Dora on my phone while I've been catching up on emails and listening to some organizational podcasts on my laptop.  She's laying on my shoulder, but every few minutes she tells me she needs to hold my hand, so I get to stop what I'm doing and squeeze her squishy fingers as we cuddle.

Last time I checked in, I had a total breakdown over my bra.  I basically cried all day Sunday over it.  Monday I woke up feeling like a brand new person.  I am not sure how many times I've cried this pregnancy, but it could definitely be counted on one hand.  It was building up for sure and I needed an emotional release!  This week I have just felt so grateful for my family and how much we've been blessed over the years.

These past few nights, I've cleared my bookshelves and organized all my files, photos, old letters and it not only feels great to have them organized, but it filled me to the brim with gratitude for all the wonderful people in my life.  I have been surrounded by supportive, loving, happy, good-natured friends and family and I feel so fortunate.  I hope I can provide that same kind of environment for my children.

Some of my most prized keepsakes come from my parents and grandparents.  I literally have dozens of handwritten letters from my Grandma Roma.  One letter she wrote was sent right after she attended a high school assembly that I conducted or performed? in.  She told me how proud she was of me and listed what she admired about me and then at the end she closed with "How could I help but love you so?" I love that line and need to include it in my conversations with my kids.  I knew she loved me and I know that I wasn't the only grandchild that felt this way.  what a talent she had of making everyone around her feel special.

I also read over a letter written by my Uncle Larry (my dad's brother) who was hit by a car riding a bike to work when I was a senior in high school.  He sent me this letter in the mail about a year before he died.  He had ten children of his own and almost 40 nieces and nephews, so it means so much that he would take the time to write to me, especially such a heartfelt letter.  It's very personal, but in it, he praised me for my confidence and self-assurance, saying it was a gift given from God and that I should use it wisely.  If I don't keep it under control it could become a weakness to me.  He also gave me great advice about personal revelation, reading my patriarchal blessing often and staying committed to the most important things in life.  He sent this letter when I was a Junior in high school, but as I re-read it the other night, it was as if he knew I would need to hear these words as a 34 year old mother of almost 6.  I am so grateful for his example in my life and also grateful I have hung on to important things like this.  I can't decide if I want to scan things in or file them away in books or just stack them in keepsake boxes... but either way, I am truly grateful to have access to them now.

I read through dozens of silly notes to and from my friends in high school and college... many of which I threw away because they were just... silly.  But I kept the most important ones and have a special place for all of the friends who have shaped me and made be better.  My parents letters and cards from my in-laws take up a box of their own and I will hang on to those for years and years and years.  So fortunate for parents like them.  Aaron and I have given cards to each other for the last 14 years on every birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, Father and Mothers Day and I was so proud of us while reading through them.  We've been through a lot in our marriage.  Right now we are going through a new adventure and there is no one else I'd rather experience it with.  He is nothing like me, but is exactly what I need.

Yesterday we had a series of doctors appointments to determine what's happening with our baby girl.  We still have a few more tests to run this week, but we think she's probably wrapped up in the umbilical cord because she's not budging from a really high position on my rib cage.  I am totally uncomfortable but every time she kicks or moves, I feel grateful that she's still kicking and growing and alive.  I am feeling peaceful and anxious about her arrival.

Above all, I am grateful for our 5 sweet children who fill my days up with light and chaos.  I was telling Aaron yesterday that we've never been more prepared to have a baby come to our family.  Our children are in good stages... old enough to care for themselves and help one another but also young enough to be completely thrilled about welcoming a new baby.  Each of them take turns feeling the baby kick and spending time talking to her and about her arrival.  The older boys are so amazingly helpful with the younger ones and constantly ask how they can serve me or Aaron.  Yesterday when we arrived home from an early ultrasound, we found our kids around the kitchen table eating Green Eggs and Sausage.  Earlier, Ben had read them Green Eggs and Ham and wanted to make a special breakfast, but we didn't have any ham so he improvised.  The kids were all excited to tell us what happened.  At first, Roma didn't want anything to do with the green eggs, but then she ate some and devoured not only her own plate, but everyone else's!  "Just exactly like the book!"  Aaron and I listened to them giggle and looked at each other, shrugging our shoulders wondering how we raised such amazing kids.  They are not only good and sweet, but they love each other and it's so rewarding watching them interact and play (and feed) one another.

In a few days, I will go in for extensive testing, to see how the baby is doing and if we will need a c-section or not.  I will have to pay for these test with a cash payment and I've wondered if it's worth it to go to precautionary measures.  But I know it's my job to do whatever it takes to protect and help my little chickies and this baby deserves a safe and healthy arrival.  This pregnancy (and upcoming delivery) will be completely opposite of Simon and Roma's arrival, but that's okay.  I believe I've been prompted all along to take this route, even though it's not what I wanted to do originally.

The past few months, I've had my moments where I've questioned whether or not God is listening to my prayers or if He understands the kind of responsibilities I've had on my shoulders or the stresses I've felt as I've tried to hold my family together-- pregnant, dealing with a recovering husband with too many deadlines at work, and a handful of children who need my time and attention, but the last few days, I've been flooded with gratitude knowing that He is most definitely aware of me and has a plan for our family.  I am not exactly sure WHAT that plan is and it may be a while before we see any kind of answers we're seeking, but they will come when it's time.  Right now my job is to have patience and find the silver lining in the clouds and there is so much to be happy about and grateful for.

The boys are now awake and begging to go on a bike ride!  The sun is coming up over the desert and I am going take them up on their request!!  Wish us (me) luck.

on vulnerability

Yesterday, I had a friend (who doesn't know me very well) comment about how my life always seems perfect.  well behaved kids, "cute" preggo tummy, attentive husband... just perfect.  life can seem that way from the outside, but everyone has things they are struggling with.  I told her I had a breakdown earlier that day because my bra broke (it was the truth and it was all I had to offer without dumping all my problems on her.) she laughed it off thinking that I was joking, but my pregnant self does not think this is funny.

I hate not being real with people, but I also don't like to be a complainer.  I also have a husband who is nothing like me and shares zero personal information, so it's not a good thing that his wife wears everything on her sleeve..  Where is the middle ground?  I can never figure it out.

Last night, I posted this on fb--

"Bar none, this pregnancy has been the most difficult for me. These past 8 months have felt like eons... with homeschooling, taxing church responsibilities, sleepless nights, sick kids, surgeries and a husband on crutches. Despite everything, I think I've held up pretty well and have shed minimal tears. This past month my baby turned breech and she does not want to turn. This week, my husband lost his job and although the timing isn't great, I've been positive and upbeat. This morning, my favorite beloved bra snapped and broke. Unexpectedly, I had a full on emotional breakdown and could not stop crying. I was totally embarrassed to explain to my husband (hours later because I couldn't even talk about it!) why I was so sad. He was very sweet and said I've been strong for too long and this was "the bra that broke the camel's back". Funny, yes. But I'm still teary-eyed about it. 

I don't like when people think facebook is their therapist, but sometimes I can't handle not being authentic.  The truth is, we are going through a hard time.  The last year has literally sucked for me.  12 months ago, I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks.  it was my 5th.  I felt stupid for even trying to get pregnant again.  I am not in shape, I have 5 other kids, I was exhausted, emotionally and physically.  After getting (and staying) pregnant successfully a couple of months later, as happy and as grateful as I am, I was miserably sick!  Exhausted and tired and NOT myself at all.  Seven months ago, when I was at my worst physically, my husband broke his ankle in a major way.  He needed two surgeries, and he's just now finally feeling like he might recover.  He even played tennis this week after 7 months away from any sports whatsoever!  My husband without physical exercise is not a happy one.  (he's not mean either, but he's down and that's so hard to see!)  Not to mention extra issues with our callings, which always seemed to be draining when I didn't have the energy to deal with what was happening at home.  We also are growing out of our house.  We will have 6 kids in two bedrooms in just a few weeks.  Can we manage?  Of course.  I love our house and I love our neighborhood and more importantly I love Las Vegas with all of my heart.  But it feels like it's time to move.  I am currently loading boxes and clearing out closets.  We have NO IDEA where we are going.  We have been praying and thinking about where to move for at least 2 years.  With the loss of Aaron's job this week, we might be forced into a decision before we know that it's best for our family, but I know we will be blessed.  And I know for sure, I will be happy wherever my family is and find the best about where we end up.  Even if it's hard.  But hard is good.  Putting your dirty laundry out feels good to me.  It's the only way I know how to operate.

*after posting on facebook, I regretted it.  But then I got a series of personal emails of others opening up about the things they are struggling with, and that is always feeding to my soul-- connecting with others who are also wanting and willing to be REAL and expose what they struggle with (without being a victim to their situation.)  It makes me want to go into counseling... I seriously want to be Brene Brown when I grow up.

This morning, I came across this new video of Brene Brown, it's long, but I had time to listen while i was packing boxes.  She's amazing and she says that as we are vulnerable (exposing our true selves and the realness of our problems) we won't connect with others unless they are being authentic.  In fact, she says, "If you are not in the arena also getting your butt kicked, I am not interested in your advice." Love it.  Love her.

posting this unfinished, but that is also the state of matter that I am currently living in.  Unknown, unfinished, unsure.  But still feeling good (and not wearing a bra.)


 

miss thang

THIS GIRL IS SOMETHING ELSE.

she's had a couple of serious injuries this past week.  You can't tell by the pictures, but she has a bad cut on her nose from wrestling on the trampoline and scraping her face on one of the springs.  She is amazing outside with the big boys (and the big dog) and can totally hold her own.  Of course, the boys are somewhat gentle with her, but she begs to get beat up..  She wants to fight!  A few days later, she was jumping from couch to couch, (again, with the boys) and smashed her head against the wall, and her forehead hit the back of the couch. At first, I thought she needed stitches, but it only opened a tiny bit (blessing for sure!) it turned into a huge goosebump and bruise but is now looking much better.  this is the first picture she would let me take of her "owie".  She doesn't want sympathy and doesn't cry much.  She is so tough and I love that about her!

She's totally a Daddy's girl, but really, she just makes herself comfortable wherever she is.  I am excited to watch these two develop a stronger relationship with a new baby and while Aaron has some extra time at home.  He is SO amazingly sweet with his little girl, I think he deserves another.  

lds open house

several months ago when Aaron was just out of surgery and I was still puking my guts out with morning sickness, our family was assigned to clean our church on an early Saturday morning.  I reluctantly pulled my kids out of bed and we went.  There were only a few other people there and I knew we would be there for a while.  I was totally annoyed when we started out... I assigned my kids jobs and took over vacuuming the entire church.  As I watched my kids happily work, and as little Miss Ro held up the vacuum chord for me, I was literally flooded with warm emotions about what this church as done for me (and my family) over the years.  I thought about the amazing leaders and examples I had in the adults who shaped my childhood, the friends and memories that I made at girls camp and youth conferences and service projects.  How much I grew through well prepared, spiritually uplifting lessons by my teachers who sacrificed so much to serve me.  In a very short time, I went from being grumpy and annoyed to being SO extremely grateful and overwhelmed with emotion.  The kids and I stayed until every last window was washed.  We were all skipping by the end and I am still so grateful that we chose to "sacrifice" on that early morning.

This past weekend, we had an OPEN HOUSE for our new church building.  I was involved in some of the planning meetings of this event and I was a little annoyed at how much work was being put into this event.  The leaders wanted every auxiliary and every classroom to be functioning how it would on a typical Sunday to give visitors an idea of what really goes on in our church buildings.  This meant the Primary kids would be singing, teachers giving lessons in each classroom, service projects going on, not to mention displays and scout projects and refreshments and the whole shebang.  It was a ton of work... and frankly, part of me wanted to pretend it wasn't happening.  To spend an entire Saturday morning (okay, we were only there for 2.5 hours) dressed up and pretending to go to church just to do it all over again on Sunday...  did not sound fun at all.  But let me tell you, my entire family had a blast.  We all went to our classrooms and got to mingle with some of our favorite people, celebrating not only a beautiful new building, but the relationships we share and the amazing church that we belong to.  I was literally overwhelmed with gratitude and warmth while I sat in that RS room with other women of my faith.  I sat at the "craft table" working on a cross-stitch from the 1970's (I had to pay a decent penny for it online and I'm super excited about it!)  Others were knitting and crocheting and we laughed about it would be appropriate if we put on pioneer caps and pretended like we sat around at home all day sewing and mending.  But really, while the mini-lessons were being taught, I thought about the first RS meetings ever held, and I became SO GRATEFUL for this organization that I belong to.  My life has been so enriched because of this church I belong to.  

These are just a few pictures that were snapped during the open house. I love my family and I am so appreciative for the others in these pictures.  We truly LOVE our ward, neighborhood and friends here in Vegas... more than we can say. 

we came home this Saturday afternoon, changed our clothes, cleaned the garage until it got dark and then went to the park with several other families in our neighborhood to play "night games" with glowsticks. (wish I had pictures of it, especially of Roma in her hot pink sweat suit.)  It was really the perfect Saturday.  

Ben - bio part 3

Do you know anything about your parents when they were children?

My mom had four sisters and five brothers and she grew up in Salt Lake City her whole life.  Most of my aunts and uncles still live there.  My Grandma and Grandpa still live in the very same house that my mom grew up in.  Sometimes we go play at the park of her elementary school when we visit.  But the school caught on fire when she was little and it’s kind of different now.  My mom was always tall when she was younger and she had lots of freckles like me. 

My dad had only one brother and three sisters and he was the 2^nd oldest.  His family moved everywhere. he lived lots of places, even in Mexico.  One time he lived in a three story house with an elevator.  He lived in Colorado, Wisconsin, Florida, Texas, and lots of other places.  When he was about my age, his best friend died.  His name was Patrick and he got hit by a truck while riding his bike.  Now my little brother is named Simon Patrick because of him.  He got his eagle scout when he was 16, but I am going to beat his age for sure!

What kind of job did your father have? What do you remember about it?

My dad is an attorney and he works a lot of hours.  I’ve only been to his work about 3 times and it has it’s own soda machine and lots of treats in the cafeteria.  He just lost his job yesterday.  It’s kind of sad and exciting at the same time.  It’s exciting because he gets to be home more and around us all the time, and it seems like a great time because we’re going to have a baby really soon and he can be here when it comes!  It's a little sad because we need to be careful with how we spend our money.  I hope that he can get a new job in Utah because I REALLY want to move there by my cousins!

Did your mother work outside of the home?

When I was really little she had a job, but she stays at home now.  She went to college until I was about 2 years old but I never remember her working or going to school.  She stays home with us and homeschools us.  And she does a lot of cleaning and cooking and she takes us lots of fun places like the park and pump it up.  She drives a 15 passenger van so we can invite our friends and we always have enough space.  It’s awesome!

What was your favorite dinner that your mother made? What was the worst?

My favorite is making it with her.  We do homemade pizza on Friday night.  And every single Tuesday we have tacos and I love those! She makes really good rice and meatballs. And chicken and rice and barbequed chicken. And we just made lettuce wraps with chicken and they are really yummy.  We’ve been cooking hot dogs over a fire in our backyard and that is really fun and yummy too!  I don’t really hate anything that she makes.  Sometimes when we eat taco salad, I don’t really like a lot of beans mixed in with the meat.  When I was little, I didn’t really tomatoes or spaghetti sauce but now I do. 

Describe a typical weekday as a child.  Were Saturdays the same?

…So, we wake up around 7 or 7:30 and do what we call “morning chores” which is make my bed, eat breakfast, get dressed, brush my teeth and clean my room.  Then we kind of do family time where we work together and get our house clean.  Then we do the pledge of allegiance and sing songs with Simon and Roma.  Then after that, we usually go somewhere fun or do a science experiment or something cool.  Then we have lunch.  After lunch we do “rotations” and that is usually between 1-3.  We do 30 minutes each of piano practice, math, journal writing and reading in a book we choose.  At 3:00 we have “scripture story snack” where we eat something yummy and talk about a scripture story around the table. After that, we have a little bit of play time.  We will usually play on the trampoline, play cards or play Legos.  Then we help get ready for dinner.  After dinner we clean up, do something together as a family or go to scouts or something.  Then we read scriptures and go to bed.  I hardly watch any tv or movies unless it’s a Friday night.  We don’t have video games and I don’t really ever play on the computer, unless I am looking up Lego sets or trying to find some facts about school work.  Those are my weekdays.  We try to go hiking every Friday with our friends!

On Saturdays we still do morning chores but we can sleep in.  Then we work on something as a family like clean out the garage or pull weeks or work on the backyard.  Then we eat lunch, maybe a picnic somewhere and then we always try to do something fun together like play soccer or go hiking.  Saturdays are my favorite days because my Dad usually is always home to hang out with us.  And we try to get donuts at Glaziers together.