kids update

These are a few of the silly outtakes Krista took during our photo session at home.

 Ben-- 13.5 years old

He is really conscious of how others are feeling.  He reads a social situation well and can tell who needs help and who is feeling down.  He is quick about everything he does.  He laughs all the time, especially at Aaron.  He spends most of his free time reading..  He loves biographies and is constantly telling us random information about famous people, "Dr. Suess invented the word Nerd." & "Did you know Steve Jobs wouldn't allow his kids to play with electronic devices at home?" and recently he read a short biography of Obama.  Over dinner with my parents he casually says, "It's so weird, but everyone in Barack Obama's childhood is dead.  There is no one else that is alive to tell us if it really happened the way he says it did."  A totally innocent observation, but this kid is constantly reading between the lines and figuring things out for himself.  The other day he said, "Out of all the famous or successful people I read about, every single one has had to go through a really hard trial in their life.  Like a parent will die when they're young or they suffer with a disability or they are the underdog in some way, yet they still do great things."  I loved that he pieced those things together-- a hard life can often mean an inspiring one.  I believe he will have go through struggles to become stronger too.

Luke-- almost 12 

Quiet to the rest of the world, but a total prankster at home.  He is always behind the scenes, watching other people react to the trap he's recently set.  When the other kids are watching a movie or playing a game, Luke is usually close by, reading a book.  He loves mysteries, puzzles, math problems, riddles and anything with a twist.  He is still my best helper with toddlers-- Roma's go to guy.  He is slow and particular about what he does with his time.  His thoughts and drawers and notebooks are always organized.  He is so much like his Dad, but also reminds me so much of mine.  No one can get him to laugh like Grandpa Les can.  I think that's because they understand each other.  He's introverted but not shy.  He's my only son who seems to be interested in girls... and isn't afraid to tell me who he things is cute.  He doesn't get embarrassed easily.  He is always quick to cuddle up at night and gives the tightest hugs (the kind that hurt) when we say goodnight to each other.  This boy is a keeper.

Zack-- almost 9

Silly, quirky, and always energetic.  He still wakes up with a bounce and doesn't stop talking unless he's feeling sick.  He's very particular about what he eats and when.  He is sentimental about everything he owns and also about the friends that he makes.  He is constantly doing crazy things, but he actually gets embarrassed much more than when he was little.  He cares most about what his hair looks like and if his clothes match.  He loves his little sisters the most.  He is playful with Roma and so darling with Eden.  He is the first to get Eden out of her crib and loves to hold her in church.  He craves one-on-one time, and he gets more of it than any other child.  He's emotional and tender.  Constantly writing love notes and thinking about how he can serve someone else.  He is really adorable and is growing up too quickly.  Crazy about my blondie.

Simon- almost 5

This boy needs no special attention because he gets too much already.  He is extremely loud, completely inappropriate and often rude.  But so funny too.  He is confident and strong.  He hardly ever cries.  He doesn't complain or pout.  He gets what he wants because he demands it and will work for it and I respect that.  He is not really interested in babies or animals.  He will tolerate them, but isn't drawn to them like my other kids.  He is busy, aggressive and messy.  He doesn't get along with other kids who also want to be in charge.  He thinks he knows everything and will make something up if he doesn't.  He tells terrible jokes and can usually convince his older brothers to do his chores for him.  He doesn't like to wear shoes or socks... and this has been a problem the last few weeks (his feet are always freezing!)  He has always seen himself as one of the big boys and they do too, which is really amazing considering their age difference.  He is honest and bold, hot or cold.  And his dimples and handsome face still melt my heart, every single day.  Watch out world, Simon's almost five.

Roma-- 3 years old

The best word to describe her is feisty.  She is so sweet, but only when she wants to be.  She usually gets her way and everyone in the family resents her for it.  But she's so cute that it's easy to forgive her.  She is shy with others initially but warms up quickly.  She absolutely adores animals and babies.  She wants a kitten so badly.  She loves music and dancing and started singing into hairbrushes without anyone showing her how.  She is a strong girl.  When she is not tired, she is not tired and no amount of story-telling or bribing can get her to go to sleep.  But when she's tired, she'll let you know and easily puts herself to sleep.  She will only go to the bathroom on her own... she doesn't need or want help and that can be frustrating, but I admire her independence.  She wants to read and recognizes more letters in the alphabet than Simon can.  She lays on the floor when she doesn't get her way and will take off any article of clothing that doesn't suit her, even if that means she runs around the park in her underwear (yes, this happens.)  She loves her baby dolls but not as much as her real one.  She makes a darling older sister.

Eden-- 7 months old.

This beautiful girl has been my gift.  Since the day she was born, she has oozed with sweetness and purity.  She is soft, quiet, patient and quick to smile.  She will go to anyone, but loves me the most.  I really want to believe that I loved my other babies as much as I love her, but I can't be so sure.  She looks people straight in the eyes and connects without saying a thing.  Every once in a while, she'll find her voice and when she does it's adorable.  She squeal loud and quick as if she's not sure she'll ever be able to make the noise again.  She eats well, but is so proper and polite when picking up her food.  Cheerios are not to be gobbled, but to be savored.  She will slowly pick one up with her thumb and pointer finger and then bring it to her mouth.  When it's dissolved, she'll have another.  She sits up well and is content to watch all the commotion around her.  The only time she gets over excited is when Sunny is within reach.  At 7 months old, she is 13 pounds.  She is wearing size 2 diapers, newborn pants and size 1 shoes.  Everything about her is petite and feminine.  She is truly the most adored in our family.  She is our real life baby doll and we never want her to grow up!

moving to Utah.. (ode to Torino)

I've been writing my parents biographies the past couple of weeks (asking them questions and documenting their answers... nothing fancy.) And in thinking about their big decisions in life, I know the past couple of weeks have been monumental for ours and this little family of mine.  Only, I am still in a place where none of it makes sense so it's probably not best to write about it.  Although I think if I was in a place where I had all the answers of why we moved and why we did it so quickly, it wouldn't be as raw or accurate.  It feels really great to make decisions when everything falls into place perfectly... but sometimes that doesn't happen.  And I want to document that we made some crazy decisions without knowing if it will work out.

Written down, it sounds insane.  And the truth is, it is.  Right now, Aaron and I are sleeping in my childhood bedroom.  Thankfully we are sleeping on our nice king mattress, but the box springs are on the floor.  It's one of the few pieces of furniture we brought with us.  We literally sold everything in our home besides our mattress and my kitchen table & chairs and two old dressers.  We have food storage, camping gear, and a few other boxes in a storage unit.. but everything else is gone.  We are starting over.

Last summer (July) when we came up for Aaron to take the bar, my brother, who lives in Michigan with his family, made a plan to move back to Utah in the next two years.  It sounded pretty reasonable to me and I thought we could probably make it happen.  I had absolutely no idea we would be here in less than three months.  I am shocked that it happened.  I am still in shock, even after being here for a couple of weeks.

For the past few years, Aaron and I have been praying about where and when to move.  Our prayers got a little more specific when Aaron broke his ankle and a few months later he lost his job.  We have been saving for a new home for a while and knew that we wanted to move... I thought we would move a little north in Vegas and finally get a home with a pool.  Once Aaron's new office opened up and money started coming in, I was almost sure of it.  If I could have made my own decision about my life, that's exactly where we'd be right now.

But after months and months of no answers, all of the sudden, really in a matter of a week, we both received answers that we were supposed to leave Vegas, and we needed to leave soon.  Aaron still didn't know whether or not he'd passed the Utah bar and neither of us cared.  We knew we would come either way.  I felt on several occasions that anything that we brought with us would be a burden, not an asset.  So even after selling basically everything we owned, I still feel like we brought too much.  Am I sad about our old things?  Not at all.  The guidance to get rid of it was so clear that it keeps me from being too sentimental about it.

Almost everything I listed sold within hours.  Aaron came home from work one day and said he felt like he should sell his car.  He took a few pictures and it was gone that night.  We are down to one car again and that hasn't happened since Luke was a baby..  The other day, I was planning on spending the day at the library with the kids to get a new homeschooling schedule going, and I was hoping Aaron could spend the day working there too.  I told him he could do whatever he needed on the internet and then make important calls in his car..  to which he replied, "that will be really professional with you and the kids riding along with me."  And then we both just started laughing.  For as pathetic as we feel, it's actually even worse than we realize.

In Vegas, the weather is warm.  Our house is empty and Aaron was making a great living, just a few miles from our home.  His schedule was flexible, he could meet us for lunch, we had a great support system of friends and neighbors and we had a house full of furniture (and our own bedrooms.)  We left that all behind... for what?  We don't know exactly.  An opportunity to live close to family, have our children see their cousins as often as possible and to raise them in a place where temples and churches are almost on every corner.

Our living situation right now is a little crazy... Aaron and I are in one bedroom with everyone's clothes-- outfits and shoes and underwear and towels and jackets and socks for 8 people.  we have three dressers and a closet and a bed.  And it feels cozy.  The kids cuddle up to us each night as we read and pray together and then we send them down the hall to their bedroom.  Our 5 oldest children sleep in the tiniest bedroom in the house.  It has twin bunk beds where Ben and Luke sleep.  And then Zack, Simon and Roma sleep together on a mattress on the floor.  They have no toys or books of their own, but did bring a few games, and those have been played often.  Eden has her own bedroom.  She sleeps wonderfully in a playpen.  She is the easiest baby on the planet.

While the weather as been warm, we've tried to spend as much time outside as possible.  We wake up early and run on the skywalk.  The kids ride their bikes all over the neighborhood and we've visited the tennis courts and playground down the street from my parents home almost on a daily basis.  We've really enjoyed the breezy fall temps.  But I can definitely feel a chill in the air and I'm afraid for what's coming.

A lady in church today told me, "This is the wrong time of year to move up here.  Don't you know the weather is perfect in Vegas for the next 6 months?"  yes, I know. and if I could have planned it better, I would wait out the winter and move in May.  But I can't explain the sense of urgency we felt.  We prolonged the move just 2 days because our moving truck wasn't available and the sense of urgency kicked in again.  If it had only been me feeling this way, I would have thought I was crazy, but Aaron was the same.  We both felt it and couldn't get up here soon enough.  And both of us both feel such a sense of peace and comfort now that we're here, even though we are not in the most ideal of living conditions.

My parents are amazing.  I have loved being here the past two weeks.  They are generous and relaxed and they are so great with my kids.  A few times, my dad has told Simon to stop talking so loud, but that's not anything new.  Sunny is in backyard heaven and helps herself to my parents vegetable garden, which I feel so bad about.. but overall, she's been a very good dog.  We've all loved it here so far.

My kids are all very happy.  Every one of them.  We've seen the biggest change in Ben since the move.  He's always been a pleasant kid to be around, but now he's almost hyper.  He's talking constantly and always cuddling up to Aaron and me and has been over the top helpful (and I thought he was before.)  He keeps saying, "Utah was made for me." and that makes me so happy.  I felt really bad for him this past week because we didn't know his YM activity was dressing up in your halloween costume and we didn't have anything for him. (we got rid of all our holiday decor and costumes.)  My mom pulled out a few things and he just shrugged his shoulders and didn't want to go.  We went out as a family instead and bought him a new coat and some pants that fit and he seemed perfectly happy.  But that was really the only night I have felt discouraged, wondering what kind of mess we've gotten ourselves into.

Yesterday we had a family/cousin Halloween party.  We pieced together family costumes (totally Ben's idea, pictures later.) and the kids had a blast running around with their cousins in the green grass while the adults all sat around eating good food and laughing together.  I just kept wondering if this was real.  Do we really live here?  It feels good to be home.

Our support group is amazing here.  I've seen a handful of good friends that live close by, stayed up late visiting my bff Fran who has been extremely sick the past few months and it feels good knowing I don't have to squish everyone in in such a short time period.  We had dinner with Phyleen and family last weekend and it was so much fun.  Aaron and Jonas played tennis the next morning and we didn't have to leave it as, "see you in a couple of years" which is usually how I end dinner with friends.  We just live right around the corner from each other and it feels right.  Aaron and I keep asking why we haven't done it sooner and the only reason I can answer that question is because we didn't feel like it was right.  Now it does.

How are we on money?  We aren't exactly tight but we can't exactly spend either.  Our house hasn't sold and we aren't sure how long it will take to get a real paycheck, probably a while.  We could rent or buy a home after our home sells, but we are just kind of waiting to know what to do next.  We got here and we will take the next step when we feel like it's time. I would love to be in our own place by Christmas, but I also don't want to get my hopes up.  We really are taking it day by day.

I guess I'll add some pictures, for my kids... because each of these things have countless memories.. and I want to pay tribute to it because it meant something to us.  But it was not everything.  In fact, it matters very little and we know this because we feel the same after leaving it behind.  Nothing really matters but our family and our crazy dog.  When we are together, we are happy.

 

And to our empty house.  You were a great first home.

When we moved in, we had three young boys...

and while living within these walls, we welcomed 3 more.

You will always have a special place in our hearts.  

We love you, but we don't want to move back.

good, better, best. and moving to zion

it was probably about 18 months ago when Aaron and I had a serious talk about our future over an oreo shake at Cheeburger.  It started out light-hearted with questions about where we saw ourselves in ten/twenty/fifty years and we ended up talking about when we were going to pack up our house and move away.  Somewhere in the middle of the convo, we pulled out five napkins and wrote separate pros and cons lists about where we would live.  At the top of each napkin was a state-- Arizona, Florida, Georgia, Nevada and Utah.  We weighted each option with how far away they were from family and how far away they were from the beach.  But ultimately talked about what would be best for our kids.  I was really pulling for Georgia and Aaron wouldn't really consider anywhere else but Utah.  So we decided that until we could agree, we would stay in Vegas.  But we also agreed that if we stayed, we'd still pack up and move to a different part in the city.

Since then, we've vigorously prayed, talked about and narrowed down our options.  Utah's pros list gradually became longer and longer, the top reason remaining front and center for our kids = COUSINS.  It's cons list was pretty short: cold winters, lots of mormons (which was also on the pro list) and 10 hours from the ocean.  It's been about 6 months since we made the final decision to move, but it's taken me quite a while to get on board.

Aaron opened up his own little practice here after he lost his job in March.  He was doing well, spending lots of time with the family and still being able to keep a roof over our heads.  I was really hoping that he would love it so much that he couldn't find a reason to move.  But the more time he put into it, the more he realized that it wasn't worth it long term.  If we weren't going to stay here forever, then he wasn't going to build a business here.  And I can see where he's coming from, but I really feel like we have a good thing going here.  Vegas has been home for me since day uno.

I made a list (in my head) of things I would not do if moving to Utah.  I wouldn't leave an empty house, we either needed it rented or sold, but occupied by someone.  I wouldn't live with family.  And I wouldn't go before Aaron had good job.  And not just any job, one that would still allow for the kind of family time we've gotten used to over the past year... those were my conditions and I didn't feel like they were too extreme.

Well, I should have known better than to make a list of things I won't do.  Because the universe definitely has a way of making sure we are put in our place.  We are packing up this weekend and will be leaving an empty house.  We've yet to put it on the market.  It's not because we're lazy or irresponsible, but for some reason it never felt like the right time..  it will happen soon, but I am so sad to leave our cute house without knowing who will live in it next or how long it will stay empty.  We will be moving in with my parents until our house sells or we have a better idea of where we want to settle.

I am excited and apprehensive about living with my parents.  They are wonderful in every way, but I have six kids.. and my parents have been empty nesters for quite some time.  I feel extremely grateful to them, for so many reasons, but really hope we don't get on their nerves!  My kids are good kids, but they are still kids and I don't want to turn into a mean mom, worried if they are bothering anyone else.  But, I am excited to watch them bond with my parents and I look forward to showing them around my neck of the woods.  My parents moved into their home when I was Simon's age, so that will be fun to have them really experience a part of my childhood.  My boys are never going to forget the time they lived with their grandparents.  My girls will probably be too young, but they will be a special treat for Grandpa especially.  (he's a sucker for babies and Roma has him wrapped around her finger.)

The thought of living close to my siblings and being there for my nieces and nephews recitals is beyond exciting.  Yes, I will be sad to leave my network of friends here, but I have such an amazing support system in Utah as well.  So many of my high school and college friends live close by and I am really looking forward to reconnecting.  Each time we visit family, our time is so limited and always rushed so this will be a different experience.

As far as Aaron's job, he's still working out the details, but he's planning on opening up shop for himself.  I love this idea and know that he will be successful in anything he does.  He is a hard-working, thorough, honest attorney and I know he will be inspired in his career.  I also love the flexibility he will have as he makes his own schedule.  We're going to be poor for the next decade or two, but I am totally cool with that.  Money isn't everything.  Family is.

The kids are thrilled.  Aaron wants to go asap.  And I've been torn.  I am sad that I can't be in both places at once (totally typical of me).  I definitely feel happy about our decision, but from all logical perspectives, it seems a little crazy.  The other day, while driving just the two of us, I told Aaron that I just felt hesitant and wanted to wait until we had a solid plan & a bigger bank account.  I think I stressed Aaron out (I usually do when I speak) and he gave me a huge pep-talk. I needed it.  He talked about making decisions with the future in mind.  Yes, it's going to be hard for a while, but 5-10 years down the road, we will be so glad we did it.  If we stayed here in Vegas we'd regret it in 5-10 years.  And that is true.  As fun as it is to be here in the sun and the warmth, we are kind of wasting our time... it seems a little like a vacation and not where we need to be.  But dang.  the vacation really has been a lot of fun.  Aaron also talked about what we need to do in order to live up to our full potential.. going through hard things as well as stepping up to the plate and making sure we do what we feel like we need to.  We talked about each of our patriarchal blessings (specifically Aaron's) and how we need to be in the right place.

A few days later was General Conference and every talk was so inspiring.  But the last session really brought it home for me.  Elder Scott is usually one of my favorites and I loved his list of things we need to do to develop stronger faith and receive more direction.. prayer, scripture study, FHE and temple attendance.  (Not to brag, but we've been killing it in these areas the past few months, I am really looking forward to being closer to a temple cause leaving a newborn for 5 hours is rough.)

After Elder Scott finished, an unfamiliar face from the Seventy stood to speak.  Part of me felt like tuning him out and taking a bathroom break because he spoke in Portuguese and the voice-overs were kind of weird (I would rather have read subtitles.. not because the translator didn't do a great job, but it's hard for me to connect when it isn't their voice or emotion..)  Anyway, Elder Godoy had me hooked in the first few sentences.  "all of us experience moments of great decision in our lives... a small change in direction can have significant future consequences."  Then he proceeds to explain principles we need to follow to make sure we make the right decisions... the VERY things Aaron has been telling me for the past year, and again just a few days prior.  He looked over at me during the talk and winked.  And I knew that we were doing the right thing.  I am sure that talk applied to so many people in their individual circumstances but I really needed it.  I've listened to and read it a dozen times since.

Elder Godoy talks about choosing between good, better. and best (quoting an earlier talk,)  I love the words by Elder Oaks and have thought about it many times over the years, especially about small decisions with parenting, homeschooling, and especially when it comes to physical items like what to keep in our home, etc. But after thinking about our pros and cons list we made more than a year ago and then hearing these talks, I just couldn't deny that we are doing the right thing.  Is it going to be an adjustment?  No doubt.  But it will be worth it.

One other conversation that has had a huge impact on my thought process these past few weeks came from my mom.  I was probably venting to her about one thing or another and said something like, "I just don't want this move to be harder than it has to be."  She stopped me and said, "You've got to stop telling yourself that it will be hard.  It doesn't have to be.  It will be an adventure!  You are all going to have a lot of fun.  It doesn't have to be hard unless you make it so."  At first I just figured she was being Pollyanna, like she always is, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true.  It really doesn't have to be hard at all.  Has packing up been exhausting?  Totally.  But it's also been a lot of fun.  The kids have really enjoyed helping, we've spent so much time together and it's really been a sweet experience.  Saying goodbye to my friends and ward is emotional, but it also is such a blessing that we have close friends to miss.  It feels so good to move away from a city and home that we love.  We will always look back on our time here with fondness.  And we have a lot to look forward to in the future, so that's what we're doing, looking forward.  onward, ever onward!

what dreams may come.

After Beth's comment and an email from my brother talking about evil dreams, I wanted to respond publicly.  I've been having really disturbing dreams lately.  I mean, I have always had crazy dreams for as long as I can remember, but I hardly ever have evil dreams.  Sometimes I get a little scared and I can think of a few times where I needed to wake up Aaron and have him cuddle me, but it's pretty rare.  But the past few months, my dreams have woken me up and there is no way I could go back to sleep.  Once or twice, I've been scared to even move in bed.. like not even wiggle my toes or breathe too loudly.  I know that I am surrounded by evil spirits and more than once I've seen a man's face flash before my eyes-- the same evil face.. and I know he wants to destroy me and my family.  It's been so freaky.

A few weeks ago, I was woken up and had enough courage to get out of bed and read scriptures in another room.  After some study, I searched on my phone for conference talks and articles that would comfort me.  I came across THIS TALK by Richard G. Scott and was able to relate to what he talked about evil spirits wanting to destroy his eternal family.  I LOVE when people can talk personally especially in a public environment, as he states in the beginning of his message:

"I would speak to each of you as though we were in a private conversation where we share our purest feelings, our aspirations, our hopes, and our dreams as two can do when there is mutual trust and a common basis of belief. I encourage you to write the feelings and impressions that come to you. I have prayed that the Spirit confirm to your mind and heart the essence of what I would like to communicate. "

I try to write my blog in the same format, as if I was talking to my brother or a best friend.  I realize many of you reading have ever met me in person or do not know me well, but that doesn't mean we can't have an intimate conversation. I encourage you to do the same on your own blog or in the comments below, if you feel so inclined.  I know a lot of people could benefit from the messages many have sent to me privately.  But private emails is awesome too, if you don't want to share with anyone else.

I don't want to talk about evil things so that we welcome it into our lives.  But more so that we can be aware that it is real and that evil can have a great impact on our thoughts, relationships, dreams and in our daily lives.  I can't speak for anyone else and their actions, because we have NO IDEA what others are experiencing personally and cannot say why they act or respond to certain situations the way they do.  When I think about those who deal with family dissonance, depression and suicide, I assume that Satan has more control over their thoughts than they realize.  I think he has more influence over all of us than we realize.

When I was in high school, my younger brother would wake up possessed with something scary.  He is a very calm person so we all knew he was definitely dreaming and sleep walking.  He was a baseball player and would pretend to hit grand slams and run the bases around our living room.  It was hilarious at first, but as time went on, he would lose more and more control over his body and literally went crazy several times.  I remember one particularly freaky night when he got up and pretended to swing a baseball bat and hit home runs... then he went around our home and was swinging at family pictures-- breaking them off the walls and attacking anything he could that was precious to our family and home.  My brothers had to hold him down while my dad gave him a blessing and even after that, he was fighting it and squirming to hurt us.  To this day, he doesn't remember anything about those experiences.

I also have several memories of my siblings having scary dreams, so evil they wouldn't be able to talk about them or explain what was going on.  This was foreign to me because I hardly ever felt evil, in my dreams or in life.  As I explained in earlier posts, I know that Satan influences me through thoughts that I believe to be my own.  They are actual voices that run through my mind and contradict how I feel or what I believe or know to be true.  And they have been so convincing.

I believe I wrote about this earlier and even explained this dream over the pulpit in a talk, but this was a dream a had a few years ago and it's had a significant effect on the way I parent and what I allow into my home.

I dreamed I was having a party.  My house (that I currently live in on Torino Ave in Las Vegas) was full of family and friends.  There was hardly any walking room because so many people were inside and mingling happily with each other.  The doorbell kept ringing and I continued to invite people into my home.  There was lots of delicious food and drinks being passed out and I remember holding a tray of appetizers as I went around hugging and talking to guests.  After some time, my doorbell rang again and a man stood outside.  I did not recognize him, and knew immediately that he was not a good person.  But he seemed to know others inside my home and I didn't want to seem rude..  So I reluctantly opened my door and allowed him to come inside.   

I felt sick to my stomach as soon as he entered and kept a close eye on him because I was afraid of what he might do or say to my loved ones.  Time passed, and more people entered, and more space grew between me and this man.  He knew where I was and he knew that I was watching him.  But he saw his opening, when I was too far away to stop what he was doing.  In an instant, he grabbed my son Luke by the collar, picked him up and ran into my guest room down the hall.  He locked the door and I knew he was harming him inside that room.  I ran as fast as I could after them and screamed out for everyone to help.  I grabbed a hatchet from my garage and was frantically knocking down the door when I woke up in a cold sweat.   

It was a terrifying dream.  And I stayed awake all night pondering what it meant to me and for my family.  God inspired me that night to know (for certain) that no video games or television programs would enter my home.  Extreme, yes.  But it was a clear answer that media needed to be perfectly monitored and just because others invited it into their home didn't mean it was okay for me to invite it in.  To this day, we do not have any digital screens.  No ipads or technical devices and very limited computer time (rare homeschool searches that are monitored by all the children for a specific purpose.)  You could call me a nazi media mom and that's okay..  it just happens to be something that I know my family shouldn't be affected by right now.  I am not sure if or when I will ever introduce it, but it's something I pray about often.  I don't think it's necessarily pornography or games or other addictions that are evil, but I know that I was warned to monitor it closely in my own home.  We just can't have the kind of environment we need to raise responsible, loving, attentive children with free screen time.  And my children know exactly why I won't let it in.  I just care about them too much to let them do whatever they want.

That dream was several years ago, but my dreams recently have been about my girls.  I continue to dream about the death of my daughters.  I can't count how many times I have dreamed that my girls have died together and I have buried them in the same casket.  These are devastating dreams, but they are almost always followed by a sense of peace and comfort.  And they usually make me feel so grateful for their sweet spirits in our home.  A couple of times after dreaming about their burial, I will go and get them out of their beds and cuddle with them in mine.  Aaron has woken up so many times to a little girl in between us and he never asks any questions.  I've woken him up several times asking for his opinion and advice on what I should do or how I should respond.  Neither of us have really received any direction in this area (yet) but I feel that God is trying to tell me something... and I do know that I have felt so grateful for each day I have with my family.

Okay so this dream is kind of crazy, but I just told my friend Jane about it and now I feel like documenting it.  I have NO IDEA what it means, but I think the way we feel about a dream is more important than the content itself.  anway, last week I had a dream that Aaron cheated on me and got another woman pregnant.  This is what I can remember.

The dream started out with me talking to a dear friend, who also happened to be Michelle Money from the Bachelor.  (no I didn't watch this summer's bachelor in paradise, but I hear she was the star... I never really liked her in Brad's season or the Pad, but I really liked her in my dream.) Anyway, we were together talking about life and she mentioned that she was expecting a baby.  I was so surprised because she wasn't married and wasn't dating anyone.  I asked her if she knew who the father was, and she broke down in tears, telling me that she had slept with my husband.  I didn't believe her at first and told her that I needed to talk to Aaron alone.  

Aaron and I sat down to talk and I told him this crazy conversation that Michelle claimed she was expecting his baby.  Aaron got very quiet and told me that it was true.  That they had been together more than once and that he was sorry.  I was heartbroken and couldn't understand, but he was sincere in his apology and told me that he also had an alcohol problem... shocker!  Immediately, I saw him in a new light.  In my real life, my husband can do no wrong... but in my dream, I realized that he has weaknesses and I need to take him off the pedestal I put him on and see him as a fallen soul.  My world was shattered, but so was his, so we decided to work it out and stick together no matter what.  I truly felt so much compassion for this man.  Of course, I was disappointed, but I also knew that I loved him enough to stand by him.

After my conversation, I went back to Michelle and told her that I knew everything and that I felt compassion for her too and I would help her do whatever she needed.  She started sobbing and told me that she was terminally ill and was going to die.  Both of us sobbed together and she laid down in her bed and I prepared it for some kind of transformation she was about to undergo.  It doesn't make sense now, but it made perfect sense in my dream.  I wrapped her up in a brown silky cloth and she closed her eyes.  The next day she had transformed into a beautiful (small) bat.  I opened up her bed and she spread her wings and showed me that even though her transformation was successful and complete, her wing was badly wounded and she would still die.  I felt so much sorrow for her and tried everything I could do to bandage her wing and help her learn to fly again.  But it was no use.  She was still expecting and she would not live to care for her baby-- which now turned out to be several baby bats.  

The morning her babies were born, she passed away.  I gathered her baby bats in a shoe box and tried to comfort them the best I could.  I padded the box and tried to bottle feed them with one of Roma's miniature bottles.  None of my other children were present, but Aaron was there and was also trying to help me care for the baby bats he fathered..  Soon they were hungry and crying for their mama and I started to panic.  I didn't know how to care for them and there was no one around that could tell me how to take care of bats!  They were so cute and helpless and kept squeaking at me.  I frantically started searching the internet for things to feed them or ways to help them grow into full-functioning adult bats.  Everything I read that they needed was a foreign object.  I didn't know what the food was or where to buy it, so I raided my own fridge and cupboards and found foods and liquids that they could eat.  They warmed up to me and started taking the food and I felt so relieved and encouraged as I cared for these sweet little (creepy) creatures.  They grew to love me as much as I loved them and I told them stories of their beautiful mother bat and her long eyelashes and sparkly lips.  I sang them songs and gave them each their own special brown silky beds as I tucked them into bed each night.  Aaron helped them too and we grew closer in our adventure of raising this litter of baby bats together.

I woke up feeling so warm and compassionate.  I felt tender feelings toward Aaron, his pretty mistress and to these wonderful little creatures that found a way into my heart.  As I lay in bed, I laughed thinking about how I just recreated Charlotte's Web in a twisted love affair with my husband's infidelity, but really it was a rather sweet dream.  I don't know if it has any symbolism for me in my life but I do have a deep desire to adopt children who are less fortunate and don't have warm homes to grow up in.  Part of me has a fear that I won't be able to care for them as much as their own mother's would, but this dream gave me confidence that I would do everything in my power to find the right way to raise someone else's child, even if what they need is very different than what my own children need.  I have no idea why they turned into BATS or what that would symbolize (if anything) but they really were such adorable little creatures, with their fangs and bug eyes and stretched out wings.  I loved them like my own!  Weird dream for sure, but it happened just a few days ago and I thought it was significant enough to document.  

Okay, my real kids need to be tucked into bed.  Until next time, blogger.

Oct 2014 General Conference

we spent our last weekend in our home.  we have a list a mile long of things we need to do, but instead of working on projects, we pulled a mattress downstairs and cuddled up together.  Listening to and watching General Conference.  Our house was filled with good food and music from the motab.  And now, Sunday night we're still all cuddled up together... watching Saturday's Warrior.  My kids had never heard of it before and it's unfortunate we've waited so long to introduce them to such a classic.

Yesterday I posted this status on my fb page and the feelings of peace and comfort have only magnified during the Sunday sessions..

It's been an eventful year for our little family. Aaron and I have been "in limbo" for quite some time.. From injuries to surgeries, dealing with financial hardship and unemployment, having a new baby, postpartum, homeschooling, church service, raising preteens (and a teenager!), starting a new business and finally deciding to sell our home & move closer to family... it's been stressful, to say the least. But even through difficult times of discouragement, we also know we've been incredibly blessed. We've truly grown closer in our marriage and to each of our children. Many have asked how we've managed to stay sane through all the transitions. I know that it is because God is aware of us and even though it seems He's given us very little direction or answers to our prayers, we have felt so much happiness and security. Today while listening to Apostles of Jesus Christ speak in conference, I was overwhelmed with peace. My life should be filled with stress and discouragement and fear, but instead I feel joy and excitement and faith in the future. It really is amazing to me.

If you need more peace in your life, know that God is aware of you personally. If you need to feel uplifted, listen to the messages of hope linked below. If you only have a few minutes (and not 8 hours) I would recommend the messages by Tad Callister & Jorg Klebingat in the Saturday afternoon session. These words spoke to my soul and make me so incredibly grateful for the good and hard experiences in my life. God is real and He is aware of each one of His children, this I know.

I received so much direction during these 10 hours of conference.  i wanted to record a few of my thoughts.. but I will save the personal stuff for my journal, where I scribbled more than 20 pages of goodness.

I listened to Elder Uchtdorf's talk several times.  I really love him and know that there will be so much opposition as we bear testimony of God and things we believe to be true.  There are so many who won't believe, who will criticize and even dislike me for what I share, but that's okay.  We are all going through our own experiences and need certain things in our lives and just because we believe differently doesn't mean we can't get along out appreciate each other for who we are.