floating down the river...

So, I've listened to two "Awesome with Alison" podcasts today (How have I not clicked on these before?) and here I am writing my second blog post.  Today is really the first day I've pulled out my laptop in three months and that in itself is unfortunate.  But anyway, I am listening to all kinds of good things and just wanted to write out what I was thinking.. Love her energy.  and btw, I totally do feel more awesome after listening.

In episode 13 (yes, totally skipping to whatever number sounds good.) Alison talks about planning an event and how magically its coming together.. she said a line that struck me.. something about how she jumped right into the river, hoping it would take her somewhere and how it feels magical.  This struck me because that's EXACTLY what mindfulness is..  it's magical.  and JUST TODAY I was talking to my sister on the phone and we were talking about how we get through hard moments.  I was telling her that my hardest moments over the past few months have always been after a doctor's appointment (because I wait up to 2 weeks to see a specialist or surgeon and then I am always let down because they want me to wait longer before moving forward.. give it some time, see another specialist, etc.  I obviously don't want to jump into surgery either, but dude, I haven't been able function.  My entire leg is numb and I feel pins and needles 24/7.)  And then often times if I am on my feet too much during the day, I will pay for it at night and feel a ton of pain before I go to sleep. anyway, this is way more complaining and less about how I cope with it.  So every night when I lay in bed and my leg is on fire and I can't get comfortable, I think of two things.  Every single night I fall asleep to these images and they have saved me.  First, I imagine myself running outside.  It's sunny, I have headphones and great music blasting and I am running as fast as I can and it feels so good.  It seems impossible at first because I can't even walk, but I imagine it until it feels real.  And then I switch to relaxation.  I relax and surrender by imagining myself in a river.  I am laying back in an innertube and the water is warm.  The sun (again) is on my face and my eyes are closed.  The river is moving, but I am not worried about where it's taking me because wherever it goes is right where I need to be.  I am not going to capsize.  I am not getting too much sun.  Everything is exactly the way it needs to be because life is working out for me.  I love this image and it's about the only vision that helps me realize that sciatica is what I need.  I don't know why I need it and I don't care.  I just need to enjoy the journey and stop asking so many questions... I don't need to rush the process and I will never end up where I am not supposed to because life is totally in my favor.  It's all working out for me.  I believe this deep down in my core and I connect with that feeling each night before I go to sleep.  It's saving me right now and allowing me to relax when no amount of pain killers will touch my numbness.  This sucks, but I am not going to go crazy.  I have moments of frustration and tears and hopelessness, but they are just moments.  They are necessary and they cleanse me, but they don't control me.  I am in control of my own emotions and life is totally in my favor.

YES or NO phase

I listened to an "awesome with Alison" podcast (episode 7) on being in a "Yes" or "No" phase.  It was my first Alison podcast... not sure why I picked out one in the middle, but I loved it and want to listen to more.  But it got me thinking about life and phases.

I have always been (or have always tried to be) a YES person.  I am definitely happiest when I can squeeze in the most fun/projects/activities/people as possible.  The best days for me have always been the most productive.  I don't really mean busy-work or errand running, I just mean a day full of meaningful things... that what productive means to me.  My emotional state has always seemed connected to how well I feel physically, because the more I can do, the better I feel.

My husband has teased me for 16 years that I am a YES MOM and he often sings the tune from Oklahoma, "I'm just a girl who cain't say no." and he sings it in a really high, annoying tone as if saying YES was a bad thing.  For him, maybe it was a bad thing (because sometimes my Yes included his participation) but for me, it's never been a bad thing because I genuinely feel better when I do more.  As a parent, I will say yes as often as I possibly can.  If I can't make it happen for my kids, I want THEM to figure out a way because life is short-- so let's make it happen if we can!  When I do say NO, my kids know I really mean it because it doesn't happen often, so no definitely means NO coming from me.

Fast forward to the past three months dealing with Sciatica and being in bed 23 hours a day for what seems like my entire life.  I can't even remember what it was like to be a YES mom.  I literally say NO to every thing that comes my way... and you know what?  It feels amazing.  I love being a NO person!!!!!  There are days where I literally get nothing done except a shower and getting dressed.  The simple basic things of life are on my someday list.  And I don't even care when that someday is... I just do what I can do and that is very little.  I am not saying that I don't want to get better or back to my everyday normal but I really don't know when that normal will be, so right now, I am in a total NO phase.  No to church, no to friends, no to anything social, no to date nights, no to everything... actually that's not true.  I don't say no to visitors and maybe I should because we've had nonstop visitors and I doubt I will say no anytime soon.  But I say yes to people coming to stay with us because it's a YES that I can say for my kids.. cousins/aunts/uncles to our house is a blast for my kids and their lives are very dull right now, so as long as they help me get ready for visitors, it's a total party.  Yes to all the parties!

So, what am I saying?  I guess that it FEELS SO GOOD to be a YES mom AND a NO mom!  because whenever you are doing the best you can, it really doesn't matter how much or how little you are doing..  I am just doing what I can and it feels good to let the rest go.  I am loving letting my life all go to pot!!! it feel so good, I will say YES later...

the parable of the unlaced combat boot

It's thursday December 22nd around 5:00 am.  I woke up about an hour ago and curled up in bed with my thoughts before I decided to come downstairs and write.  It's dark everywhere, except for the light coming from the christmas tree.  I am listening to pitter-patter of rain on the windows as well as the Felicity soundtrack from my laptop.

If we have a baby girl next month, I'd like to name her Felicity.  The name means happiness.  Happiness is a great way to describe how we feel about her arrival and the state of our family life during this pregnancy.  Aaron and I have come to an agreement that if it's a girl, I get to name her.  If it's a boy, he can pick the name.  My top boy name is FLOYD.  Floyd is his dad's middle name and I think it's totally bad-A.  Aaron isnt on the same page, unfortunately, with either Felicity or Floyd.  This is why we divide and conquer when it comes to hard decisions like naming our kids, or go generic to find a common ground.  What would it be like to be married to a man that agreed with my name choices?  I will never know.

I am not really an emotional pregnant woman.  I mean, I cry.  I have emotions.  But I don't cry often and when I do it's over totally bizarre and insignificant things.

When I was 8 months pregnant with Eden, Aaron lost his job.  I didn't shed a single tear.  We were in a really confusing stage in life, not knowing if it was right to stay put or move closer to extended family.  Everything was up in the air and I DIDN'T want to leave Vegas, but I didn't worry about it too much.  Then, out of the blue in the middle of church, as I bent down to grab something off the floor, the underwire to my favorite bra snapped in half.  I could NOT stop the tears.  In fact, three years later, here I am, getting all teary eyed over that amazing bra.  I loved it so much.  I have yet to find a replacement that makes me feel as comfortable and happy as that bra.

This pregnancy has kind of been the same way when it comes to the way I've handled my emotions.  The "big" things don't phase me too much.  There have been a few tough conversations I've had with family members over religion.  It should send me over the edge, but I really feel like dealing it without jumping to conclusions or taking it personally is healthy and that it will all smooth out over time.  I feel no stress or anxiety about it.  But the day-to-day things.... like losing my keys when the kids are all ready to leave is the END.of.the.WORLD.  I only have one set of keys to my van right now and I MUST know where that set is at all times or I will have a nervous breakdown.

Yesterday I got up early and showered for the day.  That's unusual for me to be ready before lunch.  Actually, it's unusual for me to be ready before dinner.  I usually take a bubble bath each night, so why do my hair and makeup if it's all just going to come off later, ya know?  Anyway, yesterday I was determined to take on the day and dressed to the nines, in all black.  I decided to wear my combat boots because they are the only black shoes I own and I felt like combating.  I asked Roma if she would help me tie them because bending over and lacing up those boots seemed impossible.  As I took a solid ten minutes to lace up one boot, Roma took over the other, but I was too busy bending over and concentrating on breathing, I didn't realize that Roma had pulled out my shoe lace completely instead of tightening it.  She handed my lace over and I started crying.  Tears just flowed down my face as if she had just stabbed me in the back.  I felt so betrayed and helpless.  How could she do that to me?????

I am not sure how long it took me to lace the shoe again, put it back on my swollen foot and tie it up, but I cried through the whole process.  The simplest things are sometimes the most difficult to deal with.  When I am in a fragile state, I just want to be able to do what I want to be able to do, and if I can't, I fall apart.  I just want to tie my shoes and breath at the same time. Is that too much to ask for?

The rest of the day, my eyes would fill up with tears just thinking about those who have chronic illnesses that aren't visible to the rest of us.  Being in a physically or emotionally fragile state without being able to ask for help without sounding pathetic sounds like the worst way to live.  Just thinking about all of the people in this world who can't do what they want to do when they want to do it makes me emotional.  If you are depressed and can't roll yourself out of bed, I am crying for you right now.  Not because I think you're pathetic, but because you are awesome.  And I know how it feels to be awesome, but still not be able to do what you want to do.  I hope things get better.  And if they don't, I hope you have a really comfortable pillow to cry on.

For me, not being able to roll out of bed in the morning is death.  I would rather die than stay in bed. Obviously, I am being a little dramatic here, but my entire day is about the early morning hours.  I don't know what it is about being outside to watch the sun come up, but it literally gives my body enthusiasm and excitement.  I can physically feel the light and energy fill my cells and I feed off of that energy for the rest of the day...  If I don't get up early, I usually don't have the enthusiasm to get anything done.  I would love to know exactly how many hours of sleep I need to function well, but if I had to take a guess I would say it's 4-5.  If I sleep more than 8, I think I am in a real sad state.  When I am unhappy, I sleep.  When I am excited about life, I am on my feet.

My best friend Jane read a book recently that reminded her of me.  I am going to do a terrible job retelling the story, and I don't even have a book title to reference from right now.  But she told me a story of a man who was on his death bed in the hospital.  He had no chance of survival.  So in his sorry state, he found himself leaving his hospital room and making his way up to the roof of the hospital to watch the sun rise.  The hospital staff thought that he was trying to commit suicide, so they sent him home to die.  When he got home, he continued his ritual of waking up to watch the sunrise.  Every morning, he woke up before the sun and sat outside to breath the fresh air and soon he realized something profound.  The birds started chirping all at the same time 40 something minutes before the sun peaked.  He became interested and started methodically keeping a journal of when the birds started singing and sure enough, it was the EXACT same 42 minutes before sunrise.  After research, he realized that trees start to photosynthesize (release oxygen) at their highest levels 42 minutes before the sun comes up.  His conclusion was that sunrise is the healthiest part of the day and that birds sing to fill their lungs with the healthiest air.  After a steady ritual of being outside and breathing in the freshest air and listening to the song of the birds healed this man completely and (according to the book, or according to my friend who read the book and then told me this story) the man is still alive today, teaching others about why it's so good to be outside, breathing in fresh air in the morning.

How cool is that story?  And the thing is... I KNEW THAT before she told me or any scientists measured the levels of oxygen in the air.  I've known it in my bones (for as long as I can remember) that I am most alive and the healthiest in the morning.  Is the sunrise beautiful to watch?  Always.  But it's more about the way I feel inside when I am outside, breathing in the sun.  I am looking forward to the time when I will exercise while watching... but for right now, my swing on my bedroom balcony is my sanctuary.  I feel more energized, empowered, enlightened, inspired than I have ever felt in a church sermon or in a conversation with anyone else.  (And for this reason I am not even sure I want to exercise in the morning because it might distract from that hour of meditation.)  I brought my phone outside for a while to take pictures of the sunrise and share what I was reading and thinking about, but then my phone died for a week and NOT having it out there was even better.  So I stopped documenting.  Kind of sad about it because... man, I didn't take pictures of some amazing views.  I bring books to read and sometimes I read chapters and sometimes I read a couple of lines, but always my mind is still and open to process my thoughts.  I have been able to completely "heal" over negative situations or conversations in my life on that balcony swing, just by sitting there and thinking.  I can take a scenario, (mine or a friend/client I hope to help) and I can process it in a way that completely takes out ALL negativity.  Not in a Polyanna, there is no reason to feel sad or upset, kind of way.  But in a way that gives the situation POWER, but only enough power to get over it, to easily let it go and leave you feeling so much stronger and better than you were before it ever showed up in the first place.  All experiences are here to teach us.  The difficult experiences teach us more.

Am I getting too cheesy or hippie or weird?  I hope it doesn't sound complicated, because it's the most simple process.  I wish I could spell it out as simply as it is in my mind, but take for instance my shoe lace that Roma untied.  Here (would be) the thought process I go through..

She is such a brat.
WHY would she do something so mean and cruel?
She is the WORST child ever.
She doesn't appreciate anything I do for her and she makes my life difficult on so many levels.
Am I overacting?  Probably.
Lacing up my shoe again isn't going to take me forever.
Dang, this sucks.
I can't bend over.
I hope I don't suffocate myself or my baby by bending in half.
I want to quit, but I can't.
I can do this.
There are so many people out there who can't tie their shoes either...
And not because they are in a temporary state of pregnancy.  This is their life on a day to day basis and it won't ever get better for them.
Wow.  They are amazing.
They keep waking up and going, even when they don't want to.
Whoever they are, those people who struggle to tie their shoes or roll out of bed, I will never know.
It could be anyone and so they are now everyone.
I hardly ever notice them because they don't draw attention to themselves.
I am sending out gratitude and love and appreciation for them, as well sympathy and admiration for those who deal with things that are too hard for them to talk about.
I hope I can touch them in some way.
I hope they feel comfortable to open to me.
They are my heroes.
I am a freaking hero too.  I am seriously a rockstar....
Look at my shoes.  I laced them up all by myself!
The boot that got completely untied is stronger and feels better than the other.
But I'm not going to untie the other, no chance of that.
Thank you sweet, gorgeous, adorable daughter of mine.
You are constantly helping me become stronger and more enlightened.
I love that you are in my life because you bring out the best side of me.
I bet that you also have struggles that you can't or won't talk about.
I hope, eventually, I will be the safe place for you to open up or the shoulder you can cry on.

Sounds and looks totally cheesy typed up like that, but it was a process I went through yesterday and now those positive thoughts of love and gratitude are carrying me inot the early morning hours of the next day.  The sun is now up.  I can't see it because it's a little cloudy and drizzly outside.  But I am going to lace up my tennis shoes (much easier than my boots) and I am going to take a walk outside for a few minutes until I feel refreshed enough but not quite frozen.  December 22 is going to be a good day, I can feel it.

Benjamin (Mr. million dollar money man)

It's 3 am on a Friday morning and I am ready to take on the day.  Pregnancy produces some kind of amazing (and annoying) hormone that keeps me awake at night.  It's usually only toward the end of my pregnancies where I feel this extra surge of sleeplessness, so that has me excited.  I still have three months to go, but this morning, it feels like the beginning of the end.

I usually read when I am awake at night, but the light of my kindle always bothers Aaron, even when I try to hide under several pillows.  And Eden was in bed with me tonight (best cuddler ever, not even the least bit annoying.  She gently holds my hand and makes the cutest newborn sleeping noises...) so I worried about waking either of them.  And I felt like writing instead, anyway.  It's been way too long since I've published a real blog post.  I have a dozen in the draft folder..

As I was awake in bed, I was going through each of my kids and feeling like I need an update on their lives.  They've all been through a ton of changes and adjustments this past year or two and I haven't done a great job of documenting it properly.  Today I wanted to focus on my oldest.  Let's consider this a little birthday tribute, since the last time I updated my blog was before he was 15.  He's grown up so much over the past few months.  He's going to be driving before I know it and I am both extremely excited and a little sad about that.  Time flies by too quickly.

I think our moves were the toughest on Ben.  I mean, I am sure of it.  He loved Utah and was really the only person who didn't want to come back to Vegas.  He's adjusted so much better than I was expecting and I am proud of him for being so flexible and upbeat about it.  It was tough on him having to make friends in each of the neighborhoods and wards we attended in Utah (5 wards in an 18 month period.)  but happily went on Trek with strangers and served in several different church quorums. Now he's in a new school and making the most of his social life.  The other night Aaron and I dropped him off at a stake dance, which was kind of far away from our house and outside in the middle of a dirt field/parking lot.  The crowd was kind of far away and it was dark when he got out of the car when I asked him if he was going to be okay.  He responded, "Mom, I know a ton of people here."  Which made me smile.  A "ton" of friends might be 3 for Ben.  He's done so many things solo lately that knowing anyone is an improvement.

Whenever picking him up after anything, he's super talkative, which surprises me because he's a teenager and a boy, and everything I've heard from other parents is that teenage boys don't share info. But what I've seen about Ben is that he's more upbeat and talkative and forthcoming than ever before.  When I picked him up from this particular outdoor stake dance he went through the list of all the girls he asked, how he knows them, etc. At one point he said, "A girl asked me to dance with a really weird name.  She goes by KIM.  And it's, like, short for KIM-BER-LEE."  He said it so drawn out and foreign.  I laughed and told him it was a totally popular name in my day.  He said he'd never heard of it before and that I should name a famous Kim or someone that he would know.  And I couldn't name any.  We still tease him about it, yet I still can't introduce him to a single one.  KIM-BER-LEE.

Mr. September (and October)  Ben's campaign poster hanging in our pantry.

Another funny thing that I want to record was after he brought home his school pictures.  They were cute, but his smile was forced and that was a bummer.  He has such an easy, natural smile and laugh that I was a little disappointed.  I told him they were cute and then texted this to Aaron.. (sorry only the first two texts are relevant.)

That night the older boys went to scouts at the church and Aaron and I played with the littles at the park across the street.  Ben and Luke went to hide in the van after they were done (to scare us) but we kept waiting and waiting at the park and eventually they came to get us.  I had left my phone in the van and he was browsing through it, apparently.  I don't have a password on my phone and usually have nothing to hide, but he saw that I texted Aaron about his awkward school pictures.  While walking to the car, Ben put his arm around me and said, "So now I know all of your dark secrets."  I didn't know what he was talking about so he asked if I wanted to be truthful about how I felt about his school pictures.  I felt so bad, but he just laughed and said, "You could have told me to my face that you thought my pictures were awkward.  I don't get my feelings hurt that easily!"  It was such a playful (sad) moment.  I apologized for texting Aaron about it instead of talking to him, but we both kind of laughed it off.  I don't want to be critical of the kids, but I also want to be honest.  I also love that Aaron is like,Duh.  Let Ben decide.  He got retakes and they are so much better, but if you put the pictures side by side, no one would be able to tell the difference but me.  One smile is fake, the other is more natural.  Still not worth $50, not matter how cute they are.

Ben has a smart phone, finally.  Aaron got a new one this summer and passed down his old iphone.  Ben forgets to take it half of the time, which is annoying and darling.  Often I will text him and the notification will go off in my kitchen (where it charges overnight.)  I think it was a smart decision to hold off until now.  He's not addicted or preoccupied with any kind of tech so far, but that may be because he doesn't have much of a social life, yet.  He's adjusted and connected but definitely not addicted.  He has a tablet he takes to school because his grades and quizzes are digital these days.  I am not at all against social media for teens, I just don't want it to preoccupy their time.

Ben has done great with the workload of his classes.  I really don't know what kinds of scores he's getting on his tests or if his teachers have any idea who their students are, but he does his homework and doesn't complain about it.  It's a ton of busywork and that's totally annoying, but it doesn't seem to bother Ben.  He has about an hour of quiet time before the younger boys get home from school and he usually studies right when he gets home.  But he stays downstairs and chats with me while working.  Roma took this picture the other day and I love it because it's life.  Ben will spread out his stuff and kick back and chat while working on something.  The girls will dance around him and I like to hear about his day and he's usually laughing about something that someone said or did that was interesting.  Yesterday he told me that one of his teachers was so annoyed with the noise level in the classroom that he let out a loud dinosaur SHRIEK that had all of the students and the teacher laughing.  He told the story again when Aaron and the boys got home from school and it was just as funny, if not more so.

A few things he has complained about-- witnessing fights at school.  He's seen two up close and they were disturbing.  Both fights were between a boy and a girl and he watched the boyfriend hit his girlfriend.  I guess I forgot about that part of school.  I witnessed some pretty bloody fights in school, but only one between a girl and a her boyfriend.  I still remember it like it was yesterday and I don't want my kids to have to see those kinds of things.  Ben said the other day that it took 5 adults to break this couple apart and cool down the hitting.  I hate to think of him standing by, just watching it all go down, but is that real life?  I mean, what do you do?  Just feel grateful it's not you in the middle of the hair-pulling and arm-swinging, I guess.  Sad.  Another thing that is interesting to me is that Ben cannot handle taking notes in every class.  He says he will write for two to three hours straight and it makes him crazy.  He's pretty aware that the teachers aren't passionate about what they are explaining and they just want to cram information down the kids throats.  Maybe it's all stuff he's going to be tested on, I don't know.  But he's not used to this kind of "learning".  I can't really remember if my college classes were this way, but his feelings are valid and it's just a part of the system.  My younger boys don't complain of this, so that's good.  I don't remember being bothered by taking notes, but I am pretty sure I was the ultimate doodler.

A few other things i want to document, but hate to do it publically because it comes across as total bragging, but that's the kind of kid my Ben is and this is his birthday post, afterall.  Once day this summer my windshield got the HUGEST bird poop while we were out running errands.  We ran into the store and came out to a big surprise.  While loading the kids and groceries into the house, I came outside to find Ben with a bowl of soapy water and a winter ice scraper cleaning the poop off of my windshield!  He's a great kid, but I was totally shocked and told him that I didn't expect HIM to have to clean it off.  He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Why should YOU have to be the one to clean it?  I am almost done."  And that was that.  I wish I would have taken a picture of it because seriously, it looked like it came from an ostrich.  And also, because it really meant a lot to me that he would voluntarily do something so sweet.  I was pregnant and it was 1000 degrees and cleaning that off would have been a b*tch.  I should think of another word, but that's the only one that came to me.

Last weekend Aaron's siblings and kids came to town.  Ben was busy ALL week at school and I was trying not to be bothered about it.  The student council literally decorated the halls of the school like Howarts because their Homecoming dance is a Harry Potter theme.  Ben was at the school everyday after school for weeks.  But this week was the worst of all.  I don't mind him being away, but he's such a big help at home, I was totally missing him.  The night Aaron's siblings flew into town, I needed to pick Ben up at the school around 11 pm.  I was so tired and the minute he got into the car, he said, "Mom, I'm sorry! You look so tired.  Did you have to wait long?  I wish I could drive myself home."  It was so endearing.  I was not mad at him for a second.  I told him on the way home that we needed to stop by the store for a few things, and he insisted on going into the store with a list of items, so that I could wait in the car.  But I needed a turkey bag (thanksgiving meal was happening the next day) and he didn't know what I was talking about.  We went in the store together and he put his arm around my shoulders and gave me a back massage as we walked in.  He is so much like Aaron, I can't believe it.  I  basically have two husbands.

Speaking of which, early on in the school year, I had an ovarian cyst rupture.  This is my 4th or 5th rupture (the first happening when Luke was a baby) and they are so extremely painful.  I went to get an early ultrasound this summer, when I was only a few weeks pregnant, because I could feel the pressure mounting and wondered if it was an eptopic pregnancy.  It feels like the worst cramps that never go away... I was in bed for a few days.  But the cyst rupture was actually weeks later and it's sudden, comes on without any warning and feels like someone stabbed you in the stomach with a knife.  The pain is only severe for an hour or two, but it's so bad during that time that I kind of want to die.  ANYWAY, the girls and I had just made a batch of cookies when I doubled over in pain.  I knew exactly what it was and ran to the toilet, because the pain is so bad that it makes me vomit.  While in the bathroom, Eden stripped down to use her little potty and Roma got the idea that she wanted to wait for Ben to come home from the bus outside (his bus stop is quite a walk from our house.)  So, here I am throwing up so badly, I can't stop my naughty (and naked) girls from going outside and literally, I could not move.  Roma and Eden had probably been outside for ten minutes while I was throwing up (and ripping off my own clothes.. I can't even explain it, but my head was soaken with sweat because the pain is so intense, you kind of lose all control.)  I knew I didn't need to call an ambulance, but I needed help and calling Aaron was the only think I could think of.  I was so mad at Roma for being such a brat and going outside even though I told her not to.  I was sobbing on the phone to Aaron... Right now I am laughing at how pathetic the situation was.  It's probably my lowest point in all of my 37 years of life.  As soon as Aaron said he was leaving work to come home, Ben walked through the door, with both girls... holding Eden who was naked.  I told Aaron we were fine because Ben was here to save the day.  Ben grabbed me a blanket (I was in my underwear only and laying on the tile floor motionless.)  He helped me to the couch, got me a cold glass of water and some ibuprofen, and then sat down Roma for a serious lecture.  I was still in so much pain, but watching how quickly he took care of the situation was amazing.  He literally stepped in and rescued me from death.  And then he went on to tell Roma that Mom NEEDS help when the boys are at school and that she is NEVER to go outside again without an adult (advice she doesn't follow.)  Then he got Eden dressed and took the cookies out of the oven (which were probably burning) and kept asking me what else he could do.  It was a moment I will never forget, I could cry just thinking about it.

This week I have been thinking about our dear friends the Poulsens who have a 15 year old daughter in the hospital with her second battle with leukemia.  She has been on her death bed the past few days and they are coping so amazingly with the stress and trauma.  I keep thinking about how I would feel if Ben were in that situation and my heart wants to explode.  Ashtyn is such an amazing girl.  She is so mature and brave and wise beyond her years and it breaks my heart to have to see her so sick.  It makes me want to document more and also be less attached to my kids, if that makes sense.  Not so it would hurt less to lose them, but because they are NOT ours to begin with.  These children come to us for a short time and we need to appreciate and enjoy them while we can.  I see the years and months and days I have left with Ben.  He's basically half way out the door, ready to take on the world and I hardly feel like his mom anymore.  I am just someone sitting by, seeing it happen from a distance.  Parenting is such a beautiful and rewarding and heart-wrenching experience.  And such a fun ride.

Well, that's all for now.  Not sure if I will go back to reading or cuddle up in bed with my peeps.  But either way, it's going to be a good Friday.  Happy weekend.  Hopefully I will be back to blogging before another few months roll by.

XOXO

be the hero of your own life

In Dr Shefali's book Out of Control she writes an entire chapter dedicated to writing scripts for our children (and expecting them to behave in a certain way) and why this backfires on parents.  The chapter is titled "you are not a moviemaker".  I want to quote the first couple of paragraphs because it's that good.

We each run a movie in our head about how life is supposed to be.  We cast our children and intimate others in roles we want for them, with little regard for whether they have consented to these roles.  We impose our script on them, never really stopping to examine whether they are fitted for the part.

With strangers, and perhaps to a lesser degree our friends, we restrain ourselves when it comes to directing the movie.  We know that if we impose on them too much, they'll simply walk out of our life.  But in the case of our children, who are hostage to our care, we feel free to write the lines, buy the costumes and predict the conclusion of the movie.

If suffocated in their assigned roles, our children can comply, taking on the role in which they have been cast, and in the process abandon their true self.  Or they can fight back at the risk of being crushed anyway.  In how a child responds to these two options lie all the behavioral issues we face as parents.  

So attached are we to our subconscious movies, spending a lifetime budget on them, that we fight tooth and nail to manifest them.  When these movies don't do well at the box office-- or even more disappointing, don't even make it to production-- we are devastated.  Many of us rant, rave, scream and blame everyone in sight.  Of course, the most ready targets are our children.   

- Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work, page 64-65.  

I agree with Dr. Shefali, 1000% and think it's really important that we let our children be who they came to be.  We always hear the saying, "You can't change your spouse" and most of us realize this is true.. but the saying needs to also include our children.  Wishing our kids were different than they are damages them.  We can't turn them into the kind of people we want them to be, no matter how hard we try.  They come the way they are and they want to be free to be that person.  Now, if it seems to you that your child is being a nasty kind of person that is NOT who they are.  It's only a reflection of the expectations you are putting on them.  Drop the scripts you've written for them and allow them to be themselves.  Embrace who they are and if you don't like something, change yourself.  That's the only person you have control over.

I've been working with a few couples who are struggling with their kids and it's awesome when both parents want to get on board and make changes.  But you don't need your spouse on the same page to transform your house.  I also have some parents who struggle with the fact that their spouse has changed since they were married (they got married expecting one thing and then the spouse either changed their mind or gave them a facade of what their fairytale would be like.)  I want to say with all of the compassion that I can, that this is bull to expect your spouse to stay exactly the same.  Life is fluid and we are constantly learning new things and expanding our views.  You cannot put any limits on any person and expect them to keep things exactly the way they were.  And the same with children.  You can't tell them that they have to pick an opinion or behavior and stick with it.  You are NOT writing their scripts.  The only thing you have control over is how you respond.  If you no longer like what your spouse is dishing out, leave them.  Don't complain about it and act as though you are being dragged somewhere you don't want to go.  I've seen some women in some pretty terrible relationships, some of them life threatening.  I am a fan of marriage and keeping families together but I will never support misery.  If your spouse makes you miserable, you need to leave.  If you chose to stay, then stop complaining about their behavior.

Now-- here's where I am going to take Dr. Shefali's amazing advice for what it's worth and then say I think it's GOOD to write a script for yourself.  I think it's valuable to cast yourself as your own hero.  In one of my favorite movies The Holiday Arthur tells Iris "In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend." Iris responds, "You're so right. You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life!"  And that's when Iris starts writing her own script and becoming the leading lady of her own life.

I like to pretend I am on a stage, rather than in a movie.  I don't really picture anyone in the audience, but I definitely see myself on stage... And whatever I am doing is the current scene.  If I am doing dishes or vacuuming, that is what is going on center stage.  I have very little control over when the scene changes (or when the curtain closes on a particular experience) but I have ALL of the power over my own character.  I get to pick her mood, what she wears, what thoughts she thinks and definitely everything she says.  I am a freaking heroine in my own play.  I am my own version of Jane Eyre.  I have a very clear idea of what my character looks like.  She is determined, honest, fun, loyal, hard-working, adventurous, easy-going, open to new suggestions, forgiving and in an odd twist, she's calm and collected.  Sometimes she hears what other people are saying about her, but she doesn't really care.  She is true to herself and she does those things that bring her happiness.  Why would such a heroine be doing dishes and vacuuming her house?  Because that's the scene in her life right now.  It doesn't mean she's any less of a leading role in her own play.  She rocks to music while doing dishes and she dances with the vacuum.  Because that's the kind of leading lady I am.

Now here's where it gets tricky.  There are other people in my play.  Thousands of them.  Some have more significant roles than others, but anyone who walks on my stage is valuable and important.  If I am in the grocery line, there are only a couple of people on stage, me and the checker (and sometimes the bagger.)  Their presence is important.  Maybe they only have one line, but it still matters.  And how cool is it that I get to step on their stage for just a minute.  I'm not saying that everywhere I go, I feel like I am performing.  I am not an actor.  I literally am my own heroine.  This is who I am and who I was born to be.

When it comes to the more significant supporting roles in my life, sometimes there is a little conflict.  But I get to decide how I respond to it.  I can freak out and make it a bigger deal than it is, or I can relax and allow it to play out for what it needs to be.  When people come to visit my home, what does it feel like, how do I respond?  Do I become possessive over my things or am I sharing and giving?  I want my character to be selfless and generous, always.  Obviously I do not always write my lines this way, but I am constantly striving to be better.

So let's talk about the main characters of my life play-- my husband and children.  It would be a problem if I expected to write their lines and control their wardrobe and create them into something they are not.  It's truly NOT for me to decide.  These little people that are on my stage, they are their own heroes of their lives.  And even though it seems like they are playing children, they are in fact extremely well-rounded characters and they are aware of who they are (sometimes even more aware than we are as adults.)  When little people step on my stage, I try to pay close attention to what they say and why they are saying it.  Most of the time it's very in tune with what they are feeling.  Often it's hilarious and witty or wise beyond their years.  I try to pay attention and then I hope to respond in a way that builds connection.

Now some of you are saying that you have a child who is playing the villain role.  They come onto your stage and cause havoc and ruin props and light things on fire.  Well, sometimes that really does happen in life and it's up to you to be the hero.  Put the fire out.  Don't try to change who they are, but also do not cast them into the villain role if that's not what they want to be.  Sometimes all they have to do is walk on stage, and then we freak out about everything they touch.  Your lines are important and the way you behave matters.  When a little person steps on stage and dishes out a line-- what is your response?  Are you even listening to what they have to say? or are you checked out?  Be the present, active, intentional hero of your own life.

Sometimes we have scenes that are totally embarrassing... like kids screaming and fighting with each other.  This is not a reflection of you or your character.  The only thing that reflects your character is how you respond to the screaming and fighting.  And you get to decide that.  You can be the referee, you can be the peacemaker or you can go into full-attack mode and fight back.  What do you want for yourself?  Sometimes we have adult people fighting in our lives.  Maybe it's our friends or neighbors or it's siblings or maybe it's a spouse or our in-laws.  We can decide to step in and be the heroine or MAYBE we can decide to step off the stage all together and realize that it's not a scene we want to be a part of.  Sometimes it's better to walk off stage and let them work it out themselves.  But remember that every time you are speaking lines-- every time you are spreading gossip or talking on the telephone or writing an email or communicating, that you've become center stage again.  What you say and do matters and it absolutely has an impact on what comes back to you.

Our future scenes are unknown.  We don't know who or what is coming.  Life throws us curve balls and the only thing that we can control is the way we respond.  Be the hero of your own life-- stop making excuses and start creating something better.  What do you want that life to look like?

I want my life to have lots of adventure and new experiences.  This is one reason I brought a school bus onto my stage.  That bus is not my life-- in fact, in my play, it's just a big paper cut out of a bus that characters in my play get to ride around in once in a while.  My scenery (or the house that I am renting right now) is temporary too.  I never ever want my play to be about the things I collect or hang in my closet.  In fact, I am hoping that most of my backdrops are mountains and painted skies.. I think it would be amazing if every day my character spends her time outside in nature.  I want my life-movie to be full of breathtaking panoramic views.  I want to be hiking, walking, swimming with my kids, watching sunsets, making dinner over a fire and filling my mind with meaningful thoughts and powerful literature.  When I speak, I want to do it with the intent to connect with others, not to condemn or judge or criticize or be bothered.  I have no idea what my future will look like, but I know that I can always beautify it and make it better with my personal contribution.  The only thing I have control over is my own attitude.

Sometimes there are hard moments.  Sometimes we throw fits.  And that's okay too.  Because without lows we would just be two-dimensional, a character that is hard to relate with.  It's okay to get overwhelmed and depressed.  But just make sure that you know that YOU have all of the power to decide how long that depression lasts and how much of your play is dark and sad.  If you are ready to lighten the mood, then get up and find scenery that better represents what you are about.  Put down the tv remote-- is there any heroine out there that watches hours of television everyday?  Not in my story.  Make lists of the kind of experiences you want in your life and imagine it actually happening.  We have more control over our future than we realize.  What we are doing now matters-- it sets our future into motion.  Ask yourself what you want and start creating it, little by little, moment by moment.

Remember that all you have control over is YOUR OWN SCRIPT.  Don't try to write others.  Don't wish you could do a scene over.  It happened for a reason and it's part of the big picture.  If you don't like where you are in life, remember that your story isn't over yet.  You have so much transforming to do-- so many things to look forward to-- so many people to interact with-- so much to change about yourself.  Focus on the good.  Remember that ALL of the bad, every single ounce of it has made you into the HERO that you are becoming.  It's all there for a reason and has taught you some important lessons.  Don't wish it away, don't worry or dwell on past scenes or things that you could have done better.  You did the best with what you knew at the time and now you know better.  Everything that comes your way is here to teach you something.  The people that continue to step on your stage are there for a reason... figure out what role you play in their lives, but remember that you are ALWAYS the leading lady (or man) of your own.