Chronic pain -- the emotional side effects

After writing out my physical side effect I wanted to write about how bizarre my extreme emotions are... and it makes total sense to me..  But when I try to explain it to others (even my doctors and my own mom) it seems like I am contradicting myself.  My husband seems to get it.. but I think he's just seen it day to day and realizes that I am pretty happy and also extremely frustrated and miserable at the same time.

How can someone with chronic pain... (again, I am only speaking about my OWN experience, not everyone with chronic pain and definitely not everyone with Sciatica because our symptoms are very different.) but how can I be in constant pain and feel happy?  I am not sure, really.  I think because I HAD to learn to adapt or else I would completely hate every aspect of my life. The first two weeks I was an absolute mess.  I cried non-stop and didn't know how I would ever cope.  But after two weeks of the same feeling 24 hours a day, never getting any kind of relief not even while sleeping, I didn't WANT to cry anymore.  It wasn't the way I wanted to spend my time.  My body wanted to cry and I still allow it to shed tears, but I can grieve my physical state AND be happy.  Below I give more details that I wasn't able to record because it was just getting too long (plus my kids walked in).  So below is my written version for my journals.

I want to start out my saying that I am in the best emotional shape of my entire life.  Never before have I felt so emotionally stable.  I don't know exactly WHY this is, but my guess is that I started reading emotionally healing books about a year ago and it speaks to me.  Through this process of reading and researching, I decided to become a parenting coach to help parents deal with anger or frustration.  Being a coach has probably helped me more that it's helped my clients because it allows me to practice what I teach.  And it also helps me feel like I am doing something productive.  and something, even if it's just a little, is so much more than nothing.

What I am saying is that I know I am not depressed.  I know what depression feels like.  And I just had a baby, so it would be totally normal for me to feel down or blue.  Months ago, I might describe depression as "staying in bed all day long, not going anywhere or wanting to do anything."  But now I know that is absolutely not true.  I stay in bed most of my days and don't go anywhere, and I feel pretty happy about it. If I had to rate myself on a sliding scale of how depressed I am right now, I would say that I am opposite of depressed.  I am genuinely really proud of myself and the way I am dealing with what life throws my way.  I am going more with the flow now than I ever have and it feels good to be present and accepting of this sucky situation.

Here area  few other bullet points of why I know I am not depressed.. .

• I get so excited thinking about my future, what I want to do, the books I want to read, the places I want to visit.
• My relationship with my husband is maybe the best it's ever been (but I doubt he would agree...)  I mean, we don't agree on very much (opposite personalities and very different approaches to life) but we genuinely love being around each other and we laugh a lot.
• I don't get frustrated or upset with my kids.  I mean, being in bed all day can make a person cranky but I am not cranky.  I feel bonded with my kids and we are close and I feel connected and loving towards each of them, maybe even more so than when I was not a lame mom, and by lame I mean sick.  As if I would think I am a lame mom.  jk, I am totally that too.
• I wake up with a bounce in my step.  I mean, I don't actually bounce or step.  or even get out of bed, but I wake up happy.  I still love the sunrise.  I still meditate in the mornings.  I am doing things that make me feel a ton of hope and optimism. 
• I have NOTHING on my schedule besides doctor appointments.  And nothing on my schedule used to seem so boring but it's not boring to me.  I can read.  I can talk to my kids.  I can take a nap if I feel tired.
• I am getting plenty of vitamin D and that always makes me feel good.  Sometimes when I am in the pool with my kids I will say to myself, "My life is perfect."  And then one of my kids will touch my hurt leg and I will want to scream in pain.  And then I smile at myself because I am so extreme..
• I've missed countless experiences that would normally crush me, but I don't feel crushed.  So many family things, birthday parties, mission farewells, my neices baptism and even my best friend's wedding last month.  I swore I would do whatever it took to make it to that wedding.  When my husband said I was delusional for even trying to go, I realized he was right.  And I actually had a great day with my kids instead of feeling bad about not being there.  This is really the day I knew I wasn't depressed.  
• When I try to complain about something... I literally can't think of anything else to complain about except for my health.  I mean, my list of things to be sad about is one item long. 

Here's where I move from bragging to sounding really scary and pathetic.  But I needed to preface what I am about to say with the fact that I am not insane. The emotional toll of being ill is something that has been beyond what I've ever experienced. Most of it comes when I am really, really tired but nothing I will take my mind off the pain. I would say the majority of the time is in the middle of the night, but not always.  This insanity can hit me hard on a random afternoon  when my body is so uncomfortable it feels like I am going crazy.  I will try to explain what happens at night because i think the most severe situations have been in the middle of the night when I am too tired to read but no one else is awake to talk to.

The emotional side of chronic pain makes you want to kill yourself.  And I don't mean that you rationally have reasoned to take your own life or that you are so depressed that you have nothing to live for.  I mean that your body is so completely exhausted that the only way you can think of a relief is to die.  So not every night, but way more nights that I want to count, I get suicidal thoughts.  I lay there and the pain drives me so batty that all I can think about is taking all of the pills I have and swallowing them with a glass of water.  I know I don't want to kill myself so then I will think of ways to die, but make it not look like a suicide.  Like drowning in my pool somehow or taking something untraceable or even figuring out a way to die DURING surgery and pretend it must have been the doctor's fault. Maybe I can figure out a way to just never wake up...

I realize this sounds scary, and it does scare me, so I will try to snap out of it and think of everything that makes life worth living.  Sometimes it works.  But sometimes, even when I think of my precious children and my sweet baby who NEEDS me to stay alive (obviously, I love all of my kids, but Gabriel is really the only person I am taking care of currently) so I will concentrate so hard on all that I have to live for, but there is a level of pain that is so deep that leaving behind your newborn isn't even a big deal.  Someone can feed Gabe a bottle.  My husband can marry a wife that is more compatible.  My kids are self-sufficient.  Roma wants to do her own hair and dress herself anyway.  Eden is too young to even remember.  My siblings have plenty of other siblings. My parents are so faithful and understanding and they will find peace.  Everyone dies anyway. I mean, it's an unfathomable kind of low.  It's so much deeper and darker and more lonely than I have ever felt in my life.

When I finally get some rest and snap out of these really hard thoughts, I feel a lot of gratitude.  Mostly that I was too exhausted to even get out of bed, let alone carry out any kind of crazy plan.  I know immediately when I wake up that it wasn't coming from a place of my own thinking, it was literally my body talking to itself, it's so sick of being sick.  I don't actually want to remember how dark this actually feels, but I'm pretty sure that I will never, ever, ever judge any person who kills themselves. I only have love and admiration for these people.  So much love.  And so much compassion for their loved ones who cope with the aftermath.  What a tragic mess to clean up.

Life can be extremely hard ...and it's not fair.  Bad things happen all of the time and sometimes there will never be an explanation other than life just sucks.  This is coming from a self-proclaimed optimist who tries to see the understanding in every situation.  Sometimes there is no silver lining and it's all dark rain clouds and you just need to stay in bed until the sun comes out again.  I used to think that dancing in the rain was so much more fun than hiding under the covers, but you know, cuddling up in bed and putting a pillow over your head is actually quite satisfying.

For those of you who are now worried about my well being, I do want you to know that I talk openly about those close to me, especially my husband and health care professionals.  I am not ashamed of it and I am open to all kinds of medication to help.  The doctors who I've talked to said it's completely and normal to have these kinds of thoughts with severe chronic pain.  The thing that has helped me the most is talking to others in physical therapy.  There are basically two things that we've repeated over, "I want to die" and "I want to amputate my leg." Obviously, I don't want anyone to cut off my leg and I don't actually want to die, but those two thoughts ran through my head constantly the day I went to the ER.  And they tend to come up when my pain levels can't be helped with medication or meditation or positive thoughts.

These experiences have changed me.  For the better and for the worse.  It's given me a deeper sense of empathy and compassion and it's made me more grateful. (I had 6 babies without these symptoms, lucky me!)  It's also allowed me to completely separate my PHYSICAL pain with my EMOTIONAL thoughts and well being.  It's so hard to explain, but I can be laying down in a bed or sitting on a chair and be in SO MUCH pain but also have a full on conversation with someone on the phone or in person and they won't even know what my body is feeling.  It's like I am acknowledging the pain, but not letting it control me.  Not because I am super-human or anything, but that I am so used to feeling that I can separate myself from it while also recognizing that it's there.  Okay, there is actually no way to really explain it in words, but what it is has been a total gift to me and I can HATE experiencing it while at the same time realize that it's taught me so much and it's helped me feel alive in a way that I didn't know existed.

This whole post seems like a foreign language.  You know when you write one word and it just doesn't feel like it's a real word it feels like nonsense?  That's how I feel about this entire post.  Oh well, I tried my best.

The end.

also, please don't call my mom or husband or a shrink and tell them you're worried about me.  I actually talk to them in person, so we're all good.  xoxo.    

Chronic pain -- the physical effects

Again, I am going to preface this blog post with saying that this is MY experience.  It may be entirely different for so many others... but this is the long version of my experience.  It's really super long and I only wrote it for my own documentation, but also don't mind sharing if it could help others step into the world of someone experiencing severe pain.  It's only a glimpse, but it may give people a new perspective (or others not feel so alone.)



Five months ago, if you asked me what Sciatica was, I wouldn't have even known it was an actual word.  In fact, I don't think I even knew a sciatic nerve existed.  I mean, I knew I had nerves, but I didn't know the nerves had their own names!  And that one long nerve ran down each of my legs.  Which serves me right, I had never in all of my 37 years thanked my sciatic nerve for working properly, giving my feet and leg feeling and allowing me to walk and run and even sit in a chair with ease.  Today I can tell you that I am truly grateful for my legs.  I am a little more grateful for my left leg than I am my right leg at this moment, but overall, I am just in awe of the human body and how everything (usually) works with ease.  Organs, muscles, bones, nerves, blood it all does it job...  And when something is off balance, our bodies communicate it quickly and with such clarity.

On January 29th I had a beautiful baby boy.  I delivered him all on my own and my body told me EXACTLY what to do when everyone around me was disagreeing.  That single experience will go down as one of the most empowering and exhilarating moments of my motherhood career.  It really was miraculous and yet so natural at the same time. 

Less than 48 hours after giving birth, I noticed that my right foot was asleep for an unusually long time.  Pins and needles were making it uncomfortable to even concentrate.  I told my parents (who were here to see my newborn) that I couldn't get feeling back in my foot and that it hurt to step on.  That night before I went to sleep, I researched what was wrong and found that I probably had some nerve damage.  Actually, I am pretty sure my husband did the research because he is the responsible one in our family. 

I called my OBGYN to explain my symptoms and was told that I needed to see my primary care doctor.  I called an made an appointment, but the earliest I could see her was 3 weeks away.  Other than my tingly foot, I had no other complaints.  I had never had such a great physical post-partum recovery.  No soreness or pain.  I was energetic and feeling like a million bucks. 

Gradually over the following week or two, I became more worried about my foot.  The tingling had moved up to my calf.  My heel and pinky toe was now 100% numb.

On February 19, while walking down the stairs, my right leg gave out and I collapsed.  The pain in my right leg was completely unbearable.  I felt as though I had dipped it in boiling hot oil.  It was literally on fire.  I could not move.  I couldn't even think straight.  I curled up in a ball and tried not to throw up thinking about the pain.  My baby was crying in the bed upstairs and dogs were barking at me below.  Eventually, I was able to text my husband who was in church with our older children.  It was the closest I've ever been to calling 911.  I took a handful of pain medication and sleeping pills to get through the next 24 hours.

On Monday February 20, President's Day, my husband took me to the ER.  I literally couldn't even talk because I was shaking in pain.  I was sobbing uncontrollably and was curled up in fetal position.  Crawling on my hands and stomach to go to the bathroom.  I was given a steroid shot in my butt at the ER which numbed my entire leg (it was already numb on the outside of my leg, but the burning inside was toned down.)  I had several xrays and tests, but that doctor told both my husband and I that he could see nothing wrong or unusual about my spine or nerves.  (later after requesting those xrays and having my surgeon examine them, my L5-S1 disc was herniated at the ER... this would have sped up my referrals and I needed to wait another month to get a second MRI and xrays..)

Throughout the months of March, April, May, and June, I had countless appointments with ANYONE who could help me.  Physical therapists (6 appointments with several pts), chiropractors (5 different offices), massage therapists, energy therapists, acupuncturists, anesthesiologists, pain management centers... I was literally desperate for any kind of opinion.  Medication would put me to sleep, but i didn't find anything that could alleviate the constant burning.  I had learned to walk by slowly dragging my dead leg, firmly planting my foot on the ground and biting through the pain that shot up my leg as I put pressure on it.  It was much better while laying flat, a worse in standing position and almost unbearable in sitting position.  While sitting on the couch or in church pews, or at the kitchen table my leg would feel on fire.  I found that I could stand or walk for about 30-60 minutes a day and sit for about 10 minutes before I needed my leg completely straight and my foot free of pressure.

I've had so many people (health professionals especially) ask me to explain what it feels like and where in my leg I feel it.  It's really hard to explain because it's a sensation I've never felt before.  It's much easier to say where I feel it because it's MY ENTIRE LEG.  From the very tip top of my hip (butt cheek included) all the way down to my toes. When I touch any part of my leg, it doesn't feel like my own leg, yet under my skin I can feel constant pins and needles. And sometimes, out of the blue, it won't just tingle, but it will send an electric shock all the way up my leg (like stepping on a charged lego every time you put your foot down.) It almost feels like a funny bone tingle X100.. and you can't shake it off or make it go away..  from the moment I fell down the stairs, I have yet to get feeling back in any part of my leg.  ((There was ONE MORNING after a steroid injection where I had feeling in my foot, but not my leg.  I woke up feeling my sheets on my toes and I thought I was cured!  I literally was on cloud 9, but the burning feeling was back and just as intense within a few hours.  The other steroid injections I had didn't make any difference, which was a bummer.    

Sometime in April or May, I got feeling back in my big toe and that feeling has been permanent and such a HUGE blessing.  It has allowed me to walk much better because I put most of the pressure on my toe and alleviate my heel, which reduced the electric shock up my nerve every time I stepped.  I also was able to drive safely with my big toe.  Driving was painful and probably dangerous, but I only drove to and from dr visits and was really careful about how fast I was going... I never wanted to have to slam on my breaks because it was too painful.  I literally walked and drove like a Grandma.  

Once i got feeling in my big toe again, I felt a lot more comfortable driving my kids to school.  and feel a little more confident about going out in public.. although my first time out I almost fell over on top of a woman at the gas station.  The whole experience was quite funny because this woman's bra had broken and she was trying to fix it.  Forgetting that I was a cripple, I offered to snap it back together, but when I tried, I lost my balance and almost sent us both to the ground.  I blamed the entire situation on Eden and said my toddler knocked me over instead of telling her that I didn't have feeling in my right leg.  She accepted my apology, but didn't understand why I thought it was all so funny.  I have been a lot more careful in public.  And I am sure to take lots of medicine when I am out for very long.. (I attended a John Mayer concert with Aaron because I didn't want to sell the tickets and I literally packed my entire medicine cabinet in my purse.  The security people at the arena checked my bag and gave me the most judgmental look when they handed it back.  I really think they thought I was a drug dealer.)

After five months of who knows how many appointments, I finally got clearance for surgery.  I really love my surgeon even though he hasn't actually fixed me, yet.  He's just the first doctor who has understood how bad this experience for me.  I cry every time I go to his office. Apparently 80% of patients with sciatica can heal without surgery, but the average recovery time is about 9 months.  I was really hopeful to get through without surgery but after consulting with several doctors, I think the severity of my herniation (blocking two nerves which intensifies the numbness, burning and weakness in my leg) I feel really good about moving forward.  My surgeon told my husband today that I have a herniation the size of a semi-truck (giving it a rating of a 8 out of 10 for those he removes surgically.) I had 4 visits with my surgeon before we could put surgery on the calendar.. I can't even explain the loopholes that I've had to jump through with my insurance company.  I mean Aaron broke his ankle and got surgery the next morning.. Obviously people are more hesitant to cut open your back, but 6 months seems outrageous to me.  Obviously everyone needs to follow protocol and things can't move in lightening speed like I want, but waiting for approvals has been the #1 frustration, but every time I feel frustrated, I remind myself that we have coverage.  I am so grateful for insurance.  I am so so grateful for modern medicine, that I live in this day with MRIs, surgeons who know how to help me, hospitals and sterilization and all that jazz.. so much to be grateful for.  The thousands of dollars we've spent since January on my medical expenses makes me sick to my stomach, but when I see that actual bills before insurance, I am happy we don't have to file for bankruptcy.  My insurance company is a pain in the A, but it's also such a huge blessing.  (Yes, equal gratitude and frustration can exist at the same time.)

I have nightmares that I will have permanent nerve damage.  I stress that I will never get better.  If I had known when this started that my pain level wouldn't get better over months of time, I would have wanted to die, and I don't say that lightly.  When I watch the movie "Me over You" now, I can 100% support euthanasia.  That guy had no children, no spouse.  Of course he wanted to die peacefully and in his own way.  It's such a beautiful way to say goodbye... because for me, there has been nothing more traumatizing to be a full grown adult and be a burden to those around me.  Its so emotionally difficult.  

When my little sister came into town with her three young kids and cared for me while my husband was at scout camp was harder than I thought it would be..  I could hear the tired little kids crying after a long day and I knew that my sister was making dinner and having to bring some up to me because I was in too much pain to leave my bed (and I had literally crawled on my hands and knees to the bathroom) I felt so useless.  It's not an emotional problems, it's a physical thing.. you want so badly to get out of bed and help, but you cannot.  I didn't know what else to do but pay her for her time and I guarantee it wasn't enough money :)  Hopefully I can return the favor to her in the future.  I am so grateful to her, it brings me to tears.

Gratitude has been my saving grace.  It could be a lot worse than it is.  When I talk to others about their chronic pain conditions, I cannot help but sob.  I mean, the ugly kind of sob where you put your hands in your face and or grab a hand towel to soak your tears.  Oh, the amount of tears is ridiculous.  

But it's so nice to connect with others who know what I am going through, but its also hard because I just can't believe how common it is.. so many people in hospitals or sitting in waiting rooms at their doctors offices just in Las Vegas.  I imagine how many around the world and it's overwhelming.  And so many have several issues at the same time, not just nerve pain, but bad knees or aching joints and migraines.  One woman I sat next to has had my same symptoms for more than ten years.  Another woman I talked to (who was probably about my age and I just KNEW she was dealing with sciatica because of how she walking in physical therapy) told me that she has to work 40 hours a week in order to keep her insurance and she's on her feet all day.  When she told me that, tears poured out and I couldn't even get my words out to her.  I CANNOT imagine how she is even coping.  HOW?  Another woman is single and has no one to help her at home.  She grocery shops for herself every single week.  

The grocery store is literally hell on earth to me.  I mean, I guess there could be worse places like the mall or the zoo or Disneyland, but I dread going to the grocery store, even though I really really really miss being able to run in and buy food to make dinner for my family.  My husband and my neighbors have shopped for me for five solid months.  What would I do if I had to park and walk through those isles every single week?  I have been three times (maybe four) and guess what I do when I get in my car after shopping?  I sob at my wheel.  If I have kids with me, I put on my sunglasses and I try to hide my tears that stream down.  I cry because I have been going to the grocery store for years and never ONCE did I realize how healthy I was to walk, put groceries in and out of my cart, load bags and just browse the isles to find what I need.  I know it sounds dramatic, but honestly the little things to be grateful for have helped me the most.  Every day I can find dozens and dozens and dozens of little things to make me grateful and honestly that gratitude fills my entire body with peace and joy.  

Believe it or not, my #1 "little" blessing over the past 4 months is having feeling in my big toe.  This big toe of mine is my best friend.  It allows me to drive, to walk down my stairs without having to crawl.  It allows me to walk without falling over.  It has allowed me to get in and out of my pool everyday this summer (it's actually pretty dangerous to be in water for some reason.  I have literally no sense of balance because of the weight difference.  It really makes no sense why I become a complete puppet without bones in the pool, but it's kind of funny.  I will be sitting on a raft with my baby or with Eden and I am SO off balance that I fall into the water with both of them depending on me, and then I try to step and we all three go under.  Obviously, I need other help out the in pool so we don't all drown.  Yes, I can swim laps and I have tried so many times to see if it gives my leg strength or if it's helping my core (therefore strengthening everything around my back.)  But my right leg is SO numb it's almost like a dead leg.  So swimming takes so much concentration kicking my dead foot that just makes me feel incapable.

Another HUGE blessing is not having any back pain.  I know, I am having back surgery, but I have zero pain in my back.  I am so limber and I can still do amazing yoga poses.  I can't even tell you how many people have told me that yoga or stretching my leg muscles up against the wall will cure my sciatica. I've purchased the $300 "cure sciatica at home" kit with workout videos and stretch bands and belts you put in the doorway to bend your back.  I have done all kinds of cleanses, oil treatments, diet changes and supplements (my favorite really was the 50 tablets of charcoal every day, it was amazing and I am not exaggerating one bit, I want to live off of that stuff.)  I've done steroids and muscle relaxers.  I've purchased lotions to penetrate through the tissues.  Just a few days ago I had the sweetest lady trying to help me say, "I had the exact same issues as you and my surgeon told me that I could either do back surgery or I could do Pilates and I decided Pilates was a much safer route for my body."  I totally believe her and I don't doubt that so many many many solutions have worked for other people.  But I can barely sit on a chair without crying.  If my foot touches anything (and I mean, if my child brushes up against the bottom of my foot by accident) I jump as though someone has just stuck my pinky toe in a light socket.  I know, I sound like the biggest baby ever!  But nerve pain can turn adults into big fat babies.

There are people all over the world with chronic pain who never get better.  They deal with physical torment every hour and have nightmares about it when they go to sleep.  It's a real thing.  They are NOT over-exaggerating or making it up to get attention.  There is nothing worse than feeling like a burden to other people and wondering if you are a hypochondriac. I never want to take my health for granted.  The ability to walk or go down the stairs or step into a swimming pool without being afraid of falling is what I dream about and running around the block right now seems like a full on fantasy.  I just don't want to look back at this time and tell myself that it was all in my head.  I really want to put it all behind me, and at the same time I don't want to forget.

How to help someone with chronic pain

One thing that I DO tell people that I need is fresh fruits and veggies.  I am not saying everyone who is sick needs these, but I can't imagine it wouldn't be appreciated.  I have lots of food that my kids can prepare themselves, but one thing that is always needed is healthy snacks.  Fruit and veggies run out quickly (because I never go to the store.)  And even though it would seem like desserts is what everyone wants, I've found that I actually DON'T want desserts because I don't feel well.  Food is awesome, but crap can be picked up in a drive-thru.  Fresh food is hard to get.  So IF you are heading to the grocery store anyway, and you have a neighbor who is sick, pick up some apples or peaches.  Or ask them if there is something they need that you can grab for them OR buy something that is ALWAYS needed... like toilet paper..  I know that sounds like the most random thing to give someone, but every house needs toilet paper (everybody poops.)

If they can give you a list of what they need, let them pay you for it.  Sometimes you think you are doing them a favor by delivering it and not taking money, but for me, it makes me feel better to pay for my own groceries.  This may be different for others, especially if money is tight then they may really appreciate not having to pay, who knows!  I guess just offer but don't push if they insist one way or another.  Just know they feel awkward not being able to do things for themselves.

One other thing that has been SO extremely helpful, at least for someone in my situation, is lunch.  Dinner with a big family is so helpful, but a lot of times (at least for us) we are in a routine and we know what we like for dinner.  A meal is so great, but returning dishes can be stressful or even throwing away food that your kids wouldn't eat is also hard!  I mean, it's great food, but it's just not typically what your kids want or are used to.  So pizza has been one of the better things people can do.  Because it's always a win and you can throw away the boxes.  But LUNCH is a problem around my house.  Not really for the kids, necessarily, but the times that people have dropped off a deli sandwich for me has been like the best thing ever because I may go without lunch and just wait for dinner.  I'm not telling everyone to bring me lunch.  I'm just saying that if you can't think of anything to do for your friend or neighbor, dropping off something for lunch has been surprisingly the best kind of service.  Or snacks like crackers or hummus or things that aren't hard to prepare.  That stuff gets eaten at my house so quickly.  

Another thing about the whole "you need to pray harder" comment,  What I was really trying to say is that sometimes people need more than your prayers.  And this is really only coming from people you are close to and you CAN do something, anything to help.  For example, my neighbors who live around the corner never tell me they are thinking of me or praying for me.  I bet that they are but they don't tell me that they are.  If they ever did say, "I'm praying for you." I would be like, well, pray less and maybe offer to take my books back to the library more.  I can pray for myself, but what I can't do is run errands like I used to do.

For long distance friends who are looking for a way to help, but don't really know what to do or say...  Something along the lines of, "knowing your situation inspired me to reach out to my neighbor who is going through something similar."  Maybe it's just me, but I would rather inspire someone to DO something than be prayed for.  Is this sounding as bas as I think it is?  I'll stop.  I don't mean "take your prayers and shove them where the sun doesn't shine."  I just mean that when you're sick and you feel like others are pitying you, it can feel worse.  When you can't do anything, for me it's felt a little better to inspire people to do something other than they were doing before, and I kind of assume that everyone is already praying.  Oh my gosh, I seriously need to drop this subject.  Please know I appreciate every good thought and prayer and uplifting quote you send my way... 

Writing is just as weird as video.... Talking about this kind of thing, especially in the middle of it makes me feel ungrateful but it's quite the opposite.  I can't be more grateful for what people have done for me.

dealing with chronic pain

my first attempt at a vlog--  I mean, I do home videos all the time but I've never tried talking about my feelings... so here's vlog number one.

I realize I should have thought this out more, but if you know me, you know I don't think anything out.  I just do and it make a disaster of it while I go... and I will clean up the mess later.  I am not going to edit this video or worry about the fact that my eyes totally seem a little crossed AND my bottom tooth is getting some serious direct sunlight and its shining and making it impossible for me to listen to my words... so there's that.  But who cares, you know.  Its nothing compared to the fact that my leg has been asleep for what seems like 50 years.

I am going to try to do a series of these (much shorter obviously) but this is what I was thinking about today while at church... it may not make sense to any of you, but IF there is one person out there who needs to hear it, I posted it for you.

I welcome comments, questions, criticism, makeup or hair tips.  I probably won't get a professional camera or worry about sound or lighting in the future because my phone is just WAY too convenient.
Also, I changed my YouTube channel and blog address to THAT'S WHAT JANET SAID because I was feeling like a change..

so this blog address is www.thatswhatJanetsaid.blogspot.com from here on out.

Ben and Luke's trip to AZ

Videos - Ben & Luke  - Grandparent Time, 2017, June 9-14, Arizona!  FUN, FUN, FUN!!!

1) 2017.06.09 Ben & Luke arrive Mesa Gateway - Grandfather Stan

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33) 2017.06.11 Luke demonstrating his Rubik Cube skills

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47)  2017.06.13 Flagstaff Extreme Adventure. First course, Green.

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50) 2017.06.13 Flagstaff Extreme Adventure. Luke @ first zip line

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51) 2017.06.13 Flagstaff Extreme Adventure. Ben @ first zip line

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53) 2017.06.13 Flagstaff Extreme Adventure. Ben on swinging disks. Luke coming behind. Can hear Stan's yell as he zip lines.

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54) 2017.06.13 Flagstaff Extreme Adventure. Stan on swinging disks

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58) 2017.06.13 Flagstaff Extreme Adventure. Ben flying higher.

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59) 2017.06.13 Flagstaff Extreme Adventure. Luke following Ben.

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60) 2017.06.13 Flagstaff Extreme Adventure. Stan feeling confident.

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62) 2017.06.13 Flagstaff Extreme Adventure.  Luke & Ben bouncing

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64) 2017.06.13 Flagstaff Extreme Adventure.  Ben & Luke.  Stan and Luke bouncing each other.

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75) 2017.06.13 Flagstaff Extreme Adventure.

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80) 2017.06.13 Flagstaff Extreme Adventure. Stan having fun zip lining.

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