not this cute anymore!Five months ago, if you asked me what Sciatica was, I wouldn't have even known it was an actual word. In fact, I don't think I even knew a sciatic nerve existed. I mean, I knew I had nerves, but I didn't know the nerves had their own names! And that one long nerve ran down each of my legs. Which serves me right, I had never in all of my 37 years thanked my sciatic nerve for working properly, giving my feet and leg feeling and allowing me to walk and run and even sit in a chair with ease. Today I can tell you that I am truly grateful for my legs. I am a little more grateful for my left leg than I am my right leg at this moment, but overall, I am just in awe of the human body and how everything (usually) works with ease. Organs, muscles, bones, nerves, blood it all does it job... And when something is off balance, our bodies communicate it quickly and with such clarity.
On January 29th I had a beautiful baby boy. I delivered him all on my own and my body told me EXACTLY what to do when everyone around me was disagreeing. That single experience will go down as one of the most empowering and exhilarating moments of my motherhood career. It really was miraculous and yet so natural at the same time.
Less than 48 hours after giving birth, I noticed that my right foot was asleep for an unusually long time. Pins and needles were making it uncomfortable to even concentrate. I told my parents (who were here to see my newborn) that I couldn't get feeling back in my foot and that it hurt to step on. That night before I went to sleep, I researched what was wrong and found that I probably had some nerve damage. Actually, I am pretty sure my husband did the research because he is the responsible one in our family.
I called my OBGYN to explain my symptoms and was told that I needed to see my primary care doctor. I called an made an appointment, but the earliest I could see her was 3 weeks away. Other than my tingly foot, I had no other complaints. I had never had such a great physical post-partum recovery. No soreness or pain. I was energetic and feeling like a million bucks.
Gradually over the following week or two, I became more worried about my foot. The tingling had moved up to my calf. My heel and pinky toe was now 100% numb.
On February 19, while walking down the stairs, my right leg gave out and I collapsed. The pain in my right leg was completely unbearable. I felt as though I had dipped it in boiling hot oil. It was literally on fire. I could not move. I couldn't even think straight. I curled up in a ball and tried not to throw up thinking about the pain. My baby was crying in the bed upstairs and dogs were barking at me below. Eventually, I was able to text my husband who was in church with our older children. It was the closest I've ever been to calling 911. I took a handful of pain medication and sleeping pills to get through the next 24 hours.
On Monday February 20, President's Day, my husband took me to the ER. I literally couldn't even talk because I was shaking in pain. I was sobbing uncontrollably and was curled up in fetal position. Crawling on my hands and stomach to go to the bathroom. I was given a steroid shot in my butt at the ER which numbed my entire leg (it was already numb on the outside of my leg, but the burning inside was toned down.) I had several xrays and tests, but that doctor told both my husband and I that he could see nothing wrong or unusual about my spine or nerves. (later after requesting those xrays and having my surgeon examine them, my L5-S1 disc was herniated at the ER... this would have sped up my referrals and I needed to wait another month to get a second MRI and xrays..)
Throughout the months of March, April, May, and June, I had countless appointments with ANYONE who could help me. Physical therapists (6 appointments with several pts), chiropractors (5 different offices), massage therapists, energy therapists, acupuncturists, anesthesiologists, pain management centers... I was literally desperate for any kind of opinion. Medication would put me to sleep, but i didn't find anything that could alleviate the constant burning. I had learned to walk by slowly dragging my dead leg, firmly planting my foot on the ground and biting through the pain that shot up my leg as I put pressure on it. It was much better while laying flat, a worse in standing position and almost unbearable in sitting position. While sitting on the couch or in church pews, or at the kitchen table my leg would feel on fire. I found that I could stand or walk for about 30-60 minutes a day and sit for about 10 minutes before I needed my leg completely straight and my foot free of pressure.
I've had so many people (health professionals especially) ask me to explain what it feels like and where in my leg I feel it. It's really hard to explain because it's a sensation I've never felt before. It's much easier to say where I feel it because it's MY ENTIRE LEG. From the very tip top of my hip (butt cheek included) all the way down to my toes. When I touch any part of my leg, it doesn't feel like my own leg, yet under my skin I can feel constant pins and needles. And sometimes, out of the blue, it won't just tingle, but it will send an electric shock all the way up my leg (like stepping on a charged lego every time you put your foot down.) It almost feels like a funny bone tingle X100.. and you can't shake it off or make it go away.. from the moment I fell down the stairs, I have yet to get feeling back in any part of my leg. ((There was ONE MORNING after a steroid injection where I had feeling in my foot, but not my leg. I woke up feeling my sheets on my toes and I thought I was cured! I literally was on cloud 9, but the burning feeling was back and just as intense within a few hours. The other steroid injections I had didn't make any difference, which was a bummer.
Sometime in April or May, I got feeling back in my big toe and that feeling has been permanent and such a HUGE blessing. It has allowed me to walk much better because I put most of the pressure on my toe and alleviate my heel, which reduced the electric shock up my nerve every time I stepped. I also was able to drive safely with my big toe. Driving was painful and probably dangerous, but I only drove to and from dr visits and was really careful about how fast I was going... I never wanted to have to slam on my breaks because it was too painful. I literally walked and drove like a Grandma.
Once i got feeling in my big toe again, I felt a lot more comfortable driving my kids to school. and feel a little more confident about going out in public.. although my first time out I almost fell over on top of a woman at the gas station. The whole experience was quite funny because this woman's bra had broken and she was trying to fix it. Forgetting that I was a cripple, I offered to snap it back together, but when I tried, I lost my balance and almost sent us both to the ground. I blamed the entire situation on Eden and said my toddler knocked me over instead of telling her that I didn't have feeling in my right leg. She accepted my apology, but didn't understand why I thought it was all so funny. I have been a lot more careful in public. And I am sure to take lots of medicine when I am out for very long.. (I attended a John Mayer concert with Aaron because I didn't want to sell the tickets and I literally packed my entire medicine cabinet in my purse. The security people at the arena checked my bag and gave me the most judgmental look when they handed it back. I really think they thought I was a drug dealer.)
After five months of who knows how many appointments, I finally got clearance for surgery. I really love my surgeon even though he hasn't actually fixed me, yet. He's just the first doctor who has understood how bad this experience for me. I cry every time I go to his office. Apparently 80% of patients with sciatica can heal without surgery, but the average recovery time is about 9 months. I was really hopeful to get through without surgery but after consulting with several doctors, I think the severity of my herniation (blocking two nerves which intensifies the numbness, burning and weakness in my leg) I feel really good about moving forward. My surgeon told my husband today that I have a herniation the size of a semi-truck (giving it a rating of a 8 out of 10 for those he removes surgically.) I had 4 visits with my surgeon before we could put surgery on the calendar.. I can't even explain the loopholes that I've had to jump through with my insurance company. I mean Aaron broke his ankle and got surgery the next morning.. Obviously people are more hesitant to cut open your back, but 6 months seems outrageous to me. Obviously everyone needs to follow protocol and things can't move in lightening speed like I want, but waiting for approvals has been the #1 frustration, but every time I feel frustrated, I remind myself that we have coverage. I am so grateful for insurance. I am so so grateful for modern medicine, that I live in this day with MRIs, surgeons who know how to help me, hospitals and sterilization and all that jazz.. so much to be grateful for. The thousands of dollars we've spent since January on my medical expenses makes me sick to my stomach, but when I see that actual bills before insurance, I am happy we don't have to file for bankruptcy. My insurance company is a pain in the A, but it's also such a huge blessing. (Yes, equal gratitude and frustration can exist at the same time.)
I have nightmares that I will have permanent nerve damage. I stress that I will never get better. If I had known when this started that my pain level wouldn't get better over months of time, I would have wanted to die, and I don't say that lightly. When I watch the movie "Me over You" now, I can 100% support euthanasia. That guy had no children, no spouse. Of course he wanted to die peacefully and in his own way. It's such a beautiful way to say goodbye... because for me, there has been nothing more traumatizing to be a full grown adult and be a burden to those around me. Its so emotionally difficult.
When my little sister came into town with her three young kids and cared for me while my husband was at scout camp was harder than I thought it would be.. I could hear the tired little kids crying after a long day and I knew that my sister was making dinner and having to bring some up to me because I was in too much pain to leave my bed (and I had literally crawled on my hands and knees to the bathroom) I felt so useless. It's not an emotional problems, it's a physical thing.. you want so badly to get out of bed and help, but you cannot. I didn't know what else to do but pay her for her time and I guarantee it wasn't enough money :) Hopefully I can return the favor to her in the future. I am so grateful to her, it brings me to tears.
Gratitude has been my saving grace. It could be a lot worse than it is. When I talk to others about their chronic pain conditions, I cannot help but sob. I mean, the ugly kind of sob where you put your hands in your face and or grab a hand towel to soak your tears. Oh, the amount of tears is ridiculous.
But it's so nice to connect with others who know what I am going through, but its also hard because I just can't believe how common it is.. so many people in hospitals or sitting in waiting rooms at their doctors offices just in Las Vegas. I imagine how many around the world and it's overwhelming. And so many have several issues at the same time, not just nerve pain, but bad knees or aching joints and migraines. One woman I sat next to has had my same symptoms for more than ten years. Another woman I talked to (who was probably about my age and I just KNEW she was dealing with sciatica because of how she walking in physical therapy) told me that she has to work 40 hours a week in order to keep her insurance and she's on her feet all day. When she told me that, tears poured out and I couldn't even get my words out to her. I CANNOT imagine how she is even coping. HOW? Another woman is single and has no one to help her at home. She grocery shops for herself every single week.
The grocery store is literally hell on earth to me. I mean, I guess there could be worse places like the mall or the zoo or Disneyland, but I dread going to the grocery store, even though I really really really miss being able to run in and buy food to make dinner for my family. My husband and my neighbors have shopped for me for five solid months. What would I do if I had to park and walk through those isles every single week? I have been three times (maybe four) and guess what I do when I get in my car after shopping? I sob at my wheel. If I have kids with me, I put on my sunglasses and I try to hide my tears that stream down. I cry because I have been going to the grocery store for years and never ONCE did I realize how healthy I was to walk, put groceries in and out of my cart, load bags and just browse the isles to find what I need. I know it sounds dramatic, but honestly the little things to be grateful for have helped me the most. Every day I can find dozens and dozens and dozens of little things to make me grateful and honestly that gratitude fills my entire body with peace and joy.
Believe it or not, my #1 "little" blessing over the past 4 months is having feeling in my big toe. This big toe of mine is my best friend. It allows me to drive, to walk down my stairs without having to crawl. It allows me to walk without falling over. It has allowed me to get in and out of my pool everyday this summer (it's actually pretty dangerous to be in water for some reason. I have literally no sense of balance because of the weight difference. It really makes no sense why I become a complete puppet without bones in the pool, but it's kind of funny. I will be sitting on a raft with my baby or with Eden and I am SO off balance that I fall into the water with both of them depending on me, and then I try to step and we all three go under. Obviously, I need other help out the in pool so we don't all drown. Yes, I can swim laps and I have tried so many times to see if it gives my leg strength or if it's helping my core (therefore strengthening everything around my back.) But my right leg is SO numb it's almost like a dead leg. So swimming takes so much concentration kicking my dead foot that just makes me feel incapable.
Another HUGE blessing is not having any back pain. I know, I am having back surgery, but I have zero pain in my back. I am so limber and I can still do amazing yoga poses. I can't even tell you how many people have told me that yoga or stretching my leg muscles up against the wall will cure my sciatica. I've purchased the $300 "cure sciatica at home" kit with workout videos and stretch bands and belts you put in the doorway to bend your back. I have done all kinds of cleanses, oil treatments, diet changes and supplements (my favorite really was the 50 tablets of charcoal every day, it was amazing and I am not exaggerating one bit, I want to live off of that stuff.) I've done steroids and muscle relaxers. I've purchased lotions to penetrate through the tissues. Just a few days ago I had the sweetest lady trying to help me say, "I had the exact same issues as you and my surgeon told me that I could either do back surgery or I could do Pilates and I decided Pilates was a much safer route for my body." I totally believe her and I don't doubt that so many many many solutions have worked for other people. But I can barely sit on a chair without crying. If my foot touches anything (and I mean, if my child brushes up against the bottom of my foot by accident) I jump as though someone has just stuck my pinky toe in a light socket. I know, I sound like the biggest baby ever! But nerve pain can turn adults into big fat babies.
There are people all over the world with chronic pain who never get better. They deal with physical torment every hour and have nightmares about it when they go to sleep. It's a real thing. They are NOT over-exaggerating or making it up to get attention. There is nothing worse than feeling like a burden to other people and wondering if you are a hypochondriac. I never want to take my health for granted. The ability to walk or go down the stairs or step into a swimming pool without being afraid of falling is what I dream about and running around the block right now seems like a full on fantasy. I just don't want to look back at this time and tell myself that it was all in my head. I really want to put it all behind me, and at the same time I don't want to forget.
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