Preparing for Gabey Baby.

Ben turned 16 yesterday.  On the late, dark drive home from fireworks, I told the kids about the day Ben was born... all the details I could remember.  After I was finished Simon wanted to hear everyone's story.  And even though I can remember now, I know there are details that will be forgotten unless they are written down.  I think I have only written Simon and Roma's birth stories on this blog.  I need to catch up.  We'll start with Gabe because it was definitely the best.. and the most recent too..  Unfortunately there are zero pictures or video, which is the thing I regret most about his birth.

Gabe was my only pregnancy that went all the way to my due date (and several days passed it.)  The pregnancy was definitely long, but I felt SO GOOD those last few months that I really didn't mind one bit.  When a new baby is about arrive, there is so much to get ready for and looking forward to and I had so much extra energy to do it.  I was waking up early, exercising, getting so much done, not napping and going to sleep feeling so productive and GOOD.  I am at my happiest when I am productive, so I really wasn't rushing the birth.. I was just happy to feel healthy and energetic.  (I was also feeling so grateful that little Eden was alive and wasn't hit by a car weeks before Gabe's birth, and I know that gratitude carried me well passed the due date... I will need to write about that experience as well.  it was miraculous.)

My doctor would have induced me early, but I have never been induced and I just wasn't feeling it.  I was kind of annoyed by the amount of visits and non-stress tests I had to do those last few weeks.. holy cow!  I felt so good, I knew the baby was moving and chilling until the right time and I really had to FIGHT to go into labor naturally.  Not just with my medical team, but with friends and family... everyone just kept telling me what to do and I knew deep down in my bones it was just right to let him come when he was ready.  (We didn't know it was a him, but I was pretty convinced it was a boy.. When Roma was a baby I would look at my four boys and still feel like someone was missing.  It wasn't a girl.  I wanted so badly to have more girls, but I knew there was another boy.  I tried so hard to dismiss it, but after Eden was born I would dream about boy nonstop... it was ridiculous.  Eden was only days old, and I knew I still had a baby boy coming.  I would drive myself crazy wondering what was REAL or made up in my head.  I had countless conversations with other people asking if I HAD to have another or if I could just be done and chalk up my crazy dreams and crazy.  Turns out, he really did want to come.)

Okay, so an induction date was set for Tuesday, January 31st at 5 am.  I was doing everything in my power to go into labor before then.  I didn't count my steps those last two weeks but I was out of control.  I was walking every morning.  Then after my girls woke up we went again while they rode bikes.  We took strollers to the parks and pushed them around.  We picnicked so many afternoons outside because the January weather was so sunny and warm and we wanted to be outside.  On Thursday January 25 we spent the entire day hiking at Red Rock... we went in the morning and didn't come home until 4pm.  I forgot to tell my husband or my mom that I would be in the canyon, so they were both totally freaking out by the end of the day when I wasn't answering their phone calls and texts.  But at the end of the day, I had zero contractions.  On Friday the 26th, my middle boys were out of school and we planned to go hiking again, but once we were dressed and outside we realized it was freezing, so we just went to get donuts and played at the park.  I remember feeling so amazing that day.  I remember showering that morning and putting on my favorite yellow sweater and thinking that if I didn't have a watermelon in my tummy, I wouldn't even feel pregnant. I was killing it emotionally.  We painted when we got home from the park and Aaron came home from working and was laughing (making fun of) our huge mess.  Of course I got out the paints and canvases at 9 months preggo.. there was nothing else to do.  I can't remember what we did that night, but I am pretty sure I was cleaning my house or organizing something.

Saturday January 28th I had a stake RS conference.  I woke up with energy, got showered and picked out a cute outfit and I was having no contractions or any sign of labor.  (( This is probably TMI, but with every other pregnancy I would have tons of labor signs at least a week before I went into labor.  Not just hard contractions, but having discharge, etc.  With every single other baby I lost my mucus plug at least two or three days before my water broke.  I was having NONE of that with Gabe.  Seriously, I didn't even feel pregnant.  I knew he would come, but this experience was totally new to me.))  So I went to the ENTIRE women's conference and enjoyed every single lesson and talk.  They were about organization and family relationships.  But my favorite by far was on Gratitude. I could totally elaborate on this, but I think it needs it's own post.  After the conference I took all of the kids hiking because the weather was beautiful again and I still wanted to process some feelings that had come up that day, and out in the canyon seemed like the best place to figure out what I was feeling.  

One of my friends asked me that day if I was READY for the baby to come.  And I really internalized the question... wondering why I had stayed pregnant for so long.  And I had a full on conversation with my baby that day.  Not sure if I can put it into words, but I will try.  

I am the kind of person that either tolerates situations or I dive in, so excited about every aspect of it.  Unfortunately I can't hide how I feel so people know exactly if I want something to happen or if I am just going through the motions.  So with the baby... I had accepted the fact that a baby was coming.  And I had EVERYTHING ready.  And I even was prepared to do my part physically.  But emotionally I was not there.  I mean, I felt great and I was so excited for my kids to experience another baby, but I really hadn't welcomed this baby into our home yet, emotionally.  From my perspective, the baby didn't feel welcome yet because I was just reacting to the situation, not getting excited myself.  I could feel that the baby felt like he was intruding a little.  Does that even make sense?  It made perfect sense to me that Saturday while I sat in the conference and I had a real conversation with him as I said, no, I am not just willing to have you, I am totally excited.  We want you.  So come whenever you want, we are counting down the minutes.  I could feel that he could feel my sincerity.  And maybe it wouldn't have been sincere until that day, I am not sure.  I just know that it really did take me a full 9 months to get excited about another baby.  I mean I LOVE babies, but I also know how much they can change your life.  Little did I know how MUCH Gabe would change my life.  He's five months old and my life looks NOTHING like it did before he came.  

I feel like I need to start a new post for his actual delivery.  This is just too long and random.  New post coming.....