post back surgery

Hey!  I just recorded a video about my back surgery and tried to put it on youtube.  It's uploading, but it says it won't be finished for 167 hours.  We'll see if that ever happens.  And while I'm sitting in bed and not feeling tired (and not working on a family book project) I thought I should write up a few things about my experience.

I went into surgery completely educated, knowing what could possibly go wrong.  I was willing to take any chances because I didn't know what else I could do.  Since the moment my sciatic nerve was pinched in February, I have very little (to no) improvement in my nerve pain.  My numbness has gotten a little better, but really only in my big toe.  If I had seen gradual improvement or more feeling in my foot, I would have put off surgery longer.  The average recovery time for a pinched nerve is 9 months.  I had been through 6 months of constant tingling and pain and didn't want to do three more (or another 6) so we scheduled surgery.

I was at the hospital the day before for several hours.  They did a bunch of blood work and ran another EKG.  I went home feeling good, even excited for the next day.  I really wasn't expecting all of my pain to go immediately, but I had heard enough stories of people who came out of surgery pain free, so I was hopeful.  I wasn't able to sleep a wink the night before.  I was in a lot of pain (and I was excited) so sleep didn't happen.  Heading to the hospital the next morning, I had the thought that my pain level was at an all time high.  Sitting in the car or on a hard chair has been the worst position for me..  Standing is a little better, but I've spent about 23 hours a day lying in a bed. The thought of being able to walk or sit without pain was so exciting to me!

Everything seemed smooth at the hospital.  My surgeon came in energetic at 6 am.  He told me that an emergency had come up that morning and he tried to get himself out of it so he didn't have to make me wait any longer.  Two anesthesiologists were present along with a neuro-therapist.  My nurses were the last two people I saw before being put out and the first two voices I heard while waking up.

After surgery, but before I was able to open my eyes, I thought my body was on fire.  I remember everything pitch black, I was unable to move or speak or see.  I could hear the voices around me, but the only thing I could concentrate on was my body screaming at me.  I was out of control on the inside, but literally couldn't move or scream.  My nurses said that I had streams of tears coming down both cheeks before I opened my eyes.  I totally believe that.  It seemed like I was screaming in pain for about ten minutes before I was able to talk, but I highly doubt is was that long.  All I know is that my brain was working and I was trying to talk my body out of being so mad at me.  This is going to sound terrible, but the only thing I possibly compare the situation to (and this has never happened to me before, so please forgive me if it's nothing like it.) But it felt like I had been given a date rape drug and while I was out, someone violated my body in a major way, set me of fire and then left me alone.  It was traumatizing..  The first question they asked me after so woke up was my pain level 1-10 and I said FOURTEEN. (Right before Gabe was born someone asked my pain level and I told them a 5.  I would still agree with both of those levels now.. Having a baby is nothing like being on fire from the inside.)

Obviously I had lots of drugs in my system.. So much that I couldn't move and I could barely talk.  But in my experience, pain killers have not been able to calm down my nerves.  So while I was sobbing, they kept trying to give me more stuff.   I don't actually remember most of what was going on because I was focusing so much on breathing.  But I do remember laughing really hard because there was a woman next to me behind a curtain who kept telling me to stop crying.  "Stop crying, Friend.  Please don't cry anymore."  Aaron was pretty sure it was a little boy (and there was no possible way.) So we made a bet and Aaron stood on a chair and peek over the curtain.  It was a middle aged woman.  I only have memories of this because I filmed it.  I was laughing so hard and simultaneously crying, so recording it seemed like the right thing to do.

I had an empty stomach and after two or three hours of sobbing (and feeling no relief) They finally decided to wheel me upstairs and get me situated in a room so I could get some food.  Aaron told me later that there was some kind of mix-up and they took me to three different rooms, finally to go back to the place we started.  All I remember is that when they started to move me, I had to throw up.. but I didn't have anything in my stomach, so I was dry-heaving.  And then they spun my bed around in circles and it was impossible to not scream.  I asked them to leave me alone and stop spinning my bed around.  The cute nurse (a guy) was so kind and apologized several times.  I felt bad that I was his patient that day.

Once we got into a real room, I tried standing up.  I really shouldn't have, but I thought I was on fire, and I needed to move around.  The first thing I did was rip off all of my clothes.  Aaron wasn't laughing at the time, but now that we think back and remember, it's funny.  I went into the bathroom to throw up in the toilet, and then I saw the shower. I felt like I was burning to death so a cold shower sounded heavenly, but Aaron said no way.   I asked if I could lay down naked on the bathroom floor and Aaron said no.  I was tied to an IV pole, I had no clothes on and I had a huge incision and bandage on my back.  Aaron coaxed me to get back in bed and kept trying to cover me with a sheet or my hospital robe, but I kept tearing them off.  Every time a nurse or doctor came in, I am sure they thought I was a crazy person.

I don't really think I was talking.  I don't talk much when I am in labor (unless someone asked me a questions directly.)  There were many times when I asked Aaron to tell everyone how I was feeling.  Can't they see I am in too much pain to converse?!  When the attending doctor came in and asked how I was doing, apparently I asked him how I could die.  All I wanted to do was die.  Aaron said that the doctor scribbled notes and turned to the nurses to put me on suicide watch.  That's kind of funny now, thinking about Aaron watching the whole thing play down.  A new doctor (the nurses later told us he was brand spanking new) and a naked wife who wants to die.  At some point I asked Aaron what he was going to do with me.  He smiled and said, "If you don't shape up soon, I am sending back home and your parents can take care of you."  That made me laugh out loud.  I know Aaron was stressed, but he seemed to know what to say to me, and for that I am so grateful.

My temperature was normal, but I felt like I was burning up.  So we turned the AC in my room to the coldest possible temp.  Everyone was freezing but me.  My cute friend came to sleep with me in the hospital that night and she had a few blankets.  I remember sleeping that night and wanting to lay down on the tile.  Stop, drop and roll.  I was dying for a cold shower too, but I don't think it would have made a difference.  My nerves were overreacting and not much could calm them down.

The night was rough.  I was delusional.  I didn't take any sleeping meds because most of that will affect Gabe and I am nursing.  So I woke up a lot.  I was SO SO grateful to have my friend Evalyn with me.  She stayed up most of the night and kept asking me questions.  Talking really seemed to get my mind off of things.  Around 3 am she fell asleep and I remember staring at the ceiling, wondering what could have possibly gone wrong.  That night, once my nerves had settled down a little, I noticed my left arm was burning and numb, a lot like my leg, but not as intense.  I didn't think too much of it at the time because honestly my entire body was hurting.  Funny enough, the back incision has never actually hurt me.  I haven't noticed or needed any pain meds for it.  I think if my nerve pain was less occupying, my back would hurt more.

I am two weeks and two days post surgery.  My nerve pain is back to where it was before I went into the hospital.  Super annoying, but now I know it can be worse, so I am grateful I can manage it.  My arm has never had feeling in it since I came home.  My hand and fingers are okay, but my elbow up to my armpit are killing.  It hurts to touch, but at least I don't have to put weight on it.  My leg is so much more of a problem.

I saw my surgeon last week.  We had lots of follow up tests and my spine looks good.  There is really no reason I still have constant nerve pain.  I talked to my doctor about my arm and he doesn't believe me.  I mean, he's a back surgeon and he did his job, but it feels like that visit was the end of the road for us.  I made an appointment with a neurologist and we'll see what they say.  My surgeon wants me to give the recovery a full 6 weeks and see if there are any changes.  Of course I will.  What else can I do but hope for improvement?

Since being home I've tried some emotional/energy work to see if this was happening for some other reason than physical.  I didn't really feel like it was something I needed before surgery, but the trauma at the hospital and not feeling any better made me feel like it was worth doing.  I found an energy worker who is certified in the Body Code.  I also made a video about my experience, but I really cannot believe that this stuff is for real.  I mean, I do think it can help you through emotional issues, but I don't see how it can really help when youre sick with a physical problem.  I was really hoping she would sense that I had a virus (I had just started reading about EBV and it made a lot of sense to me!)  But most of what she said was hard to relate to.  The oddest part was when she went through emotions that were passed on through generations.  She felt that I had an evil spirit (who was related to me) who has been haunting me.  She said the words that came to her were "I won't leave you alone."  Hmm.  She tried casting this spirit out and said I should feel better.  I hung up the phone trying to be open, but the more I thought about it, the more it sounds like voodoo.  I really hope I dont have an evil Grandpa haunting me.  If so, the conversation I have with him after I die won't be pretty.
I've had a lot of bizarre experiences over the past 6 months and I've met some really, really interesting people.  Most of the time I leave the doctors office and cry the rest of the day.  It's emotional spending all day talking to someone who can't help you.  I hate getting babysitters or leaving my kids at home and the worst is I have to sit in the waiting room.  Instructions after surgery were to limit sitting time to 30 minutes a day.  Okay, well don't make me wait for 90 minutes in your office, then.  But the time in the waiting room is also special.  I get to talk to so many people who have similar issues.  Most of these people are white-haired and wrinkled, but I really related to them and feel bad they have to deal with this.  I feel bad for myself too, that I am so young, but usually I cry because I am grateful that I don't have other issues and that my family is so supportive.

That's all for now.  My kids keep trying to talk to me.  I will try to post the videos if they ever download.  I really wish I could find someone out there who was going through a similar situation.  I really tried to be prepared for surgery, but I am not sure how you prepare for that.  I think I have done pretty well processing it afterward.  I can look back and laugh at it and feel really grateful that its behind me.  If I could go back in time, I can't imagine not getting surgery, so I kind of feel like it's meant to be.  I plan to be a therapist someday and if ever anyone says they want to die or they are in so much pain they can't handle it anymore, I know exactly how that feels.  Hopefully I will know how to help them.

 Aaron took a TON of pictures at the hospital.  I was so annoyed at him (he never takes photos, ever!)  But now I think it's hilarious and I am glad I have them.  They are on his computer, so I will have to add them later.

Until next time.  Happy weekend.