Tuesday Tell All-- Mother's day

experiences as a first time mom

I thought BEN was the cutest newborn ever.. and he was. He had the most beautiful little face and a TON of black hair. At the time, I thought that every mother thought that all their babies were this cute.. but I realized when Luke and Zack were born that Ben really was the best looking baby ever! He was born on the Fourth of July and it was such a surprise to us all because he was two weeks early! Outside the hospital there were tons of hot air balloons and festivities going on and it was such a celebration. He was born in Provo and it was awesome to look out the window that evening to see fireworks going off at the Stadium of Fire. It was also a party in our hospital room because everyone had the day off... so they all came to see the new baby.. Our door was literally revolving with visitors (I believe somewhere around 50+) Every year since then has also been a huge celebration and we are so grateful for our little firecracker!

When LUKE was born, it was a much different experience and I realized at the time that each new child changes who you are and the dynamics of your family. Luke was born without any desire to attract attention to himself and he was the sweetest thing ever! His delivery was CAKE (2 hours.. the hardest part of the whole ordeal was getting the IV in my arm.) Luke has been such a joy... just easy to be around. I look back at those pictures in the hospital of Aaron and I with our two LITTLE boys and I think "WE WERE CRAZY!" I had two babies under two, was working 30+ hours a week and was still attending BYU.. in the middle of a semester! Somehow we got through and Luke was definitely meant to come at that time. Luke and I have had an emotional connection since the beginning. He had to stay two days extra in the hospital and that was really hard for me. But instead of taking it easy and getting rest, I drove to the hospital every three hours to feed him. Those quiet moments in the mother's lounge are precious to me.. I remember saying out loud to his little 6 lb body that it doesn't matter what, I would do anything for him. He is my lover boy-- he came out wanting to be close to me. I can remember Luke as a tiny newborn, looking at me and saying (without any words, obviously) "I know you're busy and trying to do a lot, so I will just lay here and not make a sound." It is such a blessing to be Luke's mom!

Now ZACK... where do I begin with this kid. I believe I've grown most as a mother and as a person through my experiences with Zack. My pregnancy was a difficult one and I felt really unstable when he was born. I was living far away from family, Aaron was in school and I was so lonely. I was very comfortable being a mother of two and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to be the same mom with a newborn. I also had no one to watch Ben and Luke when I went to the hospital. My mom was planning on flying out to Spokane (and did after he came) but because he was born three weeks early, I didn't have her there for the delivery. I am not a shy person and was very vocal about not having anyone to watch my kids.. but it was just one of those situations.. where no one seemed available to help. When my water broke, I called 5 different families in our ward to see if I could drop off my kids, and not one was "available." I was so emotional. My only resort was a friend who had Muscular Dystrophy.. She is in a wheel chair and needs help caring for herself. She took the day off work and INSISTED on watching the kids. I told her that Luke would need his diaper changed and she told me she would call a neighbor to help when she needed it. I cannot tell you how much this meant to me. I still get emotional just thinking about it. I packed the kids up with crayons, activities, and food that would be easy for her to open and dropped them off. She was my angel and I still feel indebted to her. This is Mindy and the boys.. they totally had a crush on her!

Aaron and I went to the hospital and the delivery was my most difficult. 10 hours after arriving, Aaron went home to check on the boys (and relieve Mindy because she had already done so much!) As soon as he went to get them, Zack was ready to come. I called him to tell him that he was going to miss the delivery (which by that time, I didn't really care.) But it was nothing short of a miracle.. he rushed to the hospital with the kids in tow and made it in time. My doctor and his staff were awesome and set up the room so the kids could be a part of the delivery. They each had a chair next to my head and didn't see anything except newborn Zack. It was an incredible experience. Zack changed our family.. from the second he arrived. Our boys were big helpers right away. The nurses had them help weigh him and clean him. They allowed us to be a family for about 5 hours before taking the baby out. It was so neat. We didn't have any hospital visitors.. it was just us-- and that was special in it's own way.

It took me forever to recover from Zack's delivery. I didn't lose a single pound until he was about 6 months old. I really struggled physically and emotionally.. I really didn't like where we were living. It definitely wasn't the people.. because they were all awesome. It was just something I needed to experience at that time in my life. I had to really lean on Heavenly Father for support and comfort because I felt SO alone. I know Aaron had to deal with a lot (he was busy in school, clerking at a law firm and was serving as Elder's Quorum Pres in our ward) so I didn't feel like I had anyone-- except for my kids. I didn't get a single meal brought to my home after Zack was born.. not one. My visiting teacher offered to bring dinner and I was SO happy to have someone acknowledge that I had a baby! We waited for her to bring it by.. and she never came. My kids were hungry and I was so emotional. Of course, she felt terrible for forgetting and called the next day (and was such a sweetheart about it..) but it was just one of those moments-- an experience that I will never forget. That night, I spent the evening in bed with my three boys, all of them cuddled up on my pillow-- and I felt so much peace.. I was so grateful to have them in my life. They were (and of course.. still are) such a blessing to me.

Sorry to write an essay.. I wasn't exactly planning on getting so personal. But these are the moments of MOTHERHOOD that I cherish. As a little girl, I honestly thought I was going to change the world. I was going to do something--- write books and influence people and do something that made me famous. I always wanted to be a mom, but I was so against getting married and settling down because--how can your run for President of the United States when you have a family? How grateful I am that somewhere along the way, the light bulb went on.. and I realized that becoming a mother IS making a BIG difference in the world.

Being a mom is so humbling and has made me grow so much as a person. It's exhausting, frustrating, emotionally draining, and such a trial! Kids are SO much work!! But that's exactly why it's so rewarding. We sacrifice a lot for our little ones.. changing diapers, 3 am feedings, nursing, not to mention the pregnancy itself and the ever changing hormones! but it's definitely worth it. I believe the reason why we love our children so much is because we do so much for them. I didn't ever realize that I could LOVE this much! My heart has grown three sizes.. at least!

There are little things that happen every day that make motherhood so rewarding. Most of them can't really be explained, only felt. But I will attempt to write one down so I don't forget. Last week, it was early in the morning and I had just come in from exercising.. I was sitting on the couch and I saw someone sneaking down the stairs. I heard the movements getting slower and slower and eventually I saw two little feet on the bottom step.. Luke peaked his big brown eyes around the corner, and when he saw me, his whole face lit up. He ran towards me for one of his famous "run hugs" and I squeezed him as tight as I could.. I want him to stay this way forever!! I can't stand him growing anymore! Pretty soon, he's not going to find it exciting to give me a "run hug" and I am really going to miss it! That might not mean anything to anyone else, but it does to me. These are the big payoffs.. the little things that are priceless to me.

ps. I forgot to mention this-- Mindy not only watched my kids (and wouldn't take no for an answer) but she had us over for dinner when Zack was 10 days old.. So, I can't say that I didn't get a meal!! When we were at her house, both Aaron and I cried when we told them how much they meant to us.. and Aaron hardly ever cries! We really love them!!