not this cute anymore!
Around 4 am, I was thinking how funny it is that expecting mothers document how big our tummies get during pregnancy, but then we completely avoid pictures of our bodies after the baby is born. How awesome would it be if I took a full-length profile shot of my post-pregnancy self every week? I am pretty sure my tummy is just as big... In fact, I wonder if there's another baby inside.
At 5:30 am, after maybe an hour of sleep, Simon and I were up again. During my short nap, I had a disturbing dream. Aaron was murdered and I was devastated when I found his body. But then, this strange person came up to me and told me I could relive the day over-- and I had a chance to save him and find the murder. So, while the police where at the crime scene, I was doing my own detective work. The officers found this really fishy and now suspected ME as the murderer. They booked me and took me in for questioning but the whole time I just kept saying that I needed to get back so I could save Aaron. Obviously, they thought I was crazy. I woke up in a cold sweat, relieved to know that I was dreaming, but still feeling just as psycho. Will I ever feel normal again?
I am having REAL nightmares about our upcoming ward Christmas party.. just a week away. I am sure it will turn out fine, but this party will take the cake for flying by the seat of my pants. I don't think I can expect the same kind of gusto out of myself. It's been so long that I can't even remember who I used to be. In fact, I keep telling myself to just SURVIVE the next few months. The house, homeschooling, church responsibilities can all go on the back burner. I just need to SURVIVE. After a few months, I can re-evaluate and set a NEW kind of normal. This motherhood thing ain't for wimps, that's for sure.
Now off to take a nap. Happy weekend!
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3 comments:
Man those post-partum hormones are ridiculous aren't they! Take it easy! You're the mom of 4 now and it's going to take some time to adjust. You'll get back to being yourself soon...and if you don't...Don't be afraid to speak up and tell someone that you need some help--baby blues aren't just about feeling depressed. :) AFTER the holidays and craziness is over, I'd love to come and visit and see that sweet Simon.
you are so hilarious!
the dream really does sound disturbing. good luck with the party!
~Sharon
When I was up all hours of the night with colicky Jakey, I would have some wacko dreams when I'd finally get a little sleep. I truly felt crazy. I remember having a dream that Kam was laying on top of little Jake. I jumped awake and shoved Kam, so he'd get off the baby. Jake was asleep in his crib. Your right about motherhood not being for wimps.
I remember Mom Redder telling me with each baby to give myself two months to find a new normal.
Good luck. You are amazing, even if you feel a little psycho at times.
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