marital conflict

I pride myself in being real. it's the best thing I have going for me. If you talk to me in person, I will try to dish it out like it is. I share personal information-- often times too much-- and the last thing I ever want to paint is a perfect picture. I realize I post "real" parenting posts and I feel better writing after a particularly hard day, but 99.9% of what I write about my marriage is positive.

 99.9% of my marriage is not positive. I stay away from anything negative because this blog is a subject of conflict in my marriage to begin with, even when I document the best things about our relationship. I also believe you should keep marital conflicts within the marriage. I don't call my mom when I am having issues in my marriage (she'll take his side anyway) but I have some good friends, sisters included that I can talk to for advice. I make sure the people I talk to about my struggles are women who love and support my marriage. I also believe that complaining too much leads to more negativity and I try to avoid that.

 However, the past couple of days I've received a couple of emails from women who do not know me personally. Both were touching emails and as much as I appreciated them, I also found myself feeling unsettled, not sure how to answer back. I just finished emailing them back privately, but I also wanted to address the subject here, just in case there were other people comparing their own marriages to other relationships they read about on the internet, or see on television shows or even observe in person from afar. Comparing is one of the most destructive things you can do to yourself and your relationships! When you compare, you are weighing your worst moments with others best and the outcome will be detrimental.  Avoid comparing at all costs... it will mess you up!

With that said, I want to tell you that NO MARRIAGE is easy.  Mine is far from perfect and just because I don't hang our dirty laundry to dry on this blog doesn't mean we don't have issues.  We've been married 12 years and our disagreements are as confusing and as frustrating as the day we met.  We are learning as we grow, but as soon as we think we have something figured out, another outside stress will come along that throws us off balance (or another child will be born.)  While I will not assume our struggles are the same as anyone elses, I will testify that we have them and they are hard.  Our communication styles could not be more different.  They almost kept us from getting married and are still the #1 source of our conflict.  We have to work really hard at understanding each other.  Many times there is not a middle ground, so one of us has to settle.  And at the end of the long disagreement, we have to agree to disagree and put our family and relationship before the topic we are arguing about.

I am not going to give marital advice because every relationship is so different, but I will say that assuming other people have perfect spouses/marriages/lives is so damaging and painful.  If a certain blog or television show or friend is making you feel like you don't have enough, stop reading the blog, watching that show or hanging out with that friend.  Seek professional counselors that can help you talk through your frustrations.. therapy should be more popular!!!  And remember that the more you focus on the negative, the more negative your life will seem.  There will always be someone who has more or seems happier, but they are probably looking at you and feeling the same way.

Keep the faith, seek out a therapist, confide in people who love you and make you feel whole and never (ever) assume that someone has it better than you do.  Does anyone have anything to add?

I may or may not type up some of my most frustrating marriage moments and share them on this blog.  It will be good for my posterity, dontcha think?