words matter

Hi.  I want to start out tonight by stating that I believe everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have.  Raising children can be exhausting and hard and emotionally draining.  I hope this post (or my previous posts on parenting) doesn't come across as condescending or judgmental because I know what it's like to be down in the trenches.  But I also believe there is a lot of room for improvement and I am fighting for all kids everywhere.  They need and deserve better.  Tonight I am going to touch on the power of words... not just what we say to our children but what we think about them.  Words are so powerful that sometimes we don't even have to say them out loud for our message to be heard.  You can walk into a room and automatically KNOW how someone feels about you.

Let's start out with a clear picture of your child... the one you struggle with the most.  The one that gets on your nerves and pushes all your buttons.  Picture their darling face in your mind.

Now let's imagine that this child has a teacher at school or at church who says mean things to them.  This teacher tells your child that they are lazy, messy, moody, disrespectful, selfish, too shy, too loud, greedy, a follower, unmotivated. Imagine that this teacher said right to your child's face that they think she is a brat or that he cannot be trusted.  What would you DO if you actually heard this responsible adult say these words to your child... "What is wrong with you?" or "Stop being so annoying." or even "Please, go somewhere else.  I can't concentrate when you're around me."

Would you report this teacher to the principal?  Would you withdraw your child from the class?  Of course you would because those words are NOT acceptable in a classroom.  How can your child learn when their teacher doesn't like them or respect them?  How can your child possibly thrive when they feel like a loser, just by being themselves.  Unfortunately, some children have experienced this in a real way and have had teachers or grandparents or aunts or uncles or neighbors that don't like them.  My heart goes out to any child or parent who has been through this experience.

Now, let's talk about our role as a parent.  We are THE MOST IMPORTANT adult in our child's life.  What we say and think about them matters.  Our words are powerful.  Are we saying negative things to our precious children?  Are we telling them they are lazy?  Are we saying, right to their faces that we don't like their outfit or their hair or their dirty face?  Are we telling them they need to shower because they stink?  Do we tell them their room is messy and that they are a slob?  Do they feel that we are annoyed by them, just because they happen to be in the same room as us?  If so, let's change our words.

Words will build or destroy your child's self esteem.  Your voice plays out in their mind.  It becomes what they think of themselves.  Put yourself in their shoes and listen to your words.  Would you want someone controlling you or telling you how to do everything?  Sometimes when we give constructive criticism, all they actually hear is that they are doing things WRONG.. and that can be crushing for kids.  They want so badly to please us, even if they won't admit it.  They want to know that are important and valued.  They need to know that it's natural to make mistakes and it's always okay to be who they are.  Do not try to fix them.  Just love and encourage them and appreciate who they are.

There are very simple ways we can show our children they are accepted and welcome and wanted in our homes.  It doesn't take a lot of praise, it takes connection.  You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.  You can look at them and smile.  You can laugh at their jokes that make no sense.  You can listen to their story.  You can hold their hand or sit by them on the couch.  You can tell them how happy you are to be THEIR parent and explain why.  You can admire them for what they teach you, even if you feel those lessons are hard.  You can write them a letter or make them a special meal or take them out on a date.  You can go on a walk.  You can apologize for the mean things you've said in the past.  You can notice them when they walk in a room and bite your tongue when you want to give them instructions on what to do.  You can STOP correcting their behavior and just watch them move the quirky way they do.  You can tell them how amazing they are.  Tell them they are safe when you are around and that you have their back, no matter what.  Show them this by your example.  Stick up for them.  Be their cheerleader.

Words matter.  Watch what you say and what you think about your children.  When you start appreciating them for who they are and not for who you wish they were, they will want to be around you and want to connect with you.  All they want is to feel love and acceptance by you.

salt and pepper

I've wanted to do an update on each of my kids... and today I'm going to lump my two opposite boys together, only to annoy them.  Luke and Zack are different as different can be.  So many people are surprised when they learn these two are brothers because they look nothing alike.  They could not be more opposite in looks and in personality.  Luke is our resident introvert.  He is calm, collected, steady, organized, mature, composed.  Zack is extremely extroverted.  He's energetic, spastic, emotional, excited and chatty.  Luke is so much like his dad and Zack's personality is a lot like mine.  They hardly ever see eye-to-eye and don't mix well, like oil and water.  This makes us laugh because Aaron and I are so different for all the same reasons.  But there is so much beauty in their unique and individual personalities.

There could be more struggles in this relationship, if we saw them as struggles.  These boys absolutely could fight if a situation gets escalated.  There can be tension between them because they are so different.  Zack gets overly excited about everything and is naturally unorganized.  Luke knows where all things are at all times because his mind is quiet and he is aware.  He likes to play tricks on everyone in the house and sit back and watch others respond emotionally to the turmoil he's created. Zack becomes an easy target because he gives the biggest and most emotional response.

There are annoyances about each of these boys and the way they push each other's buttons, but those annoyances are also their strengths.  Luke's sense of humor is wildly hilarious, in a very quiet way and I never want to make him feel like he can't express himself.  It's not okay for him to hide Zack's things and watch him freak out when he can't find it (something that happens often) but it's also something they will laugh about later and it's good for Zack to learn life lessons about controlling his emotions when he can't find something.  I never want Zack to feel like he needs to stay composed or keep his emotions bottled up, just to keep the peace.  They are young and NOW is the time for them to freak out, if they need to.  We learn lessons together everyday and I want them to each feel free to express themselves in the way that they chose.  If that means Luke needs to prank people, we allow him to and laugh at his sense of humor.  If Zack needs to have melt downs and slam the doors, that's okay too.  After he calms down, we all have opportunities to talk about it and learn from each other.  That's what growing up is all about. 

A mistake that I made for years with Zack is ignoring him in his emotionally unstable state.  For a long time I would allow him to throw a tantrum, crawl into bed and fall asleep if he needed to.  I would not coddle or talk him out of it because I never wanted him to feel like I approved of that behavior, but it wasn't getting better.  His tantrums would become more frequent because no one was acknowledging his need to express himself.  Now, I see that I was wrong to ignore him when he needs me.  It's hard for me to "baby" him and talk him through his problems because I don't like to baby.  But I've seen that he responds better when I give him the one-on-one time to talk through his tantrum.  Sometimes he won't talk back, so I have to go down, lay by him and talk to him about how strong he is and give him the confidence to see that he's in control of his own attitude.  This works much better for us and even though it's not what I prefer, but I appreciate what he's taught me about connection.  It's not about how I want to parent, it's about what each child needs.  They are little geniuses about expressing themselves and usually when they are whining, complaining or sulking, they need a little more attention and love.  This is what Zack has taught me and I am so grateful for being emotionally aware.

Luke is my bud.  Sometimes I want to slug him for being so sly, but that's only because I'm jealous.  I admire his ability to be comfortable in his own skin.  He doesn't need approval from anyone, ever.  Lately he's been dressing weird.  I really don't usually worry about what the kids are wearing, but Luke can embarrass me in public (and that's saying a lot.)  He has these colorful girly checkered shorts that are too short and tight for him.  He likes them because they are odd and I have to bite my tongue when we go out.  Instead of telling him to change his clothes, I ask him if he's comfortable wearing it (and explain where we are going and sometimes maybe why he shouldn't feel comfortable :) but IF he replies that he's comfortable, I let it go.  He's a teenager and if this is one way he chooses to express himself, I am okay with that.  Today Luke's wearing the shorts I dislike, so I got them on video...

And about Simon's opera singing.  Simon picked up a new "hobby" about a month ago and we're all hoping it ends soon.  He sings opera all day.  While at the dinner table, he will sing when he needs food passed to him.  It's so annoying.  But it's a phase and I don't want him to shut down his love for opera just because we can't stand it.  The other day, I could feel my skin crawl with him singing and I wanted to tell him to SHUT.UP.  But I didn't.  Instead I imagined how sad I would be if he wasn't around.  I closed my eyes and pictured him dead.  and then I was flooded with gratitude for him and ALL of the sounds he was making.  He makes SO much noise and it can drive me crazy, but he's so much fun.  He says the most hilarious, amazing, confident things and I want him to continue to express himself the way he feels most comfortable.  Unfortunately (for us) he's chosen to sing in a high-pitched woman's voice.  There will come a day when I will miss that sound, so I am going to enjoy it while I can.   

Discipline-Free Parenting

I believe in raising responsible, happy children without discipline.  I parent without discipline and I teach others they can do the same, with amazing results.  It's not a laissez-faire parenting style that lets your kids run wild and behave however they want.  It's a very hands-on, fun, engaged approach where both you and your child behave without threatening, raising your voice, punishments or superiority.  I believe in communication and connection.  I believe in allowing your best person to show, all of the time.  Sometimes kids don't know how to be the best version of themselves and so as parents, we show them by our examples.  If we yell or fight or scream, we teach them that it's acceptable to behave poorly whenever they feel like it.  Parents don't realize they are the root of the problem and kids are misbehaving because they are responding to the negative energy they feel.  This energy can be changed.  We can flip our magnet from negative (which kids will repel and avoid) to positive (where kids listen, behave and want to obey!)  It's extremely powerful and exciting.

I don't believe in discipline because it doesn't work!  It might give you temporary results for a limited time, but it doesn't produce lasting positive behavior.  I don't believe discipline connects and unites.  If we punish in a way that keeps our children from being able to voice their opinion or feel comfortable coming to us with their point of view, then we pollute our relationship with negativity.  I don't believe you can raise responsible kids by forcing them to obey.

I believe in optimism, affection, synergy, teamwork, cohesiveness, listening with intent, and in finding solutions that produce real results.  I believe in building each other up, and I don't think discipline and punishment build anything valuable or worthwhile.  I don't think screaming or spanking or freaking out makes ANYONE feel good... not the parent or the child and I believe in creating as many opportunities that allow you to feel comfortable and validated.  Feeling welcome and needed in your own home is the most important gift we can give our children.  Communicating with real intent builds stronger relationships, deeper connections and it works!  It builds confidence in both individuals and in relationships.

I don't think it's hard for parents to stop yelling.  If you want to change, it will take about 2-3 weeks to stop.  Can you imagine a world where you ask your child to do something nicely and they happily obey?  Can you imagine your home without contention or frustration?  It can happen and it's easier than you think.  The reason why I believe it's easy is because it feels GOOD to connect with others.  It feels so much better than yelling.  It's actually quite simple when you have the right tools to stop and you'll see the difference in your children.  I stopped the bad habit of yelling and freaking out at my kids about eight years ago, on THIS DAY.  I have had very little negative interaction with my children since that experience and my house is full of busy, crazy kids.  Why did I stop so quickly? Because I felt the POWER of optimistic parenting and I want more experiences with my kids where we work together, laugh, overcome problems, create, make memories and grow as people together under the same house.  It feels SO good to see your kids for who they are and treat them with respect.  As we encourage them to be more like they are, they will stop annoying us and start behaving in ways that foster connection because they trust that they are safe around us.  If you have a strained connection in your life (with a child, spouse, family member or friend) and you don't know how to stop putting negative energy into that relationship, I'd love to help you realize how easy it is to cleanse it and start healing.  I am a parenting coach and I am really good at what I do.  Email me at janetleeshumway@gmail.com or text me at 702-485-0028. 

Xoxo.

The Wisdom of Dr Shefali

Writing this from my phone, hoping I can copy and paste quotes I love.. 

A good place to start reading (or watching videos) is the amazing Dr Shefali Tsabary. I absolutely love and agree with everything she says.. Her books are so on point and hit the chore of optimistic, authentic parenting.

Here are a few quotes to ponder on--

Our children come running to us seeking solace and comfort. They want to be heard, understood, accepted and supported. To do this would mean we would need to be present, attuned, engaged and receptive – to them. Unfortunately however, when our children come to us seeking our engagement, instead of attuning to them and their needs, we attune to our own. - Dr. Shefali Tsabary

        Once you accept your children’s basic nature, you can contour your style to meet their temperament. To do so means letting go of your fantasies of yourself as a certain kind of parent and instead evolving into the parent you need to be for the particular child in front of you.

Shefali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children

       To enter into a state of pure connection with your child, you can achieve this by setting aside any sense of superiority.

Shefali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent

When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini me,” but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. For this reason, it’s important to separate who you are from who each of your children is. Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs. The Conscious Parent

       Only when we are responsive to the moment instead of driven by our agenda can we meet our children where they need to be met. When we connect effectively, there’s no drama. We deal with issues for what they are. This maintains the connection that’s the foundation of a child’s healthy development.

Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

       When your child sees you are genuinely interested in interacting with him and not just looking for a way to change him, he’ll begin to open up. But let me warn you, it will take time. You’ll have to build trust one brick at a time. To do this, you can’t let his rejection of you trigger you. See it as part of the process. It will help if you stay in touch with the fact he’s only showing you how he has felt for many years.” Children aren’t naturally closed off. On the contrary, they are open and willing to share themselves as long as it feels safe to do so. Children want us to see their inherent goodness, regardless of their external behavior at a particular moment. They delight in assurance their misbehavior won’t faze us. To accept them unconditionally is what it means to witness our children.

Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

       Because children are essentially good, when we see a child hit, it ought to evoke in us an empathic response such as, “What pain they must be in to feel the need to hit.

Shefali Tsabary, Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... and What Will

When our children frustrate us to the point of no return or behave in an absolutely unconscionable manner our first reaction is to take things very personally. We yell, scream, curse and control. We dominate, punish, threaten and intimidate. We do everything in our power to get our children to toe the line and come under our influence. This is our first mistake: We get our egos involved and take things to an extremely personal place. Once we are activated on this level, it is extremely hard to act with reason and balance.

Instead, we need to realize: Our children are going to mess up whether we like it or not. This is not necessarily a reflection of our ability to parent as much as it is the fact that our children are human and therefore susceptible to major faux pas. Most importantly, their behaviors are a call to us to parent them differently. In essence, their behaviors are a call for us to step off our pedestals of egoic dominance and instead, enter into a state of soulful education.

Containing our children has never been the problem. It is our emotionality that has. Our egos get hooked and we lose our ability to educate for the sake of education. We begin to project all sorts of emotions onto our children that were not theirs to bear, but instead ours to process and heal. It is here that we muddy the waters. If we were able to stay unemotional and simply teach our children the right way to behave, without drama, then we would have mastered the ability to contain our children the conscious way.

 -Dr Shefali Tsabary

optimistic parenting

A month ago I went to an amazing 3-day seminar in Provo called Limitless.  My husband was working long hours at the office that week and I was at the seminar from 8am-9pm.  I was unsure about leaving the kids, but I felt like it was important for me to go and invest in myself.  So I went, trusting that the kids could take care of themselves and still have productive days without me around.  At the end of each night, when I would sneak in around bedtime, I was amazed at what I found.  I returned to a clean house, dinner made and dishes done, happy kids, homework turned in, toys put away, floors swept and mopped... Aaron and I joked around that the kids were better when I was away than when I was home.  At the end of each day, I felt even better about leaving them and by day three I realized something pretty profound.  I wasn't just "blessed" with good kids.  The way that I raise them and the optimism they feel from me has transformed our home.  While at Limitless, I learned about affirmations and goal setting and positive thinking.  There are so many areas of my life that I need to improve, but raising my children is NOT one of those areas.  I've been applying some amazing tools to parenting since the day my kids came into the world and it shows in the way they behave.  On that day, a month ago, I decided I need to coach other parents/moms who feel overwhelmed with their children's behavior.  I've always wanted to write a book about it and I've started.  But I want and need to start coaching now because moms everywhere are going to bed feeling like failures and I can help them!  I can help you!  I've got some awesome clients and I've loved every minute of our sessions so far, with feedback that it's working (which is not surprising, because my tools are practical and fun!)

This coming Monday, March 28th, I am officially launching my coaching sessions and I'm super, super excited about it.  If you want more details, text me!  702-485-0028.  Or shoot me an email at janetleeshumway@gmail.com.  I will be doing classes, videos and personal phone calls to coach you through some of your rough parenting patches.. chores, bedtime and dinner routines, learning, travel, play time, adventure and most of all staying relaxed in a stressful situation.  I am confident I can give you the tools you need to raise confident, happy kids and create order and peace in your home.

Tonight I wanted to give you a quick update on each child, but I've decided to do one child at a time because they are all so unique and shouldn't be clumped together.  If it sounds like I am bragging, its because I want you to picture your success stories.  Your children have such potential to become responsible, fun, helpful people.. When they are encouraged and not lectured or punished.. Tonight I'm going to tell you about Benjamin.

BEN- 14.5 years old.  

How handsome is he?

 Ben is an amazing teenager.  He's a diligent scout, a dedicated teacher in his church quorum and an enthusiastic student.  He's halfway through his high school curriculum.  He works hard in school.  The week before Christmas, he got a box in the mail and he squealed.  He opened a 700 page American History book and he literally could.not.wait to crack it open.  Within 3 weeks, he had read every single page in the book and written papers about what he'd learned.  The History book's thick spine is broken and ripped because he wore it out.  He loved it so much and it shows all over the book!  He's aggressive about learning and I am inspired by him.  This week, his new Biology text book is in the mail... and he's checking everyday to see when it arrives (even though we have a tracking number...)  He's so cute about learning and it makes me more anxious to apply myself in my own educational goals.

this sign totally reminds me of my Ben.

When it comes to helping around the house, Ben is almost perfect.  He gets his jobs done quickly and efficiently.  Last week he came into my bedroom after seminary, so somewhere around 7 am.  He said that he unloaded the dishwasher and then realized his job wasn't dishes.  So then he went down to the laundry room and started a fresh load and then forgot that his job for rotation was actually the Dog and garbage.  He was laughing about it like "Man, I wish I could remember what job was mine."  I thanked him for all the help and then reassured him that his brothers would be happy about his forgetfulness.

this is a sight I often see and it warms my heart.  I love that they are cuddled up in the girls bed.

He's so sweet to read to the younger ones and has particularly taken Simon as his apprentice.  Simon idolizes him in every way and gladly will scrub toilets along side of him.  Ben is the BEST example to all of us.  One of the things I love most about Ben is that when I run errands without him, whether it's to the grocery store or to take the little ones to the library or wherever, when I arrive home and open the garage, Ben stops whatever he is doing and comes outside before I get out of the car.  He is there waiting to see how he can help.  It blows me away every time.  He will ask to carry in a sleeping baby or unload the heavy groceries or grab the mail for me if my hands are full.  He is a dream child and although I've always said he was "born that way" I now realize that it's more than luck.

More on the other kids in the following posts.. Stay tuned! Xoxo.