words matter

Hi.  I want to start out tonight by stating that I believe everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have.  Raising children can be exhausting and hard and emotionally draining.  I hope this post (or my previous posts on parenting) doesn't come across as condescending or judgmental because I know what it's like to be down in the trenches.  But I also believe there is a lot of room for improvement and I am fighting for all kids everywhere.  They need and deserve better.  Tonight I am going to touch on the power of words... not just what we say to our children but what we think about them.  Words are so powerful that sometimes we don't even have to say them out loud for our message to be heard.  You can walk into a room and automatically KNOW how someone feels about you.

Let's start out with a clear picture of your child... the one you struggle with the most.  The one that gets on your nerves and pushes all your buttons.  Picture their darling face in your mind.

Now let's imagine that this child has a teacher at school or at church who says mean things to them.  This teacher tells your child that they are lazy, messy, moody, disrespectful, selfish, too shy, too loud, greedy, a follower, unmotivated. Imagine that this teacher said right to your child's face that they think she is a brat or that he cannot be trusted.  What would you DO if you actually heard this responsible adult say these words to your child... "What is wrong with you?" or "Stop being so annoying." or even "Please, go somewhere else.  I can't concentrate when you're around me."

Would you report this teacher to the principal?  Would you withdraw your child from the class?  Of course you would because those words are NOT acceptable in a classroom.  How can your child learn when their teacher doesn't like them or respect them?  How can your child possibly thrive when they feel like a loser, just by being themselves.  Unfortunately, some children have experienced this in a real way and have had teachers or grandparents or aunts or uncles or neighbors that don't like them.  My heart goes out to any child or parent who has been through this experience.

Now, let's talk about our role as a parent.  We are THE MOST IMPORTANT adult in our child's life.  What we say and think about them matters.  Our words are powerful.  Are we saying negative things to our precious children?  Are we telling them they are lazy?  Are we saying, right to their faces that we don't like their outfit or their hair or their dirty face?  Are we telling them they need to shower because they stink?  Do we tell them their room is messy and that they are a slob?  Do they feel that we are annoyed by them, just because they happen to be in the same room as us?  If so, let's change our words.

Words will build or destroy your child's self esteem.  Your voice plays out in their mind.  It becomes what they think of themselves.  Put yourself in their shoes and listen to your words.  Would you want someone controlling you or telling you how to do everything?  Sometimes when we give constructive criticism, all they actually hear is that they are doing things WRONG.. and that can be crushing for kids.  They want so badly to please us, even if they won't admit it.  They want to know that are important and valued.  They need to know that it's natural to make mistakes and it's always okay to be who they are.  Do not try to fix them.  Just love and encourage them and appreciate who they are.

There are very simple ways we can show our children they are accepted and welcome and wanted in our homes.  It doesn't take a lot of praise, it takes connection.  You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.  You can look at them and smile.  You can laugh at their jokes that make no sense.  You can listen to their story.  You can hold their hand or sit by them on the couch.  You can tell them how happy you are to be THEIR parent and explain why.  You can admire them for what they teach you, even if you feel those lessons are hard.  You can write them a letter or make them a special meal or take them out on a date.  You can go on a walk.  You can apologize for the mean things you've said in the past.  You can notice them when they walk in a room and bite your tongue when you want to give them instructions on what to do.  You can STOP correcting their behavior and just watch them move the quirky way they do.  You can tell them how amazing they are.  Tell them they are safe when you are around and that you have their back, no matter what.  Show them this by your example.  Stick up for them.  Be their cheerleader.

Words matter.  Watch what you say and what you think about your children.  When you start appreciating them for who they are and not for who you wish they were, they will want to be around you and want to connect with you.  All they want is to feel love and acceptance by you.