rewards and punishments

I've had the same question asked over and over this past week, so I want to write up a quick post on the blog today.  It's a continuation of the discipline-free post and addresses rewards and punishments.

I still don't believe in discipline.  I don't think it works.  But I highly believe in consequences, just not the kind that parents give.  Consequences are the natural result of an action or situation, it's not something you can create for bad behavior.  But so many times parents create a made-up rewards or punishment system instead of allowing the child to feel the consequences of their choices.  And the real life lessons come from a real situation (not one that the parent creates.)  So my advice for this is to evaluate why you feel the need to discipline and ask yourself, if in fact, you are creating a punishment instead.  Punishment is a tough word for parents to admit to, but IF you're grounding, or giving more chores, or no dessert, or a "consequence" for a bad behavior, 9 times out of 10, its a punishment.  If your child were to get that result or lesson without you being there to enforce it, then it's a natural consequence for their action and it's a lesson they need and must learn before they leave the house.

So many times parents will punish to teach a lesson, but then shield their children from the actual consequences of what they need to learn.  I think its one of the hardest things for us to do as parents, watch our children learn a tough lesson, so we step in and try to rescue.  When instead, if we allowed the natural consequences to occur, our children will learn much quicker and will be more responsible and accountable to themselves.  And ultimately, that's what we want.  We don't really want them to "obey" or "follow the rules" we want them to develop real skills in the real world and to make tough choices because they have the confidence and experience.  So, if you feel like you are stepping in and rescuing, ask if you're in fact shielding them from an important life lesson.  If they forget their homework or coat, let them get the bad grade or be cold at recess.. they will remember next time! If they don't sell enough for a fund-raiser, let them work it out with their coach and be accountable.  If they spill, don't scold them, just hand them a towel and help them clean it up.  These are NOT punishments but life lessons with consequences that teach them powerful lessons.  As parents, its our job to get out of the way and stand behind the child.  Be there for them when they need us, but not to interfere with what life is naturally teaching them.  (obviously, there are a few times when you need to step in and that's when their life is in danger...)

So often, when a child is misbehaving, what they need is more attention and more love.  They are smart little people who are asking for you to notice them and listen to them.  So my advice is to lean into the "bad" behavior and find out what the child needs, face it head on and get in tune with what's happening.  Don't freak out, quiet down and pay attention.  The solution is always in connection.  So many times when I explain this to parents they say, "But I don't want to reward the bad behavior." My response is this: If you don't want to reward a bad behavior then ignore the behavior,. stop focusing on the behavior.. And start focusing on the child-- paying attention to them, look at their face.  Attention is never a reward.  You cannot spoil your child too much by listening to them.  You cannot get to a point where you are too in-tune with their needs.  Solutions come with connection, with finding the root of the problem and watering it.  You are not rewarding bad behavior, you are rewarding the child.  You are acknowledging them and rewarding them for being alive, for being in your family.  Do I believe in rewards?  Yes, I absolutely do, but not usually the kind a child has to "earn".  Rewards come naturally for good behavior too.  Those are also called consequences..  And you want your children to feel good for behaving well.  But it will be hard for them to behave well if they feel invisible.  

So, when a child is freaking out or making messes or just being an ultimate brat, give them more attention, find ways to connect with this child in a way that is meaningful to them. (This works for adults too!) Do not try to correct their bad behavior with a conversation or a scolding.  Bad behavior comes from a place of emptiness and insecurity.  So fill them up-- with good food or a date night away from the house or by building a puzzle together or just by cuddling up on their bed.  Let them vent, let them cry, let them be themselves and don't give suggestions or advice.  Just listen and be there for them.

We don't need to step up rules or charts or stickers or create consequences.  All we really need to do it get more in tune.  Remain calm and pay more attention to what is going on.  Children respond so well to authenticity.  They know when you are trying to control and when you are just there to watch and encourage.  Stop focusing on their behavior and start focusing on the people.  Avoid shielding them from natural consequences of their choices. Earn respect through connection.  As you respect your child and understand their feelings are valid and important, they will start listening to your advice and be able to develop respect for you.  If respect isn't there, it's probably because it's not mutual.  

Being a parent is the toughest job, but sometimes we make it more complicated than it needs to be.  Connection is easy when we stop freaking out.  Its so rewarding to have fun together and to listen and to discuss.  If you don't know what your child needs, pay more attention to what they are saying, they will usually tell you.  They are smart, amazing little people who are so aware of what's going on.  They are giving you what you're asking for!  So stop asking for bad behavior and start connecting. 

You can contact me at janetleeshumway@gmail.com if you have a situation you can't figure out.  I will be happy to help you find a solution!  Xoxo.