Free as a bird

I had a fascinating dream last night.  I usually wake up remembering my dreams from the night before and often find them interesting or odd or scary or insightful.  But this dream is kind of a favorite.  I woke up feeling so good.  High as a kite, free as a bird.

My dream started with an announcement, a loud speaker hunger-games-style announcement from God himself.  Although it was more like the mayor in our Giver-type community. The community was typical, although most of my family, loved ones and friends lived on the same street and we were all chatting about this new, huge announcement... "EVERYONE MUST FIND A NEW SPOUSE.  Pack up your suitcases, meet in the street and find a new partner.  Changes happen officially in three days when you will be assigned your new homes."

The first couple I met with after hearing the announcement was my parents.  They were annoyed and my dad was NOT going to find a new wife.  His wife is basically perfect and he said no way, no how was he going to find someone else.  If Mom needed to find someone else, that was okay by him, but he wasn't going to move.  Typical.  My mom was optimistically packing up her things, saying things like, "What's best is best and I will do what I'm told!  Everything happens for a reason.  I don't even care who I end up with because it will all work out!"  This made me laugh... at both of them.  I helped my parents divide a few things and my dad was sitting in his chair trying to figure out a way to marry his dog... she was curled up on his lap and we were all sure he would get his way because he's not bothering anyone by breaking the rules.  And he and his dog are a match made in heaven.  They are totally MFEO.

Next I saw Aaron's parents.  They were both dividing and packing up their things, unsure about if they would stay in the same community.  Aaron's mom gave me special instructions that Aaron's Dad could not marry someone younger than a certain age (although we were all kind of the same age, anyway) and I wished her the best of luck with her new choice.  I was pretty anxious to meet our new sets of parents and widen our family circle.  My kids were in my dream as adults, but I don't remember seeing them or talking to them about their spouses.. they were just regular friends and people on my street, searching for a new soulmate.

Next I went to a few friends houses on our street and everything was in disarray.  Fights and screaming and jealousy and "don't you dare pick so-n-so" and lots of tears.  I tried my best to help them and calm them, but most of all I was anxious to get home and talk to Aaron.  I think I went through about ten houses before I finally got to my own.

When I walked into my bedroom, it was white and bright and Aaron was sitting on the edge of our bed, folding clothes and dividing our items.  He gave me a big smile and motioned for me to sit down next to him.  I was so happy to see him and felt no sadness or frustration.  Only gratitude and love for this man.  I sat down and we linked arms (cheesy Saturday's warrior style) and proceeded to talk about how we felt when the announcement was given.  Both of us stated that it was unexpected, but that life throws curveballs.  We talked about which direction we would head in and if there were any plans as to where we wanted to live or any ideas about who we would chose for our next partner.  I gave him suggestions and he gave me some.  We asked each other about people of the opposite sex, casual acquaintances.  I remember saying about one friend, "You would be so good for her. She would be so fortunate."  We laughed about the fact that no matter who I find, he's in for a rude awakening.  I secretly hoped that everyone would be matched up and that I would be able to fly solo, but I didn't think that was a possibility.  After talking, we stood up and hugged, like best friends with benefits hug.. and promised to check back in a few hours to see if we could work out a way to remarry and live next door to each other.  That would be best case scenario to still be connected, despite the new rules.

The rest of the dream was kind of crazy.. I was interviewed by several women about Aaron.  What it's like to live with him, how he is with children, his cleanliness habits and hygiene levels.  If he works hard, if he has a temper, when he goes to sleep, how much television he watches, his bank account, his religious preferences, how he treats me under pressure. And throughout the process I could only say the best things. It was a whirlwind of interviews and I found myself not looking for a mate for myself, but spending all my time trying to find the most perfect wife for him, a woman who would understand what a prize she was getting.  In so many instances I found someone that was similar to me, but she still wasn't good enough.  I wanted him to be able to take it up a notch, to UPGRADE in all the areas where I lacked.  There was literally not a trace of sadness or jealousy or stress.. it was all an exciting game to connect and strengthen our community by matching up the best partners possible.

I woke up before either of us found spouses or reconnected.  I remember the last view of my dream, was scanning the crowd of women, hoping to find an angel of a bride for Aaron because that's what he deserved.  And deep down, I kind of felt like he was doing the same for me... or that I would end up with someone else who would be equally as amazing, if that was even possible.  But my hopes were high when I woke up.  I laid there for a while facing the open windows, with morning sunlight streaming in.  Then I turned to Aaron and watched him for a little while.  His handsome face sleeping so peacefully.  I feel this deep gratitude for the last 16 years we've spent together.

When Aaron stirred, I cuddled up to him and told him a little about my dream.  He kind of hates hearing about my dreams especially when they have anything to do with our marriage, so I was smiling thinking about this bizarre story.  I want to share, but I try not to give him details because he's not interested in the details.  So, I didn't say much, but basically stated that I was interviewing other women to make sure his next wife good enough for him to marry.  He laughed and said that he if was to tell any other man about me--- and warn them about what's it's like to be married to me he would say this (not quoting directly, but this is what I can remember.."She's supportive and always happy, except when she's not and then you're in trouble.  She  loves everyone (with the exception of a few) and she will love them so deeply, you won't always feel on top of her list, and somehow you will be okay with that.  She is crazy for babies of all shapes and sizes..  She will take you on an adventure of a lifetime, whether you want to go or not, so don't bother dragging your feet.  And if you're up for it, it wouldn't take any convincing to get her to move into a nudist colony. And she will always laugh at your really dumb jokes."

Why did this feel like such a good dream instead of a nightmare?  I don't know... that's what makes me want to record it and analyze it.  I feel like it made me grateful because we are in such a good place in our marriage.  We are both completely free to do what we want and we continue to choose each other.  I guess we've always been making the choice to stay together, but at the beginning it was out of the sheer excitement (honeymoon stage) and then we were in survival mode while raising little ones and going through school and busy church callings.  We had to bury our wants and went on autopilot for a while.  Now we are in a new stage, and I don't even know what it is, but it feels like the beginning of something.  Maybe these first 16 years we were digging a foundation and making sure it was safe and stable. Now we are starting to build a structure that we can both live in with our own uniqueness and beauty and strengths. but neither of us are defined by it or shackled to it.  We are there because we want to be.  It's an honor to work with him as a spouse and partner and parent.  I get to observe the way he is and admire from afar, but that doesn't mean I have to surrender who I am or what I want out of life.  It is a compromise, but not in the way of giving up-- at least that's not how I see it. It's more of a trade-in for something more valuable.

We are discovering more about ourselves and we are holding up boundaries as individuals that the other person has to respect and admire, but not agree with.  And as we discover more about ourselves, we are more able and willing to accept the other person (and all people, because it applies to everyone we meet) so its a real sense of freedom to know that others can be themselves with zero judgment attached.  Being free to do what you see as important and valuable without having to worry about what others think is a magical feeling..

I literally get excited thinking about connection with others.  For me, heaven feels like meeting someone (or a hundred others at once) and being able to connect on such a deep, intimate level that you automatically see their power and strengths with very little effort.  The love I feel for my husband is deep, but it's NOT tied to myself in any way. He is not mine.  He is himself.  And I am not his, but I chose to sleep in the same bed with him because he allows me to be myself... naked, spiritually, emotionally, physically-- exposing your flaws and insecurities.  This is the kind of connection I assume happens in a nudist colony, (although everyone tries to tell me otherwise.) There has got to be a place where we can take off our labels and our titles and our agendas and leave our phones in the dust.  Where is this place, I want to find it!  What would we be without our schedules and clothes and judgments and insecurities.. we would be as free as birds.  Free to soar and roam and fly and come back home if we feel like it and not worry about what anyone else is doing.

Last month I read a biography on Harriet Tubman who changed thousands of lives with the Underground Railroad.  She was married to a good man who loved her.  He wanted nothing to do with the Underground Railroad and Harriet could not even discuss this matter with the man she was married to.  When it was time for her to escape-- she didn't even tell him  She couldn't say goodbye because he would have talked her into staying.  Reading this was powerful.  Was he mad when he woke up and his wife was gone?  Probably.  But it serves him right.  He should have been more willing and open and supportive and because he wasn't, he got no goodbye.  Harriet absolutely did the right thing in fleeing and following her heart.  Had she been killed that very day, it still would have been the right thing to do.  I imagine the two of them up in heaven.. that reunion.  Guaranteed she wasn't apologizing for freeing and saving lives.  And he probably wasn't either.  Something tells me that made up quite nicely and understand that they each needed to do what they needed to do.

I am not saying I am going to run away from my life. (I had a fear of commitment as a teenager and wasn't sure if I could get married and have kids because I liked to change things up constantly.)  I've come to this beautiful understanding that I can be free as a wife and a mother, completely myself.  I am a bird, but Aaron doesn't have to be.  We can respect and admire each other because of our differences, not despite them.  That is true love, if you ask me.

to the amazing women in my life

so many gushy thoughts going through my mind today on mothers day.  I feel so grateful for the women who have set strong, courageous examples for me.

My mother-- Beverly Ann.  Optimistic, kind, forgiving, repentant, always serving and encouraging.  Naturally beautiful.

Aaron's mother-- Brandy Lee.  Outgoing, adventurous, party-thrower & entertainer, friend to everyone- especially the lonely, gift giver, tender-hearted.  You are truly a gift in my life.

Sisters 
Annette-- crafty, intuitive, strong, nonjudgmental, holistic, always reading and learning, wears her heart on her sleeve, visionary.
Lori-- well-rounded, smart, helpful, capable, giving, collected under pressure, creative.
Kristy-- playful, laid-back, work horse, great conversationalist, leader, can take on anything.
Debbie-- bubbly, straight-forward, insightful, steady, funky, energetic, clean, helpful, sensitive, loyal.
Amy-- party-animal, dance machine, easy to laugh with, people-person, faithful, steady, strong.
Katie-- firecracker, confident, always knows how she feels, direct, no-nonsense, organized, happy.
Rachel-- practically perfect in every way, knowledgeable, talented, capable, outdoorsy, athletic.
Jen-- sincere, musical, patient, thoughtful, structured, selfless, such a sweetheart.
Cindy-- soft, opinionated, aware of herself, sensitive to others and her environment, dedicated, pretty.

Shum Sistas
Bronmin-- wise, artistic, poetic, tender, spiritual, the older sister to look up to and admire.
Kt-- defender, honest, fun-loving, giving, great listener, best laugh, fantastic mother, well read.
Cody-- authentic, babalicious, marches to the beat of her own drum, amazing, adaptable, soul sister.
Jade-- strong, the real deal, non-dramatic, says it like it is, faithful, stalwart, beautiful.

Friends
Karlin-- the most courageous mom I know.  Though she is little, she is fierce.  She will do whatever it takes to give her kids a healthy childhood.  I am amazed by her strength.
Francine-- so inspired by her ability to do everything well.  She is well rounded and thorough.  She doesn't let anything get her down, not even cancer.  I love Cini.  She is my best friend rock.
Hillary-- so giving and selfless and completely family-oriented.  This girl has been dying to be a mama for so long and I cannot wait for her to meet her baby boy in a few weeks.  She is a supermom and wife.  She will give the shirt off her back to someone in need.
Azy-- makes motherhood look easy with her four babies in five years.  She plays such a great supportive role to her hardworking husband and she's not a complainer.  She is also a total babe.
Val-- real.  spunky.  hilarious. Val is always there to offer comedic relief and a shot of reality to any situation.  She is a great listener and advice giver.  Always a good time with Val.
Phyleen-- is like a breath of fresh air.  She is also one of the most naturally beautiful moms.  She is so genuine and easy.  She is such a caregiver.  She also has an adorable laugh.
Suzanne-- is a powerhouse.  She is so strong and so capable, yet at the same time so tender and soft and in touch with emotions and what everyone needs.  Suz is a sounding board.
Lisa-- intuitive, stalwart, supportive, faithful.  She makes it easy to talk and vent-- while offering great insight and advice.  Conversation is easy and natural.. an instant friend.
Jane-- literally the best neighbor anyone could ever ask for.  She brings me delicious food when I am the most hungry. picks up my kids for the afternoon, encourages me to get outside and be adventurous.  She is always doing something artistic with her kids and I love being around her.

To my Grandma June-- for your sweet beauty and for finding the simple joys in life.  marriage, family, cooking, games and traditions.  I love you.

To Roma-- you may be the single most influential woman in my life and left a legacy behind.  You were never afraid to be yourself.  You didn't fit in with the normal crowd and that's why I was always drawn to you.  My memories with you are all fond and tender and silly.  Thank you for loving me fiercely  and being my biggest fan.  I love you so dearly.

To Nancy and Julie-- two of the most unselfish and fun-loving women.  You are constantly on the lookout for ways to serve and uplift others.  You have done so much for me and my little family and you make a difference in such a big way.  We love you.

To Bev Olson-- we are not related by blood, but I consider you family.  You are one of the strongest women, overcoming more in your lifetime than dozens of women combined.  I am so grateful our paths crossed ten years ago.  You are a mother and grandmother in our home.  We love you and are thinking about you today.

Happy mothers day to all the amazing women in the world.  My heart is full tonight.  

Waiting to Be Heard

I picked up Amanda Knox's book "Waiting to Be Heard" two days ago on a 25 cent shelf at the library.  I finished it early this morning.  it's 457 pages and filled with mistakes and heartache and sadness.  This is NOT a typical book I read, but for some reason, I wanted to read it (pms, probably) and I loved what I learned.  I am not recommending it because it's full of sex, drugs, swears and heartache, but I was in the mood for it.  (I don't care for fictional drama and mysteries, but this real-life blood is totally okay by me.)

 Amanda Knox was convicted of being involved in the murder of her 20 year old English roommate while living in Italy in 2009.  After 1400 something days in prison, she was acquitted and now she's trying to rebuild her life in Seattle.  After the book was published, the verdict was overturned and apparently she's "guilty" again (although it sounds like unless she goes back to Italy, it won't matter.) Her memoir is her own story and it's a nightmare, I read it with an open heart and I felt all the feels.  So much sadness and heartache.  I didn't cry, but oh I felt so deeply for everyone.. so much empathy for Amanda, her boyfriend, the murder victim and the families involved.  For me, it was all about the power of families and the strength we can give each other when we are going through deep, dark moments.

After reading for a couple of hours and being close to finished last night, I had Luke come into my room around midnight.  He broke out in a rash and was miserable.  I told him to hop in the shower and then come back to lay down by me.  I prepared a little bed for him on the floor by the door to the outside deck in my room.  I set up a fan, clean sheets and grabbed some essential oils to rub on him.  When he came back, I saw how bad the rash was and felt so sorry for him.  (We've had this weird flu bug, but it must be hitting Luke in a breakout..)

While rubbing him down, I just felt so grateful for his health and for each of my kids.  I thought of friends who have watched their children suffer from all kinds of ailments and diseases and my heart goes out to them.  I thought of Amanda Knox's mother, flying to Italy after hearing about the murder and arriving just after Amanda was arrested.  She was outside that prison wall, unable to help or comfort her little girl.  Being a parent is so heart-wrenching because we love our babies so much.  As I rubbed Luke down with oils, I felt the love that I was giving to him through the power of touch.  The older my teenage boys get, the more I wonder if our relationship will change... because they are boys and it's weird to touch.  But only if we make it so.  Luke and I have a special connection and I am his friend and his supporter.  His love language is touch and even though it's not natural for me to express love in that way, I know that's how he receives it.  He literally melted on that pillow and went to sleep so peacefully and sweetly.  I went to bed feeling so grateful to have my family under my roof.

Many people have vilified Miss Knox because she was sleeping around, smoking marijuana and being irresponsible and unfeeling with the way she responded to the murder. I don't see why we need to judge or label her.  She learned a really tough lesson the hard way.  And she just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time... (not to mention her darling roommate who was killed.)  I think she shows bravery by opening up and telling her story, explaining and apologizing for the mistakes she made and seeing what she learned from such tough lessons.  Her story makes me want to reach out to everyone, especially those making stupid mistakes.  But the thing is, we are all flawed and we are all making big mistakes, they just aren't as easy to see or exploited by the media.  She became hated because she didn't respond the way the majority would.. and because she's beautiful and American and unapologetic.  I've since watched interviews done by her boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito who has thrown into the whirlwind after dating Amanda for one week.  I absolutely loved the way they stuck by each other (not romantically involved after that week) and maintained their innocence.  Their lives were dramatically changed because of a simple kiss outside the crime scene and that's so sad.

Reading such a dark book could have made me feel worse about people and law enforcement and national security, but it made me more grateful and more hopeful.  People REALLY are doing the best with the tools they have.  Experience will give them more tools and hindsight will give them a clearer vision.  But we must give others the benefit of the doubt.

It also got me thinking about the choices I've made in the past couple of years and more recently in the past few weeks.  When moving, I had to make some tough choices about what I was going to be able to do before we moved.  I had to tell clients who were interested in coaching that we weren't a right match for each other.  I had to cancel a meeting I was scheduled to speak.  I had to back out on a baby shower for a best friend that I was planning.  I said no to extended family parties.  I said sorry when it came to church obligations.  I really thought about doing everything and spreading myself thin, but my priority was moving with my husband when he wanted to move and being supportive and happy for my kids and my family.  When we arrived and decided to go to the beach (instead of spend the week unpacking like we'd planned) I got flack and hurt feelings for saying no when I could have said yes and stayed longer.  But there is power in owning your decisions and dealing with the aftermath of those decisions.  My priorities are first to myself-- always doing what I feel good about, not worrying about what is "right" and "wrong" and trusting that my gut will guide me to where I need to be.  And then next to my husband and kids.  They absolutely came before everything else-- and that's okay.  As we stand in our own power and trust that the decisions we make are the best for us, we allow other feelings to settle where they may.  Lessons are learned in every experience and I am grateful for what I've learned... and I absolutely trust that others who judge or chose to be hurt or feel frustrated also are trying to do their best with what is on their plate.  There is love all around for everyone.  We are on the same team here, all learning lessons as we own our own decisions and put up our own boundaries for what we can and can't do.

Where does God fit in with all this decision making, following your gut and making mistakes?  He's always there in my world.  But I don't think He wants us to feel guilt or sadness or judgment toward others.  He wants us to embrace learning and growing and He wants us to find greater connection with each other as we realize we are all in the same boat..  I believe I am making the best decisions for myself and my family and God supports me and is there to rub me down when a rash breaks out.  He won't take away the pain, but there is healing and ointment when I turn to Him.  I believe God felt so much sympathy and love for Amanda Knox when she was making stupid decisions.  I know He has so much concern for families who struggle and see their kids in pain.  I believe we become less like God when we judge or have negative feelings toward others who don't live the same way we choose to live.  There is enough love for everyone... and we must remember love for ourselves when we find ourselves in a place that isn't where we want to be.  Life is about finding light, joy and peace... and if we can't currently feel the peace, wait out the storm.  This moment is teaching us a lesson and giving us contrast for when the light and peace come.

Give your child more power

I constantly have conversations with moms about power struggles with their kids..  I can totally relate because I have my own everyday.  This is a natural part of parenting and I would suggest that you not stress so much about it and try to find as many happy mediums as you can.

With my two power-hungry kids, I try to give them MORE opportunities to be in charge and less rules and boundaries.  Their desire to be a leader is there for a reason and they are frustrated because they don't have control over their own lives.  They are little adults trapped in kid bodies, so just imagine how frustrating it would feel if you had an annoying boss following you around, telling you NO and giving you assignments every few minutes.  Sounds like a pretty terrible life, if you ask me, so my suggestion is to back off and give them some space.

Simon, who is now 6, was born older.  He has always wanted to be the boss of our house and we let him think that he is.  I don't think this is a problem.  We all give him a little space and let him bark orders.  Do we follow his orders?  Hardly ever, but we let him give them.  When he challenges our choices, we explain that he has to INSPIRE us by his example and he if expects us to listen and follow, he needs to be a better leader.  He is learning the power of his own example.

When he was very small and interrupting something important (usually the older boy's school time) I tried to do "timeouts" for him, but they never worked.  Confining him to a small spot and telling him that he had to sit and obey was the WRONG approach for this leader.  He needed and wanted more space and more power... this made him happier and easier to work with.  So I came up with a few alternative options to timeout that worked better for us.

If he was having a meltdown and it was typically time for discipline, I would pull him aside and say something like this, "Hey!  I am looking for someone really strong to help me.  I don't just need anyone, I need a really strong helper who is really smart and really powerful."  His chest would puff up and he stepped up to the job.  And then I would put him to work giving him an assignment that he could totally do-- put a puzzle together, fold blankets, left heavy things, take off couch cushions and jump on them and then put them back on... Sometimes we would do these things together and sometimes he would do them alone (the bigger the meltdown, the more I would supervise.)  Simon didn't respond well to cheesy connection... he wanted to feel better by doing and creating, so I would come up with something that made him feel like he was building an empire.  One job I would give him over and over and over was washing the trampoline.  He probably washed our trampoline 20-30 times between the ages of 2-3.  I would give the assignment as a privilege.. "I need someone really responsible who can wash our ENTIRE trampoline.  It can't just be only half way clean, the whole tramp needs washing, every single spot."  He would eat up that assignment and stay outside with a bucket of water and a wash cloth for a good 30 minutes.  After he was done, I always praised him for a job well done and tell him how lucky we were to have him in our family.  Responsibility and control over a project always worked like a charm.  Now that he's 6, I give him assignments that aren't as arbitrary. (at least in his mind.)  The other day when he was disrupting and being annoying, I gave him a piece of paper and pen and told him I needed a map drawn of every single house in our extended family and how to drive there.  He took the assignment with pride and drew out a dozen houses with directions...  His directions made absolutely no sense whatsoever, but he felt pretty powerful giving directions about where to turn.

With Roma (4) it's very different.  She's a control freak, but more about her THINGS and less about giving directions to other people.  She wants to control what she wears, how her hair is done (usually not at all), what goes in her room, what color her nails are painted and how often, etc.  I let her have complete control over these things, as annoying as it can be.  Am I embarrassed of her when we go out in public?  Usually.  But it makes her happy to wear what she wants.  When living in Utah we constantly  had arguments over her being cold... because she would NOT wear tights or jackets. Coats were an absolute battle.  I would minimize these arguments by letting her dress herself and then offer her sympathy when she was cold.  I did not provide a back-up coat.  I would just say things like, "You're cold now that it's snowing?  I'm sorry.  I hate it when I am cold, so that's why I wear a coat or bring a blanket."  Pretty soon, she'd start bringing a coat or a blanket.  And that was that.  Tights were still a struggle.  Her hair is no longer a battle.  She can do it however she pleases and it makes her so happy.  If I ever try to negotiate anything about her hair, she will actually say, "You are always bossing me around!"  or "You try to control me and I hate it!"  It's a great reminder to me to step back and let her be.  I would hate it if someone made me wear my hair a certain way and dressed me up in clothes that aren't comfortable.  I want to be me, and she wants and needs control over herself.

When shopping, we face a new battle.  Roma wants to buy EVERYTHING anytime we go anywhere.  I used to let her make piles of things she wanted for her birthday (or Christmas or Easter or whatever holiday was coming up next.) But that didn't work well because she would never get those items when the holiday arrived and she remembered.  So now, we have a different approach.  When we are in a store and she begs for me to buy her something, I ask her a simple question.. "What are you going to buy when you have all the money in your wallet?"  This is a question she loves.  Then we talk about what she will buy for her kids when she is a mom.  Our conversation goes like this...

Ro: Mom, I want to buy this!  I love it so much.
Me:  Wow.  That is... pretty.  It costs $79.00.  Are you going to buy it when you have $79?
Ro:  Yes.  I want to buy it right now, though.
Me:  What will your wallet look like when it has all the money in it?
Ro:  It will be rainbow and sparkly and have so so so so much money in it.
Me:  Wow.  I wish I had a sparkly wallet with so much money in it.  My wallet is just plain.  And look?  There is no money in it.
Ro:  But I want to buy it!
Me:  When you grow up and drive to the store, what kind of car will you drive?
Ro:  It will be pink, like a barbie car.
Me:  Love it.  Will you bring your kids to the store?
Ro:  Yes. and I will let them buy everything, always.
Me:  That sounds like you'll be a really good mom.  I don't buy everything for my kids because I don't want my house to get too messy with everything.
Ro:  I am going to go to the store and buy everything and bring it home and have their rooms filled with stuff.
Me:  What will your house look like?
Ro:  It will be pink and purple and pretty and you will love it so much. (grinning ear to ear.)
Me:  I can't wait to visit it.

This is how I deal with her... everyday.  She wants to control me and what I buy, but I hold my ground and tell her that there will be a time when she can control what she buys.  It really does help her to visualize herself being a mom and buying everything for her kids.  It makes her giggle in the middle of the isle instead of sob when we walk away.  Every time she tries to boss me around, I ask her what she will do when she's MY age and the kind of mom she will be when she has a 4 year old.  It's a very different approach to the way I am a mom and that's okay.  We are very different people.  I don't feel bad if she says or thinks I am a bad mom.  I love her for being sassy and feisty.

There is a time as least once a day (it used to be a dozen times a day) when she tells me that she hates me and that I am the worst mom ever.  I don't try to talk her out of feeling this way.  But I don't let it bother me either.  I just let her feel all her feelings and then I say something nonchalant like, "I love it when we are best friends and say nice things to each other."  I don't try to teach her out of the mean words she says, I just tell her what I hope for and what I want in our relationship.  It's a simple tool of expressing what you want and not giving power or attention to what you don't want.  By remaining calm and in control, I teach her (by example) that she can do the same.  She's not quite there yet, but she's getting much better.

Usually when our children are throwing fits its because it's the best way for them to communicate what they want and what they need.  When we tell them to stop (or freak out ourselves) it doesn't solve the problem.. they are still lacking what they need and now cannot communicate it, so they will eventually withdraw or shut down.  When we calmly step into the storm and listen to what they are communicating (Ro:  "You are always controlling me.") then you open yourself up to see where the improvements need to be made.  The improvements always need to be made by the parent first.  Always.  Step into your storms and figure out what you as the adult could improve in your own behavior and then your children will follow.  Stop controlling their behavior and start controlling your own.  Give your feisty kids more power over their own choices, help them plan their futures and watch them come alive!

the "Lost and Found" at home

What do you do about kids not putting away their stuff? How do you apply natural consequence without having to live in a messy house all of the time?

When trying to figure out natural consequences for your kids, ask yourself what would (does) happen in the real world.  Try to set up systems in your home that would teach your children how to be responsible for their own things...

In the real world, if your child left their items in a public place, what would happen to it? If it was a park, it might stay there until they come back, but sometimes a natural consequence is that it disappears.  If they leave their things out at church or school, it would probably go to a "Lost and Found" area where they would need to come back and retrieve it.

If you have a very messy house from kids leaving out their things, I would suggest you start your own "LOST and FOUND" box.  Keep it in the garage or some place that is out of sight and doesn't bother you each time you walk by.  If you want to be super organized with it, make the child identify what they lost before you give it back to them (this happens in the real world!  Most of the time you can't rummage through items, you have to know what you lost before you can get it back.)  If you don't have the patience to be all proper about it, let the kids go through it to find what they need.  But it's important not to be negative or condescending.. have fun with it!  They are learning important lessons and you are here to teach them.  

If your goal is to keep a clean house and to teach your kids to pick up after themselves then the first thing you should do is pick up after YOURSELF.  It always starts with example.  Put all your things where they belong and get really systematic with baskets and shelves and labels.  Get excited about your own level of organization and let that rub off on the kids.  Chances are the more organized you become, the more your kids will recognize that it's fun to be organized too.

IF they don't naturally follow with their own improvements, then don't force it on them or nag them about it.  But don't save them either and put things away for them..  Just allow them to feel the frustration of not being organized.  (because it is frustrating when you don't know where your things are.)  When they leave something out, put it in your "Lost and Found" bin and make them scrounge through it to find what they need.  Sooner or later, they will realize that it's better to put away their things in the same spot.  If they are stubborn and will not learn the lesson, make it harder for them to get their things back... have them earn money (or fill up a sticker chart) to earn their items back.  You want them to have respect for your home and respect for their own things and when they have to earn them back, they will eventually get it.  

If they cannot keep track of their things, they probably have too much.  Have a three strikes, you're gone rule.. and donate it!  Downsizing is my quick answer to all life's problems. 

This isn't the only way to teach your kids to be organized, its just one suggestion.  If you have more ideas feel free to share them in the comments!