Preparing for Gabey Baby.

Ben turned 16 yesterday.  On the late, dark drive home from fireworks, I told the kids about the day Ben was born... all the details I could remember.  After I was finished Simon wanted to hear everyone's story.  And even though I can remember now, I know there are details that will be forgotten unless they are written down.  I think I have only written Simon and Roma's birth stories on this blog.  I need to catch up.  We'll start with Gabe because it was definitely the best.. and the most recent too..  Unfortunately there are zero pictures or video, which is the thing I regret most about his birth.

Gabe was my only pregnancy that went all the way to my due date (and several days passed it.)  The pregnancy was definitely long, but I felt SO GOOD those last few months that I really didn't mind one bit.  When a new baby is about arrive, there is so much to get ready for and looking forward to and I had so much extra energy to do it.  I was waking up early, exercising, getting so much done, not napping and going to sleep feeling so productive and GOOD.  I am at my happiest when I am productive, so I really wasn't rushing the birth.. I was just happy to feel healthy and energetic.  (I was also feeling so grateful that little Eden was alive and wasn't hit by a car weeks before Gabe's birth, and I know that gratitude carried me well passed the due date... I will need to write about that experience as well.  it was miraculous.)

My doctor would have induced me early, but I have never been induced and I just wasn't feeling it.  I was kind of annoyed by the amount of visits and non-stress tests I had to do those last few weeks.. holy cow!  I felt so good, I knew the baby was moving and chilling until the right time and I really had to FIGHT to go into labor naturally.  Not just with my medical team, but with friends and family... everyone just kept telling me what to do and I knew deep down in my bones it was just right to let him come when he was ready.  (We didn't know it was a him, but I was pretty convinced it was a boy.. When Roma was a baby I would look at my four boys and still feel like someone was missing.  It wasn't a girl.  I wanted so badly to have more girls, but I knew there was another boy.  I tried so hard to dismiss it, but after Eden was born I would dream about boy nonstop... it was ridiculous.  Eden was only days old, and I knew I still had a baby boy coming.  I would drive myself crazy wondering what was REAL or made up in my head.  I had countless conversations with other people asking if I HAD to have another or if I could just be done and chalk up my crazy dreams and crazy.  Turns out, he really did want to come.)

Okay, so an induction date was set for Tuesday, January 31st at 5 am.  I was doing everything in my power to go into labor before then.  I didn't count my steps those last two weeks but I was out of control.  I was walking every morning.  Then after my girls woke up we went again while they rode bikes.  We took strollers to the parks and pushed them around.  We picnicked so many afternoons outside because the January weather was so sunny and warm and we wanted to be outside.  On Thursday January 25 we spent the entire day hiking at Red Rock... we went in the morning and didn't come home until 4pm.  I forgot to tell my husband or my mom that I would be in the canyon, so they were both totally freaking out by the end of the day when I wasn't answering their phone calls and texts.  But at the end of the day, I had zero contractions.  On Friday the 26th, my middle boys were out of school and we planned to go hiking again, but once we were dressed and outside we realized it was freezing, so we just went to get donuts and played at the park.  I remember feeling so amazing that day.  I remember showering that morning and putting on my favorite yellow sweater and thinking that if I didn't have a watermelon in my tummy, I wouldn't even feel pregnant. I was killing it emotionally.  We painted when we got home from the park and Aaron came home from working and was laughing (making fun of) our huge mess.  Of course I got out the paints and canvases at 9 months preggo.. there was nothing else to do.  I can't remember what we did that night, but I am pretty sure I was cleaning my house or organizing something.

Saturday January 28th I had a stake RS conference.  I woke up with energy, got showered and picked out a cute outfit and I was having no contractions or any sign of labor.  (( This is probably TMI, but with every other pregnancy I would have tons of labor signs at least a week before I went into labor.  Not just hard contractions, but having discharge, etc.  With every single other baby I lost my mucus plug at least two or three days before my water broke.  I was having NONE of that with Gabe.  Seriously, I didn't even feel pregnant.  I knew he would come, but this experience was totally new to me.))  So I went to the ENTIRE women's conference and enjoyed every single lesson and talk.  They were about organization and family relationships.  But my favorite by far was on Gratitude. I could totally elaborate on this, but I think it needs it's own post.  After the conference I took all of the kids hiking because the weather was beautiful again and I still wanted to process some feelings that had come up that day, and out in the canyon seemed like the best place to figure out what I was feeling.  

One of my friends asked me that day if I was READY for the baby to come.  And I really internalized the question... wondering why I had stayed pregnant for so long.  And I had a full on conversation with my baby that day.  Not sure if I can put it into words, but I will try.  

I am the kind of person that either tolerates situations or I dive in, so excited about every aspect of it.  Unfortunately I can't hide how I feel so people know exactly if I want something to happen or if I am just going through the motions.  So with the baby... I had accepted the fact that a baby was coming.  And I had EVERYTHING ready.  And I even was prepared to do my part physically.  But emotionally I was not there.  I mean, I felt great and I was so excited for my kids to experience another baby, but I really hadn't welcomed this baby into our home yet, emotionally.  From my perspective, the baby didn't feel welcome yet because I was just reacting to the situation, not getting excited myself.  I could feel that the baby felt like he was intruding a little.  Does that even make sense?  It made perfect sense to me that Saturday while I sat in the conference and I had a real conversation with him as I said, no, I am not just willing to have you, I am totally excited.  We want you.  So come whenever you want, we are counting down the minutes.  I could feel that he could feel my sincerity.  And maybe it wouldn't have been sincere until that day, I am not sure.  I just know that it really did take me a full 9 months to get excited about another baby.  I mean I LOVE babies, but I also know how much they can change your life.  Little did I know how MUCH Gabe would change my life.  He's five months old and my life looks NOTHING like it did before he came.  

I feel like I need to start a new post for his actual delivery.  This is just too long and random.  New post coming.....

anniversary number seventeen

Aaron got home from tennis around 10pm and we played games with the kids until around midnight.  Long after everyone was asleep, I laid wide awake, thinking.  About how much I love my little family and how lucky we are to all be together, safe and happy and relatively healthy.  I thought about each year of our marriage and how things have changed, but really how everything is still exactly the same as the day we were married.  I decided to pull out my laptop and quietly scroll through photos of the two of us over the years.  What I found was kind of alarming (and sickening, if you ask Aaron.)  We have hundreds of photos together.  This is proof that he really loves me.

While looking through all of these photos, I thought about the first time Aaron said, "I love you."  He said it long before I did and I doubt he wanted to hear the response I gave him, but it just came out.  After he said "I love you." and I said, "I know."  Its something he teases me about now because I have always been a stuck-up brat.  But the truth is, I KNEW.  It was so tangible, he didn't even have to say the words. I have always felt loved by him, even when we were just good friends.  He knows my flaws better than anyone else, but he accepts and loves me anyway.  It's so easy to love him back because he's so open and vulnerable with the way he cares.  I know he feels the same way about our kids, other family members and close friends... he genuinely loves them and you can feel it.  Our kids feel secure around him because they KNOW he loves them unconditionally.  I want to be the kind of person who makes others feel loved.  I want to give it freely, without expecting anything in return.

(these are a few of my favorite photos/memories of the last 17 years...)

I wish so badly we had a photo of the two of us the day Gabe was born.  I'm still living off the high of Aaron's face when he walked into the bathroom and saw that I had delivered the baby alone.  Right now that's my #1 favorite memory with Aaron..  It will go down as one of the highlights of my life.

born to be a superstar

The other day a friend shared this short video on facebook and I looove stuff like this.  I mean, it's only been a little over a year since I've been practicing this kind of thinking.  I believe I've always been an active optimist or positive thinker, but I was always worried about doing what is "right" rather than creating what I wanted.  I would often wait until I knew for sure what to do and now I move forward in whatever direction feels good and trust that what I need will come to me at the right time..  To me, this feels so natural.  For as long as I can remember, I've always felt like a superstar... I mean, I am totally average and I still have so much I can improve on.  But I can pull out an inner superstar when I need her... and that's everyday at some point.  I am getting better and better at staying in that mindset all day.. I am specifically referring to Lady Gaga's short segment in this video.

My Simon was also born this way.  He comes across as super arrogant and thinks that he does everything well.. you can't convince him otherwise.  I wondered if putting him in school would crush this personality trait because he's totally behind in reading (we thought he was dyslexic, but I think he's just not interested yet.) But school has only made him more confident in himself.  I think he realizes he's a bit of an underdog in his classroom, but he doesn't care one bit.  He focuses on what he's good at and stays positive and upbeat.  He does his own work 100% and never wants help (why would he need help?) and he brings home some pretty ugly projects.  I feel bad that we laugh at him and his school work, but it's just amazing to me that he stays confident.  He gets that from me-- I was born arrogant and I still am.

I keep waiting for Sciatica to humble me.  I'm not saying it hasn't brought out some serious frustration.  So many people feel bad for me or say how sorry they are that I am going through this.  But I don't feel bad for myself and I don't feel sorry that I am experiencing this.  Yes, it totally sucks.  But it's kind of awesome too.  This is the most pain I've ever experienced.  It's pain that cannot be treated with medicine.  It feels like my leg is on fire 24/7.  It doesn't go away when I sleep, and it's always worse if I try to do anything.  Standing for more than an hour and sitting in a hard chair for more than 30 minutes makes the pain almost unbearable.  But it hasn't killed me, and it won't.  I am a freaking superstar.  I have been able to separate my body from my spirit and realize that nothing can keep me down.  I definitely feel down, but I don't stay there.  I fight every single day.  I wake up with the best intentions.  Most mornings I tell myself that I am going to knock it out of the park.  I don't usually... and a lot of evenings I feel totally defeated because I wasn't able to do what I set out to do (even when my goals were so minuscule, like showering and getting dressed... or running one simple errand and I wasn't able to do it.)  But I wake up the next day with a new hope and a renewed desire to get better.  I have explored every possible option.  And I am not giving up until I am better.  I may have to deal with this the rest of my life and that's okay too.  I can handle it.  I am so much stronger than I thought I was.  I may be weak physically and completely unproductive (according to my old standards) but mentally and emotionally I am better than I have ever been.

Last year (or maybe 18 months ago) I went to a three day conference where I left my kids at home all day to fend for themselves.  Ben was 14 and Eden was 1.  Each night I came home from the conference to sleep.. and my house was clean, dinner was on the table without a lot of fuss or planning, the kids got their homework and chores done with ease and it felt so good!  At the end of the conference, I decided to become a parenting coach because I knew that I could help others create a better atmosphere at home.  It's been awesome and I love each of my clients and their kids.  I know I've helped them in significant ways and it feels good.

This experience with sciatica has been the ultimate test for our family.  We moved away from extended family..  Aaron is now working further from home with a busier schedule and longer hours.  My kids are now in school (which is much harder in many ways) and we've added a newborn to the mix which is never an easy adjustment.  And we are CRUSHING it in so many ways.  My kids have all stepped up to the plate and knocked it out of the park.  Each of us have different talents and strengths and we are learning to use them to make our home better.  They take care of each other and they are so extremely helpful and kind to me.  We've grown closer and even though I want to get back to my normal, every day life, I am so grateful for this experience.  Aaron hasn't needed to take any time off work.  We haven't had any outside help.  We've had a ton of visitors come through (that's been helpful in many ways, but it's also been more work.) And we've rocked it.  Yes, there has been frustration and lots of tears (mostly on my end.) but we have a stronger marriage because of it and my kids have each grown up in different ways.  I've LOVED being able to experience it and witness it.  It makes me so happy and so grateful.

I'm not out of the woods.  I am still seeking for answers and a solution.  I think it will come down to surgery (and it's been complicated trying to get insurance to pay for it without jumping through a lot of time-consuming loopholes.)  We've spent so much money on so many alternative experiments... literally thousands of dollars and it's frustrating when it hasn't helped or improved my situation.  I am just as numb and almost just as crippled as I was three months ago.  I am not crawling to the bathroom anymore, but I can't do very much.  But I still feel productive, in my own way.  I am reading and learning and growing.  I am strengthening my relationships.  I am still coaching parents and loving it.  I am a great mom and wife and that's what matters most to me.  Why hasn't anything worked or helped me?  I just don't think it's been the right time. I know I will get better.  But I also think that whatever comes my way is here to teach me and help me.  I see this as a blessing and an opportunity.  It totally sucks, but there are so many other things that are worse.  I will gladly take this over something life threatening or equally damaging to my family.  I feel like my mom when I say I wouldn't trade lives with anyone else, but I wouldn't.  My trials and obstacles are made for me.  I have so much to learn and improve and I'm looking forward to it.  My baby weight will eventually come off.  It may take me longer, but that's okay.  I would rather spend money on something else than doctors and medicine, but I'm so grateful for modern medicine and the option I have surgery and get my nerves back to normal.  Life is good and it's only going to get better.

floating down the river...

So, I've listened to two "Awesome with Alison" podcasts today (How have I not clicked on these before?) and here I am writing my second blog post.  Today is really the first day I've pulled out my laptop in three months and that in itself is unfortunate.  But anyway, I am listening to all kinds of good things and just wanted to write out what I was thinking.. Love her energy.  and btw, I totally do feel more awesome after listening.

In episode 13 (yes, totally skipping to whatever number sounds good.) Alison talks about planning an event and how magically its coming together.. she said a line that struck me.. something about how she jumped right into the river, hoping it would take her somewhere and how it feels magical.  This struck me because that's EXACTLY what mindfulness is..  it's magical.  and JUST TODAY I was talking to my sister on the phone and we were talking about how we get through hard moments.  I was telling her that my hardest moments over the past few months have always been after a doctor's appointment (because I wait up to 2 weeks to see a specialist or surgeon and then I am always let down because they want me to wait longer before moving forward.. give it some time, see another specialist, etc.  I obviously don't want to jump into surgery either, but dude, I haven't been able function.  My entire leg is numb and I feel pins and needles 24/7.)  And then often times if I am on my feet too much during the day, I will pay for it at night and feel a ton of pain before I go to sleep. anyway, this is way more complaining and less about how I cope with it.  So every night when I lay in bed and my leg is on fire and I can't get comfortable, I think of two things.  Every single night I fall asleep to these images and they have saved me.  First, I imagine myself running outside.  It's sunny, I have headphones and great music blasting and I am running as fast as I can and it feels so good.  It seems impossible at first because I can't even walk, but I imagine it until it feels real.  And then I switch to relaxation.  I relax and surrender by imagining myself in a river.  I am laying back in an innertube and the water is warm.  The sun (again) is on my face and my eyes are closed.  The river is moving, but I am not worried about where it's taking me because wherever it goes is right where I need to be.  I am not going to capsize.  I am not getting too much sun.  Everything is exactly the way it needs to be because life is working out for me.  I love this image and it's about the only vision that helps me realize that sciatica is what I need.  I don't know why I need it and I don't care.  I just need to enjoy the journey and stop asking so many questions... I don't need to rush the process and I will never end up where I am not supposed to because life is totally in my favor.  It's all working out for me.  I believe this deep down in my core and I connect with that feeling each night before I go to sleep.  It's saving me right now and allowing me to relax when no amount of pain killers will touch my numbness.  This sucks, but I am not going to go crazy.  I have moments of frustration and tears and hopelessness, but they are just moments.  They are necessary and they cleanse me, but they don't control me.  I am in control of my own emotions and life is totally in my favor.

YES or NO phase

I listened to an "awesome with Alison" podcast (episode 7) on being in a "Yes" or "No" phase.  It was my first Alison podcast... not sure why I picked out one in the middle, but I loved it and want to listen to more.  But it got me thinking about life and phases.

I have always been (or have always tried to be) a YES person.  I am definitely happiest when I can squeeze in the most fun/projects/activities/people as possible.  The best days for me have always been the most productive.  I don't really mean busy-work or errand running, I just mean a day full of meaningful things... that what productive means to me.  My emotional state has always seemed connected to how well I feel physically, because the more I can do, the better I feel.

My husband has teased me for 16 years that I am a YES MOM and he often sings the tune from Oklahoma, "I'm just a girl who cain't say no." and he sings it in a really high, annoying tone as if saying YES was a bad thing.  For him, maybe it was a bad thing (because sometimes my Yes included his participation) but for me, it's never been a bad thing because I genuinely feel better when I do more.  As a parent, I will say yes as often as I possibly can.  If I can't make it happen for my kids, I want THEM to figure out a way because life is short-- so let's make it happen if we can!  When I do say NO, my kids know I really mean it because it doesn't happen often, so no definitely means NO coming from me.

Fast forward to the past three months dealing with Sciatica and being in bed 23 hours a day for what seems like my entire life.  I can't even remember what it was like to be a YES mom.  I literally say NO to every thing that comes my way... and you know what?  It feels amazing.  I love being a NO person!!!!!  There are days where I literally get nothing done except a shower and getting dressed.  The simple basic things of life are on my someday list.  And I don't even care when that someday is... I just do what I can do and that is very little.  I am not saying that I don't want to get better or back to my everyday normal but I really don't know when that normal will be, so right now, I am in a total NO phase.  No to church, no to friends, no to anything social, no to date nights, no to everything... actually that's not true.  I don't say no to visitors and maybe I should because we've had nonstop visitors and I doubt I will say no anytime soon.  But I say yes to people coming to stay with us because it's a YES that I can say for my kids.. cousins/aunts/uncles to our house is a blast for my kids and their lives are very dull right now, so as long as they help me get ready for visitors, it's a total party.  Yes to all the parties!

So, what am I saying?  I guess that it FEELS SO GOOD to be a YES mom AND a NO mom!  because whenever you are doing the best you can, it really doesn't matter how much or how little you are doing..  I am just doing what I can and it feels good to let the rest go.  I am loving letting my life all go to pot!!! it feel so good, I will say YES later...