In the warmth of the sun.

Last Sunday, I bore my testimony in church and mentioned an experience I had on my 19th birthday. It is an experience that I think about often, but I have never written it down.. and it's definitely an experience that I want written in my book of life. As I typed it up for my personal journaling blog, I decided that I would share it with everyone else. I apologize to those in my neighborhood who heard it last week.. but then again, no one is making you read it-- so never mind.


My first birthday away from home was ten years ago. I was a college freshman at Ricks College, in Idaho. The semester started about a week before my 19th birthday. I was excited to move away from home, make new friends and be independent.. but when my birthday came around, I realized that no matter how hard I tried to deny it, I was really HOMESICK.

I tried to act like it wasn't a big deal that no body knew it was my birthday. I spent the morning on campus, going to my classes, trying to pretend I was okay. I was practically waiting by the mailbox in the afternoon for the postman to deliver a package or card from my family. But when he arrived, he was empty handed. It turns out, my mom forgot to put the apartment number on the package and it took a few days to get to me. No big deal really, except that it was.. for me. 1998 was a year before cell phones and email.. so even if people wanted to get a hold of me, it wasn't easy. As the day progressed, the loneliness sunk in. I didn't want to sulk around my apartment or (heaven forbid) cry! in front of my roommates! Instead, I took a small blanket and headed up on campus to the most beautiful place in Rexburg-- the Gardens.

I laid out my blanket in the shade of a big oak tree and let the emptiness sink in. I brought my journal to write in, but my tears were rubbing the ink and staining the pages.. so I stopped and sat in the quietness and cried. It was hard being off on my own, feeling like no one knew the 'real' me. And even though I knew this experience was good for me, I just couldn't help but feel pathetic and lonely. In that quiet moment, I looked up at the bright warm sun. It came through the leaves of the trees and as it hit me, it filled my entire body with warmth. I didn't hear a voice or any background hallelujah music, but I will never forget the love that I felt. As the sun was shining on me, I knew, without a doubt, that my Heavenly Parents were aware of me. They knew it was my birthday and knew how depleted I had felt. Instantaneously, my emptiness was filled with love and I no longer was alone.

As a young girl, I had simple realizations that there was a God in heaven who loved me and knew me personally. But never before had I felt the love of a Heavenly Mother. It was a knowledge that came over my entire body, and as I looked at the beautiful plants, trees and flowers that surrounded me, I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace and contentment. I had been created for a purpose. And even though I was far away from home and I was missing my family, I had not been forgotten. I remember the walk home-- the sun had set and it was dark, but I did not feel the least bit chilly. I had, for one small instant, seen myself in a new light.. and felt a fraction of the love that God has for me. And that in itself was the greatest gift I could have received.

It's been ten years (and two days) since that night and I can't tell you how many times I have thought back on that moment... a hundred? maybe more. I have realized over the years that it was such a blessing to feel such 'despair', because I withdrew myself from the loud, busy college life and found a place that was quiet, peaceful and open. Sometimes we are given trials to humble us, to get us on our knees, so that we are able to feel of His love. He is always willing to give it, but we are rarely in the situation to receive it.

Fast forward ten years, and here I am. I have been blessed with a wonderful husband and three beautiful boys who I love and adore. I have all that I need and more than I could ask for. Yet, somehow, I still find myself in moments of despair, when I feel like no one understands what I am going through. I am still struggling with the same feelings of insecurity and worthlessness, and it seems like no matter how MUCH I do or how MANY friends I make, I still feel the same emptiness. And then, I realize, that I am not going to THE source for happiness and peace.

I know that God is aware of each of us. He knows us personally. He loves us and wants us to feel happiness and joy in our busy, crazy lives. We will never find satisfaction or peace by comparing ourselves with those around us... We are not inferior nor superior to anyone else. We were created equal and yet we are so beautifully unique. We must rejoice in our individuality and be grateful for our differences.. and try to find more quiet, peaceful moments to feel of His love so that we can see ourselves for who we really are.