How to ROCK THE WORLD of an (almost) six year old

i love how you attack me first. WHAT?

I am busy getting ready for family to come visit.. yeah for living in a place where people want to visit! I still need to put fresh sheets on the beds, but I just had to share something....

You would NOT believe the kind of hits I get from psycho Google searches. I know I could block my blog from getting random searches, but then I would lose a bit of entertainment. I am not kidding you when I say that the following searches have all been done in the last HOUR. Oh, this is good stuff. Click on the links below.. my blog is the first to show up. who are you crazy people? We should totally hang out.

• I love your obsession with me. It's flattering. I love how you post on every blog I make. How you always ask me how my games are then say that I came in #1. I LOVE HOW YOU ATTACK ME FIRST. I am dripping sweat.

• Hilarious Mom BUTTS FARTS ON THEIR SON Stinky Gross

• electric after shave safe to drink drunk listerine

Oh, and I counted how many "Getting drunk of Listerine" searches I got today. 42. Why do I find this so entertaining?

A drawing from Ben

This was given to our neighbors after their baptism, but I had to scan it in and document it before we gave it away....

amateur art gallery

I have been scanning in the kids' artwork so I can chuck it! That's the way I work it.. no diggity. I got to back it up. Once it's in the computer, it goes in the garbage. I scan in about 1/10 of the kids artwork... they each have their own files. I realize that the originals could be worth lots of money one day (when they become famous, of course) but who needs money when you've got fame?

I've realized that if the picture has a story behind it, the explanation should be written ON the work of art. This can be done in any photo software program (including Photoscape, just make the document large enough.) It's made adding their artwork to my blog BOOK super easy. (BTW, my 2008 book is finished... 400+ pages!) Updates on that later. Until then, here's a few masterpieces from my chillins.

If you can't read the text, click on the image..

ps. HI

I just needed to post this little note I found on the ground a minute ago. I went to throw away yet another scrap piece of paper--one that is SO typical of what I see a million times everyday:

My boys are constantly writing notes to each other or making up treasure hunts, but they NEVER take care of their paper after they are done. I picked it up frustrated, and as I went to throw it in the garbage, I read the inside. And it made me smile.

Now I am dying to know what they did in MY room. Maybe made my bed or put a love note under my pillow... either that or secretly talked about how mean I am being today.


Update: Over dinner tonight (sweet and sour meatballs, if you must ask. It was a little too sweet than I had hoped.. especially after an entire day of eating only Halloween candy!) Anyway, over dinner, I asked the kids WHY they needed to meet in my bedroom and what they talked about once they arrived. They looked at each other, smiled and then said they couldn't talk about it at the table. Interesting. About a minute later, when Zack wasn't paying attention, they whispered that it was a secret planning meeting to get Zack to like his OWN light-saber. His is green, but he never wants to play with it and always fights over the others. So, in my bedroom this afternoon, they figured out that if THEY started picking Zack's because it was cooler than the others.. and openly discussing how GREEN is now their new favorite color, that Zack would eventually follow and start to like his again. Sounds like an excellent plan to me.

If only life was as simple as secret bedroom planning meetings and which light-saber to love the most...

dressed in white

It's been a very special weekend. Some of our dear friends and neighbors were baptized on Saturday.. A family of five whose lives have been changed. We feel so blessed to be a part of their story... it's truly an incredible one.

Pictured: Mark, Courtney, Tyrisha (16) Sam (10) Keyonna (12) and my family.
(the girls were SO not enjoying their white baptismal suits. They kept saying they felt like convicts without the stripes.)

Although Mark is not the girls' biological father, there isn't a better Daddy around. He loves his family so much and wouldn't let them see or talk to the missionaries until he had fully investigated the church himself. They have all been through so much (you name it, they've experienced it) so when the missionaries from the LDS church came knocking on their door, Mark will be the first to admit that he was shocked when he let them in. He was never interested in finding religion, but religion found him. And he knew instantaneously that this was something different. Eventually he allowed them to teach his entire family. And the rest is history...

Ben will be 8 in a few short months and is getting ready for his own baptism. (How is this possible?) Witnessing the baptism of this wonderful family made him more excited for his big day... especially after seeing his Daddy in the water performing the ordinance. After the baptism, the whole family (as well as the missionaries) came to celebrate at our home for dinner. The kids played upstairs for hours while the adults talked downstairs. We literally laughed until we cried.

Adding new girls to our Young Women's Program has been such a blessing. I love my calling and feel so grateful to serve with the ladies that I do. These girls have added so much spice to our program!

And to say that my boys love Ty, Keyonna and Sam is a HUGE understatement. They literally beg to have them over. For Christmas, the girls gave me a special present. A book of coupons-- one for free babysitting for a whole year and one for cleaning services for a whole year. They didn't know what they were getting themselves into! Hiring THREE babysitters at a time is the only way to go.. Tyrisha cleans, organizes, makes dinner and disciplines while the younger two play, play, play with my boys. Every time Aaron and I get home from a hot date, my kids + Keyonna and Sam are dripping sweat. When I say they play, I mean they run around, wrestle, hide, have boxing tournaments... but you would never know they were rough-housing because Ty keeps everything so nice and tidy. When you have a system like this going on, date night should be every night. Our kids literally push us out the door and beg us to stay out late. We come home to spotless kitchen and exhausted kids. How blessed are we?

call me a potty mouth, if you must

How sad is it that ALL I write about is poop, farts, butts, and the mysterious Captain Winky? I really wish something else would occupy my life, but currently that is the ONLY thing going on in the household with three little boys. Are you ready for another potty story? Picture this:

Zack comes out of the bathroom with his pants on backwards.

I ask him, "Did you go potty?"

He answers, "Nope. I went POOP."

I reply: "Great! Let's run back in and wipe your bum."

He says: "I'm big. I already did it."

Me: "Well, lets go check."

Him: "We don't need to, Mom. Cause there's no more toilet paper!"

Me: "Uh oh. You run in the bathroom and I will get more toilet paper."

Him: "It's okay. I wiped my bum with my DUCKY TOY!" (in the cutest, high-pitched voice possible)

I couldn't help but smile as we went into the bathroom to find his new rubber ducky in the garbage (not a bad place to throw it after it's substituted for toilet paper!) The unfortunate part of this situation is that Ben and Luke were present for the conversation and found it HYSTERICAL. They have been singing, "Rubber Ducky, you're the one..." all morning. What's a mom to do (except document it on her blog?) I really do LOVE the fact that the kid is independent and finds "other resources" when he's in a pickle. But part of me just wishes he wait on the toilet and scream "MOM!" until his face is blue. My other boys were completely helpless in the wiping bum department until... well..... last week, practically.. and that can be frustrating too. I guess I just need to count my blessings and keep the toilet paper stalked.

If you think Zack is the source of the potty talk, think again. At what age do little boys grow out of it? I think the poem that says little boys are made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails is BOGUS. In my house, little boys are made of burps and toots and anything that poops.

I have mentioned before that Ben and Luke constantly write notes back and forth to each other. It's really cute, and it's really annoying because I am always picking up paper scraps around the house.. Because instead of just handing the notes to each other, they hide them or tape them up in a place that the other would think is funny. The object of this game is to get the other to laugh... and let me tell you, high scores have been given to both players. Recently, they have started writing NONSENSE notes because (apparently) when a bunch of words are jumbled together that make no sense at all, it's hilarious. The other day, the boys were hysterically giggling at a certain yellow note (written by Luke...) I figured they had some inside joke and rolled my eyes at them. Later I found this:

(notice the bottom line reads: To BEN POO)

And if if you thought that was "entertaining", check out the back side...

Those swirly things are Luke's attempt at a cursive E..
and I am crossing my fingers that the second line is a bunch of "boo"s and not "BOOB"s...
because it's a little too early to be obsessed with those... (I hope!)

Please tell me that other moms go through this kind of torture. I'm sure it never happened in the house that I grew up in (and heaven forbid my husband's) But that's only because our moms didn't document it. Seriously, though. Is this happening anywhere else or I am just a really bad mother? My boys need someone who will discipline them and not think it's funny. Is there a Super Nanny for manners? Yes. Her name is Mary Poppins and she's booked.

Yoda and Captain Winky

This artwork has made the cover of our blog book appropriately titled,

"2008 - The Return of the Jedi"

(click on image to enlarge)

I don't think it's headliner news to say that we're going through a Star Wars obsession in this house. We've been suffering from Jedi Fever for months now. And when the Empire strikes three little boys, there doesn't seem to be a cure in the Galaxy. Each of my boys (including Aaron) has their own light saber. The living room is their battle zone. Weapons are not allowed in the kitchen, especially during dinner time... but that doesn't mean they don't substitute their breadsticks or string cheese for imaginary light sabers. When I say we've been attacked by the clones, I am not kidding, people! It's bad! Obi-Wan you're our only hope!

In December, when trying to teach about Hanukkah, I asked my boys if they knew what JEWS were... Ben responded, "I know what a Jawa is, but not a Jew." Oh, and did I forget to mention that everything Ben says is in the voice of (the annoying) Jar-Jar Bings? And Luke, who would rather be addressed as "Skywalker" apparently knows Ewok launguage. When I ask him to unload the dishwasher, he gives me a handful of noises and expects me to translate.

The Force is especially strong with Little Yoda. He eats, drinks and breaths Star Wars and he's always armed in case of a surprise attack. He will not leave the house without his light saber... and often has more than one hooked to his pants. Frankly, I am getting tired of telling Zack, "There are too many weapons hooked to your belt! Your pants are falling down!" I appreciate the fact that he wants to protect his family, but his underwear is showing constantly!

With that said, I think you can appreciate what happened this morning. I was busy getting breakfast on the table when I heard this conversation,

Zack:Daddy, you better stand back! I have three light sabers!

Aaron: It looks like I see four.

Zack: No! I only have three, see?

Aaron: You better count again. I think there's four. Go ask mommy how many weapons she sees.

Zack runs over to me wanting to get my opinion, and I just burst out laughing... His three lightsabers were so heavy that his pj bottoms were really sagging. And this morning, he had no underwear to keep him from being fully exposed. There were four weapons all right. One of them happened to be Captain Winky.


THIS, my friends, is exactly why I am so glad my camera is back in business. I realize I am going to be punished in the afterlife for exposing my children on my blog the way I do... but I just can't help it! I figure it's just payback for all the headache Zack has given me. I mean, he deserves to be made fun of every once in a while, dontcha think?

And if you're wondering if I have been bit by the Star Wars bug, the answer would be yes. I really do love the movies. SHOCKER! I think Kevin Shosted would be proud.. he's an old friend from high school who forced me to sit through all 3 episodes (IV, V, VI) in ONE WEEKEND. I thought it was pure torcher at the time, but I have finally been converted. It really is a great story and I am enjoying the "craze" while it lasts... I am grateful something has replaced Transformers..

google searches make my day...

I should not be writing a post right now. My eyes are so sick of looking at the computer screen and it's way past my bedtime.. but my husband is playing basketball and I just don't want to sleep in an empty bed.. I just spent the last 5 hours editing my blog book and it's ALMOST FINISHED! I am SO looking forward to printing it so I can get back to normal life... the kind where I play with my kids and do the laundry.

Anyway, I just have to say that ever since I wrote the LISTERINE post, I have been getting SO MANY google hits on "How to get drunk off Listerine" I am not kidding you-- at least 30 people PER DAY are searching the internet for information on how mouthwash can make you drunk. And I love the fact that they are coming to my blog only to see that I am making fun of them. Seriously, people! Stop getting hammered off of mouthwash! Put the bottle down and get some help!

And I used to think that people searching "drinking pee" or "what does pee taste like" was funny (yes, I am ashamed to admit that my blog is also a "resource" for that search.) Maybe it's late and I am just finding this extra amusing, but seriously, the Internet really does make the world go round, doesn't it?

my four funny men

just wanted to write down a few things that made me smile today... I am seriously living with comedians.

Zack: "What you looking at, kid?" (talking to Ben during breakfast...)

Luke: When asked if he wanted to go to the library with mom, Ben and Zack he said, "Na. I will just stay with dad and we'll have a brown-eyed party." (We're having segregation issues in our family..)

Ben: On the way home from the library, listening to the Transformer CD he just checked out.. "I really think Lincoln Park should try out for American Idol." Lincoln Park is the band who sings his favorite Transformer song, "What I've done."

Aaron: While helping me make dinner in the kitchen, "Man, I wish I could sing....then I could've married anyone one I wanted to."

I sure do love my funny men! And I am loving the new TV schedule these days... I'm not afraid to admit that I sing along to American Idol, eat a big bowl of ice cream while watching The Biggest Loser and laugh my head off during The Bachelor. Who do you think is going to get the final rose? If I was a betting woman, I would put money down on Jillian (she might be Canadian, but I like her anyway :)

Zack stats

Age: 3

Height: 34 inches

Weight: 30 lbs

Hair color: white-ish/blond-ish

Eyes: baby blue

Freckles: scattered

Smile: irresistible

Special Talent: making sound effects. He does a killer machine gun, and imitates light saber duels just like the movies. It's always a treat when spit flies from his mouth during the "demonstration"

Birthday dinner request: turkey (we had a big dinner on Sunday with friends and it was yummy!)

Favorites--

Color: Green or LELLOW

Food: string cheese, cheetos, cereal, yogurt, milk (some things never change)

Animal: still PUPPIES

TV show: Star Wars Clone Wars (a rather annoying cartoon) and Yo Gabba Gabba (and annoying-er show that shouldn't be on the air, in my expert opinion...)

Movie: Anything that blows up or explodes

Superhero: Batman, Spiderman, Superman, Ironman, the Hulk, and any other person who punches, fights, wears a cape or flies.

Primary song: Scripture power, I am a Child of God.

Book: anything pop-up

Past time: Skipping and sticking out his tongue (sometimes doing both at the same time.)

Family game: Hide and seek or Freeze tag.

Star Wars character: Yoda-- is there another option, really?

Funniest things said by Zack on his birthday: When you never, never go poop, it gets stuck in your bum and it really (pronounced WILLY) willy, willy, willy hurts!

Zack has only grown 3 inches and gained 3 pounds since last year.. (Maybe milk DOESN'T do a body good....) But it's crazy how many changes come from age 2 to 3. It makes me sad to think that he's so grown up! His award this year is "quickest to potty train" which is a big accomplishment! He may not keep his clothes on, but he knows how to go in the toilet and that is something to brag about. He might have grown out of "The Animal" phase, but I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch. I am crossing my fingers that he's really over the terrible 2's... Let's hope making messes and getting into trouble is behind us!

saturday night randomness...

As I am waiting for Zack's birthday video to upload, I thought I would post. what the heck. We had a good day. We spent a few hours with the annoying enormous Rat that most kids like to visit on their birthdays. or is he a mouse? Thankfully, we did not eat at Up Chuck's. But we did earn 500 tickets that "bought" each of my kids a swirly drinking straw. It doesn't get more exciting than that, folks.

When I was growing up, part of our birthday celebration was being able to pick out our favorite cereal to eat for breakfast (it lasted only that one day with 10 kids in the family) and my mom would make our favorite dinner. I am trying to carry on the tradition with my kids. We had delicious Frootloops for breakfast and Zack requested "turkey" for dinner. Huh? What's wrong with pizza or hot dogs, kid? I wasn't in the mood to make Thanksgiving all over again, but we did have turkey sandwiches and Cheetos (Zack's main staple in life.) All in all, it was a good day.

I have still been spending many hours on my book and it's really coming along. I am excited to print it. I have been scared about sharing HOW I am doing it because I'm not exactly sure if I can explain it. But I will give it a try.. Blurb is no longer uploading blogs from blogger... even with the older software. They've also kicked off wordpress and a few other companies. I have decided to still work with them because the quality is good and the printing price is great. I have NOT been uploading each blog entry and picture separately.. no one in their right mind should do that. Instead, I figured out how to export my blog, and then import it in a file that Blurb can recognize. If that sounds confusing, it should be... because it's all done in code. Basically, after my month training in the Blurb files last year when my book got corrupted, I learned how to read the language. And apparently, after tweaking a few codes from my blogger HTML file, I was able to import the entire blog into a book. Now I am editing it and it's looking great. If you're wondering if I can upload YOUR blog into a book, the answer is yes. It's not a hard process, but that's only because I am basically a genius.. kidding, we all have our special talents.. mine happens to be reading computer code. In order for me to upload your blog into a book you can edit yourself, I would need access to your export files. It would only take me a couple of hours to create the file and email it back to you. However, I don't think I will do it for free... because I am a mom and my hours are precious to me. Just know that the option will be available soon. I may try to write a program so that you can download it on your own computers and export the file yourself, but I don't know exactly where I am going to go with my new found computer skillz. I believe the code will work for most printing companies, but Blurb is my pick because of the price. I don't know of another company that will print a 400 page hardbound book for $65.. so Blurb is getting my business. Bloggled.com is supposedly coming out with new software soon... we're all sitting on the edge of our seats to find out how user friendly it is...

Other items of business-- I lost my camera. Have you noticed none of my posts have had pictures? I am really, really bummed about it. The last time I had it was on New Years Eve.. and I know exactly where it was in my house. I am honestly thinking that one of my babysitters took it. Is that a bad thought or what? Do I confront them personally or do I ask their mom? Honestly, I don't know what to do. Until then, the only pictures you get are scanned in pencil drawings from pizza joints.

Or maybe just a cute older video of Zack. This was him a few months ago giving his version of the Star Wars theme. He used to sing it non-stop around the house... when coloring or going potty, etc. I originally recorded it on my cell phone (many of you have heard it because it's my ringtone.) Anyway, I got him to do it for the camera a few months ago and I love it, especially because he won't sing it anymore...

Update: I found my camera. Yeah! I asked my babysitter and she was using it with the kids, and mistakenly put it in an odd place. I would never have found it on my own, so I am so glad I asked...

My baby isn't a baby anymore..

Dear Zack,

Tomorrow you turn 3. I hardly believe it's possible, but somehow it is. Your Transformer obsession has paid off and all of the sudden, you have transformed from a baby into a little boy. And not just any little boy, you are the most darling in the bunch.

Sometimes I might act like I don't like you very much, and every once in a while, I try to sell you on the Internet. But you and I both know that I am crazy about you. I couldn't stand a day without your sweet smile and silly personality...well, maybe a day, but definitely not a week! You've brought so much joy into our home. Honestly, you have been surprising us from the beginning.

I found out I was expecting you at 10 weeks.. and I was shocked. I wasn't planning on having a baby for a couple of years because Daddy was in law school and I didn't know if I could handle another baby, but you came anyway! When Daddy heard the news, he was so excited that he loaded us in the car and took us all out to dinner. I still cannot drive by a Ruby Tuesdays without thinking of how thrilled Daddy was to welcome a new child into our family. But I wasn't exactly thrilled.. I was sick!!! After dinner, we headed to the LDS visitor's center next to the St. George temple. It was at this visitors center, while watching a short family film, that you and I began our relationship.

As I sat there trying to wrap my thoughts around having another baby, you told me that it was your time to come. The feeling went from the top of my head down to my toes. I also felt that you were being sent as a special delivery package from two loving Grandparents whom I had never met. Daddy's grandparents (Duke and Lee Burnham) both passed away when Daddy was a boy, many years before I met him. While sitting in that film, stressing about how I was going to get through the pregnancy... I felt their love around me. Something told me that they knew you well and that they were sending you down to bless our lives. I can't think about it without getting tears in my eyes. We struggled coming up with a first name for our third boy, but Burnham was chosen for your middle name months before you were born.

These last three years have proved to be eventful, to say the least. You have been a little spitfire from day one. You've always been strong-willed. You know what you want and don't settle for anything less, but you definitely have a softer-side. You give fantastic hugs, slobbery kisses and you tell the best secrets. After Christmas shopping with Daddy you came home and announced all your secrets. You said, "I am never going to tell Mommy that I bought her a candle! Cause it's a surprise!" When we laughed, you smiled and said, "It's a red candle and it smells yummy! and it's a secret!" Often you whisper secrets in my ear like, "Should we make cookies?" or "The Force is strong with you." I always love when you will sit on my lap and talk to me because it's few and far between. I'll take whatever I can get.

It's amazing that you could make us laugh from such a tiny age. At six months old, you understood what it meant to be funny. If you saw that your brothers were giggling at something you did, even if it was something you did by accident, you would continue to do it over and over and over until everyone was worn out. You still exhaust us... and we feel so lucky to be part of your audience. This past year has been enlightening because your sense of humor has progressed from silly facial expressions to full-blown conversation and it's truly entertaining. You use phrases that are waaay too mature for your three year old body. But then again, you have always thought you were older than you actually are. Last week, while driving (meaning I was behind the wheel, not you) you looked out the window and shouted, "Hey! There's Toys R Us! Let's check it out!" And because it got a laugh, you've said the phrase "check it out" a hundred times since!

Your love for your brothers shows in everything you do. You have always felt a part of the crowd. The day you were born, Ben and Luke were so excited to touch every part of your body, and basically, they were poking your eyes out. It didn't bother you one bit... it was almost as if you were saying, "I knew what I was getting myself into." Over the years, you and your brothers have become quite the threesome. You have never wanted to do little toddler things. Your favorite movies are the ones Ben and Luke love. You can keep up with any conversation on Star Wars and it's amazing you recognize the characters the way you do! I will have to capture it on video before you move onto your next phase. The other day, you came up from behind me while I was folding laundry. You put your light saber to my throat and said in the deepest voice possible, "Join the DARK SIDE." When I told you I would never join, you responded, "Then you must be destroyed." And we both laughed.

You are everyone's buddy. You will pick someone for the day (or hour) and grab their hand while saying, "Do you want to be buddies? Then let's play something together." You enter the room expecting the spotlight and you usually get it. If you can't get my attention right away, you'll say, something like, "Hey, Babe!" cause you know it will get me to laugh. On occasion, by Dad's prompting, you will say, "Watcha doing, sexy?" Daddy is determined to raise perverts, obviously.

I am not going to deny the fact that you make messes like it's going out of style! We used to call you the baby tornado because wherever you were, it was a disaster zone. You are busy and very sneaky.. and that combination has made my blood boil. But there is enough reason to keep you around! You're creativity is really incredible. You have always been an artist. It's just too bad that most of that artwork has been on our walls and we've had to paint over them :( Lately, you are obsessed with drawing the perfect circle and we love to hear you say, "Look at this circle.. it's so cool!" We're not sure which word is "circle" and which is "so cool" cause they sound exactly the same. But honestly, your circles are so cool.. I am sure way beyond most three-year-old's capabilities! Who knew you were an overachiever?

I am grateful for the time that I have with you and for what you have taught me in your short life. Our family would feel such a void without your charisma and charm, Zacky. My wish for you is to love the life you live, have passion for the things you do, and develop into the man you were destined to become.. (either that or become a Jedi knight. It's a toss up..) I can't wait to see what you have to offer the world. You have already brought so much happiness to ours.

Happy Birthday, son. I'm so glad you're mine.

Mom

comments off

Janet Almighty

I've mentioned before that I have vivid dreams. It's a rare occasion to wake up without remembering what I dreamed about the night before. Most of the time, they're bizarre and off the wall. I usually wake up wanting to talk to Aaron about them, but after 8 years of marriage, I know he is rather tired of hearing about my dreams... unless it involves the two of us with our clothes off. Don't worry, I write those on my other blog. But I had a FABULOUS dream last night. Wanna hear about it?

Aaron and I were in the doctor's office together, both feeling frustrated at our inability to have a baby. The doctor walks in the door and announces that there's no way that I will be able to carry a child... He explains that my body has downloaded a corrupted file and is no longer in service. We were devastated... until the Doc says that he's figured out a way to get the fertilized egg inside AARON! He had never performed a procedure like this on any other couple, but he had a feeling that it would work for us. We went home and talked about it and came to the conclusion that if this was the only way, we would be willing.. (don't know HOW I talked my husband into that one!)

Over the next few months I watched Aaron throw up, get fat, ride the hormonal rollercoaster and grow a cute pregnant tummy. It was AWESOME! I remember feeling so happy... not just because we were having a baby but because Aaron was FINALLY holding the short end of the stick. I loved every thing about his misery. Late into the pregnancy, we went on a date and I smiled as I watched Aaron struggle to get his seat belt around his enormous belly. And then when it was time to get out of the car, he just couldn't seem to manage to pull his fat butt out of the seat, no matter how much he grunted. I just stood outside his door, pointed my finger and laughed at him (something that actually happened just weeks before Ben was born, only Aaron was the one pointing the finger.)

When labor hit... oh BOY! It was good. It was better than the best Baby Story you've ever seen... and probably scarier than a horror film. He was such a woos! He cried and squeezed my hand and begged for ice chips. It really was a wonderfully rewarding dream. I woke up before the baby was born. I spent the rest of the day thinking about how unfair women have it. I mean, really.... Eve was SERIOUSLY cursed when she took a bite out of that apple. Don't you ever wish that for a minute, you could be God and switch things up a bit? I realize it's pretty sacrilegious to think such things, but find myself constantly saying, "If I was God, I would do ________ differently."

For instance: Why do teeth have to be such a bother? It's completely unfair that babies have to suffer so much when they're growing in. They cry, slobber, get fevers, have runny noses.... I just don't see why it has to be painful. It doesn't hurt when fingernails or hair grow. What is the deal with teeth? And why can't they be made of something that doesn't get cavities. I mean, there are such substances out there.. If I was God, I would give everyone beautiful sets of porcelain teeth.... or maybe diamonds! No more flossing, no more root canals. Geez. Don't we have enough to worry about? And I realize that by making this little change, many dentists would be out of jobs. But is that my problem? No.

And why do we have to have so much hair? Hair on the head is okay.. but why everywhere else? As humans we spend so much time SHAVING! It's just so annoying. Name one good reason we have armpit hair. Just one. And this is a curse for both sexes. I really feel for men who have to shave their face everyday. That would totally suck. But if you think shaving your face balances giving birth to a child, think again.

Lastly. Why is it mysterious WHEN a woman is ovulating? It shouldn't be so complicated. If I was God, I would make it very clear and simple. None of this "two weeks after your cycle" crap. Why can't you ovulate during your period? Women who don't want to get pregnant wouldn't have sex during that time... and women who want a baby would know EXACTLY when to do the deed. Simple. No more teenage pregnancies or unwanted babies. Why does God allow young, careless kids the opportunity to have a child when other mature loving couples can't conceive? I love the whole adoption process and commend those brave, selfless women who place their children with a loving couple who can raise their child. It's an incredible process. But then there's those moms who keep their kids and do a sucky job of raising them. Why can't they be the infertile ones?

I thought God was like a genius or something. Maybe I will shoot him an email with my ideas. Before I do, is there anything you want to add to the list? It's now or never people.

listerine

Did anyone else think that the famous "Glycerine" song by Bush was actually about mouthwash? Anyone? Oh. Um. Neither did I.


On Christmas Eve I had to run to Walmart to get a couple of last minute items. It was getting late and I was in a hurry. On the way into the store, a woman stopped me and asked for help. Someone had stolen her welfare check and she had no money to buy food for her kids. She had four children and supposedly they were starving for dinner. She looked pretty pathetic, so I gave her $10 and wished her a Merry Christmas.

I ran into the store and quickly got what I needed. While paying for my items, I noticed that she was at the check stand next to me. Of course, I made sure to peek atwhat she was purchasing with the money I gave her. Do you want to guess what she bought? Not a rotisserie chicken. Not a few boxes of macaroni and cheese. Nope. Instead she had two big bottles of Listerine. Either her kids had really bad breath or she was getting drunk on the stuff..

Have you ever heard of people drinking Listerine for it's alcohol content? If you do the research, it's 26.9% alcohol and although it sounds crazy, lots of people are using it. I am not going to give you a report here, but what I read is that it's easy and cheap for people to buy...as far as I know, the clerk doesn't ask for ID when you purchase mouthwash. If you want to read more, do a Google search on getting drunk off Listerine. You'll be surprised at what you find... For instance, I found the following question rather entertaining. It was posted on this message board two weeks ago---

• if i freeze listerine do you think the alcohol would get to the top and itd be safe to drink? im not gonna do it im just wondering if it works. and how sick would you get if you drink it?
  

Three years ago, while Aaron was interning for an attorney in St. George, UT, he attended a hearing of a man who was abusing mouthwash. He was a clean-cut young guy with an expecting wife. He kept using LDS jargon like "ecclesiastical leaders" etc.. and it was apparent that he was trying hard to quit. The judge was very lenient and told him that the only reason he wasn't putting him in jail was because he had a wife and soon-to-be child that needed him home. He was probably in trouble because of a DUI and had some serious penalties like a year probation and six months of breathing into a breathalyzer before he went to bed. I am really not trying to be disrespectful, because issues like this are not funny. But DUDE! He had to breath into a breathalyzer EVERY night to make sure he wasn't abusing his favorite brand of MOUTHWASH. I mean, how messed up does it get?

When I saw the woman with the Listerine, I almost said something to her like, "Give me my money back ugly lady." But then I was afraid that maybe she really did have a serious case of halitosis, so I decided to embrace the Christmas Spirit and let it slide. I walked out to my car hoping that she didn't have starving children at home who were going to be devastated with her purchase at the store. After I laughed it off with Aaron, I forgot about it... until this weekend. Oh yes, the story gets better, people.

This past Friday, our family was in a parking lot very close to the local Walmart. We were buckling the kids in the car when a minivan (much nicer than ours, btw) pulled up behind us and rolled down their windows. The woman in the driver's seat started talking to my husband while I was attending to the kids, but I could hear the conversation very clearly, "Hi. I am really sorry to bother you, but my welfare check was stolen this afternoon and I am in desperate need of a few dollars so I can feed my kids. I don't have any dinner for them and I was wondering if you could help me out."

Aaron said something polite to her like, "Let me see if my wife has any cash on her." He came over the car and I about flipped out. I marched over to her van, put my hands on my waist, tilted my head so she could see my oh-no-you-did-not! face and said, "There is NO way I am giving you money tonight. No chance." She looked puzzled... and then I said, "Do you remember me from a few weeks ago? You approached me on Christmas Eve at Walmart and I gave you $10 to buy dinner for your kids. Do you remember what you bought with that money?" She still didn't say a word... so I answered for her. "You bought two bottles of LISTERINE with the money I gave you." Then she started to speak up. She said over and over, "No, maam. That wasn't me. You have me confused with someone else." I responded, "No.. I remember you very clearly." And then she gave the punchline, "I don't even drink Listerine!"

Really? That's interesting because NO ONE DRINKS LISTERINE! I wasn't accusing her of DRINKING it, but apparently she felt like confessing.

On the drive home Aaron and I couldn't stop laughing. Seriously, what are the chances? Was she in need of a good scolding so God sent her in my direction? Or did I fail the charity test? Who knows. Aaron and I laughed because although I seem like a very nice person, if you cross me, I am not afraid to dish IT out. I bet she drove away thinking, "I need to stay away from that mean lady." I hope so anyway, because if I hear her sad story about her wallet getting stolen and her hungry kids, someone will have to hold me back! From now on, my rule of thumb is to stay away from beggars with extremely good breath.

ps. Next intervention is going to be a mouthwash addict. You just wait. Do they have interventions for people addicted to the show Intervention? I am a total addict. If I watch the first 20 seconds, I am hooked. I need to get rid of my cable so I don't watch anymore.. Oy.

the sun comes up and we start again....

I stayed up until 3 am last night/this morning working on my blog book. The house was asleep, I was curled up in a blanket and I was listening to my favorite music. As I finished editing the month of January (yeah, that's how much work I still have to do!) I couldn't believe how much my kids have grown in a year. Not just in the way they look, but in what they are saying and how they think. It's really amazing, life is. When I was placing pictures of myself or reading the things I wrote, I couldn't help but think that I have grown so much too... in every way possible. I started thinking about myself last year at this time, wondering what I would say to her. Something like, "As hard as you try, you're not going to accomplish all the things you want to" would probably be appropriate. I felt like I spent most of my time last year focusing on things that were out of reach. And then I found myself at the beginning of 2009 feeling really frustrated or incapable. And that's really not a good place to be.

So, here I am, in January of 2009 trying to figure out WHAT I want out of the coming year. I have really battled with New Years Resolutions. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have PLENTY to work on. It's just that I don't really feel like making a list of goals to follow... because I know those "rules" will make me feel like a failure come March (or sooner.) I just feel like resolutions make me focus so much on the future that I am not taking the time to appreciate the present. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me... at least it did at 3 am. While I was sitting there last night, I kept repeating a song over and over and over. And I decided it will be the theme for my coming year. And appropriately, it's from Mason Jennings' Boneclouds, the CD I referred to in my previous post... whoa.

So, the song is the first track entitled BE HERE NOW. I have heard this song probably 100 times without it really hitting home for me. I don't know what it was about last night.. maybe just immersing myself in pictures of my family (the love of my life, no doubt about it.) Anyway, if you want to listen to the song, it's now the first song on my playlist, and I would suggest you read the lyrics while you listen...

Be here now, no other place to be
Or just sit there dreaming of how life would be
If we were somewhere better
Somewhere far away from all all worries
Well, here we are

You are the love of my life

Be here now, no other place to be
All the doubts that linger, just set them free
And let good things happen
And let the future come into each moment
Like a rising sun

You are the love of my life
Yeah, you know you are

Sun comes up and we start again

It's all new today
All we have to say
Is be here now

Be here now, no other place to be
This whole world keeps changing, come change with me
Everything that's happened
All that's yet to come
Is here inside this moment
It's the only one

You are the love of my life
Yeah, you know you are

Sun comes up and we start again

It's all new today
All we have to say
Is be here now

Of course, this may be powerful for me in my life and may have no relation to what you are going through, but it's my theme song for 2009 for many reasons. Everything I have learned from the past and all that I look forward to in the future is wrapped up in the HERE AND NOW. In this moment. I won't get it back and if I am not present, it will pass me by. Many of you know that our family is going through a hard time (I will probably fill the rest of you in later) but I know that our struggles make us strong. They shape us and build our character. If you spend your time wondering WHY or HOW LONG then you won't be able to learn the lesson for the moment.. or enjoy your loved ones while they are around.

I have been so immensly blessed. I am surrounded by people I love. I have the freedom to be myself and I need to love everything about me.. the way I am. 2009 will be a year of acceptance. If I don't get my TO DO list checked off today, the sun will come up tomorrow and I will start again. I hope that in 2009 I can let GOOD things happen and be present for the little moments that will make up my future. Here's to the here and now. I am going to go and BE with the loves of my life... they really want to eat breakfast...

doing the macarena the way it should be done...

After watching a funny toothfairy video on my bomshell of a SIL's blog, I thought I would share mine. I saw this a couple of years ago on America's Funniest Home Videos and still think about it all the time... especially when I am making my kids do something they they really don't want to do..."This is the LAST time!" Anyway, this isn't the best copy, but you can still appreciate his little fat rolls. What I wouldn't give for one of my boys to look THAT adorable in a speedo. ohh... he's just so cute!

have I mentioned how much I love YouTube? All you have to do is google a few words and you have the best of AFV at your fingertips. Do you have a favorite funny clip? This video takes a close second to the Charlie Bit Me video.

The LAST thing I said to my kids before they fell asleep was the following:

"He is on the top bunk because you can't keep your hands to yourself. Maybe if you will decide NOT TO PUNCH HIM IN THE WIENER he would want to sleep next to you!"

Three cheers for little boys!

proof of Ben's UGLY stage

talking butts

I know I said I was on a blogging break, but I just have to take a minute and talk about the F-word. Not that one, the one that rhymes with dart and heart. Yeah, I'm really gonna go there. I don't know what you call it in your family, but FART was a bad word for my husband and the household he grew up in. We never really had an official meeting of what we were going to call it with our kids, I personally don't think FART is a bad word, but don't tell my mother-in-law that I said that.

When we were first married, my husband and I were visiting my beloved grandma Roma. She was getting up from her chair and walking into the kitchen... While she was making her way across the room, she was passing gas every time she moved! She turned around after the 20th fart and said in a very charismatic way, "Oooh. Was that me?" We all laughed, including Roma. Over the years, Aaron and I have repeated that line many times (and believe me, it's hilarious coming from Aaron with his Roma impersonation...)

Since our kids have been around, we haven't really had one word that stuck. I have heard my nieces and nephews say, "I laid a stinker egg" and I think that's just down right disgusting... especially when it becomes a visual object... gross! Other terms like "tooting" "breaking wind" or "cutting the cheese" just don't seem to jive with our family vocab. I don't know.. it's a tricky subject when you're raising boys who were basically nursing babies with potty-mouths.

I wouldn't say that Aaron and I have tried to avoid the word FART, but since our boys have been little, each time they passed gas, instead of saying what actually happened, Aaron and I would say something like, "Hey! What was THAT?" At first, I think it was a good solution because we didn't ignore the fact that a sound was made, but we also didn't teach them a term we didn't feel right about (because we still really don't agree what to call it!) For a while, asking a question like, "What was that I heard?" was working for us. But then our kids started to talk. And pretty soon, they realized that their butts were talking, too. Every time we asked them, "What was that?" their natural reaction was that their butt had a personality of it's own. Ben, from a very young age would exclaim that his butt said "BOING!" And that was just completely hilarious, especially coming from a two year old.. How could we NOT ask what his butt said after a response like BOING? Out of all the words to choose...

And now that we have Zack (who is the self-proclaimed family comedian) talking butts have taken over our family conversations. The kid farts all the time and he always says, "THAT WAS MY BUTT!" Sometimes if he feels like being polite, he will say, "That was my bum!" Every time he says that, we reply, "Really? What did it say?" And he will think of something new... it's actually a very funny and entertaining game. Last week, his butt said several different things, such as,
"You better be nice!"

"I don't like picking up Legos."

and the hilarious "I am REALLY hungry!"

The other day, when I asked him what I heard, he responded with, "I don't know, Mom. My butt wasn't talking to me. It was talking to YOU!" Of course, that got a round of applause from his older brothers. Our original plot to keep our kids from saying vulgar things has completely backfired.... (no pun intended, seriously.)

Part of me thinks we should have gone with FART all along and wasted the trouble. I mean, that's what kids say anyway, isn't it? My boys are nerdy enough as it is, so I just KNOW (that if I ever did send them to school) they would get beat up at the playground if they ever said "my body just flatulated." And it's not exactly like FART is a BAD word.. It is what it is and we might as well accept it, no?

Well, we have. We have finally fully embraced it. Due to recent Halloween events, Zack has fallen in love with Smarties. Only, he doesn't really pronounce the "SM" sound. Instead of saying, "This is small" He says, "This is Fall." The other day, he told me to "Fell the candle because it fells like strawberries." And so naturally, he calls his favorite candies "FARTIES" Ben and Luke love his interpretation and try to get him to say it all the time, and they want him to say it in full sentences. Now they have this game where they pick up pretend Smarties off the table and say, "Oh, I want to eat a Farty!" Then they pick it up and as soon as it hits their mouth, they make little tooting sounds. As a mother, I should be appalled, but the truth is, even after the 100th time of seeing them do it, it still makes me laugh.

So, let's take a poll. What word does your family use and why? Don't be shy, here. I know there are lots of you out there reading who haven't exactly introduced yourself. If you don't comment on the FART post, when will you ever be able to comment? Come on, use the anonymous tab if you must. We may just find a better term that suits us better than FARTY... but then again, it's kind of grown on me.

Happy New Year to you... Happy 500th post to me

What are the chances that my 500th post would happen on New Years Day? I guess when you're an incredibly fabulous person, amazing things happen to you when you least expect it. I am so overwhelmed with emotion that I don't know what to say.... that's a first.

Blogging is a big part of my life. As wonderful as it is to keep in touch with so many loved ones (and some others that I've never actually met) the purpose of it all was to journal my year. Out of 365 days in 2008, I wrote 313 blog entries. Not too shabby. To reward myself, I am going to take a break and get liposuction spend my extra time organizing my 2008 hardbound blog book. Wish me luck and keep the new blog titles coming my way. I am still on the hunt. America's Next Top Blogger just doesn't seem to fit.

Reviewing the last 12 months of pictures and entries has been an adventure for me. To put it lightly, 2008 was a year of personal struggles. I would not want to go back for anything, but I am sure I have gained something (other than a solid 20 pounds. ugh.) I have been very busy, but it's hard to see where the progress has been made. I realize that I spent a lot of time moving and getting settled in our new house, but I've slacked on homeschool like never before and there's no excuse for that. Even though I fill my days with GOOD stuff, it seems like I never have time for the things that are most important. I hope that 2009 will be a year where I stick the basics and find happiness in the mundane joys of everyday life.

Before I sign off for my blogging vaca, I just want to leave you with a conversation Ben and Luke had while our family celebrated New Year's day eating lunch at a local restaurant. It went a little like this:

Ben: Can you believe it's already 2009? I cannot believe it is.

Luke: I know, it's like the end of the world or something. Jesus could maybe even come tomorrow.

Ben: If Jesus came tomorrow, it would be...like... he coolest day EVER!

Luke: Why?

Ben: Cause, we could see Jesus, our Transformer book will be ready to pick up at the library AND it's gonna be a new episode of Star Wars clone wars on cartoon network.

Luke: Whoa! I can't wait for ALL that!

May we all look to the future with high hopes and get excited about the BIG and little things.

I'm sure 2009 has a lot of good things to offer... it better, anyway.