not this cute anymore!
Before I went to bed last night, I read an article from the Wall Street Journal written by a professor at Yale Law School on why Chinese (ie. super-crazy-discipline-nazi) parents are better than Western (super-lazy-pushover) parents. It's a lengthy article, but worth the read if you have the time.
Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior
My father-in-law sent the link to me wanting to know my opinion. At first, I was completely turned off to the author's style... I pride myself as an extreme Western softy. Not only do I encourage my children to pursue their interests and desires, but I keep them OUT of the public school system because I want them to understand that learning is fun. I believe the less we pressure our children into performing for others, the more able they are to recognize their individual passions and discover their God-given talents. I found the author's abrasiveness and coercion borderline abusive. I went to bed feeling confident in my parenting style. How terrible would it be for my children to be raised by that mean, Yale-teaching, Chinese dictator?
Then I woke up around 1:00 in the morning... and got to thinking that she might have a point. And then I couldn't go back to sleep. Is my lackadaisical parenting style setting my children up for failure? What if I am robbing my children from opportunities to achieve and succeed in areas they would never have chosen for themselves..?
Discipline and rules can be a very good thing. The church I belong to is not casual or laid-back about the "guidelines" their members should uphold. This article would suggest that Mormons are successful because they are strict and fervent. LDS missionaries are trained in a grueling environment. They are not allowed to make any decisions for themselves-- they are assigned a companion and told when to eat, sleep, study etc. Their day is 12 hours of hard work-- without tv, music, or outside distractions- including any kind of contact with their families besides a weekly letter. What is the result? Young men who are disciplined, hard-working and often fluent in another language... this all in a few short months.
I spent the majority of the night conflicted. How do I want to raise my boys? What will give them the best opportunity for a bright, successful future? Will they be happier when they are allowed to do whatever they want or should I MAKE them work hard and achieve things that would never be possible if they were making their own decisions? Do you raise confident (successful) children by being strict?
Anyone interested in discussing?
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
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16 comments:
I am definitely no expert....but I think maybe the trick is to provide them with enough rules and structure to give them some direction, and at the same time allowing them the freedom to explore who they are and what they are interested in. Kind of a balance of both philosophies. I have always heard that if you are TOO strict kids just want to rebel. I feel like it's my job to give my kids a good foundation and guidance but to allow them to make mistakes and decisions for themselves, too. Does that make sense? Like I said, I am definitely no expert; my kids are 14, 11, and 7 and I feel like I am learning how to do all this as we go along together!
Janet, you know what your boys respond to. God wants you to use your strengths to raise them and you are doing exactly that. You can worry and worry over it forever...(believe me, I do too, but that's what us moms do.)
I guess it depends on what your definition of successful is. This author feels her kids are successful because they get straight A's, are accomplished at the piano and the violin and spend hours and hours a day on all of those things. Good for her. My goal is to raise successful kids too - sons who serve a mission, marry in the temple, are great dads. Who are compassionate, loving and serve others. Who follow the example of our Savior. Who are intelligent and hard-working but find enjoyment in life as well. I don't know that one is better than the other...they're just different.
Interesting article. Thanks for sharing it. I do have to agree with her that Western parents are too laid-back. The majority are. But that's a whole other discussion. :)
I believe she's defining successful as doing something greater than your expectations, and feeling accomplished and happy through those achievements.
if we want to train our sons to go on missions and marry in the temple, we are raising them by a very strict standard. Some would classify it as "scheming" and will take away the child's decision to explore. We are in very similar manner, trying to set them up for a "happy" life, under our own definition-- not the child's.
and discussion about laid-back Westerners TOTALLY fits in with this topic. That's what the article is about. She's criticizing us for not parenting correctly. Please share your thoughts!
That is such an interesting article. I think (as already stated) you need to find a balance. Their is a time to have fun and a time to be serious and sit still and listen.
I have seen the effects of people who are home schooled with out much structure. College is hard. They get to College and don't know how to get things in on time and figure out a study schedule. I have also seen the effects of home schooling with structure and it is amazing how well they do better then kids who go to public school.
I have also seen the effects of too much structure at school and not enough. It is a hard balance to find.
I have often thought of homeschooling my kids. I love having them home and was sad to send them back after Christmas. But I know right now they are better off at school. The have needs I can't meet and I am not the person I need to be to homeschool them. I am working on it.
I found that article fascinating. I think that the fundamental difference is where value is placed. Asian culture puts very high marks on academic acheivement and high marks in skills that are strictly taught. American culture is more about freedom. We value independent thinkers, hard workers, and creativity. I believe firmly that we must push our kids in certain things. She is right that they don't know it's fun until they succeed. BUT--I believe that we only do that with the few pivotal skills that will enable them to think clearly and effectively on their own. I really don't care if my kid can regurgitate what they are told better than anyone else (which, in my opinion, is what a straight A student does). I care that they can come up with their own ideas, and distill truths from their own thought processes and observations. I believe that is lasting happiness, and that is agency!
I read that article yesterday too! A college professor of mine posted it and referenced her own childhood (she's Asian). The more I thought about the article the more I accepted my current parenting style. We are strict in this household but I (being the main caregiver) don't enforce rules by verbally abusing my children. I don't want them to be verbally abusive to their friends and spouses so telling them they're lazy, or that I will withhold food is not in my game plan. But I do expect things of my children. We have household rules and I expect them to do as I say. Also, as Kristen said you have to define success for your kids and your family. In another article I read there was a discussion of suicide rates for young girls of both cultures and "Asian American women, ages 15-24 and over 65, have the highest female suicide rates across all racial/ethnic groups...and family pressures are often cited as factors". In my book these statistics would imply being strict is not all that successful, at least for the females.
And furthermore I think the biggest problem with Western parents is that there are no family bonds. Either they're never around due to work or they put them in multiple after-school programs, buy them video games, movies and countless toys all the while never scheduling undistracted family time. At least the abusive Chinese mothers are giving their kids their undivided attention. That might be the only reason why that parenting style kinda works...sometimes.
I wrote this blog post before I read any of the comments on the original article... and there are thousands. The few that I did read were very critical of her parenting style.. many were children raised by "chinese" parents who said they hated their childhood..
very interesting. looks like this article has caused a lot of buzz all over the internet... all of the sudden, it's everywhere. Did anybody see her on the today show?
Interesting article. I'll have to jump over and read some of the comments. I think my reaction was similar to yours-- I find it abrasive, and disagree with a lot of what she says.
I agree with Autumn-- the problem with a lot of Western families is not because we aren't strict enough, but because we aren't connected with each other in meaningful ways-- we're plugged in and engaged in meaningless pursuits that don't bring fulfillment.
I do like the parallel you draw though between an LDS upbringing and this Asian mother article. In many ways I'm grateful for my church membership and the structure that it gives to my life. But I have never been belittled or demeaned in my LDS upbringing. I felt loved even when I've made mistakes. I guess I feel it just gave me the foundation that I could build upon (through my own free will). I think that's what a good parent should do-- set a solid foundation for their children.
hey janet, saw your post of facebook...decided to comment here since i'm probably one of the few people on here that actually had a chinese mom :). i consider myself lucky because i only had to learn one instrument...but seriously, i remember hating to practice violin. my parents made me practice before school and after school. i would always try to get out of it. then, around high school, i started to really like it. my parents only ever made me practice 1 hour a day. i started practicing 3 hours a day. then, during summer, i practiced 7 hours a day. i'm so glad they made me stick to it. i don't think i would have if i got to choose what i wanted to do. i think i'd be pretty sad if i had missed out on the opportunity to get to the point where i really loved playing and where i finally got really good.
as far as academics go, i don't really remember my parents pressuring me to get good grades, but i also don't remember having trouble getting good grades in school either. what i do remember is my mom teaching me stuff and going over stuff with me after school all the time. my dad also spent quite a bit of time with me, mostly in math.
one of the things that motivated when i was younger was competition. it wasn't necessarily that i wanted to be better than everyone, it was more like if so and so can get a perfect score on that test, so can i.
so now, with my own kids, i'm kind of confused as what i should be doing to help them succeed in life, both academically and in the church. i don't really care if they're better than everyone else, but i would like them to do relatively well and wouldn't mind if they did better than i did. i know i definitely don't want to be a terrible dictator like the author. one thing that i do and will continue to do is spend lots of time helping my kids with homework and teaching them stuff after school. there's no reason i would have to be mean to do this. when they start playing musical instruments or some other extracurricular activity, i want to push them along so they don't quit before they get to the point where they can realize they actually like it. i also want to take every opportunity to teach them gospel principles and encourage them to serve missions, marry in the temple, etc. one thing i will not do is to not have any expectations for them or let them believe that they can just do whatever they want whenever they want.
i think the thing that's important to realize is that how you raise a kid is different depending on the kid. i know i can push one kid in one thing but i can't do push another kid the same way.
so, i'm trying a bunch of different things. hopefully, one of those things will work out!
Alma-- so good to hear from you! I thought about you and your violin playing last night when I read this article. I love your insight.
I think the article was probably a true testament of the author's parenting style, but was written in a way that would provoke people into talking about it. It's drastic and extreme and that's exactly what sells a book. But I thought she was fair. I really think I learned a lot from her and believe she said it best at the end of the article... we ALL want what's best for our kids and have different ways of going about it. Some are more "successful" than others, but success is a relative term. Hope things are going well for your and your kids! I am sure they will turn out much smarter than the rest of ours! We miss you in Vegas!
we miss vegas a lot! my kids are always asking when we can back. um...your kids are super smart! last i remember, luke was about a year away from getting his PhD, right? :) one thing i think the author was "successful" at doing was getting lots and lots of people to read and talk about her article. hope you guys are doing well too!
I think the article is horrifying! Calling your children names and yelling at them?!
I dated a Chinese guy for a year and a half when I was in college. He got a perfect score on the SAT and was Valedictorian, and now has a PhD from Yale, but he was an extremely unhappy person who hated his parents.
I guess you could say that he was/ is stereotypically successful, but he's also kind of miserable. I'd rather my kids be happy than #1 any day.
I couldn't agree MORE with Adrienne's comment above (Haws family). Everything she said is right on, in my humble opinion.
The conclusion I have come to is that happiness and success are relative. If someone is raised to value education and study, they will probably feel happy and successful when they become education after extensive study. They may not seem happy or successful to US, but that's because we have a different view on what happiness/success is.
I learned a lot from reading this article (and thinking about my parenting style) and I believe there IS a middle-ground. I want to give my children ample time to explore their interests-- things that THEY find fun and enjoyable. At the same time, I need to expose them to things they never would have thought of on their own. AND I want to pick one or two things that they MUST do, whether they like it or not. A musical instrument is a great way to enforce discipline and instill a sense of self-confidence (not to mention help them academically and spiritually). I am also going to try to be really mean for at least two hours EVERY day....
I really hate when I hear people say that something is all about "balance", so I'm not going to say it. What I will say is that I think there are worthwhile things to be gleaned from each parenting type, if we're willing to look for them, and those worthwhile things will be different for each family. I'm really learning that there are very few absolute rights and wrongs when it comes to parenting (abuse, neglect and the like excepted). It's so much about instinct and inspiration and trial and error and sometimes being open to stepping back for a minute and realizing that maybe I'm wrong or maybe something isn't working like I'd hoped and being able to ask for advice and help from others and then try something new. And then praying that my kids will turn out okay anyway.
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