rewards and punishments

I've had the same question asked over and over this past week, so I want to write up a quick post on the blog today.  It's a continuation of the discipline-free post and addresses rewards and punishments.

I still don't believe in discipline.  I don't think it works.  But I highly believe in consequences, just not the kind that parents give.  Consequences are the natural result of an action or situation, it's not something you can create for bad behavior.  But so many times parents create a made-up rewards or punishment system instead of allowing the child to feel the consequences of their choices.  And the real life lessons come from a real situation (not one that the parent creates.)  So my advice for this is to evaluate why you feel the need to discipline and ask yourself, if in fact, you are creating a punishment instead.  Punishment is a tough word for parents to admit to, but IF you're grounding, or giving more chores, or no dessert, or a "consequence" for a bad behavior, 9 times out of 10, its a punishment.  If your child were to get that result or lesson without you being there to enforce it, then it's a natural consequence for their action and it's a lesson they need and must learn before they leave the house.

So many times parents will punish to teach a lesson, but then shield their children from the actual consequences of what they need to learn.  I think its one of the hardest things for us to do as parents, watch our children learn a tough lesson, so we step in and try to rescue.  When instead, if we allowed the natural consequences to occur, our children will learn much quicker and will be more responsible and accountable to themselves.  And ultimately, that's what we want.  We don't really want them to "obey" or "follow the rules" we want them to develop real skills in the real world and to make tough choices because they have the confidence and experience.  So, if you feel like you are stepping in and rescuing, ask if you're in fact shielding them from an important life lesson.  If they forget their homework or coat, let them get the bad grade or be cold at recess.. they will remember next time! If they don't sell enough for a fund-raiser, let them work it out with their coach and be accountable.  If they spill, don't scold them, just hand them a towel and help them clean it up.  These are NOT punishments but life lessons with consequences that teach them powerful lessons.  As parents, its our job to get out of the way and stand behind the child.  Be there for them when they need us, but not to interfere with what life is naturally teaching them.  (obviously, there are a few times when you need to step in and that's when their life is in danger...)

So often, when a child is misbehaving, what they need is more attention and more love.  They are smart little people who are asking for you to notice them and listen to them.  So my advice is to lean into the "bad" behavior and find out what the child needs, face it head on and get in tune with what's happening.  Don't freak out, quiet down and pay attention.  The solution is always in connection.  So many times when I explain this to parents they say, "But I don't want to reward the bad behavior." My response is this: If you don't want to reward a bad behavior then ignore the behavior,. stop focusing on the behavior.. And start focusing on the child-- paying attention to them, look at their face.  Attention is never a reward.  You cannot spoil your child too much by listening to them.  You cannot get to a point where you are too in-tune with their needs.  Solutions come with connection, with finding the root of the problem and watering it.  You are not rewarding bad behavior, you are rewarding the child.  You are acknowledging them and rewarding them for being alive, for being in your family.  Do I believe in rewards?  Yes, I absolutely do, but not usually the kind a child has to "earn".  Rewards come naturally for good behavior too.  Those are also called consequences..  And you want your children to feel good for behaving well.  But it will be hard for them to behave well if they feel invisible.  

So, when a child is freaking out or making messes or just being an ultimate brat, give them more attention, find ways to connect with this child in a way that is meaningful to them. (This works for adults too!) Do not try to correct their bad behavior with a conversation or a scolding.  Bad behavior comes from a place of emptiness and insecurity.  So fill them up-- with good food or a date night away from the house or by building a puzzle together or just by cuddling up on their bed.  Let them vent, let them cry, let them be themselves and don't give suggestions or advice.  Just listen and be there for them.

We don't need to step up rules or charts or stickers or create consequences.  All we really need to do it get more in tune.  Remain calm and pay more attention to what is going on.  Children respond so well to authenticity.  They know when you are trying to control and when you are just there to watch and encourage.  Stop focusing on their behavior and start focusing on the people.  Avoid shielding them from natural consequences of their choices. Earn respect through connection.  As you respect your child and understand their feelings are valid and important, they will start listening to your advice and be able to develop respect for you.  If respect isn't there, it's probably because it's not mutual.  

Being a parent is the toughest job, but sometimes we make it more complicated than it needs to be.  Connection is easy when we stop freaking out.  Its so rewarding to have fun together and to listen and to discuss.  If you don't know what your child needs, pay more attention to what they are saying, they will usually tell you.  They are smart, amazing little people who are so aware of what's going on.  They are giving you what you're asking for!  So stop asking for bad behavior and start connecting. 

You can contact me at janetleeshumway@gmail.com if you have a situation you can't figure out.  I will be happy to help you find a solution!  Xoxo.

on confidence and courage and standing like a super-hero

One thing I want my kids to experience is the power of confidence.  I want them to develop humility too, but I really want them to believe in themselves and know that they can do ANYTHING they set their minds to achieve.  I want them to understand how uniquely POWERFUL they are!  Confidence can be built with positive words and affirmations (words matter!) but compliments shouldn't be conditional...  Pretty, smart, talented, athletic.. these can be shallow compliments and as parents we need to tell our children that they are special just by BEING THEMSELVES, not because they do something well.  It's not the outer shell or how talented they become, children shine just by breathing in and out.  They don't have to perform or act a certain way or dress up or even smell good.  They are so much more than what we can see.  So complimenting can get tricky.

The best way I know how to teach my children to be confident is to show them by example.  I still have so many areas I need to work on, but I do feel pretty comfortable in my own skin, even if I have things I want to improve about myself.. (in all of the conditional areas I mentioned above.. I need to lose weight, I need to develop more talents, I have so much more to learn, etc.) But when it comes to my essence, who I am inside, who I have always been, I am pretty freaking awesome.  And so is everyone else.

I may come across stuck-up to some people.  My writing might seem arrogant.  My sister is contantly telling me to stop bragging on social media.  But I don't see it that way.  I own my strengths and I believe that by sharing those strengths others feel more comfortable to do the same.  We are each powerful and have so much to learn from each other.  Let's own up to what we do well and not shy away from talking about it.  The thing is, I see myself as an amazing, powerful, limitless, eternal being.  And I see you the same way too.  If there is ever someone that bothers me for being "overly confident" or self-assured, it's probably because I am insecure in that area and want to become better.  Their strengths can inspire me, if I chose to become inspired.  Growth comes after feeling uncomfortable, if we allow ourselves to dive deep and figure out what we can learn from our feelings of inadequacy.  

I recently finished the book "Year of Yes" by Shonda Rhimes and it's so good.  At first, I wasn't so sure about it, but it didn't take me long to realize that Shonda and I are soul sisters.  She owns her power and I loved to hear her preach.  She dedicated an entire chapter to strong women and told a story about being at an awards ceremony honoring a room full of talent writers (including herself).  She noticed that each of these strong women would hide their face or shrug off their accomplishments when they were being recognized publicly.  Shonda felt uncomfortable too and then decided to ask what is WRONG with our society that we can't embrace our accomplishments?  Why can't we own our victories?  We need to start saying thank you after compliments!  It's okay to explain how hard you've worked when you've succeeded.  And even more importantly, it's powerful when you own up to a decision or choice that didn't turn out how everyone expected.  Courage is staying true to yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks about you or your choices.

This brings me to a recent decision Aaron and I made... and I didn't intend to spill the beans tonight, but why not?  We are moving BACK to Vegas in a couple of weeks.  WHUUT the heck are we doing?  We are following our hearts and doing what we want to do and what we feel is best for us.  Yes, we're crazy and maybe even stupid, but we don't think so.  We think we're pretty courageous and awesome.  We make tough decisions and we own those decisions.  Moving sucks, especially with kids.  But you know, we kind of needed to experience things first hand to get where we are.  Have the past 18 months sucked?  Totally.  But there has also been lots of lessons learned, lots of silver lining in the clouds, plenty of new friends, and a zillion memorable experiences.  We are going back with more confidence than we've ever had. WHY did we put ourselves through this?  Because we needed it, apparently.  We've taken EVERY move so seriously.  We've prayed our guts out, read our scriptures like never before, attended the temple, cried, questioned, wondered.. and you know, through it all, we've had very little peace or direction.  This was a new thing for us, not getting answers.  We're actually going on 2 years now (these questions were all being prayed about and debated before Eden was born... so it's been a while!)  And we're still in the middle of a mess, but it feels good to know that we haven't just sat around and waited.  We've acted and we've moved and we've uprooted and we've done hard things.  And I am proud of us.  We are rockstars, actually.  Tonight Aaron and I went to pick up boxes because packing has started and as we filled up our van, we laughed and joked around with each other.  We feel so bad about leaving our ward members and neighbors and MY FAMILY... there should be tears in every direction, but I don't feel sadness.  We aren't running from anything, we are trying to do the best thing for us.  Is Vegas best for us?  It feels like it is.  We need to house hunt (again) and move our kids into yet another new neighborhood and it sounds crazy, but oh well.  We will always have some good stories to laugh about when we're old and boring.  Life is full of adventure.

Not sure how announcing our move goes along with confidence and courage, but owning your decisions can be scary.  You don't have to know if it's 100% right to know that you are trying to do what's best for yourself.  You can be confident AND unsure.  Sometimes you have to fake it till you become it...  Watch this awesome TED talk and tell me what you think!!

Longer version here--

words matter

Hi.  I want to start out tonight by stating that I believe everyone is doing the best they can with the tools they have.  Raising children can be exhausting and hard and emotionally draining.  I hope this post (or my previous posts on parenting) doesn't come across as condescending or judgmental because I know what it's like to be down in the trenches.  But I also believe there is a lot of room for improvement and I am fighting for all kids everywhere.  They need and deserve better.  Tonight I am going to touch on the power of words... not just what we say to our children but what we think about them.  Words are so powerful that sometimes we don't even have to say them out loud for our message to be heard.  You can walk into a room and automatically KNOW how someone feels about you.

Let's start out with a clear picture of your child... the one you struggle with the most.  The one that gets on your nerves and pushes all your buttons.  Picture their darling face in your mind.

Now let's imagine that this child has a teacher at school or at church who says mean things to them.  This teacher tells your child that they are lazy, messy, moody, disrespectful, selfish, too shy, too loud, greedy, a follower, unmotivated. Imagine that this teacher said right to your child's face that they think she is a brat or that he cannot be trusted.  What would you DO if you actually heard this responsible adult say these words to your child... "What is wrong with you?" or "Stop being so annoying." or even "Please, go somewhere else.  I can't concentrate when you're around me."

Would you report this teacher to the principal?  Would you withdraw your child from the class?  Of course you would because those words are NOT acceptable in a classroom.  How can your child learn when their teacher doesn't like them or respect them?  How can your child possibly thrive when they feel like a loser, just by being themselves.  Unfortunately, some children have experienced this in a real way and have had teachers or grandparents or aunts or uncles or neighbors that don't like them.  My heart goes out to any child or parent who has been through this experience.

Now, let's talk about our role as a parent.  We are THE MOST IMPORTANT adult in our child's life.  What we say and think about them matters.  Our words are powerful.  Are we saying negative things to our precious children?  Are we telling them they are lazy?  Are we saying, right to their faces that we don't like their outfit or their hair or their dirty face?  Are we telling them they need to shower because they stink?  Do we tell them their room is messy and that they are a slob?  Do they feel that we are annoyed by them, just because they happen to be in the same room as us?  If so, let's change our words.

Words will build or destroy your child's self esteem.  Your voice plays out in their mind.  It becomes what they think of themselves.  Put yourself in their shoes and listen to your words.  Would you want someone controlling you or telling you how to do everything?  Sometimes when we give constructive criticism, all they actually hear is that they are doing things WRONG.. and that can be crushing for kids.  They want so badly to please us, even if they won't admit it.  They want to know that are important and valued.  They need to know that it's natural to make mistakes and it's always okay to be who they are.  Do not try to fix them.  Just love and encourage them and appreciate who they are.

There are very simple ways we can show our children they are accepted and welcome and wanted in our homes.  It doesn't take a lot of praise, it takes connection.  You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.  You can look at them and smile.  You can laugh at their jokes that make no sense.  You can listen to their story.  You can hold their hand or sit by them on the couch.  You can tell them how happy you are to be THEIR parent and explain why.  You can admire them for what they teach you, even if you feel those lessons are hard.  You can write them a letter or make them a special meal or take them out on a date.  You can go on a walk.  You can apologize for the mean things you've said in the past.  You can notice them when they walk in a room and bite your tongue when you want to give them instructions on what to do.  You can STOP correcting their behavior and just watch them move the quirky way they do.  You can tell them how amazing they are.  Tell them they are safe when you are around and that you have their back, no matter what.  Show them this by your example.  Stick up for them.  Be their cheerleader.

Words matter.  Watch what you say and what you think about your children.  When you start appreciating them for who they are and not for who you wish they were, they will want to be around you and want to connect with you.  All they want is to feel love and acceptance by you.

salt and pepper

I've wanted to do an update on each of my kids... and today I'm going to lump my two opposite boys together, only to annoy them.  Luke and Zack are different as different can be.  So many people are surprised when they learn these two are brothers because they look nothing alike.  They could not be more opposite in looks and in personality.  Luke is our resident introvert.  He is calm, collected, steady, organized, mature, composed.  Zack is extremely extroverted.  He's energetic, spastic, emotional, excited and chatty.  Luke is so much like his dad and Zack's personality is a lot like mine.  They hardly ever see eye-to-eye and don't mix well, like oil and water.  This makes us laugh because Aaron and I are so different for all the same reasons.  But there is so much beauty in their unique and individual personalities.

There could be more struggles in this relationship, if we saw them as struggles.  These boys absolutely could fight if a situation gets escalated.  There can be tension between them because they are so different.  Zack gets overly excited about everything and is naturally unorganized.  Luke knows where all things are at all times because his mind is quiet and he is aware.  He likes to play tricks on everyone in the house and sit back and watch others respond emotionally to the turmoil he's created. Zack becomes an easy target because he gives the biggest and most emotional response.

There are annoyances about each of these boys and the way they push each other's buttons, but those annoyances are also their strengths.  Luke's sense of humor is wildly hilarious, in a very quiet way and I never want to make him feel like he can't express himself.  It's not okay for him to hide Zack's things and watch him freak out when he can't find it (something that happens often) but it's also something they will laugh about later and it's good for Zack to learn life lessons about controlling his emotions when he can't find something.  I never want Zack to feel like he needs to stay composed or keep his emotions bottled up, just to keep the peace.  They are young and NOW is the time for them to freak out, if they need to.  We learn lessons together everyday and I want them to each feel free to express themselves in the way that they chose.  If that means Luke needs to prank people, we allow him to and laugh at his sense of humor.  If Zack needs to have melt downs and slam the doors, that's okay too.  After he calms down, we all have opportunities to talk about it and learn from each other.  That's what growing up is all about. 

A mistake that I made for years with Zack is ignoring him in his emotionally unstable state.  For a long time I would allow him to throw a tantrum, crawl into bed and fall asleep if he needed to.  I would not coddle or talk him out of it because I never wanted him to feel like I approved of that behavior, but it wasn't getting better.  His tantrums would become more frequent because no one was acknowledging his need to express himself.  Now, I see that I was wrong to ignore him when he needs me.  It's hard for me to "baby" him and talk him through his problems because I don't like to baby.  But I've seen that he responds better when I give him the one-on-one time to talk through his tantrum.  Sometimes he won't talk back, so I have to go down, lay by him and talk to him about how strong he is and give him the confidence to see that he's in control of his own attitude.  This works much better for us and even though it's not what I prefer, but I appreciate what he's taught me about connection.  It's not about how I want to parent, it's about what each child needs.  They are little geniuses about expressing themselves and usually when they are whining, complaining or sulking, they need a little more attention and love.  This is what Zack has taught me and I am so grateful for being emotionally aware.

Luke is my bud.  Sometimes I want to slug him for being so sly, but that's only because I'm jealous.  I admire his ability to be comfortable in his own skin.  He doesn't need approval from anyone, ever.  Lately he's been dressing weird.  I really don't usually worry about what the kids are wearing, but Luke can embarrass me in public (and that's saying a lot.)  He has these colorful girly checkered shorts that are too short and tight for him.  He likes them because they are odd and I have to bite my tongue when we go out.  Instead of telling him to change his clothes, I ask him if he's comfortable wearing it (and explain where we are going and sometimes maybe why he shouldn't feel comfortable :) but IF he replies that he's comfortable, I let it go.  He's a teenager and if this is one way he chooses to express himself, I am okay with that.  Today Luke's wearing the shorts I dislike, so I got them on video...

And about Simon's opera singing.  Simon picked up a new "hobby" about a month ago and we're all hoping it ends soon.  He sings opera all day.  While at the dinner table, he will sing when he needs food passed to him.  It's so annoying.  But it's a phase and I don't want him to shut down his love for opera just because we can't stand it.  The other day, I could feel my skin crawl with him singing and I wanted to tell him to SHUT.UP.  But I didn't.  Instead I imagined how sad I would be if he wasn't around.  I closed my eyes and pictured him dead.  and then I was flooded with gratitude for him and ALL of the sounds he was making.  He makes SO much noise and it can drive me crazy, but he's so much fun.  He says the most hilarious, amazing, confident things and I want him to continue to express himself the way he feels most comfortable.  Unfortunately (for us) he's chosen to sing in a high-pitched woman's voice.  There will come a day when I will miss that sound, so I am going to enjoy it while I can.   

Discipline-Free Parenting

I believe in raising responsible, happy children without discipline.  I parent without discipline and I teach others they can do the same, with amazing results.  It's not a laissez-faire parenting style that lets your kids run wild and behave however they want.  It's a very hands-on, fun, engaged approach where both you and your child behave without threatening, raising your voice, punishments or superiority.  I believe in communication and connection.  I believe in allowing your best person to show, all of the time.  Sometimes kids don't know how to be the best version of themselves and so as parents, we show them by our examples.  If we yell or fight or scream, we teach them that it's acceptable to behave poorly whenever they feel like it.  Parents don't realize they are the root of the problem and kids are misbehaving because they are responding to the negative energy they feel.  This energy can be changed.  We can flip our magnet from negative (which kids will repel and avoid) to positive (where kids listen, behave and want to obey!)  It's extremely powerful and exciting.

I don't believe in discipline because it doesn't work!  It might give you temporary results for a limited time, but it doesn't produce lasting positive behavior.  I don't believe discipline connects and unites.  If we punish in a way that keeps our children from being able to voice their opinion or feel comfortable coming to us with their point of view, then we pollute our relationship with negativity.  I don't believe you can raise responsible kids by forcing them to obey.

I believe in optimism, affection, synergy, teamwork, cohesiveness, listening with intent, and in finding solutions that produce real results.  I believe in building each other up, and I don't think discipline and punishment build anything valuable or worthwhile.  I don't think screaming or spanking or freaking out makes ANYONE feel good... not the parent or the child and I believe in creating as many opportunities that allow you to feel comfortable and validated.  Feeling welcome and needed in your own home is the most important gift we can give our children.  Communicating with real intent builds stronger relationships, deeper connections and it works!  It builds confidence in both individuals and in relationships.

I don't think it's hard for parents to stop yelling.  If you want to change, it will take about 2-3 weeks to stop.  Can you imagine a world where you ask your child to do something nicely and they happily obey?  Can you imagine your home without contention or frustration?  It can happen and it's easier than you think.  The reason why I believe it's easy is because it feels GOOD to connect with others.  It feels so much better than yelling.  It's actually quite simple when you have the right tools to stop and you'll see the difference in your children.  I stopped the bad habit of yelling and freaking out at my kids about eight years ago, on THIS DAY.  I have had very little negative interaction with my children since that experience and my house is full of busy, crazy kids.  Why did I stop so quickly? Because I felt the POWER of optimistic parenting and I want more experiences with my kids where we work together, laugh, overcome problems, create, make memories and grow as people together under the same house.  It feels SO good to see your kids for who they are and treat them with respect.  As we encourage them to be more like they are, they will stop annoying us and start behaving in ways that foster connection because they trust that they are safe around us.  If you have a strained connection in your life (with a child, spouse, family member or friend) and you don't know how to stop putting negative energy into that relationship, I'd love to help you realize how easy it is to cleanse it and start healing.  I am a parenting coach and I am really good at what I do.  Email me at janetleeshumway@gmail.com or text me at 702-485-0028. 

Xoxo.