the Conscious Creator

Reading is by far my favorite pasttime and over the years its evolved into writing in journals about what moves me. I love to write about what I read, but I don't usually share it.  And that's odd because I share everything, ya know?  I could get really deep about the reasons why I don't share, but I will just say that reading is so important to me that what I learn from the books I chose is kind of sacred and I will leave it at that.

I always have a book in my purse and usually other one on my nightstand.  Right now I am carrying around a biography of Albert Einstein and it's fabulous, but not a quick read.. I can handle it in quiet moments and believe it or not, quiet comes more frequently than you'd imagine.  I'm amazed at all of the spare moments that pop up in my life.  Sometimes my spare moments are created during Sunday School in the mothers lounge.  My current ward has no other babies and church is at 1pm.  Eden technically should be in the nursery, but it's her nap time.. so after sacrament meeting, she and I head into the mother's lounge.  I open the window and read while I rock her to sleep and it's the best kind of Sunday worship.  I will usually attend Relief Society, so it's not a sin. just don't tell my bishop.  or my husband ;)

So, about The Conscious Creator.. this is not a book report or a summary, but I am going to talk about what I learned.  And, like I said, I don't do this often, so this book must be special.  It came into my life at the right time, and it has my wheels turning late at night, even weeks after I put it down.  This book has homework (a journal you print online) that goes along with the chapters, pages and pages of questions to work out your thoughts.  Tonight around midnight, just about when my husband fell asleep, I snuck out of bed and grabbed my pages of homework on my nightstand.  I decided to read them downstairs and tweak the answers a little.  After an hour or so, I went back to bed.. but I couldn't fall asleep so now it's 2:30 am and I am at the computer, sharing a few thoughts about what I've learned.

The Conscious Creator is a book written by a young man named Kris Krohn.  Kris and I were born on the exact same day, so I consider him young at the age of 36.  He's a self-made millionaire and a successful author, public speaker, and father to four.  I don't know much else about him, but I do believe he's an inspired writer.  You may disagree with me, but that won't change my opinion.  This book was really powerful for me.

This particular book is not a fiction, but it's written in story-format.  It's about a young man who is unhappy in his career and in his life, although he is doing all of the things he thinks he's supposed to.  His girlfriend breaks up with him because he's not passionate about life and he ends up getting fired from his job and the entire book is about his quest to find his True Purpose.  It's totally cheesy.  And I don't usually care for scripted dialogue, but I didn't read it as a story, I read it as homework-- as a way to figure out what I need to do to feel more fulfilled in my life.

The thing is, I can't talk to very many people about not feeling fulfilled.  If I tell you I am disappointed with my life, people think that I have a bad marriage or a boring social life.  or naughty kids or a dull imagination.  None of those are true, yet I still find myself searching outside for something more.  It's not that I am not content, but I am definitely not satisfied.  The only way I can explain it is that I was born with this urge to do more than what is considered a normal effort.  I remember being a very young child knowing that I came here for a purpose and that I was unique and important.  Not more important than anyone else, I actually truly believed that everyone thought the same about themselves.  Somewhere during my elementary school years, I believe this was taught out of me.  Or I was occupied with other things or I was satisfied with the little work that was required of me so I became lazy, I am not sure why or when or where, I am not blaming it on the schools or my friends or my teachers, it was everything combined.  I was distracted and I spent years performing just above the minimum that was required of me all the way into high school (yes, this includes getting good grades, being president of my school and getting a full scholarship to college.  I am not saying this to brag, I am just saying that I was capable of so much more.)

In college, my desire to BECOME was awakened.  I had several teachers at both Ricks College and BYU in Provo that reminded me of who I was.  The school work was still minimal but the awakening was great.  I had two little boys during my last couple of years at college and I graduated without really studying.  But I learned a lot about myself.  On my graduation day, while sitting in the ceremony in my cap and gown, thinking about ALL the 16 years of my school-career, I decided that I wanted to homeschool my kids.  It was a fire that was lit inside of me and it grew until I could not ignore it.  By the time Ben was 3 and Luke was 2, they were both reading fluently.  No, they are not brilliant and I was never a strict or diligent teacher, but something magical happened in our home as we learned together.  None of my other kids have learned to read or write that early, since, but that's okay.  The magic is still there.  (in fact, Simon is almost 6 and barely knows his letters.  Its not because I teach any differently, but Simon is actually not interested right now... and that's totally okay by me because he is a brilliant child with so much to offer the world.  Reading and writing will come when he's ready and pushing him is not my style.)

When I was younger and especially when I was in college, I KNEW what I wanted to do with my life.  I was going to do great things.  Getting married and having children right away was not on my agenda.  However, when it became clear that it was important for me to marry Aaron and have children, I was slowly able to figure out how they belonged in a bigger plan.  Raising children and being a loving wife was always my main focus, but there was still something missing, always.  Its not that I don't love cooking dinner (because believe me, I do) but I knew there was something more for me.

The Conscious Creator came into my life at a pretty important time.  For the past couple of years, Aaron and I have been moving toward a bigger purpose.  We could feel it, but we didn't really have the timing right... and we were constantly acting on our faith, but things didn't really fall into place like we thought they would.  Our thoughts were very positive, until they weren't anymore.  The move back to Vegas didn't make sense and then to turn around and move back to Utah (only to continue to feel lost) just about did me in. I literally felt as though I was playing a game of warm/hot only every direction I turned I was getting colder and colder.  I found myself constantly in search for more meaning.  I needed a place to hang my thoughts of frustration and then this book walked into my life. (suggested by a couple in our new neighborhood who came over for dessert/FHE and then literally moved two days later without warning.  odd!)

Basically the book is just like the SECRET that got so popular so many years ago, but it's more than that.  Instead of one secret, there are 6 and you need all 6 to accomplish your goals.  I believe in all of these laws and I know that if I continue to walk the path of uncertainty, things WILL fall into place just as they were meant to.  It's probably going to take more time, and that's okay because my plans are big.

The funny thing is, this book has drawn me closer to my husband in many different ways.  You would think I would want to divorce him and go our separate ways (like the main characters do at the beginning of the book) because we are SO different in our approach to life.  However, nothing could be further from the truth, we are different, but the same in all the ways that matter.  This book pulled me close to him and the way he operates.  Aaron is wise, calculated and particular and even though he doesn't know what drives him (yet) he and I are SO similar when it comes to our values and what we want out of life.  We are both extremely passionate about giving our kids undivided love and attention and he's proven to be a better parent and spouse than I am.  I've come to see where his true talents, desires, passions are and they are right where they belong.  All we really want for our kids is to work hard, to be honest and trustworthy and for them to understand that they can accomplish WHATEVER they set their minds to do.  Now, all we have to figure out is how to show them, by example, that when you follow your dreams and let your passions be the driving force in your life, you will be successful. That has yet to happen, but I still believe it will.. right now, I think we have everything going for us except for law number 6, which is a gestation phase.  It takes time. (also, by success I do not mean money.)

I am now also reading The Secret which is old, but it seems like a new read because of The Conscious Creator.  This coupled with Einstein's biography, I am in deep thought about THOUGHTS.  Here are a few of Einstein's quotes that have jumped out at me recently...

bus remodel, day one.

The roof came OFF the bus today.  Last week, I was thinking about selling it and this week the roof is off.

It's all part of the plan, the first step in the remodel is to raise the roof.  We will add windows and a little height (so that my husband will be able to stand up straight inside.. the ceiling is currently 6 feet high, but not high enough for my 6'3"guy.)

After the roof is back on 20 inches higher, a deck will be built up on top.  It may not seem like the roof and the deck should be priorities, like the FIRST things to happen, but they are really important to me.  We are building a fun-bus and the deck on top is a must have.

It seems like I should be majorly super excited about finally starting the remodel, but I don't feel that way.  Actually, I feel opposite.  I am kind of freaking out and worried I will never be able to sleep again.  Buying the bus was a little risky, but in the back of my mind, I could always sell it.  When I saw the roof coming off, my heart was beating so fast.. and not in a good way.  This is self-induced, what-the-heck-am-getting-myself-into kind of stress.  I'm scared.

Let me paint the picture for you so you can feel my anxiety.  The bus is being remodeled at a construction site about 30 minutes from where we live.  This morning, the owners of the home we are renting were coming to do some repairs and install blinds.  I doubt they expect everything to be in perfect condition, but I wanted to make sure they knew we are trying to take care of their house, so basically I tried to leave it spotless.  Not easy to do with 6 kids who do schoolwork in the morning.  We were ready to get in the car just before lunch time.  I could have made them sandwiches before we left, but that would leave a crumb trail and I didn't have the patience for any crumbs.  So we stopped to get gas, and then ate lunch at subway and then drove down south for day one of the remodel.

We had a film crew at the construction site to get before photos and videos... that puts extra pressure on me to have the kids well groomed and to look presentable myself.  I know I shouldn't worry too much about it (because I DO want the documentation to be as real as possible) but yes, I totally stress about looking like total hillbillies.  I am NOT a fashionista and I won't ever pretend to be, but things like this will keep me up at night.  oh the drama.

So I am there, on site with six kids.  There are power tools and men on top of the bus and a camera man following us around.  The boys are excited to explore, Eden wants to get down and run, too.  Roma has to go potty but the bathrooms are not close.  The crew wants an interview about how/why we bought the bus.  They will be there all week and I ask them if we can do the interviewing part when Aaron can be there, maybe on Saturday... because I am like, really stressed on the first day.  No problem, he says.  Sweet.  My hair needs to be cut and colored anyway..  man, I hope I don't have a heart attack by Saturday.

While the roof is coming off and the boys are watching every bit of the sparks fly, Roma decides to pull her pants down and pee, right there in the rocks.  Man, I really do love the girl for doing everything on her own, but she ended up sitting ON the rocks and still getting pee all over her clothes.  So then I run to the car to grab some wipes and this is when I start to sweat.  I come back to Ro and help her wipe all the rocks and dirt off of her cute bum, and I was wishing the camera crew had it all on film, but secretly so glad they were busying filming elsewhere.

I had a change of clothes for Eden, but not Roma, so it was kind of time to go.  Forty-five minutes on site, and we were done.  I say goodbye to everyone and then buckle the kids back in the car and as I am driving away, I just keep thinking that I am the dumbest person in the world.  WHAT AM I DOING?  Does this mean it's not the right thing to do or am I just being a drama queen?  I cannot decide..  There ARE people who remodel buses, but it's usually a couple without kids.  Or if it's a family project, both the husband and wife are in it together... Why am I doing this again? Aaron and I are definitely united in our marriage, but not on the bus project.  So here I am all alone, not knowing how it's going to turn out.  I absolutely want to turn around, to say nevermind to everyone I've ever talked to and just go back to having a regular boring life.  But it's not possible now.  I am in this all the way and I am totally freaked out.  Is it going to turn out the way I envision?  I have no idea.  All I know is that I have to trust in the process of the unknown and the unknown is totally scary.  There is no peace or excitement about today's events.  There also aren't any pictures or videos, but they will come soon.  If I dare go back to the site with the kids again this week, I will make sure to snap a shot of our metal scraps that used to be a bus.

This is not our bus, but this is what we hope our deck will look like...

Homeward Bound

I wanted to write a little about my cousin Mike Johnston's funeral.  The last time I saw Mike was 10 months ago.  During Christmastime, when I was struggling trying to figure out why we moved to Utah and why we were living with my parents, I went to a High Priest's Christmas dinner for the Heritage 5th ward.  Mike, his wife and kids (who are not in the ward or stake) just so happened to be the musical entertainment that night and it was such a tender mercy to have them sing for us.  I truly felt like they were sent by Grandma Roma, to let me know that family was more important than anything else.  Their voices were so powerful and sounded so familiar to me.  My Dad's oldest sister, Sandra had 14 children.  She has such a love for music and passed her gifts on to her kids and I grew up listening to them sing in high school musicals, plays, missionary farewells, weddings. Their music is on the soundtrack of my childhood.

This week, I felt like being able to attend his funeral was another tender mercy of living nearby.  I probably would not have driven 6 hours up for the service, and it was so great to see all of my extended family.  It's been too long since I've seen most of them!  I felt like the entire day was filled with hugs and words of affection and appreciation.  I have so much love for each one of my cousins and aunts and uncles.

I need to touch on one particular song that was sung at his service.  All of talks were inspiring and every musical number was absolutely fantastic, but his children and nephews sang the song "Homeward Bound" and I absolutely lost it when they started singing.  It was the hardest I've ever cried at a funeral or in public.  Like the ugly, wipe your nose on your sleeve (and send your child to get more kleenex asap) kind of moment.  I wasn't expecting that kind of emotion out of me (even Aaron cried and he doesn't cry often) but not sure if was during this song or another because they were all so touching.

The MoTab has done a beautiful verson of "Homeward Bound".  I've listened to it at least a dozen times since, maybe more.  Right now it's on repeat as I type late at night.  Lyrics are below.

In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing
And the sky is clear and red,
When the summer's ceased its gleaming
When the corn is past its prime,
When adventure's lost its meaning -
I'll be homeward bound in time.

Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I'll return to you somehow

If you find it's me you're missing
If you're hoping I'll return,
To your thoughts I'll soon be listening,
And in the road I'll stop and turn
Then the wind will set me racing
As my journey nears its end
And the path I'll be retracing
When I'm homeward bound again

Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I'll return to you somehow

In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing
I'll be homeward bound again.

One reason this song was so amazing at Mike's funeral is because it was apparent that he lived his life to the fullest.  When Mike wanted to do something, he did it.  Four year old says he wants to become a pilot?  Done.  He made lists of things he wanted to do and it wasn't a question of whether it would happen.  He showed his wife how much he loved her and even though he was away from home as a pilot, he took his kids skydiving and on adventures across the country.  I loved the memories shared about driving crazy in the car and making the kids laugh over little nicknames.  I truly was inspired by his life and example and I want to live my life more fully because of him.  The song, to me, was a plea to God to help me achieve what I came here to do.  I am not done living!  Bind me not to the pasture.  Chain me not to the plow!  I have a calling and a purpose and I will do everything in my power to live life to the fullest.  There is such a fire within me to live wholeheartedly, and this song definitely brought it out.

Days after the funeral, I found myself still lingering on the lyrics of the song-- if it's not apparent by now, I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately.  I found this solo really powerful.  If I could sing myself, I would burst it out like he does..

Now, I don't want to be overly dramatic (too late) but currently as I type this, Ben is cuddled up next to me sleeping.  He's 14 and growing into such a wonderful young man, but he's still a boy to me.  He's been so cute and affectionate lately, still coming into cuddle for a minute after the little ones are asleep.  Tonight, he's sleeping on the couch basically on my lap as I try not to disturb him typing (you would think he would want to go downstairs and sleep in his bed!)  But I will take every minute of these little moments.  I've taken a few typing breaks to run my fingers through his hair and it's just so weird to think that I am his MOM because he's HUGE.  How did this happen, and so quickly?  Where did the time go?

No, I am not crying as I listen to the next version of the song (with headphones.)  But man, when those boys come into the picture, I cannot help but feel emotional.  My boys are going to be men soon, finding their own adventures and callings.

I kind of wonder if I am going through my own mid-life crisis right now.  I remember being so stirred a couple of years ago during President Uchtdorf's talk Of Regrets and Resolutions, knowing that I only have a few more years with my big kids.  Ben isn't leaving home just yet, but 3.5 years is nothing.  Roma is already 4 and I swear she was just born yesterday.  It flies by.  I just feel like I need to do everything in my power to make my days and months and years count.  I am not sure I believe in no regrets because life teaches us and I won't beat myself up about making mistakes, but I do believe in no time wasted.  No wasted time with these little people in my house because they won't be little for long.

Thank you, Mike, for reminding me to take advantage of life's BIG and small moments.  

missing everyone, always.

I came across this old blog post from 2012 and it reminded me of why we've sacrificed to move here. I am copying part of the post so it can be a part of our 2015 yearbook...

it's bedtime and I am feeling lonely. my kids are sleeping in the room across the hall and my husband is sleeping 400 miles away. actually, he's probably playing tennis or volleyball or basketball 400 miles away. whatever he's doing right now, I'm missing him.

I've been in Utah for 4 days.  we've had nonstop fun with my crazy family.  Thirty out of my parents' 35 grandchildren are here to runAmuck.  My boys haven't gone to sleep before midnight a single night and they are having THE time of their lives.  I love (LOVE) hanging with my siblings and nieces and nephews too, but I usually end up going to sleep feeling sad.  Sad that we don't live closer.  Sad that my husband is never here for family gatherings.  Sad that my kids are missing out on forming closer relationships with their cousins.  Grateful to have such a loving family, but sad that we don't see them more often.

I feel torn between two worlds-- the one my family lives in and the one Aaron and I have created together. When I get to thinking about the life we've built, I know that my home is wherever he lives.  We truly have become our own independent unit.  Together we're enough. Going another week without him is going to be hard.  

***

I find it interesting that now that my husband, kids and I are living by extended family, I still find myself torn between worlds.  I guess I will always have a part of my heart in Vegas, at least as long as Jane lives there.  Maybe that feeling will go away after she becomes my neighbor again (it will happen, I swear.  Jane and I are not meant to live apart.) But we have so many good friends living all over, and I want them close! I also feel extremely sad Aaron's family is so far away.  When we were living "in between" with my family in Utah and Aaron's in Arizona and Cali, Vegas seemed doable.  Even though we probably see Aaron's family the same number of times each year, when the kids are around Grandparents and cousins so frequently, it makes me miss the other side more.  I just need EVERYONE I love in the same place... or else I will never be truly happy.

When I graduated high school, I was so excited to go off to college, but couldn't help but be a little sad to leave my other friends and memories back home.  Is everyone like this during change?  I love a new adventure, but I also hate to feel the heart-wrenching pain of leaving anyone behind.  I don't think of myself overly dramatic, but I'm pretty sure my parents say I've always been so.  I mean, my mom will testify I came into this world torn. #bornthatway She tells I was born three weeks late because I didn't want to leave heaven.  I find that hard to believe, but she did stand on her porch and yell to Aaron and I while we were driving away in our car. "Aaron, just remember that Janet has a really hard time with change!  She was three weeks late because she couldn't leave her friends in heaven!"  I think we were newlyweds and I must have been struggling leaving my single life behind... she thought that advice would help my poor new husband.  It was funny at the time and it's an awesome memory now.

My dad's favorite story to tell is that I was born needing attention.  He will tell my kids that when I was a baby/toddler that I would wait at the top of the stairs for him to come home from work and that he needed to acknowledge me the minute he walked in the door.  If he, for any reason, would do something else before he gave me some love and attention, then I would lay on the ground and scream and cry until he picked me up.  Aaron loves to hear this story and says that some things never change.  I think it's funny (and not true).  Why do I have to feel so deeply?  Is it a blessing or a curse?

One of most poignant memories in my young adult life was driving home from my childhood best friend's wedding reception.  I lived in Provo at the time and Ben was a baby, just a few months old.  Aaron was able to attend Francine's wedding with me earlier that day, but the baby and I were at the reception all night without him.  I was a bridesmaid and had to nurse Ben in the corner of a janitors closet at the reception.. (and that has absolutely nothing to do with the story.)  All night I watched my beautiful best friend in her wedding gown and I just couldn't believe that time had passed so quickly.  It wasn't that I wanted her single.  I was married with a baby and was happy for the both of us.  But I knew that we would never get our childhood back and that had me feeling so torn.  The night was filled with chatting with influential people from my childhood and I was so grateful and so sad at the same time.  I drove home with Ben in the back seat, asleep, and I just cried and cried.  I remember thinking that no one will ever understand how deeply I feel about them.  Okay, I'm convinced I'm a total drama queen..  and if I haven't outgrown it by now, it's probably safe to say that I never will.

moving forward. pressing on.

Last week I was going to list the bus for sale.  I was pretty sure about it and started thinking about the kind of ad I would post online.  It wasn't that I felt defeated, but I had so many hopes and dreams when we bought it and nothing happened the way that I envisioned.  I saw us renovating it right away, painting the outside something crazy colorful, building a deck on top and taking off around the country.  I thought our home would sell quickly.  I thought we could use the money we had in our savings account to travel and that this would be the ONLY time in Aaron's career where he had a handful of clients to pay the bills but not enough to keep him in the office 5 days a week.  Our expenses were minimal and we didn't have any other plans.

But, you know.. things didn't turn out that way.  Our house was on the market for almost a year (two weeks shy.)  By the time it sold, we'd dropped it low enough not to make much of a profit.  After living off of our savings for over 18 months, (I know, a miracle in and of itself) we are basically broke.  With my husband back at the office full time, a rent payment that is more than our old mortgage and a pretty strict homeschooling regimen, I was kind of defeated in my goals to travel.  So I decided to sell.  I took out the interest free loan for the bus 6 months ago.  I had 6 months to go before I needed to pay it off and who knows, maybe it will take 6 months to sell?  Maybe I would have to give it away to someone and then get a part time graveyard shift at Walmart to pay it off.  I could (and would) do this, believe me.  So I decided to resign.  I was sad, but not defeated.  Discouraged, but not depressed.  I would figure out another dream.  My family life was most important.  Always, my marriage and kids come first.

I thought about that last sentence for two whole days.  My marriage and kids come first.  My marriage and kids come first.  I am causing my husband stress.  I am creating a life of chaos for my kids.  And it was just a bunch of other negative comments to follow.  I wasn't ready.  I am too fat to be truly successful.  I dont think things through.  I am not responsible.  My marriage and kids come first.

After two days, I realized I was wrong.  100% totally wrong.  My marriage and kids BENEFIT from me being true to myself.  I am a better wife and better mother when I follow my dreams.  I am happier when I go for what I want.  I inspire them to go for what they want when I put myself out there.  Yes, I am totally completely vulnerable and I may crash and burn, but I will die trying.  I will not give up.  At least not yet.  I have 6 full months before I have to pay off the bus.  That is all the time in the world.

The day I pulled myself out of negative thoughts, I decided to email my supporters.  I have builders, TV executives, and others who like my idea.  They want me to succeed.  And truth be told, I turned down two TV opportunities because they didn't feel right.  I wasn't sure if it was the timing or what, but I reached out to them, told them that I wasn't ready to give up on my idea all together and this opened a couple of other doors.  Not sure if they are the RIGHT doors, but why not explore until they all close in my face.  I had more energy around the house.  Dinner and taking care of kids became easier.  I was reading more and writing more.  I am happier.

Tomorrow we are presenting our idea of creating an alternative approach to Education to a bunch of successful people at the University of Utah.  It's scary to think about going on stage with a bunch of kids and we are crossing our fingers that Aaron can make it (or then I will really have my hands full) but I have a team of professionals supporting me and giving me the opportunity to share our ideas and that is huge.  It was only days ago that I thought it was over.  Tomorrow is also a big day because the producers at HGTV are going to pitch our show idea AGAIN to executives.  Yes, this is the same show I turned down, but I did go back with a new approach.  I will do it as long as A) we can stay completely true to our story (they wanted us to purchase the bus partially renovated and even though it didn't change our story, it was not the truth) and B) we can have 100% of the film rights to what is videoed during the remodel.  I thought this requirement was not possible because there are serious contracts that give the show all the video.  But they came back with an okay on both accounts.  It's still going to be a little bit of a stretch, but it's something.  I mean, it's nationwide coverage AND a completed bus at the end so what do I have to lose really?  Actually, I have a lot to lose, but I know that no matter what, I will NOT lose my marriage or my kids over this.  And because of that truth I hold, I will move forward..  It's still as scary as the day I bought the bus.  I have no answers, I see no light at the end of the tunnel, but I am not turning around.  Not yet, anyway.