not this cute anymore!it's bedtime and I am feeling lonely. my kids are sleeping in the room across the hall and my husband is sleeping 400 miles away. actually, he's probably playing tennis or volleyball or basketball 400 miles away. whatever he's doing right now, I'm missing him.
I've been in Utah for 4 days. we've had nonstop fun with my crazy family. Thirty out of my parents' 35 grandchildren are here to runAmuck. My boys haven't gone to sleep before midnight a single night and they are having THE time of their lives. I love (LOVE) hanging with my siblings and nieces and nephews too, but I usually end up going to sleep feeling sad. Sad that we don't live closer. Sad that my husband is never here for family gatherings. Sad that my kids are missing out on forming closer relationships with their cousins. Grateful to have such a loving family, but sad that we don't see them more often.
I feel torn between two worlds-- the one my family lives in and the one Aaron and I have created together. When I get to thinking about the life we've built, I know that my home is wherever he lives. We truly have become our own independent unit. Together we're enough. Going another week without him is going to be hard.
***
I find it interesting that now that my husband, kids and I are living by extended family, I still find myself torn between worlds. I guess I will always have a part of my heart in Vegas, at least as long as Jane lives there. Maybe that feeling will go away after she becomes my neighbor again (it will happen, I swear. Jane and I are not meant to live apart.) But we have so many good friends living all over, and I want them close! I also feel extremely sad Aaron's family is so far away. When we were living "in between" with my family in Utah and Aaron's in Arizona and Cali, Vegas seemed doable. Even though we probably see Aaron's family the same number of times each year, when the kids are around Grandparents and cousins so frequently, it makes me miss the other side more. I just need EVERYONE I love in the same place... or else I will never be truly happy.
When I graduated high school, I was so excited to go off to college, but couldn't help but be a little sad to leave my other friends and memories back home. Is everyone like this during change? I love a new adventure, but I also hate to feel the heart-wrenching pain of leaving anyone behind. I don't think of myself overly dramatic, but I'm pretty sure my parents say I've always been so. I mean, my mom will testify I came into this world torn. #bornthatway She tells I was born three weeks late because I didn't want to leave heaven. I find that hard to believe, but she did stand on her porch and yell to Aaron and I while we were driving away in our car. "Aaron, just remember that Janet has a really hard time with change! She was three weeks late because she couldn't leave her friends in heaven!" I think we were newlyweds and I must have been struggling leaving my single life behind... she thought that advice would help my poor new husband. It was funny at the time and it's an awesome memory now.
My dad's favorite story to tell is that I was born needing attention. He will tell my kids that when I was a baby/toddler that I would wait at the top of the stairs for him to come home from work and that he needed to acknowledge me the minute he walked in the door. If he, for any reason, would do something else before he gave me some love and attention, then I would lay on the ground and scream and cry until he picked me up. Aaron loves to hear this story and says that some things never change. I think it's funny (and not true). Why do I have to feel so deeply? Is it a blessing or a curse?
One of most poignant memories in my young adult life was driving home from my childhood best friend's wedding reception. I lived in Provo at the time and Ben was a baby, just a few months old. Aaron was able to attend Francine's wedding with me earlier that day, but the baby and I were at the reception all night without him. I was a bridesmaid and had to nurse Ben in the corner of a janitors closet at the reception.. (and that has absolutely nothing to do with the story.) All night I watched my beautiful best friend in her wedding gown and I just couldn't believe that time had passed so quickly. It wasn't that I wanted her single. I was married with a baby and was happy for the both of us. But I knew that we would never get our childhood back and that had me feeling so torn. The night was filled with chatting with influential people from my childhood and I was so grateful and so sad at the same time. I drove home with Ben in the back seat, asleep, and I just cried and cried. I remember thinking that no one will ever understand how deeply I feel about them. Okay, I'm convinced I'm a total drama queen.. and if I haven't outgrown it by now, it's probably safe to say that I never will.
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