moving forward. pressing on.

Last week I was going to list the bus for sale.  I was pretty sure about it and started thinking about the kind of ad I would post online.  It wasn't that I felt defeated, but I had so many hopes and dreams when we bought it and nothing happened the way that I envisioned.  I saw us renovating it right away, painting the outside something crazy colorful, building a deck on top and taking off around the country.  I thought our home would sell quickly.  I thought we could use the money we had in our savings account to travel and that this would be the ONLY time in Aaron's career where he had a handful of clients to pay the bills but not enough to keep him in the office 5 days a week.  Our expenses were minimal and we didn't have any other plans.

But, you know.. things didn't turn out that way.  Our house was on the market for almost a year (two weeks shy.)  By the time it sold, we'd dropped it low enough not to make much of a profit.  After living off of our savings for over 18 months, (I know, a miracle in and of itself) we are basically broke.  With my husband back at the office full time, a rent payment that is more than our old mortgage and a pretty strict homeschooling regimen, I was kind of defeated in my goals to travel.  So I decided to sell.  I took out the interest free loan for the bus 6 months ago.  I had 6 months to go before I needed to pay it off and who knows, maybe it will take 6 months to sell?  Maybe I would have to give it away to someone and then get a part time graveyard shift at Walmart to pay it off.  I could (and would) do this, believe me.  So I decided to resign.  I was sad, but not defeated.  Discouraged, but not depressed.  I would figure out another dream.  My family life was most important.  Always, my marriage and kids come first.

I thought about that last sentence for two whole days.  My marriage and kids come first.  My marriage and kids come first.  I am causing my husband stress.  I am creating a life of chaos for my kids.  And it was just a bunch of other negative comments to follow.  I wasn't ready.  I am too fat to be truly successful.  I dont think things through.  I am not responsible.  My marriage and kids come first.

After two days, I realized I was wrong.  100% totally wrong.  My marriage and kids BENEFIT from me being true to myself.  I am a better wife and better mother when I follow my dreams.  I am happier when I go for what I want.  I inspire them to go for what they want when I put myself out there.  Yes, I am totally completely vulnerable and I may crash and burn, but I will die trying.  I will not give up.  At least not yet.  I have 6 full months before I have to pay off the bus.  That is all the time in the world.

The day I pulled myself out of negative thoughts, I decided to email my supporters.  I have builders, TV executives, and others who like my idea.  They want me to succeed.  And truth be told, I turned down two TV opportunities because they didn't feel right.  I wasn't sure if it was the timing or what, but I reached out to them, told them that I wasn't ready to give up on my idea all together and this opened a couple of other doors.  Not sure if they are the RIGHT doors, but why not explore until they all close in my face.  I had more energy around the house.  Dinner and taking care of kids became easier.  I was reading more and writing more.  I am happier.

Tomorrow we are presenting our idea of creating an alternative approach to Education to a bunch of successful people at the University of Utah.  It's scary to think about going on stage with a bunch of kids and we are crossing our fingers that Aaron can make it (or then I will really have my hands full) but I have a team of professionals supporting me and giving me the opportunity to share our ideas and that is huge.  It was only days ago that I thought it was over.  Tomorrow is also a big day because the producers at HGTV are going to pitch our show idea AGAIN to executives.  Yes, this is the same show I turned down, but I did go back with a new approach.  I will do it as long as A) we can stay completely true to our story (they wanted us to purchase the bus partially renovated and even though it didn't change our story, it was not the truth) and B) we can have 100% of the film rights to what is videoed during the remodel.  I thought this requirement was not possible because there are serious contracts that give the show all the video.  But they came back with an okay on both accounts.  It's still going to be a little bit of a stretch, but it's something.  I mean, it's nationwide coverage AND a completed bus at the end so what do I have to lose really?  Actually, I have a lot to lose, but I know that no matter what, I will NOT lose my marriage or my kids over this.  And because of that truth I hold, I will move forward..  It's still as scary as the day I bought the bus.  I have no answers, I see no light at the end of the tunnel, but I am not turning around.  Not yet, anyway.