Homeward Bound

I wanted to write a little about my cousin Mike Johnston's funeral.  The last time I saw Mike was 10 months ago.  During Christmastime, when I was struggling trying to figure out why we moved to Utah and why we were living with my parents, I went to a High Priest's Christmas dinner for the Heritage 5th ward.  Mike, his wife and kids (who are not in the ward or stake) just so happened to be the musical entertainment that night and it was such a tender mercy to have them sing for us.  I truly felt like they were sent by Grandma Roma, to let me know that family was more important than anything else.  Their voices were so powerful and sounded so familiar to me.  My Dad's oldest sister, Sandra had 14 children.  She has such a love for music and passed her gifts on to her kids and I grew up listening to them sing in high school musicals, plays, missionary farewells, weddings. Their music is on the soundtrack of my childhood.

This week, I felt like being able to attend his funeral was another tender mercy of living nearby.  I probably would not have driven 6 hours up for the service, and it was so great to see all of my extended family.  It's been too long since I've seen most of them!  I felt like the entire day was filled with hugs and words of affection and appreciation.  I have so much love for each one of my cousins and aunts and uncles.

I need to touch on one particular song that was sung at his service.  All of talks were inspiring and every musical number was absolutely fantastic, but his children and nephews sang the song "Homeward Bound" and I absolutely lost it when they started singing.  It was the hardest I've ever cried at a funeral or in public.  Like the ugly, wipe your nose on your sleeve (and send your child to get more kleenex asap) kind of moment.  I wasn't expecting that kind of emotion out of me (even Aaron cried and he doesn't cry often) but not sure if was during this song or another because they were all so touching.

The MoTab has done a beautiful verson of "Homeward Bound".  I've listened to it at least a dozen times since, maybe more.  Right now it's on repeat as I type late at night.  Lyrics are below.

In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing
And the sky is clear and red,
When the summer's ceased its gleaming
When the corn is past its prime,
When adventure's lost its meaning -
I'll be homeward bound in time.

Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I'll return to you somehow

If you find it's me you're missing
If you're hoping I'll return,
To your thoughts I'll soon be listening,
And in the road I'll stop and turn
Then the wind will set me racing
As my journey nears its end
And the path I'll be retracing
When I'm homeward bound again

Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I'll return to you somehow

In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing
I'll be homeward bound again.

One reason this song was so amazing at Mike's funeral is because it was apparent that he lived his life to the fullest.  When Mike wanted to do something, he did it.  Four year old says he wants to become a pilot?  Done.  He made lists of things he wanted to do and it wasn't a question of whether it would happen.  He showed his wife how much he loved her and even though he was away from home as a pilot, he took his kids skydiving and on adventures across the country.  I loved the memories shared about driving crazy in the car and making the kids laugh over little nicknames.  I truly was inspired by his life and example and I want to live my life more fully because of him.  The song, to me, was a plea to God to help me achieve what I came here to do.  I am not done living!  Bind me not to the pasture.  Chain me not to the plow!  I have a calling and a purpose and I will do everything in my power to live life to the fullest.  There is such a fire within me to live wholeheartedly, and this song definitely brought it out.

Days after the funeral, I found myself still lingering on the lyrics of the song-- if it's not apparent by now, I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately.  I found this solo really powerful.  If I could sing myself, I would burst it out like he does..

Now, I don't want to be overly dramatic (too late) but currently as I type this, Ben is cuddled up next to me sleeping.  He's 14 and growing into such a wonderful young man, but he's still a boy to me.  He's been so cute and affectionate lately, still coming into cuddle for a minute after the little ones are asleep.  Tonight, he's sleeping on the couch basically on my lap as I try not to disturb him typing (you would think he would want to go downstairs and sleep in his bed!)  But I will take every minute of these little moments.  I've taken a few typing breaks to run my fingers through his hair and it's just so weird to think that I am his MOM because he's HUGE.  How did this happen, and so quickly?  Where did the time go?

No, I am not crying as I listen to the next version of the song (with headphones.)  But man, when those boys come into the picture, I cannot help but feel emotional.  My boys are going to be men soon, finding their own adventures and callings.

I kind of wonder if I am going through my own mid-life crisis right now.  I remember being so stirred a couple of years ago during President Uchtdorf's talk Of Regrets and Resolutions, knowing that I only have a few more years with my big kids.  Ben isn't leaving home just yet, but 3.5 years is nothing.  Roma is already 4 and I swear she was just born yesterday.  It flies by.  I just feel like I need to do everything in my power to make my days and months and years count.  I am not sure I believe in no regrets because life teaches us and I won't beat myself up about making mistakes, but I do believe in no time wasted.  No wasted time with these little people in my house because they won't be little for long.

Thank you, Mike, for reminding me to take advantage of life's BIG and small moments.