Janet Almighty

I've mentioned before that I have vivid dreams. It's a rare occasion to wake up without remembering what I dreamed about the night before. Most of the time, they're bizarre and off the wall. I usually wake up wanting to talk to Aaron about them, but after 8 years of marriage, I know he is rather tired of hearing about my dreams... unless it involves the two of us with our clothes off. Don't worry, I write those on my other blog. But I had a FABULOUS dream last night. Wanna hear about it?

Aaron and I were in the doctor's office together, both feeling frustrated at our inability to have a baby. The doctor walks in the door and announces that there's no way that I will be able to carry a child... He explains that my body has downloaded a corrupted file and is no longer in service. We were devastated... until the Doc says that he's figured out a way to get the fertilized egg inside AARON! He had never performed a procedure like this on any other couple, but he had a feeling that it would work for us. We went home and talked about it and came to the conclusion that if this was the only way, we would be willing.. (don't know HOW I talked my husband into that one!)

Over the next few months I watched Aaron throw up, get fat, ride the hormonal rollercoaster and grow a cute pregnant tummy. It was AWESOME! I remember feeling so happy... not just because we were having a baby but because Aaron was FINALLY holding the short end of the stick. I loved every thing about his misery. Late into the pregnancy, we went on a date and I smiled as I watched Aaron struggle to get his seat belt around his enormous belly. And then when it was time to get out of the car, he just couldn't seem to manage to pull his fat butt out of the seat, no matter how much he grunted. I just stood outside his door, pointed my finger and laughed at him (something that actually happened just weeks before Ben was born, only Aaron was the one pointing the finger.)

When labor hit... oh BOY! It was good. It was better than the best Baby Story you've ever seen... and probably scarier than a horror film. He was such a woos! He cried and squeezed my hand and begged for ice chips. It really was a wonderfully rewarding dream. I woke up before the baby was born. I spent the rest of the day thinking about how unfair women have it. I mean, really.... Eve was SERIOUSLY cursed when she took a bite out of that apple. Don't you ever wish that for a minute, you could be God and switch things up a bit? I realize it's pretty sacrilegious to think such things, but find myself constantly saying, "If I was God, I would do ________ differently."

For instance: Why do teeth have to be such a bother? It's completely unfair that babies have to suffer so much when they're growing in. They cry, slobber, get fevers, have runny noses.... I just don't see why it has to be painful. It doesn't hurt when fingernails or hair grow. What is the deal with teeth? And why can't they be made of something that doesn't get cavities. I mean, there are such substances out there.. If I was God, I would give everyone beautiful sets of porcelain teeth.... or maybe diamonds! No more flossing, no more root canals. Geez. Don't we have enough to worry about? And I realize that by making this little change, many dentists would be out of jobs. But is that my problem? No.

And why do we have to have so much hair? Hair on the head is okay.. but why everywhere else? As humans we spend so much time SHAVING! It's just so annoying. Name one good reason we have armpit hair. Just one. And this is a curse for both sexes. I really feel for men who have to shave their face everyday. That would totally suck. But if you think shaving your face balances giving birth to a child, think again.

Lastly. Why is it mysterious WHEN a woman is ovulating? It shouldn't be so complicated. If I was God, I would make it very clear and simple. None of this "two weeks after your cycle" crap. Why can't you ovulate during your period? Women who don't want to get pregnant wouldn't have sex during that time... and women who want a baby would know EXACTLY when to do the deed. Simple. No more teenage pregnancies or unwanted babies. Why does God allow young, careless kids the opportunity to have a child when other mature loving couples can't conceive? I love the whole adoption process and commend those brave, selfless women who place their children with a loving couple who can raise their child. It's an incredible process. But then there's those moms who keep their kids and do a sucky job of raising them. Why can't they be the infertile ones?

I thought God was like a genius or something. Maybe I will shoot him an email with my ideas. Before I do, is there anything you want to add to the list? It's now or never people.