listerine

Did anyone else think that the famous "Glycerine" song by Bush was actually about mouthwash? Anyone? Oh. Um. Neither did I.


On Christmas Eve I had to run to Walmart to get a couple of last minute items. It was getting late and I was in a hurry. On the way into the store, a woman stopped me and asked for help. Someone had stolen her welfare check and she had no money to buy food for her kids. She had four children and supposedly they were starving for dinner. She looked pretty pathetic, so I gave her $10 and wished her a Merry Christmas.

I ran into the store and quickly got what I needed. While paying for my items, I noticed that she was at the check stand next to me. Of course, I made sure to peek atwhat she was purchasing with the money I gave her. Do you want to guess what she bought? Not a rotisserie chicken. Not a few boxes of macaroni and cheese. Nope. Instead she had two big bottles of Listerine. Either her kids had really bad breath or she was getting drunk on the stuff..

Have you ever heard of people drinking Listerine for it's alcohol content? If you do the research, it's 26.9% alcohol and although it sounds crazy, lots of people are using it. I am not going to give you a report here, but what I read is that it's easy and cheap for people to buy...as far as I know, the clerk doesn't ask for ID when you purchase mouthwash. If you want to read more, do a Google search on getting drunk off Listerine. You'll be surprised at what you find... For instance, I found the following question rather entertaining. It was posted on this message board two weeks ago---

• if i freeze listerine do you think the alcohol would get to the top and itd be safe to drink? im not gonna do it im just wondering if it works. and how sick would you get if you drink it?
  

Three years ago, while Aaron was interning for an attorney in St. George, UT, he attended a hearing of a man who was abusing mouthwash. He was a clean-cut young guy with an expecting wife. He kept using LDS jargon like "ecclesiastical leaders" etc.. and it was apparent that he was trying hard to quit. The judge was very lenient and told him that the only reason he wasn't putting him in jail was because he had a wife and soon-to-be child that needed him home. He was probably in trouble because of a DUI and had some serious penalties like a year probation and six months of breathing into a breathalyzer before he went to bed. I am really not trying to be disrespectful, because issues like this are not funny. But DUDE! He had to breath into a breathalyzer EVERY night to make sure he wasn't abusing his favorite brand of MOUTHWASH. I mean, how messed up does it get?

When I saw the woman with the Listerine, I almost said something to her like, "Give me my money back ugly lady." But then I was afraid that maybe she really did have a serious case of halitosis, so I decided to embrace the Christmas Spirit and let it slide. I walked out to my car hoping that she didn't have starving children at home who were going to be devastated with her purchase at the store. After I laughed it off with Aaron, I forgot about it... until this weekend. Oh yes, the story gets better, people.

This past Friday, our family was in a parking lot very close to the local Walmart. We were buckling the kids in the car when a minivan (much nicer than ours, btw) pulled up behind us and rolled down their windows. The woman in the driver's seat started talking to my husband while I was attending to the kids, but I could hear the conversation very clearly, "Hi. I am really sorry to bother you, but my welfare check was stolen this afternoon and I am in desperate need of a few dollars so I can feed my kids. I don't have any dinner for them and I was wondering if you could help me out."

Aaron said something polite to her like, "Let me see if my wife has any cash on her." He came over the car and I about flipped out. I marched over to her van, put my hands on my waist, tilted my head so she could see my oh-no-you-did-not! face and said, "There is NO way I am giving you money tonight. No chance." She looked puzzled... and then I said, "Do you remember me from a few weeks ago? You approached me on Christmas Eve at Walmart and I gave you $10 to buy dinner for your kids. Do you remember what you bought with that money?" She still didn't say a word... so I answered for her. "You bought two bottles of LISTERINE with the money I gave you." Then she started to speak up. She said over and over, "No, maam. That wasn't me. You have me confused with someone else." I responded, "No.. I remember you very clearly." And then she gave the punchline, "I don't even drink Listerine!"

Really? That's interesting because NO ONE DRINKS LISTERINE! I wasn't accusing her of DRINKING it, but apparently she felt like confessing.

On the drive home Aaron and I couldn't stop laughing. Seriously, what are the chances? Was she in need of a good scolding so God sent her in my direction? Or did I fail the charity test? Who knows. Aaron and I laughed because although I seem like a very nice person, if you cross me, I am not afraid to dish IT out. I bet she drove away thinking, "I need to stay away from that mean lady." I hope so anyway, because if I hear her sad story about her wallet getting stolen and her hungry kids, someone will have to hold me back! From now on, my rule of thumb is to stay away from beggars with extremely good breath.

ps. Next intervention is going to be a mouthwash addict. You just wait. Do they have interventions for people addicted to the show Intervention? I am a total addict. If I watch the first 20 seconds, I am hooked. I need to get rid of my cable so I don't watch anymore.. Oy.