cold, dark and uninspired

I've been reading nonstop lately.  I am pretty sure I am depressed because I've never been so hungry or desperate for information.  Yes, the cold weather has added to my need to curl up with a good book and the fact that everyone has been sick has given me an excuse to cancel all our plans, but I've taken reading to a whole new level.  I am not sleeping because I can't put down my books..  I'd rather stay home and read than do almost anything else and this is not typical of me.  In college I stopped socializing because I had mono and that's a little like what this feels.  I almost can't function anymore because I am in a funk.

I hate to label it as sickness or depression because I am actually quite happy and grateful.  I don't question my self-worth or potential.  But I am almost completely surrounded by darkness.  There is no sunlight in my world right now and there hasn't been for some time.  I've almost forgotten what it's like to receive inspiration or enlightenment.  I feel as though this is a holding period that I have to remain still and wait for the next stage in life.  And while I wait, I am reading whatever I can get my hands on.  Literally, I've gone a little crazy and read thousands of pages and hundreds of books.  My eyes are so tired, but I can't stop.  The more I read, the more I need to read and it's really becoming a problem.  I need to get on top of my laundry in a major way.

But before I do that, I wanted to mention someone who has helped me tremendously..  Leslie Householder is an LDS author that has written three wonderful books that came into my life at the right moment.  I read through all three of her books (Hidden Treasures, The Jackrabbit Factor and Portal to Genius) in less than 2 days.  I loved all of them for different reasons, but there is an allegory in Hidden Treasures that struck a major chord with me.  It's really the ONLY thing that has allowed me to make sense of what I am currently going through.  After reading this quick story, I realized that I am not actually depressed, I am just underground.  I am an acorn that fell from my tree over a year ago.  (I willingly jumped from my tree.)  I know the exact moment that I jumped and the hard landing shocked me.  It was such a long and hard fall that it took my breath away.  I was numb for quite some time and then when I tried to get back up, I was trampled on.  And then I was deeply buried underground.  Here I remain- cold, wet, alone.  I am still here waiting.

This is Leslie's allegory of the acorn.  Please know I am directly quoting from her book Hidden Treasures and I take no credit for this little story or idea.

"A little acorn wants to become all that its blueprint promises that it can be.  It is meant to become a grand and mighty oak, but for now, it is only a simple nut dangling by a stem.
It hangs on the parent tree and reaches high, wanting to see the grand views and sweep the vast sky with broad branches.  It wants to experience the fluttering of leaves and the saying of limbs, but alas, it can barely feel the breeze slowed by the shelter of its protecting parent. 

Finally the parent hears its cry and says, "Yes, little seed, I have great plans for you.  You will scrape the sky and sway in the wind, and the view will be glorious.  You'll provide a home for many creatures, giving shelter and food.  Your friends will be many, your influence will be vast, and you'll be great and happy." 

The little acorn's heart swells with excitement as it stretches its rigid shell upward to receive its promise reward, but instead of enjoying the exhilaration of greatness, it is shaken from the tree and takes a long, hard fall, landing with nothing more than a slight thud. 

In fact, there is no apparent compassion or understanding, since its terrible fall seems to go unnoticed.  Its very world seems to have crashed down, and yet time marches on for everything else around it. 

The tiny acorn soon finds itself trampled upon, with dirt kicked rudely upon it.  Eventually, it's completely buried, in the dark, and alone.

"Have you forgotten me?!"  He cries, but there is no answer, no explanation, no reprieve.  Instead of rescue, the rain begins to pour and at once the buried seed believes it just may drown as well. 

It tries to throw its weight one way and then the other to force its way out of the ground, or to find its way back to the tree.  But nothing changes.  It is as though it is trapped and cannot escape its doom.

Weary of the fight, its surrenders to its fate.  Holding still with a sigh, the elements around it take notice of its calmed demeanor and begin to respond to its mere presence there.  In fact, without any more futile struggle, it begins to notice there is a subtle change, taking place within itself. 

It discovers that as it remains calm, it actually ALREADY has all it needs, right there in its immediate environment.  It hasn't perished from being cut off from it's parent, as it feared it might.  Though the fall was frightening and terrible, there it remains, as alive and as well as before.

No, it has not perished.  Rather, it has sprouted new parts of itself from within that it didn't even know it could sprout, and the little seed begins to experience the joy that always accompanies growth and soul-expansion.  Though it hasn't achieved its ultimate goal, it feels good enough just to grow. 

After that temporary period of loneliness and fear, soon the seedling has broken through the crust of earth and can finally see the goal again -- though it has never appeared to be so far away as it is now.

However, in truth, it has never been closer.

So be patient, little seed; you were created for the greatness that is in store for you."

One thing I've realized since reading this is that I won't get out of my predicament quickly.  I hate being underground and even though I have everything I need, it's lonely and hard and really cold.  But there is no quick fix so my patience is growing and my methods of problem solving are changing.  I am taking everything at a much slower pace.  I am questioning everything because I am completely on my own (or so it seems.)  It's been unbelievably frustrating.. The most frustrating experience of my life, but I am still here.  I am alive and striving with all of my might.  It takes so much effort to do anything or make the smallest of decisions.  When I pray or scream or ask for help, it seems that no one can hear me, so I've turned inward.  I have never felt more alone or desperate.  But I am also the most calm and collected I've ever been.

I think my husband is underground as well, but I can't be sure.  We used to be happy together on the same tree.  We were scared to jump, but we knew that if we didn't jump, we'd be pushed out. It was such a strong urge to leave our home and our possessions that we may have jumped without questioning, without planning, without wondering what would happen to us once we landed.  And even though we jumped together, we landed in different places.  Aaron and I are not the same acorn, you see, we never have been.  We have sympathy for what the other person is going through, we are in our own dark places searching for light and inspiration.  Aaron has handled it so much better than I have because he is a naturally a calm person.  He doesn't worry about what people think or care to share any of the information that he's processing because it's always been an internal battle for him.  Through this experience I've realized how much I can learn from him.  He doesn't complain, he is continually grateful and he doesn't question or let stress or worry influence his decisions.  It's pretty incredible to watch, from a distance.

I've complained way too much over the past year.  I have been such a baby, really.  I think my biggest problems is that I want to be back to my old self, I don't want to go back in time, necessarily, but I want to feel like I used to feel-- carefree, optimistic and inspired.  I do feel gratitude, I swear I feel grateful everyday.  But it comes in waves.  Being in the dark for such a long time gets to me.  I question my beliefs, I wonder how long it will be before I see light, I constantly resist my cold, unfamiliar environment.  It's hard to embrace!  But I know the more I surrender and allow things to happen, the happier I will be.  I can't force a change.  I am wasting precious time and energy complaining, so I need to get back to work/reading... (and start some laundry because it doesn't clean itself.)

more on this later.  maybe.

my thoughtful faith

It's been a hard week for the LGBT+ community and for members of the LDS church.  My family has come down with a terrible sickness and the weather has turned cold, so we've spent the last week cooped up in the house.  Because we're hibernating, I've had a lot of time on my hands to get educated on the debate... I've read articles written from every point of view.  I've gotten involved in blog discussions (which I rarely do) and listened to every podcasts on the subject.  More than anything I feel I've taken the time to process what matters and figure out where I stand.  

To me, it's NOT a divide between the church and everyone else.  I stand on the side that chooses to remain positive, see the good in everybody and in every change.. (I am for the legalizing of gay marriage AND I stand behind the LDS church leaders and their position on apostasy.) It's a hard place to be in, but I truly believe we can be different and work together.  I know that communities built on love and respect is the only way to bring about change.  If you're kind, informed and want to listen to the other side than I stand with you.  If you think this new church policy is the end of the world and was put out there to exclude and divide, then I sympathize with you and believe those feelings are valid and real and I hold a space for that.  We don't have to agree to work together.  Our differences is what makes our communities and church so beautiful.

I've truly enjoyed the last couple of podcasts from A Thoughtful Faith.  A few days ago, the discussion with James Ord was enlightening.  He is an attorney based out of Utah (who is also an ex-mormon married to another man and a father to four children.)  In his podcast, he explained the LDS church policy on excluding newly defined "apostates" from their organization as a necessary legal liability.  From a LEGAL standpoint the new church policy was not only wise, but necessary.  They knew that it would hurt and exclude, but it was a decision that had to be made.  It was not a policy they took lightly or one they miscalculated.. side note: I'm married to a family attorney who is the most non-judgmental person I've ever met, so this podcast really outlined some of the progressive conversations we are having in our home, a lot of discussion about protection:  protecting the emotional welfare of children, protecting the family as an institution, and protecting the church as an organization.   (I think Aaron could have done a much better job explaining the legal allegations the church will face if they don't separate themselves from the LGBT+ community, without bringing personal feelings into the matter, but I digress.)  That podcast was good, but not good enough to share, so that's why I am not linking it.  

What I am linking and sharing is THE MOST AMAZING conversation I have heard on this topic and I think everyone needs to listen.  I have a serious love for Jacob Hess and what he stands for.  I literally agree with him on every.single.point.  This is where the solution is, my friends.  There IS a place in the middle for all of us.  We don't have to agree, but we should be kind, loving and respectful and allow a space for differences.  

He makes a point around the 14 minute mark that is completely brilliant-- It's not an exact quote, but it's close.  "I believe just as much in the ART OF DELIBERATION as I do in dialogue.. Where we agree to come together and find a way to live together and make decisions together and that's an art.  When it's done right, it's beautiful and when it's done wrong, it's really ugly."  (caps added, I love the way he sees discussion as an art.  In needs to be done the right way in order to inspire change.) 

Gina Colvin, who runs this podcast, does a fantastic job of trying to bring about a conversation of change, asking Jacob Hess if just sitting around and talking is doing enough, if anything.  And I absolutely love the dialogue back and forth.  We all want to see change.  We want to fight for what we feel is right and I truly believe that change will only come as we listen to each other and we respect one another's differences.  I do not believe this change comes about with anger and intolerance.  Yes, people are angry and hurt.  Let's allow space for that pain for as long we need to work through it.  There is also an important place for uncertainty.  And above all, we need to constantly check ourselves (everyone on all sides) to make sure we are being open and kind and loving.

The story Hess tells about his liberal, atheist friend who lost his cat made me laugh out loud, several times, I just loved it so much.  It might seem like that story he shares is off topic, but to me it's everything.  He sits down with someone who's views are completely different from his own, and he comes away caring about him, wanting to discuss more and connect on a deeper level and he finds himself mourning for his friend's dead cat.  This is exactly what we need to be doing with each other.. listening, caring, talking with respect and then come away changed and better.  Believe it or not, this is change.  He is the product of living on a higher level.  Not only does his example want me want to connect with him and read his books, but it inspires me to want to connect with every other person in my circle of influence.  I want to be more like him and have a lot of work to do.  

Okay, so where does this leave me on my thoughtful faith?  I stand with both the LGBT+ community and with Mormons.  How is it possible to stand with both? I believe that the LGBT+ community deserves all of the rights they need and want.  They should be allowed to marry, they should be allowed to adopt and raise children and they should be free to live how they chose, without judgment.  They are amazing, beautiful, contributing members of society. I will stand behind them, listen to them, and vote for them.  I would absolutely welcome them in my home and sit next to them at church, if they felt that coming was adding to their happiness. 

How can I still be a Mormon after this week?  I believe there is a place for me, and for anyone who wants to be there.  There is a dance that only I can do, and I will not sit on the sidelines and watch.  My place in this religion is an important one.  I believe in God and I believe that God wants me to stand in my convictions.  I stand with love and respect for those who don't agree with me (and some of those people are Mormons.)  These past few years while serving in positions in the church WHILE struggling with my own testimony has been a beautiful experience.  I was Relief Society president at a time when I didn't agree with a lot of the people that I went to church with.  Some people might not have felt that I did a good job in my position... but I promise you, I served with all of my heart. I was authentic and real and I did what God wanted me to do. I didn't read the handbook, I tried to follow policy when it applied to the situation, but I truly was guided by the Spirit and I served the women in my ward.  I listened to them, I cared about them.  I helped some of them out of abusive relationships.  I cheered them on.  I mourned with them.  I assisted in providing food and shelter.  I did a hell of a good job.  I may not have gotten along well with my own presidencies.  I had some conflicts with other leaders in my ward, but I was there for a good reason.  My voice mattered and it still does.

I currently serve as the first counselor in the young women's presidency and this place is important for me.  Why would I leave when I know I can help and love the girls in my ward?  I know I can make a difference with everyone in my ward, just by being there on Sunday.  Do I have to agree with everyone who comes to church?  Of course not.  How boring would that be?  I believe God wants me in this place.  I don't see any good in leaving.  Sometimes I worry my kids will be "brainwashed" and believe everything they hear or what they are taught in Primary (I don't agree with everything in the primary manuals, btw.) But I know that as their mother, my example and my testimony has the greatest influence on them.  I teach them everything I know, including the controversial things, like Joseph's Smith's first vision accounts.. all of them.  We talk about things that the prophets have said that we DON'T agree with and I believe it's helping them form their own testimonies.  Knowledge is power.  Shielding them from a different point of view doesn't do any good.  I believe I can still be a part of the church and hold a space for others who aren't following blindly.  I don't mind if others think I am following blindly.  I've taken a lot of time and struggle to get where I am and it's working for me.  This is my story and my voice matters.  As does yours, religious or not.

I am going to close by mentioning CJane.  Her recent podcast and the last few blog posts she's written have struck a cord with me.  I respect her greatly and believe her voice is so important.  I know it takes a lot of courage to put opinions and stories out there and I truly have love and admiration for her.  But I do not agree with the approach.  I think if she wants to combat this topic with anger and intolerance, than she will receive anger and intolerance in return.  Her story of being raised in a large family with a patriarchal family is her truth.  I was raised similarly in a large family with a father who made decisions for the family.  But my outtake on life is very different and my mother is the most respected by her children and her voice matters.  Do I see myself as privileged Mormon girl?  Yes, I do.  And I believe I am held accountable for the privileges I've received being raised in the home, neighborhood and church that I was raised in.  And I believe that along with these privileges, I have an obligation to help those who didn't have an upbringing like mine (or a husband who is kind and respectful.) My obligation is to listen and to serve and to never, ever judge.  This is where I see change happening.  Why are we so afraid of those are different- even opposite of us?  Can't we see that we belong to each other and that our differences is what makes it amazing to be alive, living now when these important social changes are happening? 

I come away from this week knowing and believing that FAMILY cohesiveness should come before anything else. I know that our role as PARENTS is the most important role we can ever play.  Our time with our children is vital.  I believe strongly in my responsibilities as a mother and I praise my husband and the important things he does as a father.  We could not be more different human beings, the two of us as parents.  But that makes our home colorful and exciting.  We disagree every day, but we always seek to find a middle ground and then we move forward.  When one of us won't budge, we respect the position and find power in each other's convictions.  There are things that he does well that I could never do.  And no matter how hard he tries, he could never fill my role as a mother to my children.  We listen to each other, love what the other has to offer and we stand firm in our personal convictions, which are not the same.  Our home becomes stronger and more powerful because we come together calmly and sensibly and recognize our differences.

This past Sunday was an interesting one because I had to sit on the stand behind the pulpit with the YW who were taking over the program.  I watched my husband and children from the stand and I smiled the entire time.  For several years, Aaron served in the bishopric and sat on the stand.  I was bitter a lot of the time he served because I was so exhausted caring for the kids week after week.  And this last Sunday as I sat on the stand, I thought of CJane's podcast where she said it pained her to go to church and only see men sitting up on the stand.  I thought about that as I sat up there, and as I looked at my husband wrestling the kids.  And I can totally see where she is coming from and believe she has every right to feel hurt that the women in our church don't serve in bishoprics.  My own personal conviction is that the home is most important and the church is somewhere down the line.  

It takes a LOT of time away from home to serve in higher callings and it's my opinion that our children would literally fall apart if women were serving in bishoprics.  Not saying men aren't wonderful in their own respects, but they can't do what we do at home.  You can disagree with me if you'd like.  But I have the most attentive, loving, kind, respectful, hands-on husband.  He is an amazing father, but my children need me physically next to them in a way that they don't need my husband.  As a woman I was blessed with some amazing gifts to care for my children and no matter how hard he tries, he can't comfort the kids the way I do.  This role reversal on the sacrament meeting stand was just one experience in a long list of little testimony builders make me want to follow the Prophet.  I want to do it.  I don't feel like I have to stay in the church,  but I want to be there-- for myself.  I will be the first to admit that being a Mormon is exhausting, time-consuming, hard.  I will admit that some members are judgmental and closed-minded.  But I will not judge the church as a whole and I will not leave it because if I did my family would suffer.  I am a strong woman who stands up for what I believe.  I bring perspective, color and optimism to the table.  I believe God wants me where I am (in the home and sitting in the pews with my children while my husband serves in another capacity) and this knowledge and conviction brings me peace.

I hope that your convictions bring you peace.  You may not believe in God, but that doesn't change the fact that you have something important to do and that your voice matters.  I think we all need to talk calmly and respectfully as we discuss our differences and we stand firm in what matters most to us.  Xoxo.  Looking forward to future conversations, friends.

love is the answer.

I could write a long post about the recent LDS/LGBT+ debate. I could tell you where I stand and how strong my testimony is or is not in the church. But that is so far from the point.

The point is there are lots of people hurting. People feeling excluded, people on both sides getting judged. And we need to wake up and realize that all negativity, all the arguing, all the ignoring is the wrong approach. The ONLY right approach is to love and accept and to find compassion in your heart for others, for everyone involved. The only way we can build a better community, church, society is by listening and accepting what the other person has to say and how they feel.

I don't think that God want us to bear our testimonies from the rooftops right now. The prophet and church do not need us to stick up for them. God has asked us to do one really important thing and it comes before everything else-- LOVE ONE ANOTHER. To acknowledge another person who isn't living the way you are is not accepting sin. We don't need to feel uncomfortable for loving someone exactly the way they are. God knows our hearts and He will be the judge. The church is doing what they need to do. They don't need us to argue for them. They need us to reach out and love every single person you know. Every.single.person. End of story.

We need start apologizing, sincerely saying "I'm sorry." We need to try pick up broken pieces and to put them back together the best way we can. We need to shut up and stop justifying why we aren't being kind. We need to smile, to comfort, to stay calm, to support, to CARE. We need to do more than what we are doing... to love harder and deeper and to never give up on each other, even if it seems like we'll never agree. It will seem awkward at first to reach out. But it's the only answer. There IS a place for us where we can all get along and have fun together. Let's put down our pride, (not that kind of pride.) Let's leave our anger and frustration and self-righteousness at the door. Let's blast some good music and get to work loving each other better.

the Conscious Creator

Reading is by far my favorite pasttime and over the years its evolved into writing in journals about what moves me. I love to write about what I read, but I don't usually share it.  And that's odd because I share everything, ya know?  I could get really deep about the reasons why I don't share, but I will just say that reading is so important to me that what I learn from the books I chose is kind of sacred and I will leave it at that.

I always have a book in my purse and usually other one on my nightstand.  Right now I am carrying around a biography of Albert Einstein and it's fabulous, but not a quick read.. I can handle it in quiet moments and believe it or not, quiet comes more frequently than you'd imagine.  I'm amazed at all of the spare moments that pop up in my life.  Sometimes my spare moments are created during Sunday School in the mothers lounge.  My current ward has no other babies and church is at 1pm.  Eden technically should be in the nursery, but it's her nap time.. so after sacrament meeting, she and I head into the mother's lounge.  I open the window and read while I rock her to sleep and it's the best kind of Sunday worship.  I will usually attend Relief Society, so it's not a sin. just don't tell my bishop.  or my husband ;)

So, about The Conscious Creator.. this is not a book report or a summary, but I am going to talk about what I learned.  And, like I said, I don't do this often, so this book must be special.  It came into my life at the right time, and it has my wheels turning late at night, even weeks after I put it down.  This book has homework (a journal you print online) that goes along with the chapters, pages and pages of questions to work out your thoughts.  Tonight around midnight, just about when my husband fell asleep, I snuck out of bed and grabbed my pages of homework on my nightstand.  I decided to read them downstairs and tweak the answers a little.  After an hour or so, I went back to bed.. but I couldn't fall asleep so now it's 2:30 am and I am at the computer, sharing a few thoughts about what I've learned.

The Conscious Creator is a book written by a young man named Kris Krohn.  Kris and I were born on the exact same day, so I consider him young at the age of 36.  He's a self-made millionaire and a successful author, public speaker, and father to four.  I don't know much else about him, but I do believe he's an inspired writer.  You may disagree with me, but that won't change my opinion.  This book was really powerful for me.

This particular book is not a fiction, but it's written in story-format.  It's about a young man who is unhappy in his career and in his life, although he is doing all of the things he thinks he's supposed to.  His girlfriend breaks up with him because he's not passionate about life and he ends up getting fired from his job and the entire book is about his quest to find his True Purpose.  It's totally cheesy.  And I don't usually care for scripted dialogue, but I didn't read it as a story, I read it as homework-- as a way to figure out what I need to do to feel more fulfilled in my life.

The thing is, I can't talk to very many people about not feeling fulfilled.  If I tell you I am disappointed with my life, people think that I have a bad marriage or a boring social life.  or naughty kids or a dull imagination.  None of those are true, yet I still find myself searching outside for something more.  It's not that I am not content, but I am definitely not satisfied.  The only way I can explain it is that I was born with this urge to do more than what is considered a normal effort.  I remember being a very young child knowing that I came here for a purpose and that I was unique and important.  Not more important than anyone else, I actually truly believed that everyone thought the same about themselves.  Somewhere during my elementary school years, I believe this was taught out of me.  Or I was occupied with other things or I was satisfied with the little work that was required of me so I became lazy, I am not sure why or when or where, I am not blaming it on the schools or my friends or my teachers, it was everything combined.  I was distracted and I spent years performing just above the minimum that was required of me all the way into high school (yes, this includes getting good grades, being president of my school and getting a full scholarship to college.  I am not saying this to brag, I am just saying that I was capable of so much more.)

In college, my desire to BECOME was awakened.  I had several teachers at both Ricks College and BYU in Provo that reminded me of who I was.  The school work was still minimal but the awakening was great.  I had two little boys during my last couple of years at college and I graduated without really studying.  But I learned a lot about myself.  On my graduation day, while sitting in the ceremony in my cap and gown, thinking about ALL the 16 years of my school-career, I decided that I wanted to homeschool my kids.  It was a fire that was lit inside of me and it grew until I could not ignore it.  By the time Ben was 3 and Luke was 2, they were both reading fluently.  No, they are not brilliant and I was never a strict or diligent teacher, but something magical happened in our home as we learned together.  None of my other kids have learned to read or write that early, since, but that's okay.  The magic is still there.  (in fact, Simon is almost 6 and barely knows his letters.  Its not because I teach any differently, but Simon is actually not interested right now... and that's totally okay by me because he is a brilliant child with so much to offer the world.  Reading and writing will come when he's ready and pushing him is not my style.)

When I was younger and especially when I was in college, I KNEW what I wanted to do with my life.  I was going to do great things.  Getting married and having children right away was not on my agenda.  However, when it became clear that it was important for me to marry Aaron and have children, I was slowly able to figure out how they belonged in a bigger plan.  Raising children and being a loving wife was always my main focus, but there was still something missing, always.  Its not that I don't love cooking dinner (because believe me, I do) but I knew there was something more for me.

The Conscious Creator came into my life at a pretty important time.  For the past couple of years, Aaron and I have been moving toward a bigger purpose.  We could feel it, but we didn't really have the timing right... and we were constantly acting on our faith, but things didn't really fall into place like we thought they would.  Our thoughts were very positive, until they weren't anymore.  The move back to Vegas didn't make sense and then to turn around and move back to Utah (only to continue to feel lost) just about did me in. I literally felt as though I was playing a game of warm/hot only every direction I turned I was getting colder and colder.  I found myself constantly in search for more meaning.  I needed a place to hang my thoughts of frustration and then this book walked into my life. (suggested by a couple in our new neighborhood who came over for dessert/FHE and then literally moved two days later without warning.  odd!)

Basically the book is just like the SECRET that got so popular so many years ago, but it's more than that.  Instead of one secret, there are 6 and you need all 6 to accomplish your goals.  I believe in all of these laws and I know that if I continue to walk the path of uncertainty, things WILL fall into place just as they were meant to.  It's probably going to take more time, and that's okay because my plans are big.

The funny thing is, this book has drawn me closer to my husband in many different ways.  You would think I would want to divorce him and go our separate ways (like the main characters do at the beginning of the book) because we are SO different in our approach to life.  However, nothing could be further from the truth, we are different, but the same in all the ways that matter.  This book pulled me close to him and the way he operates.  Aaron is wise, calculated and particular and even though he doesn't know what drives him (yet) he and I are SO similar when it comes to our values and what we want out of life.  We are both extremely passionate about giving our kids undivided love and attention and he's proven to be a better parent and spouse than I am.  I've come to see where his true talents, desires, passions are and they are right where they belong.  All we really want for our kids is to work hard, to be honest and trustworthy and for them to understand that they can accomplish WHATEVER they set their minds to do.  Now, all we have to figure out is how to show them, by example, that when you follow your dreams and let your passions be the driving force in your life, you will be successful. That has yet to happen, but I still believe it will.. right now, I think we have everything going for us except for law number 6, which is a gestation phase.  It takes time. (also, by success I do not mean money.)

I am now also reading The Secret which is old, but it seems like a new read because of The Conscious Creator.  This coupled with Einstein's biography, I am in deep thought about THOUGHTS.  Here are a few of Einstein's quotes that have jumped out at me recently...

bus remodel, day one.

The roof came OFF the bus today.  Last week, I was thinking about selling it and this week the roof is off.

It's all part of the plan, the first step in the remodel is to raise the roof.  We will add windows and a little height (so that my husband will be able to stand up straight inside.. the ceiling is currently 6 feet high, but not high enough for my 6'3"guy.)

After the roof is back on 20 inches higher, a deck will be built up on top.  It may not seem like the roof and the deck should be priorities, like the FIRST things to happen, but they are really important to me.  We are building a fun-bus and the deck on top is a must have.

It seems like I should be majorly super excited about finally starting the remodel, but I don't feel that way.  Actually, I feel opposite.  I am kind of freaking out and worried I will never be able to sleep again.  Buying the bus was a little risky, but in the back of my mind, I could always sell it.  When I saw the roof coming off, my heart was beating so fast.. and not in a good way.  This is self-induced, what-the-heck-am-getting-myself-into kind of stress.  I'm scared.

Let me paint the picture for you so you can feel my anxiety.  The bus is being remodeled at a construction site about 30 minutes from where we live.  This morning, the owners of the home we are renting were coming to do some repairs and install blinds.  I doubt they expect everything to be in perfect condition, but I wanted to make sure they knew we are trying to take care of their house, so basically I tried to leave it spotless.  Not easy to do with 6 kids who do schoolwork in the morning.  We were ready to get in the car just before lunch time.  I could have made them sandwiches before we left, but that would leave a crumb trail and I didn't have the patience for any crumbs.  So we stopped to get gas, and then ate lunch at subway and then drove down south for day one of the remodel.

We had a film crew at the construction site to get before photos and videos... that puts extra pressure on me to have the kids well groomed and to look presentable myself.  I know I shouldn't worry too much about it (because I DO want the documentation to be as real as possible) but yes, I totally stress about looking like total hillbillies.  I am NOT a fashionista and I won't ever pretend to be, but things like this will keep me up at night.  oh the drama.

So I am there, on site with six kids.  There are power tools and men on top of the bus and a camera man following us around.  The boys are excited to explore, Eden wants to get down and run, too.  Roma has to go potty but the bathrooms are not close.  The crew wants an interview about how/why we bought the bus.  They will be there all week and I ask them if we can do the interviewing part when Aaron can be there, maybe on Saturday... because I am like, really stressed on the first day.  No problem, he says.  Sweet.  My hair needs to be cut and colored anyway..  man, I hope I don't have a heart attack by Saturday.

While the roof is coming off and the boys are watching every bit of the sparks fly, Roma decides to pull her pants down and pee, right there in the rocks.  Man, I really do love the girl for doing everything on her own, but she ended up sitting ON the rocks and still getting pee all over her clothes.  So then I run to the car to grab some wipes and this is when I start to sweat.  I come back to Ro and help her wipe all the rocks and dirt off of her cute bum, and I was wishing the camera crew had it all on film, but secretly so glad they were busying filming elsewhere.

I had a change of clothes for Eden, but not Roma, so it was kind of time to go.  Forty-five minutes on site, and we were done.  I say goodbye to everyone and then buckle the kids back in the car and as I am driving away, I just keep thinking that I am the dumbest person in the world.  WHAT AM I DOING?  Does this mean it's not the right thing to do or am I just being a drama queen?  I cannot decide..  There ARE people who remodel buses, but it's usually a couple without kids.  Or if it's a family project, both the husband and wife are in it together... Why am I doing this again? Aaron and I are definitely united in our marriage, but not on the bus project.  So here I am all alone, not knowing how it's going to turn out.  I absolutely want to turn around, to say nevermind to everyone I've ever talked to and just go back to having a regular boring life.  But it's not possible now.  I am in this all the way and I am totally freaked out.  Is it going to turn out the way I envision?  I have no idea.  All I know is that I have to trust in the process of the unknown and the unknown is totally scary.  There is no peace or excitement about today's events.  There also aren't any pictures or videos, but they will come soon.  If I dare go back to the site with the kids again this week, I will make sure to snap a shot of our metal scraps that used to be a bus.

This is not our bus, but this is what we hope our deck will look like...

Homeward Bound

I wanted to write a little about my cousin Mike Johnston's funeral.  The last time I saw Mike was 10 months ago.  During Christmastime, when I was struggling trying to figure out why we moved to Utah and why we were living with my parents, I went to a High Priest's Christmas dinner for the Heritage 5th ward.  Mike, his wife and kids (who are not in the ward or stake) just so happened to be the musical entertainment that night and it was such a tender mercy to have them sing for us.  I truly felt like they were sent by Grandma Roma, to let me know that family was more important than anything else.  Their voices were so powerful and sounded so familiar to me.  My Dad's oldest sister, Sandra had 14 children.  She has such a love for music and passed her gifts on to her kids and I grew up listening to them sing in high school musicals, plays, missionary farewells, weddings. Their music is on the soundtrack of my childhood.

This week, I felt like being able to attend his funeral was another tender mercy of living nearby.  I probably would not have driven 6 hours up for the service, and it was so great to see all of my extended family.  It's been too long since I've seen most of them!  I felt like the entire day was filled with hugs and words of affection and appreciation.  I have so much love for each one of my cousins and aunts and uncles.

I need to touch on one particular song that was sung at his service.  All of talks were inspiring and every musical number was absolutely fantastic, but his children and nephews sang the song "Homeward Bound" and I absolutely lost it when they started singing.  It was the hardest I've ever cried at a funeral or in public.  Like the ugly, wipe your nose on your sleeve (and send your child to get more kleenex asap) kind of moment.  I wasn't expecting that kind of emotion out of me (even Aaron cried and he doesn't cry often) but not sure if was during this song or another because they were all so touching.

The MoTab has done a beautiful verson of "Homeward Bound".  I've listened to it at least a dozen times since, maybe more.  Right now it's on repeat as I type late at night.  Lyrics are below.

In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing
And the sky is clear and red,
When the summer's ceased its gleaming
When the corn is past its prime,
When adventure's lost its meaning -
I'll be homeward bound in time.

Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I'll return to you somehow

If you find it's me you're missing
If you're hoping I'll return,
To your thoughts I'll soon be listening,
And in the road I'll stop and turn
Then the wind will set me racing
As my journey nears its end
And the path I'll be retracing
When I'm homeward bound again

Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I'll return to you somehow

In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing
I'll be homeward bound again.

One reason this song was so amazing at Mike's funeral is because it was apparent that he lived his life to the fullest.  When Mike wanted to do something, he did it.  Four year old says he wants to become a pilot?  Done.  He made lists of things he wanted to do and it wasn't a question of whether it would happen.  He showed his wife how much he loved her and even though he was away from home as a pilot, he took his kids skydiving and on adventures across the country.  I loved the memories shared about driving crazy in the car and making the kids laugh over little nicknames.  I truly was inspired by his life and example and I want to live my life more fully because of him.  The song, to me, was a plea to God to help me achieve what I came here to do.  I am not done living!  Bind me not to the pasture.  Chain me not to the plow!  I have a calling and a purpose and I will do everything in my power to live life to the fullest.  There is such a fire within me to live wholeheartedly, and this song definitely brought it out.

Days after the funeral, I found myself still lingering on the lyrics of the song-- if it's not apparent by now, I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately.  I found this solo really powerful.  If I could sing myself, I would burst it out like he does..

Now, I don't want to be overly dramatic (too late) but currently as I type this, Ben is cuddled up next to me sleeping.  He's 14 and growing into such a wonderful young man, but he's still a boy to me.  He's been so cute and affectionate lately, still coming into cuddle for a minute after the little ones are asleep.  Tonight, he's sleeping on the couch basically on my lap as I try not to disturb him typing (you would think he would want to go downstairs and sleep in his bed!)  But I will take every minute of these little moments.  I've taken a few typing breaks to run my fingers through his hair and it's just so weird to think that I am his MOM because he's HUGE.  How did this happen, and so quickly?  Where did the time go?

No, I am not crying as I listen to the next version of the song (with headphones.)  But man, when those boys come into the picture, I cannot help but feel emotional.  My boys are going to be men soon, finding their own adventures and callings.

I kind of wonder if I am going through my own mid-life crisis right now.  I remember being so stirred a couple of years ago during President Uchtdorf's talk Of Regrets and Resolutions, knowing that I only have a few more years with my big kids.  Ben isn't leaving home just yet, but 3.5 years is nothing.  Roma is already 4 and I swear she was just born yesterday.  It flies by.  I just feel like I need to do everything in my power to make my days and months and years count.  I am not sure I believe in no regrets because life teaches us and I won't beat myself up about making mistakes, but I do believe in no time wasted.  No wasted time with these little people in my house because they won't be little for long.

Thank you, Mike, for reminding me to take advantage of life's BIG and small moments.  

missing everyone, always.

I came across this old blog post from 2012 and it reminded me of why we've sacrificed to move here. I am copying part of the post so it can be a part of our 2015 yearbook...

it's bedtime and I am feeling lonely. my kids are sleeping in the room across the hall and my husband is sleeping 400 miles away. actually, he's probably playing tennis or volleyball or basketball 400 miles away. whatever he's doing right now, I'm missing him.

I've been in Utah for 4 days.  we've had nonstop fun with my crazy family.  Thirty out of my parents' 35 grandchildren are here to runAmuck.  My boys haven't gone to sleep before midnight a single night and they are having THE time of their lives.  I love (LOVE) hanging with my siblings and nieces and nephews too, but I usually end up going to sleep feeling sad.  Sad that we don't live closer.  Sad that my husband is never here for family gatherings.  Sad that my kids are missing out on forming closer relationships with their cousins.  Grateful to have such a loving family, but sad that we don't see them more often.

I feel torn between two worlds-- the one my family lives in and the one Aaron and I have created together. When I get to thinking about the life we've built, I know that my home is wherever he lives.  We truly have become our own independent unit.  Together we're enough. Going another week without him is going to be hard.  

***

I find it interesting that now that my husband, kids and I are living by extended family, I still find myself torn between worlds.  I guess I will always have a part of my heart in Vegas, at least as long as Jane lives there.  Maybe that feeling will go away after she becomes my neighbor again (it will happen, I swear.  Jane and I are not meant to live apart.) But we have so many good friends living all over, and I want them close! I also feel extremely sad Aaron's family is so far away.  When we were living "in between" with my family in Utah and Aaron's in Arizona and Cali, Vegas seemed doable.  Even though we probably see Aaron's family the same number of times each year, when the kids are around Grandparents and cousins so frequently, it makes me miss the other side more.  I just need EVERYONE I love in the same place... or else I will never be truly happy.

When I graduated high school, I was so excited to go off to college, but couldn't help but be a little sad to leave my other friends and memories back home.  Is everyone like this during change?  I love a new adventure, but I also hate to feel the heart-wrenching pain of leaving anyone behind.  I don't think of myself overly dramatic, but I'm pretty sure my parents say I've always been so.  I mean, my mom will testify I came into this world torn. #bornthatway She tells I was born three weeks late because I didn't want to leave heaven.  I find that hard to believe, but she did stand on her porch and yell to Aaron and I while we were driving away in our car. "Aaron, just remember that Janet has a really hard time with change!  She was three weeks late because she couldn't leave her friends in heaven!"  I think we were newlyweds and I must have been struggling leaving my single life behind... she thought that advice would help my poor new husband.  It was funny at the time and it's an awesome memory now.

My dad's favorite story to tell is that I was born needing attention.  He will tell my kids that when I was a baby/toddler that I would wait at the top of the stairs for him to come home from work and that he needed to acknowledge me the minute he walked in the door.  If he, for any reason, would do something else before he gave me some love and attention, then I would lay on the ground and scream and cry until he picked me up.  Aaron loves to hear this story and says that some things never change.  I think it's funny (and not true).  Why do I have to feel so deeply?  Is it a blessing or a curse?

One of most poignant memories in my young adult life was driving home from my childhood best friend's wedding reception.  I lived in Provo at the time and Ben was a baby, just a few months old.  Aaron was able to attend Francine's wedding with me earlier that day, but the baby and I were at the reception all night without him.  I was a bridesmaid and had to nurse Ben in the corner of a janitors closet at the reception.. (and that has absolutely nothing to do with the story.)  All night I watched my beautiful best friend in her wedding gown and I just couldn't believe that time had passed so quickly.  It wasn't that I wanted her single.  I was married with a baby and was happy for the both of us.  But I knew that we would never get our childhood back and that had me feeling so torn.  The night was filled with chatting with influential people from my childhood and I was so grateful and so sad at the same time.  I drove home with Ben in the back seat, asleep, and I just cried and cried.  I remember thinking that no one will ever understand how deeply I feel about them.  Okay, I'm convinced I'm a total drama queen..  and if I haven't outgrown it by now, it's probably safe to say that I never will.

moving forward. pressing on.

Last week I was going to list the bus for sale.  I was pretty sure about it and started thinking about the kind of ad I would post online.  It wasn't that I felt defeated, but I had so many hopes and dreams when we bought it and nothing happened the way that I envisioned.  I saw us renovating it right away, painting the outside something crazy colorful, building a deck on top and taking off around the country.  I thought our home would sell quickly.  I thought we could use the money we had in our savings account to travel and that this would be the ONLY time in Aaron's career where he had a handful of clients to pay the bills but not enough to keep him in the office 5 days a week.  Our expenses were minimal and we didn't have any other plans.

But, you know.. things didn't turn out that way.  Our house was on the market for almost a year (two weeks shy.)  By the time it sold, we'd dropped it low enough not to make much of a profit.  After living off of our savings for over 18 months, (I know, a miracle in and of itself) we are basically broke.  With my husband back at the office full time, a rent payment that is more than our old mortgage and a pretty strict homeschooling regimen, I was kind of defeated in my goals to travel.  So I decided to sell.  I took out the interest free loan for the bus 6 months ago.  I had 6 months to go before I needed to pay it off and who knows, maybe it will take 6 months to sell?  Maybe I would have to give it away to someone and then get a part time graveyard shift at Walmart to pay it off.  I could (and would) do this, believe me.  So I decided to resign.  I was sad, but not defeated.  Discouraged, but not depressed.  I would figure out another dream.  My family life was most important.  Always, my marriage and kids come first.

I thought about that last sentence for two whole days.  My marriage and kids come first.  My marriage and kids come first.  I am causing my husband stress.  I am creating a life of chaos for my kids.  And it was just a bunch of other negative comments to follow.  I wasn't ready.  I am too fat to be truly successful.  I dont think things through.  I am not responsible.  My marriage and kids come first.

After two days, I realized I was wrong.  100% totally wrong.  My marriage and kids BENEFIT from me being true to myself.  I am a better wife and better mother when I follow my dreams.  I am happier when I go for what I want.  I inspire them to go for what they want when I put myself out there.  Yes, I am totally completely vulnerable and I may crash and burn, but I will die trying.  I will not give up.  At least not yet.  I have 6 full months before I have to pay off the bus.  That is all the time in the world.

The day I pulled myself out of negative thoughts, I decided to email my supporters.  I have builders, TV executives, and others who like my idea.  They want me to succeed.  And truth be told, I turned down two TV opportunities because they didn't feel right.  I wasn't sure if it was the timing or what, but I reached out to them, told them that I wasn't ready to give up on my idea all together and this opened a couple of other doors.  Not sure if they are the RIGHT doors, but why not explore until they all close in my face.  I had more energy around the house.  Dinner and taking care of kids became easier.  I was reading more and writing more.  I am happier.

Tomorrow we are presenting our idea of creating an alternative approach to Education to a bunch of successful people at the University of Utah.  It's scary to think about going on stage with a bunch of kids and we are crossing our fingers that Aaron can make it (or then I will really have my hands full) but I have a team of professionals supporting me and giving me the opportunity to share our ideas and that is huge.  It was only days ago that I thought it was over.  Tomorrow is also a big day because the producers at HGTV are going to pitch our show idea AGAIN to executives.  Yes, this is the same show I turned down, but I did go back with a new approach.  I will do it as long as A) we can stay completely true to our story (they wanted us to purchase the bus partially renovated and even though it didn't change our story, it was not the truth) and B) we can have 100% of the film rights to what is videoed during the remodel.  I thought this requirement was not possible because there are serious contracts that give the show all the video.  But they came back with an okay on both accounts.  It's still going to be a little bit of a stretch, but it's something.  I mean, it's nationwide coverage AND a completed bus at the end so what do I have to lose really?  Actually, I have a lot to lose, but I know that no matter what, I will NOT lose my marriage or my kids over this.  And because of that truth I hold, I will move forward..  It's still as scary as the day I bought the bus.  I have no answers, I see no light at the end of the tunnel, but I am not turning around.  Not yet, anyway.

fhe, scripture study and hymnals

hymnal is a weird word.  hymn is a weird word.  where did it originate from?  The Greek word ὕμνος (hymnos) which means "a song of praise".  Give me a word, any word, and I will show you that the root of that word comes from Greece.  There are only two kinds of people, Greek and everyone else who wish they was Greek.  We all different, but in the end, we all fruit.  Yes, inside the lump was my twin.  That's the best I can do.  If you do not know what I am quoting, you need to get out more.  Or stay inside and watch a movie.  A big fat Greek one.

It's still Thursday, or I guess Friday now and I was laying there in bed next to Aaron all cuddled and warm with the breezy windows open and I left that comfortable spot so that I could sit in front of a laptop downstairs with the cold tile on my feet.  I have so much bottled up inside of me.  I know I need to write more.  In fact, you're going to think this is totally completely crazy, but my fingers actually start to HURT when I need to write but I don't.  They literally ache.  If I read a good book and want to discuss but have no one to call, my fingers will start hurting.  I have words bottling up underneath my fingertips that need to come out and most of the time, I will write, but sometimes I try to go to sleep instead and I will lay there, sensing that my fingers want to type, but won't listen to them because I know I have kids who will need me in the morning.

It's so unreal that I would have more to say than I already do, but I do!  I could talk to friends all day long.. in person, on the phone, via email and still not be sick of it.  I don't, but I could.  And when I am not busy talking, I am reading but then I HAVE to talk to someone about it.  Usually Jane is my go to girl.  She loves to read as much as I do and the same kind of books.  Not teenage trash.  No romance novels.  Books that change you.  The only problem is that after I talk to Jane and tell her about a book or idea that I love, she will recommend another that she has just read.  And then I have to check it out at the library and read it RIGHT away.. and sometimes if I am desperate, I will log onto Jane's kindle account and read it then and there.  Yes, I know the password to Jane's kindle account and opening it is like Christmas.  Jane spends money on good books.  I never do.  I am such a cheapskate reader.  I will wait for it at the library unless it's calling me.  Yes, books talk to me even before I've ever read them.

So back to hymnals.  The hymn book was calling to me and begging me to sing from it's pages.  Literally begging.  Let me back up and give you a little background on our family and the way we spend time together at night.

Probably about 2 years ago, we started taking scripture reading together as a family pretty seriously.  And by that I mean we started reading every night, without fail.  We've always tried to read consistently, but until about 2 years ago it was hit and miss.  2014 was a year of serious scripture study.  My Christmas card letter was kind of a joke, but it was actually a very accurate account of our year.  I was struggling with what to write about our year and nothing was there, my fingertips would not write it.  But then when the idea came to put it in scripture form, it was obvious to me that it was the whole theme of our year.  We read everyday of 2014 and we did not mess around.  We studied the Book of Mormon together and finished before the year was up.  There was a time early in 2014 when I got the impression that we needed to kick it up a notch in our scripture study and I was like, "How?  We read everyday." and the answer was, "it's not enough."  And then I knew that we needed to spend some quality time together reading and talking about what it meant and looking up other scriptures and just discussing.  It took about an hour or sometimes longer and it was pretty awesome.

2015 has been different.  I'm not sure why.  There has been plenty of reading, but not as much discussion.  Almost a numbness to our study.  We read through the entire BofM quickly (actually twice, once as a family and everyone did individually.)  But there was less power coming from the pages.  So then we went into the New Testament (and we are already doing Old Testament with Ben in Seminary and during Scripture Story Snack, an afternoon thing.)  So I mean, we are literally shoving the scriptures down our kids throats.  It's sick to think about reading as much as we are and getting NOTHING out of them.  Don't get me wrong, there is family time spent together and sometimes someone says something meaningful, but for the most part, it was becoming terrible.  I can't tell you what Aaron's experience has been, but I was feeling nothing from these pages.  Story of Jesus?  No biggie.  Prophets performing miracles.. cool, but not that cool.  People traveling in the wilderness for YEARS without direction?  Now, that totally pisses me off.  Why would God tell someone to leave a land and then just let them wander?  For years and years and years.  I don't want to believe in that God.  And if He is going to keep me in the dark for 40 years, I would rather shoot myself.  I honestly could not handle another scripture session that was going to tell me to have more faith in a God that wasn't answering some of the simplest prayers.  And yes, I realize that I have now entered into the Pride part of the pride cycle, but God forced me there.  I am doing everything I can to feel peace in my life and it's just not there.  I swear to you, it's not there.

But then we unpacked our old hymn books and they were speaking to me.  I thought it was so odd how there was an energy about them, begging me to pick them up and flip through the pages.  One of the hymn books we got for our wedding and it has our names inscribed on the cover.  I wish I knew who gifted that to us.  Whoever you are, this gift is still in great condition and it's one of the very few things we've kept over the dozens of moves we've made.  Your hymn book will come into the bus with us and that's saying something because not much else will.

This summer I read one of Emma Smith's biographies (Mormon Engima , I would tell you all about it, but I just can't because that would mean I would never go to sleep.)  It was a powerful read, but don't read it unless it's calling to you.  I love Emma so much.  I feel like she was actually telling me to pick up the Hymn book and sing from it, but that might just be my imagination.

Anyway, if this isn't enough, last week during FHE as a prep for General Conference, I made up a historical game for the kids with facts about the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.  I came across this article that said Neil L. Anderson and his family sang a hymn each night together and the kids would do it alone, even when the parents were gone.  This struck me.  I mean, it jumped out at me.  And that was all I needed to get those hymn books off the bookshelf and start using them, every night.

It's been about ten days and we haven't read scriptures together a single day since.  In lieu of reading, we are singing.  The plan was to pick one song and stick with it until we have it memorized or until we could at least sing the first verse without looking at the book, but it's become so much more than that.  We can never stop with just one song.  And we have to do all of the verses, because the good stuff is usually at the end.  We sound pretty terrible, but we sing loud.  And, again, I cannot speak for Aaron, but I can pretty much testify he's not as into it as I am, but the kids are.  There is so much happy energy in the room when we sing together.  We have no music, but every once in a while we will pull up the accompaniment online (especially if we can't figure out the tune.) but for the most part we sing our little hearts out without worrying if we are on key.  We have three books and we share, but Simon, Ro and Eden cannot read so they don't follow along.  But they try to sing and then this beautiful thing started happening.  While we sit around and sing the little ones are dancing in the middle and having a complete blast.  This is so much better than scriptures because you are trying to get everyone to listen and toddlers do not listen.  But toddlers can dance and twirl and laugh.  And it's darling to watch.  It makes me feel like we're a real life pioneer family.  The happy kind.  Not that kind that freeze and starve to death.

So, tonight Aaron got home from the temple pretty late and Roma would NOT go to sleep.  And then she woke up the baby because she was being such a stinker (but Eden is never a naughty or grumpy baby, so it's okay if you wake her up.  She will go back to sleep when you want her to = perfection.)  But it was late and everyone was awake and we still hadn't had family prayer around 10:30, so we pulled out our hymn books thinking we would sing a quick song and head to bed.  But the dancing started up and the laughing and soon we were into our 10th song and everyone was hyper.  We were so hyper, in fact that I looked at Aaron and shrugged my shoulders and he said we all needed to go for a run around the block!  But it was 11pm now and other families were sleeping, so we decided to run across the street in the church parking lot.  It was cold and some of the kids weren't wearing shoes (just like pioneer children) .  We ran and laughed and then came home and said prayer and shooed everyone off to bed.  And then I laid in bed wondering if I should write about it.  So here I am.

My fingers feel better and my feet are now extremely cold.  I can't wait to crawl back into bed and stick these feet on Aaron's warm body.  He loves when I do that.  (Just like the pioneer men loved it on a cold winter night, I am sure.  Only they had a few more wives to worry about keeping warm.)  Aaron's lucky he only has one of me.

life with 6 kids

Hi!

 It's been a while. there is some serious blog transformation happening around here and even though I have intention of posting new material, I am doing a lot of editing and sorting of the old stuff. It's been fun and encouraging. What's going on with the blog and bus? Nothing and lots. A tv show is in the works. So are plans for an eventual documentary, but nothing has started yet and when it does it will be hush until it's not. What I CAN get excited about is a book. I am writing it and it's been fun.  If none of this happens and we end up selling the bus without any renovations or traveling, it will be sad and disappointing, but definitely worth it.  The bus has brought a lot of creative thinking into our lives!

 There are a lot of stressful things going on right now, but nothing I can put into words. Basically we are still lost in a dark world and we've been there for a while. I don't know if God wants us here or if we're doing something wrong or if we are exactly where we need to be, but it's been annoying. I mean, there are always ups and downs in life and this is nothing new, but never in my experience (or in my marriage) have we felt lost for such a long period of time.  We are going on about 2 years now, but one year of intense lost-ness and it seems that no matter where we turn or what we do, the feeling is the same.  Nothing feels right, nothing fits, we feel this urgency to do something else but can't figure out what that else is.  It's bizarre.  If you've felt like this before or you're feeling this way now, I am sorry because it's one of the worst experiences I've ever been through.  It's not fear and it's not depression.  It's a sense that you don't belong where you are.  It's tough to go through with a big family.  I would never want to do it with anyone else but my husband.  He is a rock and I adore him.  He's at the temple tonight because staying home can be hard when you are looking for answers.

One thing I will NOT complain about is my kids.  I can promise you I am not discouraged or depressed or doing anything wrong because if you see my kids, you would know how happy I am at home.  Oh my gosh, I love being a mom and I LOVE being around these amazing people all day.  It's going to sound like I am bragging and that's because I really do not take any credit for it, so I am really just thanking my lucky stars that these kids came into my life.  We are in SUCH a good stage with these little people.  Tonight was a shining example of why they are so amazing..

The BEST big brother on the planet.  We all know it.  

Aaron worked a long day and came home only for a few minutes to grab his bag for the temple.  I worked with the kids in schooling, had a business conference call in the afternoon, took a bubble bath with my girls and was just about to go down for dinner when my friend/therapist texted me and I got caught up on my phone.  I knew my kids were getting hungry so I felt bad to keep them waiting.  When I went downstairs, not only had the kitchen floor been swept and mopped by Zack and Simon, but dinner was being made.  Biscuits were in the oven, Luke was making eggs and orange juice, Ben and Roma were on the bacon and potatoes and the table was set, tablecloth included.  Why were these kids doing this?  Because they were getting hungry.  Not one single child came upstairs to bother me, they just got to work.  When I came down with wet hair, Ben said , "If you want to go out with Dad tonight, you can.  We don't have anything going on here after dinner." As if I was the teenager and he was my parent.  He is so amazing and he inspires the other kids to be polite, helpful, happy and resourceful.  I was floored, but then not really because these kids are just that amazing that this is our life.

Ben was trying to get Eden to look.  He's basically the adult and I sit back and take pictures.  And sometimes I drive them around town.  I am the historian and the chauffeur.  

in her apron.  She didn't get any blisters from cooking bacon tonight which is a significant improvement since last time she tried.  This girl gets back in the saddle.

I took some pictures, ate a few bites and then after dinner I picked up a book because Luke wanted to do dishes and Zack asked if he could give me a foot rub.  I know, you think I am making this up.  And you think they were up to something or they were confused about whether or not this was mother's day, but they are this good.  Moving around this past year has proven to me how good they are but now that we are in our own house, it's been even better.  We are all just so happy to have our own space!  But we also don't think we will stay here for long... Let's not talk about that, though.

just a few minutes ago.  He told me I deserved this because I bought a bus.  I will take it! because buying that bus wasn't easy.  

Let me tell you about the trip to the dentist the other day.  We had a regular 6-month checkup.  I knew nothing about this dentist or staff.  When we pulled up, I parked and looked in the back seat at all of my cute kids faces and said, "I know you guys will all be well behaved, but let's have a little contest.  I am going to be watching to see who is the most friendly with the staff.  Whoever wins gets a reward, I am not sure what it is yet."  That 2 hours in the dentist office might have been the best 2 hours of my life.  I am not joking.  My kids were hilarious... being overly friendly to everyone, asking them their favorite colors, movies, if they had any children.  Telling them all about the haunted house we went to last week.  It was seriously an inside joke we all had with each other and I could not keep from smiling.  I also made them each fill out their OWN paperwork.. Simon and Roma too.  (Their papers were a total mess, but I signed and dated the bottom and told them they could get the correct information off the other sheets.) I am so wishing I had taken a picture of what I handed in, it was awesome.  Eden was a sweetheart and had to see the dentist too because she has a frenulum, meaning the tissue on her top lip is connected to the bottom of her upper gum, in between her front teeth.  I didn't notice this until a couple of months ago (how did I not see this?) but she will need it clipped soon.  The conversation I had with the dentist at the end of our visit was awesome.  He was so impressed with our kids and how much they wanted to talk to him while their mouths were open.  I just smiled and said thank you.  On the way out to the car I told them there was NO possible way I could pick a winner and they were all getting ice cream- pronto.  They thought the friendly competition was a fun game and now I want to play it every time we go anywhere.

getting ice cream after the dentist.  Zero cavities which is such a blessing because we're poor. 

I don't know why my children are so well-behaved or such good friends with each other, but I am going to guess other than being lucky we do two things well.  1) we don't own anything.  Our belongings are at a bare minimum and we are grateful for the little things.  2) we spend a lot of time together.  I think spending time together/homeschooling/simplifying is huge for us.  It's been a magical combination.  I want to get rid of more stuff just from writing this.  And our house is empty.

I spy Luke's eye.  cute, smart, creative Luke made this periscope out of two empty eggnog cartons and two of my make-up mirrors.  He's my favorite brown-eyed boy.

I wasn't sure if I was going to homeschool again this year, even though I've always loved it, I wasn't sure what to do (I am not sure about anything lately) but it's proven again to be the best decision for our family.  This new routine and our new set of classes have been awesome so far.  Tomorrow we will set out for our traditional "forest school" and then meet some friends at a park to play.  And then go to another friends home for Friday night hanging out.  My kids do have great friends here and for that I am thankful.  I have the most amazing group of people surrounding me too and I am trying to get in as much socialization just in case we move somewhere else.  I am not sure if we will, but I need to do all I can just in case.  And I will never regret having friends over for dinner.  We've been in our house for about a month and we've had at least a dozen families over for dinner or dessert.  Maybe more.  I love our house and our ward and the weather.  I am happy and completely lost at the same time.  How bizarre is this?

older picture but the same darling face I see everyday.  I am head over heels over this child. 

Eden.  My sweet baby girl.  She is hands down the best child I have ever seen.  Truly an angel.  She is still nursing.. I've never nursed a baby this long, but there is absolutely no reason to stop.  She is not demanding, loves to cuddle, eats plenty of food during meal times, but she still wants to nurse and I don't see why I should stop.  The other night we had friends over talking about how someone nursed their child until they were 4 years old and later Aaron commented that that might be me.  It made me laugh (hard) and then I explained, "At the end of my life all I want to be able to say is that I've done everything.  I want to do and try everything.  Why not try to relate to every person you meet?  "You nursed your child until they were 4?  Me too!  You had a home birth?  Me too!  You bought a bus and lived in it with 6 kids?  Me too!"  Is there a way to go to prison for just one night without breaking the law?  If so, I would like to try it.  And my kids too.  I think it would be a great learning experience.  This is one reason I don't like commandments or laws.  I just want to try it, just to know how it feels.  Just for fun.

hmm.  I am completely off track and not sure where to go from there..  So some pictures will have to do.

the boy cuzzies on Roma's birthday.  That would be Zack in the all green get-up.  Why did he wear it all day, even to the grocery store and all about the city?  The question really should be WHY NOT?  He's 9 and so happy.  You can literally see him smiling through the morphsuit.  And you know what?  I LOVE seeing other people's reaction to him wearing it.  It's always a smile.  He brightens people's lives by being himself.  

the girly cousins.  Roma is SO lucky to have these sister/cousins in her life.  

Our family at Trafalga on Ro's special day.  She insisted on being in the back with her hands up and she looks adorable, but not really part of our family.  No one will argue that she's the heart of it.

After the family picture, I must add that my husband is the most handsome in all the land.  I am literally crazy about him.  We are so different. So, so different.  and often times I feel so bad that he's married to such a spaz like me, but oh how I love him.  Last week he was particularly busy.  On Roma's birthday (thursday) he took time off in the evening to come with us to the haunted house and celebrate afterward.  On Friday morning he woke the boys up at 4:30 am.  Yes, you read that right.  To do what?  Go bowling... a local bowling alley had free bowling and arcade games from 5-8 am and Aaron wanted to go.  He didn't take any pictures (typical) but they had a great time.  He was home by 7:00 am, dropped the kids off, showered and shaved and then was at his office before 8:00 am to meet with a client.  He worked ALL day without a break.  He's busy.  At 8pm he came home and told me to get shoes on because he was taking me out on a date.  I had already eaten dinner, so I just sat at the restaurant and watched him eat and we chatted about life, but nothing too stressful because that's not allowed on dates.  We talked and I was just overwhelmed with love for this man who puts his family before everything else.  He amazes me.  And he's a great example to our kids about what is important. He lives it everyday and doesn't lecture about anything.  I really believe a good dad makes all of the difference in the family.  Because good moms are everywhere.  Good dads are hard to find (sorry, but in my opinion men could really step it up when it comes to raising children.)

And I don't want to end on that note because it sounds mean.  but it's true.  I want to end this letter by saying that life is SO STRANGE.  I really am trying to learn all that I can through this bizarre experience, but sometimes it's hard.  I go back and forth between trying to make good things happen to just relaxing and going with the flow.  I don't know which one is best but for me, there seems to be no in between.  How do you let life happen to you without taking it by the horns?  And how do you do anything important by going with the flow?  I am not sure.  That is the main struggle I am having right now.  But reading helps.  I love to read.  I also love to write about what I read but I love to read more so it's taking up all my free time.  I try to read a couple of books a week and I know its whats kept me somewhat sane.  Oh, if only I could touch a book and automatically understand exactly what the author intended me to know when they wrote it.  If I could chose a super hero power, that's what it would be.  Not just to read a book with lightening speed, but to connect with the author on a deep, meaningful level.  This is one reason why I don't care for fiction.  I would rather read a biography about the author's life than read a story they made up.  But even more than their life events, I want to know what they are thinking! I get so much fulfillment from non-fiction books.  They are filled with thoughts and ideas and beliefs and I love to know what other people are processing, especially if it's a well thought out idea. I don't have to agree with them, because sometimes not agreeing helps me see how firmly I stand on an issue.  But a book is such an advance thought, it had to have been really important to someone to take the time to write it and publish it. To me, reading is meeting someone and getting right down to business in the first conversation.  Getting to the heart of what people are thinking.  Someday I am going to write a book about everything I think is important.  Until then, you get this random blog post.

Goodnight.  I love you and hope you're doing well. 

Last note-- I didn't say much about SyGuy or upload a good picture of him.  He's adorably 5 and so much fun.  When I ask him to do his daily jobs or show me his homework he happily says, "Sure Cutie Pie!" and it makes my week, every day.  I know all of my kids are my favorite, but he's one of them.  He is a handful but with just the right kind of sweet and sass.  Oh and such a handsome face, he kills me.  He and Roma are keeping us on our toes and it's such a blast.  The end.